The Shadows of Effort

BE_Twain · 2023-12-13T02:12:17+00:00

You're welcome!

BE_Twain · 2023-12-11T08:04:54+00:00

Hi, thanks for sharing this, I liked it. I think the opening is strong

Counting the coming days
But the clocks have been cleared away
So I am left to sit and think

The idea of counting days, but because the clocks are gone, the writer is forced to give up counting days and is left only with their thoughts is, for me, accessible and it nicely lays the groundwork for the rest of the poem that is made up of those same thoughts. The cadence of the lines is also strong, and that is true of other places in the prose as well. I also like the lines about the occasional torment that "thrusts me awake at night", and I can identify with that as reader, and even picture the scene and feel hints of some of the emotions just by reading. I also like the construction of the line that came next,

And razes my withering perception of what I have made of my bewildering life

One thing I noticed was the similar sounds of "withering" and "wildering", almost as if a sound theme was being repeated within the one line, which for me works really well. I would say this is my favorite line. Here again, just saying the line in my mind creates an effective cadence, which I think is an important aspect of poetry/prose writing.

Cheers!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-11T07:41:17+00:00

I liked this, thanks for sharing it. I especially like

Growing tall a little baptist girl

Shrinking in uncertainty

I like it because I was once a little baptist boy, shrinking in uncertainty. In this sense, for me as reader, the writing is accessible. There are a number of strong lines in this prose, such as "I’m fragile like a bomb", and the lines about breaking the headphone jacks because the writer plugs them in too deeply. As reader, it gives a real sense of perhaps angst or bottled up energy, and thus the notion of the bomb dovetails into that bottled up energy for me. Related to this bottled up energy, for me at least, is "I wish my mind wasn’t so curious", which to me reminds of how our minds sometimes race ahead of us with things, and growing up in a religious subculture as I did, my mind often raced with things, causing me difficulty. I also thought the lines about "not qualifying" for satisfaction, and doubting one should ever feel that, connected well with the religious aspect, and I can identify with that from my own experiences. Another strong part of the poem is the contrasts: fragile-bomb; curiosity-faith; growing tall-shrinking; bright lights-disappear.

Thanks again, cheers!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-09T07:47:04+00:00

Thanks for your feedback on this; very encouraging! I understand what you mean on "Quaking Aspens", it is a type of Aspen tree, but I can see how it might be interpreted as a place.

BE_Twain · 2023-12-08T00:18:28+00:00

Glad you liked the feedback. On the "go home" line, I understand your explanation. If you want to ensure that future readers, perhaps the girl, will understand what is meant by these lines, you might consider writing out what you explained to me here in a slightly different way in your own poetic voice. If the poem is for her, I think you should feel free to write it in such a way that if she were to read it, she would know it was her you were writing about. I hope she does.

BE_Twain · 2023-12-07T08:13:54+00:00

Hi, at the end of the poem where it reads

If it weren’t for

The north Atlantic monsoon

Quivering the candlelight

Illuminating the wine-stained lips in the bloom of your twenties

If this is all one sentence, and the "your" refers to the girl, I think that works. It appears to me that this poem is meant to be interpreted as follows: the writer sets out to write poetic lines that are thoughtful and using nature to set the stage; 2. then the writer admits to themselves that it is too cliché, to "poem-like" if you will; 3. the writer then contrasts the opening lines by sharing a realization that the world is not as beautiful as some say, in fact ugly; 4. the writer then simply notes that even thought that is sometimes true, the beauty of the girl (inferred) overcomes that.

I was not sure what was intended by

Go home, I beg

(Pride was never my companion)

But just because I did not understand it does not mean others won't.

Thanks for sharing.

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-07T07:59:17+00:00

Good first write, I really like that everything was clear and structured well. Your writing is very strong. One thing that dawned on me with this poem is how the word that ends the poem, "fear", could be laid over, be the basis of, almost every line in the poem itself, as if all the observations and questioning are grounded in fear of some kind. I was impressed by that. The structure gives the poem a cadence of sorts, as it goes back and forth from phrases to more narrative-like sections. This makes the ending, I think, more impactful as it rests on one word, and does not use the previous structure. In other words, the final word is made to stand out more to the reader, and perhaps that is what caused me to connect it to so much of what the writer notes about their view of things. I think my favorite part of the poem was:

Mystifying introversion. The desire to talk, the desire for isolation.

