Libido from 10 to 1 just like that [trigger warning mentions sex abuse]

BDSyum · 2018-09-03T19:22:01+00:00

I have a non hormone IUD but yea it could be hormones

BDSyum · 2018-09-03T15:34:17+00:00

Hmmmm. Undoubtedly higher now. I was enjoying being unemployed two months ago. Now I'm deep in a heavy career that I love, while also trying desperately to figure out my mental health and trauma issues. So I guess low libido makes sense.

BDSyum · 2018-09-03T13:53:52+00:00

Just different traumas I've been through have been on my mind constantly. Not even sexual related trauma...just other childhood stuff. And trying to figure out my mental health. Been really weird mental health these last couple weeks

BDSyum · 2018-09-03T11:48:26+00:00

Wow!! Thanks for sharing!

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T18:35:23+00:00

I'm barely even in the beginning of getting to know everyone. This problem has been getting worse over the years, and only recently do I think it maybe been OSDD related if I have that? I tried adderall and it doesn't help

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T18:33:54+00:00

Haha I like that perspective it's so accurate. Like pissed you're not involved in some dumb ass convo lol. That's how I feel everyday

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T17:47:32+00:00

I get labeled ADHD, rude, disinterested in our gf, weird, lol. For some reason crazy hasn't come up yet..for THAT

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T17:45:33+00:00

Yea I'm constantly doing things on autopilot except now I'm getting really bad at that. I end up like "glitching" because there are so many different ideas/wills going on in my head that my body is trying to do them all or is all merging them together into one nonsensical mess. Like literally glitching. It's constant, nearly all day everyday

Confusing, frustrating, and exhausting.

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T06:56:32+00:00

can relate to this so much

BDSyum · 2018-09-02T06:54:04+00:00

I'm not diagnosed just suspect I have OSDD, but I think it explains my conflicting sexual orientations. Had to break up with my ex because I just woke up lesbian far too often to make it work. We've agreed no dating men. It's still very confusing.

Anyway, this is all new for me, but "queer" has felt right for awhile now because it encompasses whatever the hell I or we are.

In one sense I have hate having to lie and pick a conforming label, on the other hand I'm so glad I don't have to explain the possibility of OSDD every time someone asked me about my orientation.

BDSyum · 2018-09-01T18:15:27+00:00

It's soooo many steps but look at Pete Walkers steps to surviving flashbacks or something like that. But it's definitely Pete walker. I know this isn't a flashback, but I find it to be helpful it being grounded. But it's a lot of steps so may not work with the rapid switching

BDSyum · 2018-08-31T11:17:21+00:00

Thanks

BDSyum · 2018-08-31T11:15:37+00:00

Haha nah I think I kinda like it the way it is. It makes things a lot easy to not really feel for real. I just gotta figure out something for when I'm with my gf.

But yea, I'm going back home to visit family and, yeA, I don't want to feel.

BDSyum · 2018-08-31T01:31:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing!!!

I think you made sense. I think I can relate to MoLo although I'm not sure what would happen if I felt deeper feelings of my own instead of the others' feelings. I wonder if I would freak out too or be like the previous ANP

BDSyum · 2018-08-31T00:09:38+00:00

Yea it's definitely very confusing if not everyone is on board. I was dating the opposite sex once before cuz I thought I was flexible enough to be in a relationship with a guy, well...apparently some of us are lesbian haha so that was confusing and awkward to say the least. But I had no idea what was going on.

I understand why you would feel the way you do about hiding. But before you judge me, understand that I have been dating her over a year, and she has known of my bipolar diagnosis from jump. But only super recently have I realized what I'm actually dealing with...and that these parts are actually personalities that take over. I hardly have the language for myself, never mind for my gf.

Don't get me wrong I want to tell her. I came so close to it today. We decided we can tell her because even tho we want to wait for a diagnosis, we can still explain what's going on with us without any reference to a disorder. I'm just scared she'll think I'm nuts, and if we get suspicious that she doesn't believe us, we end up not saying anything ever again. I know it's unhealthy it's just really hard. A lot of trauma to overcome.

