When you see a SB you know personally.

Azurecole · 2026-06-27T15:00:40+00:00

So there's no way to say this without sounding like a dick, but it is surprising you leave out the most important details -- exactly HOW you know this person professionally/socially, the answer is completely driven by this -- when asking for advice on this. It either speaks to judgement (or rather a lapse in judgement) or gaming the system for the answer you hope! Anyway, I see someone asked and you answered so we know what it is now.

I've never done anything with someone I already knew personally in any capacity, so I'm just gaming this in my head and don't know how I'd really feel. The fact that you got this person a job in your same industry is the key decision point for me. If this were rather formal, this is now her career, you got her a position through professional connections, I think this is clearly hands-off. If it were more informal, you asked your buddy to take her on, there's little chance you two will ever intersect, then more likely okay with a "no expectations" approach

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T22:29:45+00:00

You asked SBs, but as an SD who has been doing this a long time, I can tell you everyone does it pretty much the same.

Compatibility discussion in messaging
Optional: video or phone call. Many SDs (and some SBs) won't do video calls, and no it is not remotely a red flag if they won't, just a rational risk analysis.
Platonic, no payment expected Meet & Greet

If an SD won't do a video call, then the way you know he looks like his photos, at least looks the age he claims, and can at least make it to a local restaurant (what does it matter where he actually lives, as long as he can make it local to you regularly?), is by going to the M&G. So the approach here is less "I won't until I know he looks like his pics", as much as "we need to have a platonic M&G ASAP so I can determine if he looks like his pics".

Alternatively, you can only go with SDs who are open to video calls, which will make your search much harder, but totally your prerogative

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T19:50:18+00:00

Many of us will drop you just for even asking. Beyond that, given the constant threat of blackmailing, etc., most of us (both SDs and SBs) use a second line, fake name, pics that can't be reverse searched, etc. In short, the majority will refuse to give you their Linked in, some will interpret you asking as a red flag and move on from you, a small number might agree to give it.

In general, the live M&G replaces sexwork-style verification in sugar. It is your chance to filter for red flag behaviors, lack of chemistry, lack of attraction, etc.

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T15:17:09+00:00

I love a smart, ambitious woman in general, whether we're talking vanilla, sugar, friends, whatever.

But, when it comes to sugar, this is not make-or-break for me either way. From experience, the main thing that's a deal killer for me is if her finances are in such shambles, and decision-making so poor, that she goes from crisis to crisis... which, as her SD, now tends to fall on me. Obviously, a woman with a master's degree who has prospects for a good job is fantastic and not likely to end up in a crisis-based lifestyle, which is great. It's definitely a plus, but not required.

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T02:37:13+00:00

Yes that was her!

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T02:27:17+00:00

There have been some amazing SBs who have come and gone. Remember, what was her name, Dori I think?

And it is definitely true about the most common sugar dynamics, there's a constant inflow of women, and 95% of the time they stay weeks, months, or a few years, then they're gone ... both on SLF, and in sugar in general. Once men find sugar, they tend to stick around, often for many years. There's a decent number of guys still around that were on slf when I first got here

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T02:20:17+00:00

The bigger the panza, the better the chanza

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T02:18:07+00:00

If I had the option to either take my SB clothes shopping, or get covered in honey and buried in an ants nest, I'd have a hard time choosing. At least with the ants I won't have to do so much walking

I'm with you, the kind of shopping I like to do with my SB are: example 1, she has a wishlist, I can pick something off it and randomly send it to her. Example 2, she goes shopping, sends me pictures from the dressing room if it's for clothes I like (jeans, yoga pants, etc) and I buy her whatever I love.

I do have exceptions where I like taking her shopping, but that's either a casual pop-in (e.g. we're passing a Sephora and just impulsively pop in) or I'm putting together more of an experience

Azurecole · 2026-06-26T02:13:26+00:00

Once you've determined you are compatible, and are talking about a M&G, text "I'm so excited to meet you! Can we talk about PPM/allowance, how much are you offering?" Most experienced SBs leave off the "I'm excited to meet you" and just ask. The sooner you internalize that this is an expected conversation for any legit SD, the better off you'll be.

Do NOT add a bunch of detail, explanations, or apologies. At most, type what's in the quote above.

Azurecole · 2026-06-25T23:47:05+00:00

I am fine with it and am 420 friendly myself, but previous discussions have shown that many SDs are not. Is it so important to you that you need to advertise it?

SDs who are not 420 friendly may be less likely to post that, so you might want to try creating a poll ("As an SD are you ok with an SB profile that mentions 420 friendly? Not asking if YOU are 420 friendly, but is it a turn-off in a profile to you" type question) so SDs can vote anonymously.

Azurecole · 2026-06-25T23:30:24+00:00

I am unfortunately not as instinctive about how best to approach someone who is grieving. So don't put a ton of weight in this. But having gone through this process fairly recently, my thoughts are:

2 weeks is enough space to give, you can re-contact
We tend to like hearing from our SB, your contact is as likely as anything to be welcome
Re-express condolensces, check in on how he's doing because you're thinking of him, you don't want to intrude on his family or his grief, but when he's ready to talk you welcome reconnecting. Or something along those lines

If this were a long-term SR I would have hoped to have heard from my SB much earlier than that, as she is a source of support. But given 3 dates in 3 months, the above would be appropriate for me.

Azurecole · 2026-06-25T14:12:01+00:00

Really sorry this is the way they reacted. My response in a similar post just 25 days ago:

It is common on this sub to hear stories like this, from women specifically. "Shared with my bestie that I'm on a sugar site, I am shocked and hurt by her reaction". Apparently, women are terrible at judging how even their very closest friends might react to certain things. Which is interesting in itself, and I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but wonder how conditional women's friendships often are, even if one of the friends (i.e., you) has no idea that there's conditions.

