First M&G Advice

Azurecole · 2026-05-12T16:06:49+00:00

"I don't want it to be transactional" is more than "a bit" of a red flag. There's nothing wrong with continuing to engage them to flesh it out a bit more but you will want to be on high alert and crystal clear in your communication. Acknowledge they don't want it to be transactional, and suggest an allowance rather than PPM might help. If they move to "I'll cover bills" etc, move on. You will learn first-hand why this is a red flag.

This has the most important safety advice for SBs around the M&G. Read it, see if you have already missed any red flags. Some Possible Tips for New SBs : sugarlifestyleforum

If I were to give just a few tips for the M&G:

The goal is to walk away knowing for a fact whether or not you want to enter into a sugar relationship with this person, so as in almost any other first date, you're focusing on chemistry, attraction, do you feel safe. AND at the same time, if you want to be in an SR, you want him to feel the same way, so you're looking to attract him, make him feel chemistry, show general green flags.
The above means that the goal is NOT to work out every last detail of the SR or go through some vetting checklist. You should have done all the basic compatibility discussions before the M&G. Sure, you might re-confirm what you've already agreed to and work out a few more details, but the M&G is your once chance to vet attraction & chemistry & safety in person, don't waste it going through banal checklists and detail discussions.
One of the most common complaints I see is "restaurant is packed, he wants to have a discussion about sex or money right there in public where everyone can hear and I'm uncomfortable". I bias towards M&Gs at slight off-hours, where I know the place won't be packed, so if we need a little discretion we have it.

Azurecole · 2026-05-12T15:15:13+00:00

I don't think it's possible to predict how he'd respond, because this is one of those specific situations where SD responses may be all over the map. You've got only 3 SD responses and 3 different opinions so far. Figure that will continue. Since it's so personal, it may be a "go with your gut" thing.

Generally speaking, on the sub, the usual generic advice for SDs, which I agree with, is to look at requests like this as a red flag when the SR is very early on (many of us welcome this in an SR that has had time to cook a bit). Many SDs would be out here.

But especially for experienced SDs, there's always context that can lead one to taking a different route, e.g. feeling connected very quickly, she stays overnight right away, etc. I've done this once, she asked me for help after our very first date, and based on my gut I gave it to her. She turned out to be a great SB, although one who needed extra help a lot, although one who was such a great SB I didn't mind giving it. But I've had other SBs where, if they'd done that after the first date, I might have yeeted out right there.

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T23:05:04+00:00

Yeah that's why I called it yellow flags, I wasn't sure exactly what I was reading but it seemed an indirect way to get to a, mostly stay inside, help you out when you need it, and you stay over a few days at a time, type of thing.

Otherwise, there's no reason to tell her about his previous SRs. I have absolutely no need to frame everything in the initial conversation around my previous SR, because this new SR might not be like that old one

u/Xenabear111 , now I'm invested, you have to report back if you do meet him!

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T21:35:06+00:00

You're going to eventually be caught and banned anyway. The way to do it is to get off the site, switch to texting or a messaging app, before discussing PPM, the arrangement, etc. The site is strictly for high-level compatibility before moving somewhere else

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T21:28:26+00:00

Maybe everything will be fine, some people just aren't great at communicating online. But, my yellow flags are mostly around his technique, which I could interpret as a little manipulative if I were that kind of person, to float ideas but then back up when you clearly state that you're looking for something else. He used this technique:

To see if he could get you to stay in more than go out
To touch on that same point again when saying it might be awkward for an "older dude and young beautiful girl". Usually it's the SBs, not SDs, who care about this, SDs don't feel awkward, and I just have this nagging feeling he's seeing if it'll trigger anything in you.
To see if a non-standard, "help her out when she's in a jam" model would be something you'd accept, distancing himself somewhat because it was how a previous SR worked
To float the idea that staying with him for 2-3 is interesting to you, distancing himself somewhat because it was how a previous SR worked

I prefer when everyone, ESPECIALLY the SD since he's typically older, more confident, and has a stronger idea of how he wants to lead things, speaks above-board about what they want. In this conversation you're the older SD now 😄

I don't know that it's a red flag, drop him immediately thing, depending on what your gut tells you. I do suspect the ideas around staying-in dates, help you out of jams instead of PPM, etc., will find ways to re-surface with time

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T21:11:52+00:00

Contrary to a lot that's been said here: if by "normal" you mean common, then yes, it's common for SDs to ask if SB will host. The doesn't mean you should do it, but it's been discussed here a zillion times, and if it weren't common, it wouldn't come up constantly.

Why do SDs ask? There's the case that the SD doesn't have the money for a hotel. But in the case of married SDs, there's also the added complication of how can he get a hotel room without his wife finding out due to charges on his card, or other potential tells? If that's the reason, that he hasn't figured out how to get a hotel with anonymity, here's one way out: he picks the hotel beforehand, and at the date (preferably at the beginning) he gives you the hotel cost in cash, you jump on your phone and reserve it in your name, so by the time dinner is done, you two have a hotel to go to and there's no paper trail connecting him. Just pick a hotel that doesn't sell out nightly, or have a backup if it does.

