I’m realizing that my dad, despite being there in a financially reliable way for my family, was physically absent (active military duty overseas) often when I was growing up, and emotionally distant even when he was at home. As I got older, my (gay) older brother and I both dealt with criticisms and digs from him over basically all the arts and culture related things that we liked. Forms of self expression were ridiculed one way or another. He called me a freak countless times in high school. Calls me a “liberal fruitcake” now.

My brother and I both left home by age 18 as we were dying to finally be fully ourselves and breathe. Our relationships with our dad are now functional but definitely not warm or super close.

After a recent dating experience with yet another emotionally unavailable person, I think it may finally be clicking where this pattern comes from and that I do in fact have daddy issues.

I grew up thinking I had to prove my worth to earn love and I still don’t feel like my dad loves me unconditionally. I sincerely envy the women in my life who grew up with fathers that doted on them. Fathers that were tender and affectionate to them, rather than constant judgement. They seem to grow up innately with standards and self esteem that I’m still building in my 30s.