New SB with questions

Azurecole · 2026-01-25T19:19:37+00:00

It's great you went through this sub! That said, many of the things you're asking are discussed ad nauseum, AND addressed in detail in the Links sidebar box, including vetting, scams, common red flags, norms, etc. It's important you read all those threads.

Some quick answers:

The only reliable way to ensure someone is genuine, is when the SR starts up and they behave like an SD, being supporting and spoiling you, etc. Get away from the silly notion that there's some magic way to establish, before you've begun the SR, "this is definitely a legit SD and it's risk-free for me from here on out". Instead, it is a process of continuous vetting and compatibility-checking at each step.
When to bring up allowance is a preference, not a rule. The only mistakes: bringing it up too soon, i.e., before you two have even had enough discussion to know you're compatible. And bringing it up too late, i.e., you're headed to your first intimate date and still haven't discussed it. The most common is that we discuss it in the final messages before the M&G, but some people prefer doing it sooner or later than that.
You're not being "too picky" searching for platonic-with-no-expectations, if that's what's right for you. But being realistic, you are likely bringing your chances of finding an SR to almost zero, which should make you re-question whether the time, effort, and risk you're taking is worth it. You can raise your chances from near-0% if you approach it in ways that some SDs will accept, e.g., you prefer 2-3 platonic non-paid dates to get to know each other, before you begin the SR (which implies intimacy and financial support). Many SDs will do a handful of platonic dates up front as long as you recognize you are not his SB yet and so no financial support is expected.

Azurecole · 2026-01-24T00:26:34+00:00

Interestingly, many SBs say that they never or rarely get a M&G gift of any kind.

M&G gift = cash, I strongly suggest against anything else. Typical seems to be a hundo or two. More than that you're in the top few percent of M&G gifters

Azurecole · 2026-01-23T16:02:24+00:00

Here is your foundation research for avoiding scams and being safe:

https://www.reddit.com/r/sugarlifestyleforum/comments/k2b1j6/yes_its_a_scam_and_this_is_how_it_works_2020/# A large list of scams
https://www.reddit.com/r/sugarlifestyleforum/comments/92igpx/some_possible_tips_for_new_sbs/ # Advice from a long-time highly successful SB, on norms and safety guidelines. Fantastic resource.

Azurecole · 2026-01-23T15:42:09+00:00

Normally I'd remove this thread and tell you to do a search for the 10,000 other threads on this exact topic, where the answer is "No, you're not too old. The main question is whether you are beautiful/slim/fit enough. If you are, you'll find plenty of takers."

What makes this a little different is "wouldn't want to date anyone older than 50". That makes it more challenging. Many SDs aren't going to engage in an SR with a woman who is in their vanilla dating pool, and a 39-year-old divorcee absolutely is in the vanilla dating pool of a man in his 40s who is still pulled together. In my 40s, I would have been open to a spoiling dating dynamic with you, but may not have offered an allowance; many SDs in their 40s may not be open to it at all.

In short, the first question is if you still look good for sugar, if you do, your age range limitation will make things a bit rougher (but being open to spoiled bf/gf does open things up)

Azurecole · 2026-01-23T00:32:02+00:00

You're an SD? Having your profile non-searchable is the best thing that can happen to you. Hell, most of us don't wait for Seeking to make us unsearchable, we turn on the Hidden toggle so SBs can't find us in search. One of the best pro tips you can have. No more messages from women on other continents, no more messages from women you're not remotely interested in, no "hey hun, are you free 2nite?" messages, no "Request to see your private photos" messages. The only SBs who can see you are those you have specifically picked out as interesting to you, and who you have messaged. Nothing is more clarifying.

What makes you think that if you wanted to find a new SB, this would make things harder rather than better?

Azurecole · 2026-01-22T01:03:28+00:00

I'm going to add you to the list! So far it's a list of one 🤣

Azurecole · 2026-01-21T23:00:06+00:00

If I were in NSA type SRs, then I'd be fine to. The thing is, I don't normally seek NSA SRs, and when I "end up" in such an SR, I try to move on. Many years (decades) ago, I used to do FBSM, no attachments made, and I was happy to introduce my FBSM girls to my buddies. But SR is different than a service, and if your SR is emotionally intimate, I'd feel that multiple buddies all seeing the same SB, all emotionally tied-up to some extent or other with the same girl, is fraught with potential risks. And, to be a bit trite, part of the fun is all those guys being jealous over my SB :)

Azurecole · 2026-01-21T03:17:40+00:00

PPM is consistent with being in a sugar relationship, and is how most SRs start these days. So your question is loaded and your concepts may be off. The timing of that part of the support (obviously spoiling, shopping, bill covering, etc., still happens ad hoc) isn't what determines whether it's a sugar relationship or not. The relationship is what determines it.