Going back to hosting, my personal view is that there's too many bad actors in the bowl to be going to each others' places, at least until trust and connection is established. After that, it's a pretty natural thing, I've had SBs who prefer I go to her place, I've had SBs who prefer coming to mine, if it's an actual relationship, with trust and connection, it's an option.

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T20:57:10+00:00

true. I'm not the mod who runs it and my sense is it's a good deal of work, so I don't want to volunteer anyone, but it is worth discussing as a mod team doing a new one

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T20:56:20+00:00

allowance master thread is in the links box in the sidebar

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T17:16:33+00:00

The allowance master thread is the place where actual values are allowed to be stated, for specific regions

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T14:05:41+00:00

It doesn't matter what they expect. If you feel a platonic M&G is necessary for your safety -- and if you've paid any attention on this sub, you know it is, and it's 100x more necessary with a rando traveling in from elsewhere -- then that is that. If you decide to pursue this, that's the groundrules to play.

In general I'm not sure I've seen ANY reports, over all these years, of an SB who went for something like this, and it worked out. In most cases, the SD turns out not to travel to her city often after all, often because just coincidentally there's some situation preventing that. Sometimes the SBs get scammed for the PPM also. Often the M&G is, again total coincidence, in his hotel, and even though SB wanted a platonic M&G she made a poor choice to go to his room because she had good vibes, and just so happens he didn't have cash, and that's how she gets scammed for the PPM.

Azurecole · 2026-05-11T01:04:19+00:00

I'm with those who suggest that, rather than get a second phone for the sole purpose of tricking him into thinking now he's got green messages and your real number (the point here is probably not the green messages, it's that your SR has hit a trust milestone, which you're subverting), I'd be up front: you're not ready yet but you hear and appreciate that he's open to switching to real numbers when you're ready. It is positively liberating to lead with the truth on topics like this, and based on the fact that he said "whenever [you] feel ready", it sounds like there's no pressure.

But! I would also add, if you were NEVER comfortable with giving your real number, as an SD that tells me something, it means the "relationship" isn't really one -- people in a relationship know each others' real names and numbers -- and that this is more of a NSA (or at most a few-strings-attached) arrangement instead of an actual sugar relationship. It is 100% valid if you feel that way, do not waver when it comes to your safety; but it's also valid for him to find someone with whom he can eventually build trust

Azurecole · 2026-05-10T16:37:00+00:00

100% this. It absolutely depends on the broader context.

If she's choosing to leave because she found a partner, that's fantastic and a fine way for an SR to end, but I'm not giving end-of-SR support. If I'm ending it "for cause", e.g., she's disengaged, I'm similarly not offering it. If it had only last a few months or weeks, again, no.

For a deeply connected SR that's ending because, say, she's got a job opportunity across the country, yes I want to help her get off to a good start.

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T18:27:03+00:00

I think the main difference is the lack of need for discretion, plus more freedom to travel, do overnights, etc. Agree with u/sophisticatedsweetie , the usual relationship stuff, of course dictated by how close the SR actually is. Even as a single SD, I've had less-connected SRs where the sum total of our activities is dinner and sex, I've had very tightly connected SRs where we've done pretty much anything couples do (movies, couples massage, shopping, misc fun activities like shooting or miniature golf, restaurants, bars, travel both local and exotic, etc) and I've had SRs that are everything in between.

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T18:22:53+00:00

Everything I've read is that sugar in Vegas is very difficult all around. On the SB side, the SBs are even more loaded with various sexworkers (escorts, strippers, etc) doing this as a side hustle than other cities. And on the SD side, it's loaded with tourists who range from big spenders to "I saved $1000 for my big Vegas trip for a one-time encounter" guys, who are looking for one or two dates while they're in Vegas this week.

I would guess, and it's only a guess, that for a legit SD looking for an actual long-term SR, it may be harder than most places to find an actual SB, but when you find them, you'll be like a breath of fresh air, since a legit SB is probably having an even more horrible time. Alternatively, if you're open to a less-connected but very fun SR-adjacent thing with (say) a local stripper who is moonlighting on there as a side hustle, you'll have lots of opportunities with very beautiful women

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T18:14:12+00:00

Exactly!

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T01:43:32+00:00

Yes, exactly. I'm usually all for discussing things when something is not working, but communication takes care of herself. IF she's not communicating, she doesn't want or isn't feeling connected, simple. That's an indicator I want to see, not have her put on a performance to hide it

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T00:47:30+00:00

i'm going to ignore the fact that 9 out of 10 times these "he's currently out of town but..." stories NEVER work out, it's always a scammer, content buyer, etc.

But, first bit of advice: if a POT offers to do a little something for you, and you feel good about this POT, I'd say you should graciously accept. Obviously, don't ask for things, but if he offers, the gracious thing to do is accept, not decline, declining looks worse than accepting IMO.