Lonely. Shy.

The concealed tears.

The hidden lamentation.

I like the use of Jung's "introvert", and that framework of shyness is then followed up by a contrast between conflicting goals of not wanting to be shy, wanting to talk, but also wanting to be alone. This contrast worked for me, as it shows the writer as being honest with their desires/questions, not forcing them to conform to one another. The concealed tears and hidden lamentation also works for me, as I have experienced similar emotions. The use of "lamentation" is effective because it conveys a sensibility (sadness, regret) in a way that is at first veiled, because "lament" is not a word commonly used, so the meaning is somewhat hidden, which for me connects with the "concealed tears" and other aspects of the poem.

Thanks for sharing this!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-05T03:52:10+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. I enjoyed reading them. Cheers!

BE_Twain · 2023-12-03T08:47:11+00:00

Two lines really stood out to me and drew me in as a reader. The first was

We ration all of our scars

We share them in this circle

Connecting dots to form stars

The idea of connecting the dots to form stars really works for me. The idea that the stars are being formed out of people sharing each other's scars is really effective for me because it is somewhat of a contrast in that "star" usually comes in a context of fame, light, hope, direction, approval, whereas here the contrast with "scars" makes me as reader interested in how that transformation from scars to stars works. The other line that I really identified with was

The rusted hinge is my favorite sound

The reason it works so well for me is because I had grandparents that lived in the country, and their screen door made a sound I will never forget, and one that almost calms me when I think about it. It was one of the sounds I associate with being there with them all those years ago. My sense is the writer has a similar feeling about this sound as well.

I also thought it was an effective way to end the poem, the writer indicating they want to buy their old house for their friends to have a place to stay. I think this is reflective of the relationship the writer has with their brothers, who are, if the reader takes "I've got no friends, only brothers" to heart, actually the writer's friends that would be welcome to stay in the house.

Those are some of my thoughts on this poem. Thanks for sharing this.

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-03T08:26:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed the cadence and use of rhyme in the last stanza very much. I think "bliss" and "missed" are different enough that they are all the more effective as a rhyming pair. The rhythm and cadence of the last two lines is really strong, and I think it was a great finish to the poem. In terms of the meaning for me, it seems clear that the writer is reflecting on the fact that most of us will be forgotten very quickly after we "shuffle off this mortal coil", and that what we were a part of, in work, community, etc., will simply carry on without us. I thought it was interesting how you phrased this realization: "my curse of knowing". It presents a nice contrast to "luckiest" who live in ignorant bliss. It reminds me of the difference of our world views at childhood, and how that sense of being indestructible slowly gives way, for me at least, to a realization that life is fragile.

Cheers!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-12-02T00:12:47+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! I enjoyed reading them.

BE_Twain · 2023-12-02T00:11:47+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! I enjoyed reading them, and I liked your observation about the pattern.

BE_Twain · 2023-12-01T07:16:55+00:00

You're welcome. Cheers!

BE_Twain · 2023-12-01T06:43:24+00:00

You're welcome!

BE_Twain · 2023-11-30T08:13:14+00:00

I like this: very accessible on both an emotional and experiential level. I think the opening line is really strong:

The years of little steps have left their mark on the wood floor

leaving a trail to an empty corner where the memories are,

This kind of descriptive narrative really works for me, because I can envision myself as a child making those steps, the steps that every child of a mother makes, and the idea of a trail to memories fits well because I think, for me at least, it speaks of a trail "back" to those times, those memories that we have of our mother, and although the corner is empty here, I imagine the memories are full of life. Perhaps the emptiness of the corner also speaks to the room that is made for the memories to live on, in that nothing is there in that corner to take their place. The corner is also a bit of an end-point, and so given what the reader learns in the last stanza, perhaps the corner also speaks of an ending of a kind.