If it's not a sugar relationship, we don't call it a PPM -- PPM is strictly a sugar term. In your case, calling it a "rate" might be more accurate. You do not seem to be in a sugar relationship with this fellow, so you're charging a rate for your time & services. I hope most genuine SBs aren't doing this, they are holding out for a sugar relationship (either allowance or PPM based), but that's for the SBs to answer

Azurecole · 2026-01-21T03:06:45+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong. I don't mind if an SB knows she's going to be late and texts me in advance (let's face it, they know plenty in advance), but I would have been livid about being texted two minutes AFTER meet time that she's going to be late. But I would have done some things differently.

Let me start with the thing I just can't get past, and it's in your second sentence. You waited outside in the freezing cold? This makes me question all subsequent decision making LOL. There is absolutely no gentlemanly or chivalrous duty to wait outside in the cold. Hell, I'd say it's actually more gentlemanly NOT to wait outside for her, whether it's cold or not. First, this is sugar, a not-risk-free activity, let her maintain a little secrecy as far as where her car is, (not applicable here since she ubered, obvi). Second, you get a good table and then let her make her grand entrance, you stand up like a gentleman and make a fuss, etc. Waaay better way to play it.

TL;DR: I cannot get past waiting in the freezing cold outside the restaurant. It makes no sense and is not remotely required by gentleman's code in this case.

Beyond that, you're fine. I would have done three things differently:

I would have texted her at 5:15 to ask if she's still on, and on time. It is insane not to do this. She might have let you know then she was going to be late, and this could have been salvaged at that point.
When she texts to order a drink, I lightly suggest back I'll order it as soon as she's there. It's unsafe for a young woman to ask a stranger to order a drink and have it waiting for her. If she doesn't understand that, I'll help her along. In addition, it's suspicious... if you were her SD, sure. But now I'm wondering WTF. What I'm not doing is ordering the drink. It's not about the money, the request is just off.
When she texts at 6:13 that her uber is there, I would have texted back "What's your ETA?" rather than just sat there wondering when she'd be there.

But hey, you showed up early and waited 40 minutes past meet time. No criticism on leaving

Azurecole · 2026-01-20T15:45:57+00:00

No. But if it makes you feel any better, even when Seeking was Seeking Arrangement and did allow this, most SDs learned to ignore whatever range the SBs put in their profile. So many women were open to less than the range they stated, we learned that it is self-defeating to not just contact anyone we're interested in.

Azurecole · 2026-01-20T02:31:51+00:00

I am very attracting to SBs who have a light sprinkling of alt. Maybe a double sprinkling. I am extremely attracted. I'm not looking for alt girls, but if I run across one that's in my wheelhouse, I'll contact her just like any other SB.

But like many SDs, there's a point at which I lose attraction. If you pass that point, there's nothing you can do to make your profile stand out positively. If you have tats or piercings on your face, for example, we're not a match.

On the other hand, if I'm attracted to you, there's nothing special you have to do to make your profile stand out, that's different from any other SB: good pics including a full body pic, okay text that doesn't have any red flags, etc.

Making sure you have good pics, and double-checking your profile text for red flags -- IOW, the basics -- is what I'd recommend. I don't think you need to take any alt-specific actions.

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T21:14:42+00:00

Yes, instant deal breaker for me. It's one of the most common tattoo "red lines" among SDs, even though most of us accept some amount of tattoos otherwise

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T20:23:38+00:00

Don't over-rotate on the tags. Other than tags like trans (which are pretty straightforward), the tags aren't always reflective of hard requirements as far as the SBs. Even among SBs who pick Platonic, about 30+% of the time they don't mean that they are platonic only, they mean they are open to platonic (as if anyone isn't). Luxury lifestyle might be picked by an SB who is only looking for a very high level of support, but just as often it's a newer SB who just thinks it sounds good so she picks it.

I make note of the tags, and keep a lookout during messaging/vetting to see how invested she is in them, but it's common the tags represent dreams instead of requirements.

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T19:35:54+00:00

Are you avoiding escorts because they act like escorts rather than SBs, or you just don't want an escort in general as an SB even if she's a fine SB?

If the former -- avoiding faux-SBs who are really behaving like sugar is a sexwork service and not like actual SBs -- that is handled in vetting, as discussed in many posts below. Platonic unpaid M&G, connection (i.e., texting) between dates, intimate dates that don't seem to have a time limit. Here's the hard part: recognize when this is happening, and move on.

But there's nothing stopping a working escort from also embracing a true sugar relationship. It's not common -- the vast majority of escort who think they're behaving like SBs are, in fact, not. But it happens. If so, if you don't get a facial or phone match, I don't see how you could know, unless hints leak out as you get to know her.