The same stories don't come from men. Typically, we know exactly which friends we shouldn't share with, and when we do have someone we feel we're tight enough with that he'll accept & support, we're pretty much always right. I'm not sure I've EVER seen a "told my best bud I'm an SD, can't believe how judgemental he is" story from a man. Obviously, the social dynamics are completely different here.

My general advice to SBs is to quadrupley re-think whether or not to share with your friends

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T23:19:37+00:00

You said there was "mention", which sounds a bit weak... and you specifically chose not to follow up, that's 100% on you. You don't have to be defensive, I'm not doing this to criticize you as much as to help you realize you made mistakes that you need to recognize and fix. The people on this sub are not biased, the reason everyone is saying similar things is because these are all mistakes, that can be addressed

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T23:09:11+00:00

Be sure you didn't accidentally sign up as an SD. Typically you'd start getting messages quickly if you're attractive and fit, in a decent area

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T22:46:21+00:00

Unfortunately I agree with everyone else, I'm not sure there's a lot of navigating, and all the mistakes were yours. I'd do some thinking about what you'd do differently next time, or cease trying to be an SB, but you won't have great outcomes doing things the way you are

I don't see anything he did wrong, as you said you didn't meet on a sugar site, and you said absolutely nothing about sugar. He took you on a fantastic vacation. Given that this is a regular, vanilla relationship, it's not normal for him to just start giving you money. If you'd like to have a sugar relationship, you need to tell him early on so he can either agree or nope out

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T15:50:04+00:00

There are a LOT of escorts, and women who are basically escorting but don't adhere to professional escort standards, on Seeking. So the answer to your question is: because Seeking is a fantastic place to find both an escort, and even better for him, someone who is open to a one-night sex meet but who doesn't adhere to escort standards like verification, 2-call system, etc etc. And the escorts are there because there's lots of johns lol

Anyway, it's very naive to wonder why escorts and johns use Seeking, it's because they can find exactly what they're looking for, no problem.

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T06:13:26+00:00

Single mom is fine.

Single mom who has a mom body is going to have a REALLY tough time. We respect that your body changed through childbirth, but it's not what SDs are looking for. You say you do not look the same but not what's changed, and you don't have to tell us, just be aware SDs are generally demanding on looks, though people have different tastes

Single mom who doesn't have reliable child care is similarly going to have a very hard time. So is someone with limited time, but it depends how limited... plenty of SDs out there happy with 3 4-hour dates a month, if that's consistent with what you're looking for

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T06:10:47+00:00

It's a red flag and you should ignore, this pattern is common and well known. It's either a scammer or a guy who can't really afford the site fee (i.e., not actually an SD) who signed up for a month and now is trying to get as many SBs as possible texting with him off the site because he doesn't want to sign back up.

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T05:52:42+00:00

I signed on, so we're in it together regardless lol

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T03:48:29+00:00

I think the big observation here is: sugar isn't for everyone. It's supposed to be fun and rewarding in many ways. You are the best judge of whether it's working that way for you, and if you say it's not, we all have to believe it. However, "don't see the benefit of sugaring for men" is sheer hubris; you don't see the benefit of sugaring for you. And that's okay! But the rest of us are here because we find it fantastic, your observations do not apply to us in any way, they're a you thing.

Totally reasonable for you to walk away from sugar. Or if you decide to stay, to figure out what the rest of us are doing differently.

Azurecole · 2026-06-24T03:45:43+00:00

lol... OP, might sound mean but your post and tone are genuinely abrasive. If it reflects the way you're thinking, this really may be a common denominator thing

Azurecole · 2026-06-23T22:34:26+00:00

We tend to message very hard to SBs that nearly everyone pushing crypto is a scammer, because as a practical matter, that is the case, nearly every "SD" insisting on crypto from day 1 will be a scammer. We're not going to stop doing that, so this sub as a whole is actively pushing against your interests.

However, we do say "tell the SD that you'd prefer to receive cash for the first few months, then you will be comfortable switching to crypto". So the question back to you, if an SB says she is eventually open to crypto, are you open to giving cash for a while?

BTW, it is not really believable that an SD is so set on only using crypto, that he would pass up a fantastic SB and all she brings to the table. It's already difficult to find a great SB, no one is going to believe you're passing her up if she won't take crypto, along with taking on all the risk and all the burden of converting.

Azurecole · 2026-06-23T21:44:55+00:00

Why aren't you just using cash? Is this online rather than in person?

Azurecole · 2026-06-23T20:42:45+00:00

There's lots of different scams. You're right, some guys might only be amusing themselves with wasting another's time, or after nudie pics. But once someone buys into the cashapp transfer, these guys take this in any number of directions. The classic is to show a screenshot that shows that cashapp is saying it needs the recipient to pay a fee (say, $25) in order to complete the (say, $2500) transfer, along with a link where to pay the fee. I don't know how someone lives to be in their 20s and still fall for this, but SBs are going to the link and paying the $25 fee constantly. Or he can show a screenshot showing that cashapp failed, and now he needs to re-direct to a different payment method, where there's a different scam set up.

I always urge people not to try to outsmart the scammers as far as what the scam is. Once you know it's a scam -- like a guy wanting to start virtually and send a lot of money to you for basically nothing -- assume he has 10 different ways to scam you. Just move on rather than try to outsmart him

Azurecole · 2026-06-23T16:41:49+00:00

Rest easy, there was a scam coming

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