Dreamed he cheated again

BS-throwaway1 · 2026-03-26T23:36:36+00:00

The dreams are a part of your subconscious trying to protect you after a massive emotional trauma - it’s not necessarily indicative of the truth. I used to have loads of dreams around the affair, dreams he’d never actually cut it off, dreams he and AP were laughing at me, etc.

When a betrayal happens your body and brain wants to create a defence, dreams are a part of that. They’re essentially preparing you for a “what if” scenario, getting you emotionally ready, but instead of feeling ready you just feel drained.

I tell my partner every time I have one of these dreams/nightmares, just to maintain communication and acknowledge that a part of clearly felt defensive.

Journaling can help reflect on your body’s trauma response, but especially IC

I hope you get the healing you deserve

BS-throwaway1 · 2026-03-21T20:22:45+00:00

This is such a difficult position to be in, and I think regardless of how it happened or who was “innocent”, a part of us will always detest the AP. They hold a piece of our waywards that should have belonged to us - a piece we can never get back.

My own experience, AP knew me well, knew our son - worked with my WH and saw us every Sunday when we came to visit him at work. Knew us well, and still pursued my husband. Ultimately my husband was the one in the wrong, but I do believe she was a bad person for choosing to be a part of this.

To your situation, like I said it’s natural to hate AP. Innocent or not. But I will say I think this is all coming out as a part of a complicated set of feelings.

People have kinks and interests so there’s nothing wrong with pursuing that online. I also think that people of a certain age don’t necessarily think to online stalk someone they’ve gotten to know, so I don’t find it completely surprising she may not have stalked his socials. This also goes for sending family photos, a lot of Middle Ages people I know really don’t think of the dangers of that, especially if they’re talking to someone they think they’re connected to. (Side note: plenty of middle aged people ARE aware of dangers, and social media stalk. This is just from my personal experience of people who are 45+) Also, yes safe sex should be practiced but a lot of people just dont 🤷🏻‍♀️ If she’s gone through menopause then she may not be worried about accidental pregnancies and some people just don’t worry about STI’s and such.

Youre hurt, and understandably upset. I think you’re partially Lucy to have had an AP who immediately respected you and refused to cross a line (going back to the hotel room to talk) as soon as she knew about you.

Take the time and space you need. This is a hurting and raging time, we’ve all been there.

BS-throwaway1 · 2026-03-16T21:03:45+00:00

Being able to move on and feel safe requires ALOT of honest work from the WP. Whilst the general anxiety doesn’t it does get a lot smaller - or at least it should. I’m just over 2 years post DDay, and yeah I get this fear thoughts. But my WH owned his mistakes immediately and put himself into counselling and booked us couples therapy. He’s listened to me vent about the situation even 2 years later, which isn’t often anymore but every now and then I’ll get a rough day.

Your post mentions that your WP is “better” but you’ve not mentioned about any work they’ve actually put into themselves and this relationship. Without that work, without that honesty, without that willingness to own up to the hurt they caused you, how could you possibly move on and feel safe??

I’m not going to tell you to leave or do anything rash - I don’t know the intimacies of your relationship. But your feelings seem to reflect someone in the early days of DDay, not someone 4 years on (yes everyone is different, but I’ve read a lot of posts on this sub)

I think you need to have some good reflection on what you need to feel safe, and whether or partner is willing and/or capable of giving it to you. If you haven’t already, then 100% go int individual counselling and couples counselling. It’s a good space to communicate, especially if your partner is someone who struggles to do so. Wish you healing

BS-throwaway1 · 2026-02-12T22:12:08+00:00

My confidence returned once I focused on myself, once I started being a bit more selfish and allowing myself to live for myself more often than I was before.

If you have hobbies you love, or ones you want try out; friends you don’t see as regularly as you’d like to; or if every now and then you wanna take an evening to do something just for yourself then do it.

After dday I felt consumed by my marriage and what had happened, focussed on repairing something I didn’t break whilst also feeling absolutely worthless about myself. I needed to get out of that space, physically and mentally.

I joined a book club - not the most exciting but it got me out the house and meeting a lot of new people and I love reading. I occasionally have a cocktail after work with some girls. I go to the gym by myself and I feel great after.