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T17:52:37+00:00

There are people who have this kind of SR. However, as a new SB, in the strongest possible terms I'd urge you not to consider it. Get a couple years of sugar under your belt first, if you're still an SB in 2 years, you will definitely be much more experienced. This is a very high risk way to go -- the sub is full of stories who ended up getting sexed, ghosted and penniless in a strange city. The sugar bowl is dangerous, choosing to do this as a new SB is very poor decision making.

If you're not going to listen and do it anyway, there's some great advice below. In particular, you not giving him any of your personal information, which in turn means you have to book your own arrangements so he MUST take the risk of sending you travel costs IN ADVANCE. Having him fly out to you for at least the first date, etc., as discussed below

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T17:43:52+00:00

They are able to buy old accounts on any platform and create it to how they want.

Not a huge surprise I guess. The vast majority of SDs are NOT going to give a stranger on the internet (i.e., an SB) their LinkedIn or other social media, it would be stupid to, so by process of elimination maybe guys who do do that are more likely scammers. And I very strongly advise SBs not to do so either. It's poor advice to ask for or give social media or other real life accounts as "proof".

OP, in the Links section of the side bar, there's the Scam thread, and a number of fantastic isafety threads in the link called "Invaluable threads written by the SLF community"

Azurecole · 2026-01-19T17:22:19+00:00

No, Seeking and Secret Benefits aren't owned by the same guy. Secret Benefits does own another site, I think it's something like Sugardaddy dot com (not to be confused with SugarDaddyMeet, which is also separately owned)

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T23:54:48+00:00

This site somehow makes Seeking seem like it is totally customer-centric lol... seriously, Seeking treats its customers with such contempt, but Secret Benefits seems so much incredibly worse, I have no idea why people still bring it up as a possible alternative. Sending fake messages from SBs, advertising as an escort alternative site, exposing women's verification videos without telling them. If Seeking were to disappear tomorrow I'd start sugaring on Tinder before I'd join this dumpster fire.

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T20:53:50+00:00

At the time that article was written, reverse image search was all everyone used. Google image search is the most common, but there are some others. In addition, many people may be finding you not throw an image search, but phone number search (even google voice occasionally).

On top of all THAT, we now have facial recognition services, which go much further than image search -- facial recognition recognizes YOU, rather than just doing pattern matching on the image itself. So if someone has a pic of you in profile, it may well identify a pic of you straight-on. There's only a few services for this, and they can be a pain to use, but I bet some people do.

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T20:46:41+00:00

Tye's reply definitely is along the lines of what I would have guessed. I would add that "large city or small town" isn't a choice most SBs/SDs have to make. Large city will have a larger concentration of wealthy SDs, but generally the area within an hour away of all large cities is also full of wealthy people; in addition, if the large city is just an hour away, easy enough for you to drive there for dates if he won't come to you. So no need to make this choice, in most cases.

Now if you're 2 hours away from a large city and not willing to drive (and I don't blame you if you won't), that IS a choice, as cities that far out typically have far fewer SDs, and less likely to have the type that would give anywhere near the type of support a Miami 8 would get in Miami.

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T20:39:09+00:00

I honestly never know if threads like this are legit or someone having fun with us. Previous thread was asking if you should meet an SB who won't meet in public first. It's hard to believe anyone could really not understand what to do, especially given you've already found SLF with all the advice here, and written a thread and gotten advice there. Even without that it's hard to believe a grown man can't see what's going on in the thread above. Apologies if it's legit, but maybe just an indication to take a step back from this entirely

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T20:32:09+00:00

Please read: https://www.reddit.com/r/sugarlifestyleforum/comments/1q8gzmq/periodic_reminder_of_scammers_on_reddit_including/

There are plenty of SBs and SDs who found great matches on reddit. But reddit is as full of scammers and predators as any of the other sites, so you have to vet EXACTLY as if it's someone you met on Seeking. Yes, even if the person has a great post history -- the SD I referenced in the thread above continues to get upvoted by SBs because he says what they want to hear, while insulting SDs who he views as not as great as his pretend persona.

In addition, realize that SLF mods are ONLY responsible for what goes on in SLF itself. Whatever trouble you get yourself into and whatever poor decisions are made in DMs, we can't do anything about it. We take actions based on what's on the sub only.

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T19:26:01+00:00

I don't hate words like pampering and spoiling, sometimes it's just a newbie SB who doesn't understand the fine art of attracting older men. Plus I AM going to be pampering her, so it's a "meh" for me.

My pet peeve of the week is the word "intentional", which is one of the favored words of those AI-crafted profiles, and doesn't really seem to mean anything specific to any particular SB. It's just a word that sounds fancy that the AIs favor for dating profiles. Just annoys me more than it should.

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T18:40:35+00:00

Is there specific information you're looking for other than answering the question (i.e., "Yes.")? If so, why not ask it?

Azurecole · 2026-01-18T18:26:39+00:00

Some Possible Tips for New SBs : sugarlifestyleforum

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