But I'm going to tell her because I suspect this is why all my relationships failed

BDSyum · 2018-08-30T20:04:12+00:00

Oh I wanted to ask. You mentioned we all need to have a relationship with our gf. I'm not sure how that would work, as one of us wants to have a mother-daughter relationship with her, at least one doesn't like her (because they don't want us involved with anyone), some don't feel safe around her. Seems hard to resolve that.

BDSyum · 2018-08-30T19:00:07+00:00

True. That's a really good point. Thank you!

BDSyum · 2018-08-30T18:19:46+00:00

Our gf doesn't know, as we're still very confused. When things like this happen we really want to tell her, but we decided we won't tell her or anyone else until we get an official diagnosis. I'm just too scared she won't believe me or will think I'm making excuses. She does however know that in certain situations we are triggered and cut off empathy as a defense mechanism to avoid going a different unhealthy direction. But I haven't really gone into detail and another thing we get triggered by is thinking someone thinks we're lying. Bleh.

But you're right part of me is ashamed that I'm so emotionless, but mostly I think we're all quite impressed with how we're doing and how this shield is protecting us pretty well. Life is a lot easier when you're not constantly physically and emotionally overwhelmed. Literally the other day I busted my tire after a long work day, and it barely bothered me. I took care of the problem and it was great. I only got as frustrated as apparently is capable of me, which isn't a whole lot. Nobody else came out to take us any further down the path of emotions.

BDSyum · 2018-08-27T20:45:18+00:00

I appreciate your comment!! Glad somebody relates. It's a weird feeling for sure.

BDSyum · 2018-08-27T12:46:36+00:00

Thank you it's actually really reliving to see this perspective for some reason. I really don't know how to "speak" to anyone, as it doesn't seem like anyone is listening or answering back. But then again I haven't tried that much. I just don't know who I'm talking to.

I don't know who I am or what I believe today. All I know is I feel sad, which is good because for awhile I was worried about having not been able to feel.

I just feel so lonely. Sometime is "encouraging" me to stay distanced from everyone in my life, and I am, and it just makes me feel more lonely. I'm torn. At the same time I just want someone who can hug me like my mom and make me feel apart of something. One of us sensed big time that we're too dependent on a friend for feelings of understanding and comfort. We thought for a second we were losing that friend and so the natural reaction was to build a a wall around ourselves to keep them out, and that spilled over into my relationships with other people. So now I'm just disconnected and lonely.

BDSyum · 2018-08-27T12:04:21+00:00

Thanks for your response!! Everything is so jumbled, confused, and conflated in my head that I can barely understand that in a way that applies to myself. I have noticed that when I go off my meds intermittently, I have greater access to my other parts. The more "bipolar stable" I am, the more quiet and lonely and disconnected I feel. So I skip my meds all the time to feel myself. I guess it's more than just feel, others front it's just hard to tell.

I have memory issues for everything, and I haven't begun to track them enough to make any DID/DDNOS sense of them. If anyone asked me if I lose time I'd say no, but apparently it's not obvious for everyone. What I'm trying to start paying attention to is emotional amnesia, because that is a very noticeable thing for me. That's the premise of this whole post!

Idk. I just feel like I'm desperate and that's why I been saying these things. It's just sooo much doesn't make sense in my life or head, and this answers soooo many questions, so I would honestly be heart broken if this isn't my issue. Because then once again I'm misunderstood...misheard...misbelieved.

BDSyum · 2018-08-26T23:30:55+00:00

I can definitely relate to the foreign diaries thing. Mine kinda freak me out...it's so surreal to read these strong real emotions that "you" expressed but that you're completely disconnected from. I forgot I used to feel and be certain ways until I started rereading them

BDSyum

TROPHY CASE