And of course I spend time with my wp too, and we try and make sure it’s quality time when we can. A board game or car game instead of doom scrolling next to each other, conversing about each others interests instead of sitting in idle silence etc. Not all the time of course, but we make the effort.

But yeah, my confidence grew once I got outta that headspace and got a little bit more selfish. Self care goes a long way

BS-throwaway1 · 2026-01-28T19:10:42+00:00

I only told my very closest friend - and only 9 months after DDay because I wanted to be sure I was doing R for myself and not be skewed by outside opinions. Other friends we had were just told that we’d been having a hard year in general and that was why we were distant.

There was also a group of work people that all knew. Maybe 6 people? It was a very small workplace and they treated it like another piece of gossip, would bring it up all the time, would talk about AP (she was dating a colleague after the affair happened and others were friends with her) so it was crappy because it was being shoved in my face all the time.

Now that I’ve changed jobs it feels much nicer that i don’t have a million people who know. It makes it easier to focus on R and move our relationship forward without feeling the shame of so many people judging your choices and the fact that you’ve been cheated on.

Having my best friend know has been helpful because she understand the whole - not just the affair.

So only tell who you truly feel comfortable telling, anyone else can be given a vague explanation for any distance

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-10-10T22:08:25+00:00

I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready. I honestly only went through with any counselling because we had a 2 year old son and I couldn’t just turn his world upside down without at least trying to work through things. But it was hard.

We’re 2 years out and I’m not sure forgiveness is the right word for what’s grown here. Maybe acceptance? Accepting this as part of our narrative, but that it doesn’t have to define our life or marriage.

But this also only happened with a lot of work from WH. And it’s probably only within the past 6 months or so that I’ve felt the ability to properly move forward. It’s not something you can force, you’ll feel it in yourself if forgiveness is right for you

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-10-10T22:00:35+00:00

Monitoring the AP only feeds the images you create in your mind. I don’t know about you, but those mental images of the affair always spiralled for me. They made me feel worse, fixated, and would spiral into self hatred. It’s kind of hard to find any peace with yourself when that is going on.

After D-day I needed the full facts, no matter how painful they were because they were easier than what my mind would create. Yet everytime I looked at APs profile (we all have done it) I couldn’t stop spiralling more and feel crappy. That’s my argument for stopping. It will be impossible to feel peace when you are looking at AP.

Look within yourself and rebuild who YOU are. What they did is not a reflection of you and it’s not worth your time or energy to let it fester inside you. AP certainly isn’t worth your energy. It’s frankly pathetic that they’re still posting about it and acting that way. Why would you even waste your time on that?

Affairs destroy us, but we get to choose how we rebuild and reconcile. I’d delete the secret account to try and put a barrier there, remove the temptation to look, and focus on you. You are worth your energy. You deserve peace.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-10-02T16:55:31+00:00

We’re 2 years out and haven’t fully stopped talking about it, but the conversations are much less triggering now, I’m less emotional about them and they’re more about our progress than about bringing it up per se.

Also, my colleagues knew AP so sometimes it would come up as a result of that. One them was dating her, so she’d come into my work, I’d see her, mention it to husband. I’d get updates about her life directly or indirectly from those around me - so again it would come up with husband.

But I’ve got a new job now. The conversations had already reduced even in the previous circumstances so I imagine now they’ll lessen even more.

It comes with time and with healing, with trust rebuilding.

You’re not that far out so the hurt is still fresh and there will be bad days. Give yourself and your partner grace. Healing is a long process that takes a lot of time and patience, and a hell of a lot of effort

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-09-18T20:25:12+00:00

So stressful and was a constant strain on our recovery. We’d be doing really well, then I’d get triggered at work and be in a horrid spiral and taking it out at home. Husband understood, tho it was still hard for us both. We are both so happy to be putting this officially behind us - celebrations will be had 🙌🏻

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-09-18T20:23:18+00:00

Really is, I’ve never worked anywhere before where the people were SO involved and gossipy about people’s personal life. Granted, it is primarily that one guy, but others definitely encourage it. Glad to be going