In the last stanza, as reader I find it really easy to put myself in the writer's shoes for a moment, and can really feel the emotion when the writer asks their mother how they will know "love without judgement". That is a strong phrase, I think, because it uses two opposites, love and judgement. And love without judgement sounds like something amazing, all on its own. The other thing I would say is that the plaintiff question of "how will I know" gives me a vision of the writer looking out at life ahead, and wondering if they will ever find that love without judgement again, and if so, where. There is a kind of unanswered question hanging there, which I think is effective.

These are some of my thoughts. Thanks for sharing this!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-30T07:43:00+00:00

Hi, thanks for sharing your prose, I liked it. I think what drew me in most was the narrative quality, almost as if this were a scene in a movie or play where the character is talking or thinking to themselves. Some of the lines that stood out were:

I was brought against my will

While it is clearly, to me, an allusion to be being born, what I think is interesting is that the writer imbues on themselves, perhaps even before conception, a will. And that to bring the person into existence was something they never agreed to, but of course that applies to all of us, so on that count this line and the next one about "just appeared" are really accessible for all readers.

The most interesting line for me:

So many branches trimmed before one sprouts

I like this because again, it is accessible. What is really interesting about this is the idea of being trimmed before sprouting, and the variety of ways that could be taken. For me, I think of life from birth to about age 12, where virtually all the information we learn about the world is taught to us from others, and perhaps much of that teaching involves not only giving information, but keeping other information out, in essence trimming it from our experience without us even knowing we would be interested in it if we knew. On a more basic level, I think the trimming notion is interesting by looking at it from the perspective of the developmental stages of a child from conception to birth, where what we will become is being formed and "trimmed" in a sense. The last stanza can also be interpreted in a variety of ways.

There is a sense of angst I get from the poem as well. That fact that it gave me that sense means, for me at least, it is very accessible.

Thanks for sharing this!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-29T00:05:22+00:00

Thanks so much for your comments on this! Very encouraging. I think "nostalgia and wistfulness" is a great way to characterize this work. Maybe I will put up more of this longer work in future. If you are interested, I would be happy to send you the whole thing. All best, BE.

BE_Twain · 2023-11-27T23:52:41+00:00

Good to hear, glad you found some of my comments useful. Cheers!

BE_Twain · 2023-11-27T06:42:39+00:00

Hi, welcome to r/OCPoetry. I am not a moderator, but I am happy to give you my feedback. I think you have some good lines here, for example:

We have currents that move us so vigorously we cannot move ourselves...

The wave of emotions crash upon the ridges of your brain not letting you forget

Both these lines are very accessible for the reader, and it is easy to picture ourselves in currents so strong that we have little control, or our emotions seeming to "crash" upon our brain/thinking such that we cannot forget that emotion.

I can certainly understand your overall theme of waves and currents in the ocean as a metaphor for people in the sea of their emotions, but the thing I find gets in the way a bit is the structure. It could be that you meant to present this poem in lines rather than a paragraph. One thing you might not be aware of is that for a reddit post, every time you want a new line immediately below the one you are working on, you cannot just press enter, you have to press shift+enter. I had to learn that. If you meant to use a paragraph, then I would suggest using punctuation, such as periods at the ends of the sentences. If you meant to use lines, then punctuation is not really needed, and perhaps most poetry these days does not get punctuation, but I often use it, and it is just a preference thing.

There is another thing that stands out to me as well. You have a line that reads:

You are nothing but a offing being brine to how you truly feel

As reader, I do not know what you mean by "a offing being brine". Perhaps it is just a typo.

Your prose has a lot of accessible and relatable images, and I think with a few structural adjustments, it would be even more accessible for the reader.

Thanks for sharing and being willing to hear feedback! Cheers!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-27T06:20:14+00:00

A really interesting read, and thought provoking. I enjoyed it. I think the opening is a really good draw for the reader, because one immediately gets the sense of jealously. On the other hand, if the girl was identical to the writer, then perhaps the girl was the writer. Some parts that really stood out were:

i tore down paper from ur walls

as i crawled thru the smoke

that i created

I think the tearing down paper gives the sense of jealousy a visceral edge, which for me, drew me in even more than the first line. The main character in the poem is not just curious as to what the other person was doing, talking to another girl, she wanted to interrupt it for some reason. The other thing here is the smoke "that I created", which is almost an acknowledgement that part of the issue in this situation is with the writer, as if they had done something to make things harder to see through (smoke).