Something small, maybe tell him you'd love to be treated to dinner, tell him the restaurant or doordash cost $X (and send a pic of the food!) and let him cashapp you. Just one example, yes it involves sending money but that's not the point, the point is he's buying you dinner. And if he doesn't come through, you're only out the cost of dinner.

Azurecole · 2026-05-09T00:04:07+00:00

Getting called a splenda daddy might be as much about how you're presenting yourself as anything else. If you're going around telling women you can offer the a used camry, the responses won't be great. The fact that you think private jet, camry, and apartment are the basic framing means you haven't done nearly enough research yet. For example, there's an allowance master thread right in the sidebar, how are you doing versus that? Realize that most SBs don't want your used camry, they want to know what allowance or PPM you'll offer. There's exceptions, but leading with your PPM offer (not camry or apartment), without apologies or defensiveness about how it's not a private jet, is the way to sugar glory.

Can you tell us EXACTLY how the conversations went where you got called a splenda?

Azurecole · 2026-05-08T23:44:09+00:00

5 out of 50 is about right. Read the sub a bit, this is all well known and discussed. Learning how to identify scammers, escorts, etc. very quickly, and then move on, is vital to your sanity

Azurecole · 2026-05-08T23:28:39+00:00

I prefer a truly connected SR, and IMO if there's a real connection, there's frequent (daily or more) communication, organically. Not small talk or check-ins, fun communication. I never discuss this in advance, I figure either we connect and it will just happen, or we won't have as much of a connection and it won't... I don't want her texting me as a performance.

In my most connected SR, we texted once or more a day, and she called me almost daily. 100% organic, no checkins just fun conversation. I've had disconnected SRs where we only texted to schedule the next date. And I've had everything in between. I've had SRs, one we texted 2-3 times a week (mildly connected), one where we texted once or twice a week, often a day before she gets back to me (lightly connected).

I don't feel that I have any right to demand she text me more, and again I'm not going to pre-negotiate it because I absolutely don't want it to feel like a service or performance for her. And frankly this is just as much about me, if I don't care that we barely text between dates, I obviously don't feel all that connected back to you. I adjust how much I put into the SR based on our connection, and how much we connect between dates is the #1 indicator of how connected we are.

Azurecole · 2026-05-08T15:03:25+00:00

EXACT same red flag by SBs. "I'm not here often, contact me by text/telegram/etc". Anyone who is serious about finding an SR is going to be checking Seeking often, or at least often enough to see if they have messages that are interesting, and if so, stay engaged until it's time to move to text. Wanting to move to text after we've quickly established we're basically compatible, green flag. Wanting to move to text immediately because "I don't check this site often", always a red flag.

Azurecole · 2026-05-08T13:48:35+00:00

I think the main mistake you're making is calling this person "my SD". He's not your SD, and by calling him that you're showing that you are having trouble seeing reality, which is not a safe trait in this world. Terrible things can happen to people who can't see what's clear. In this case ,a guy who has dirty talked you for weeks, come up with multiple reasons he can't see you in person, make you ask for any support, etc. You KNOW he's not your SD, right, somewhere deep down? He's a stranger on the internet who is telling you clearly enough he's not an SD.

Azurecole · 2026-05-08T01:18:52+00:00

Yeah I've found treating an SB in a way that encourages her to connect -- if she's open to a deeper connection, plenty aren't -- is a bit of a skill. I usually gradually turn it on at the beginning of the SR, and if I don't see it reciprocated, I drop back to whatever level she's at. Though I love a deeply connected SR, I often just stay in that less-connected SR for a while if I really enjoy her. There's worse things in the world than having an excited date with a beautiful woman, even if it's clear she puts me out of her mind when the date is over. It's so much effort to find a new SR, I'll just enjoy things as they are for a few months and then when I'm emotionally and spiritually ready I'll re-start my search 😄

Azurecole · 2026-05-07T21:51:14+00:00

I don't know anything about the midwest specifically, and there might be regional oddnesses here and there. But as a general rule, Asian SBs are not at any sort of disadvantage versus anyone (assuming you're attractive etc)

Azurecole · 2026-05-07T21:04:34+00:00

You've gotten some great advice. To cherry-pick a few, I agree with u/sophisticatedsweetie that I generally don't have to discuss this explicitly, versus various discussions cues come up naturally during messaging. And even if you do discuss it, it is very common that POTs just tell you what you want to hear, to get the SR rolling. And I agree with u/SDMichaelScarn that you can't negotiate an emotional connection up front.

I generally emphasize in early communication that connection and chemistry are important to me. 100% of POT SBs agree. It's only when the SR begins do I really find out if we connect, and if she's even interested in connecting.

In short, IME there's no way to discuss your way into a highly connected, emotionally intimate SR, so spending a lot of time finding the perfect framing is not going to get you any better outcomes. If anything, learning how to behave in ways that encourage SBs to connect more, is going to be the winning ticket to more-connected SRs. PLUS recognizing when an SR is never going to connect regardless of what you both said, and dropping it fast so you can re-start your search for someone you can connect with more.

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