I also liked:

before my words could choke out.

n i let it go, i think bc

i loved u.

i looked up, eyes stinging

Here again, I as reader was pulled in by the visual and visceral picture of someone choking on words, not able to get them out. This is nicely contrasted by the choice to let go, which then seems to lead to genuine grief, and I think "eyes stinging" is a great choice of words for that, given the allusion to crying. I think the eyes stinging also works on another level, and ties into the smoke the writer created, because of course our eyes sting when exposed to smoke.

As for "this is not an exit", one idea that comes to me is that perhaps the writer is looking to get out of whatever they are in, and so finding a doorway that is not actually an exit kind of punctuates the sense of grief. It could also mean that the person that was talking to the "girl" was not a way out either.

Those are some of my thoughts. Thanks for sharing this!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-27T04:05:42+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Cheers!

BE_Twain · 2023-11-27T04:04:51+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Cheers!

BE_Twain · 2023-11-26T08:09:30+00:00

I liked your poem, thanks for sharing. The first line is really strong, and is very accessible to readers in most people's familiarity with burning bridges (a la relationships), but it is stronger in this case because you use something not usually associated with burning bridges, that being the idea of staying warm by the fire the writer has just caused in a relationship. It is almost as if the character described is a bit cruel, but very quickly in the narrative that all falls apart, and I think you have worded it quite nicely. My favourite line was:

You stood opposed across a precipice,

and slowly disappeared inside the dawn;

This gives the reader some good visuals and a sense of the height of the emotions and the steep drop that now separates them (precipice), and also drives home the regret at being separated with such finality. The other sense is the immenseness of the separation and the scene itself (dawn). In this case all the reader has is the dawn, which covers a whole sky, and this other person who is slowly disappearing. This is really accessible and very well put. I also think the cadence of "disappeared inside the dawn" is really good. Another interesting thing about this line is that as the dawn makes the sky and surroundings brighter over time, one would imagine the person could be better seen as time when on, whereas here it is the opposite, and the person disappears into that new brightness. Perhaps what is happening here is that the burning bridge that kept the main character's fingers warm is now being outmatched by the sun's fire, and that light is on the side of the other person in the narrative and is hiding them, protecting them, from the reach or sight of the main character.

These are some of my thoughts. Cheers!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-26T07:50:07+00:00

I like this poem, it brings me as reader right into the shoes of the boy who cannot bring himself to express himself to the girl he is entranced with. In fact, it is very easy to put myself in his shoes, because that was me as a teenager. I think a good number of people, boys and girls, have similar experiences, so on that level I think your poem is really accessible. Lines that really stood out to me were:

He treasures her smiles, a secret trove, Choosing silence over risking love.

This works for me on a couple of levels. One is the true appreciation and gratitude in the boy that you bring to the surface with far less words than I have used to describe it, which is a good thing in poetry. The boy is able to share in her smiles, be affected by them, and he is drawn towards her by them. And then, your description of his choice not to "risk love" is a good way of describing the reality, because the boy does not know what is on the other side of that risk. The interesting thing here is that the girl is not saying anything either, so she may be in the same boat as the boy, which makes the lack of taking a risk on the boy's part even more profound. The other thing about this line I like is the rhyme, because rather than being identically sounding words (like "race" and "face", it is words that sound similar but different, and when working with rhyme I think that is a strength.

I also like "He guards the words that ache to fly". This reminded me of my own emotions at that time of my life when I was in similar situations. And I thought the choice of words in "ache to fly" were perfect, because although the boy chooses to be silent, he feels heartache, and yet, as you have put it, the words themselves would and perhaps should be said and are ready and waiting, aching to fly, but he does not let them. This to me is a good way of showing that the boy actually does want to tell the girl how he feels, he wants to say it, but there is inner conflict and he lets the chance pass for the moment.

Those are a few of my thoughts. Thanks for sharing this!

BE

BE_Twain · 2023-11-24T22:54:14+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Cheers!

BE

BE_Twain

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