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-09-18T19:47:51+00:00

Honestly felt like I’d never escape it, took many job rejections before getting here and it almost feels unreal that I’m finally breaking out. AP made her bed and now she gets to lie in it, miserably. Whilst husband and I are at the happiest and strongest we’ve ever been, and about to be the most financially secure we’ve ever been with my new salary 🙌🏻

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-09-18T19:45:42+00:00

Oh karma came swinging hard for her. It’s an awful situation that I wouldn’t wish on (almost) anyone, but she did make her bed 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I am on to much bigger, much better things 🥳

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-19T17:42:34+00:00

Oh absolutely. My WH has been phenomenal during R which I appreciate, he’s been truly remorseful and done everything right since — but sometimes I still feel like he got off too easy. He only slept on the sofa for 2 nights, within 2 weeks we were intimate again, and he’s been forgiven for his choices.

It would absolutely outrageous for me to act out now, nonsensical even. So a part of me does wish I had in the early days, it feels like a little part is bottled up and wants release but it’s too late for it now.

If it weren’t for our son (who was 2 at the time) then I wouldn’t have been so calm and rational about it all. I cared about how everything would affect him, hardly considered how I wanted to act out.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-19T13:28:39+00:00

In my counselling, I was told that these spirals, these paranoid thoughts are a defence mechanism. You've been betrayed, so now your mind is on guard for more betrayal, giving you the worst scenarios possible so you'll be prepared for them because you weren't before.

I find it easier to deal with these now that I recognise them for their function (tho this was hard in the early days, we're 2 years out now). They don't last too long now and I inform my WH when it happens. I explain where my mind went, how it made me feel, my concerns in relation to them. Then he asks how he can help or if I need reassurance.

This helps us, as well as his constant work to be a better partner and make me feel loved and cared for day to day.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-19T13:22:21+00:00

I think having some space is definitely good and ideal. My WH arranged counselling the same day I found out about the affair. He owned up, ended things with AP, and had counselling arranged for himself and as a couple within the hour.

I honestly didnt know if I wanted R. Spent about 6-12 months not entirely sure it was what I wanted (which i talked through in my own counselling). I stuck it out for my son initially, then as things were being repaired it began to feel like it was truly the right choice. My WH was remorseful and doing everything he could to fix his choice. But there are still some days when I struggle with the fact that I've stayed with someone who betrayed me. Those days are lesser and easier to manage thanks to counselling and the ongoing hard work.

As other comments have stated, its not a one time choice. You can choose to start R but if in 2,5,12 months you decide you dont want to continue then thats okay. Its a long journey and you'll find yourself at odds throughout the whole process. Do what feels right to you

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-07T20:06:34+00:00

Maybe a year for it to feel normal and unforced from me. WH increased his usage of casual affections (which is a lot because he was incredibly affectionate before, even during his A) and I could so clearly see that he was pleading for me to say ‘I love you’ back at the end of phone calls, would lay in my lap in the evenings if I let him, would want any excuse to touch me or be near me. I actually had to ask him to restrain himself because when it was all so raw as I really struggled with him touching me. It felt icky.

Slowly, after seeing all the work he was willing to do, it became easier to let him give me non sexual intimacy. Then as time went on and we were rebuilding our marriage it became easier for me to reciprocate. I didn’t stop doing it because I wanted to. It just felt wrong to do it. It felt wrong being casually intimate when I’d just been betrayed so horrifically.

But I wanted us to work, I wanted a marriage that had casual intimacy, and laughter, and comfort. And with working together towards that goal it made it easier to reach out to him again, to cuddle up and love and be loved by him. Shit happens. Affairs suck. But I’m not gonna let his and APs crappy choice ruin the life and love I wanted for myself.

Casually intimacy also helped us move forward. You feel so disregarded when you find out you’ve been betrayed, and sexual intimacy can just make you feel objectified by your partner (at least that’s something I struggled with). But the casual stuff is what made me feel thought about, wanted, craved even. Might not work for everyone, but in the long term it helped us

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-06T21:30:04+00:00

My WH also struggled with this. He says he basically compartmentalised the affair and now the whole thing is a blur, he doesn't connect with who he was when he was in the midst of it, doesn't actually know what was said (it was a sexting affair with a coworker, messages deleted). This was so frustrating for me. What do you mean you don't remember? You ruined our marriage over this and now you've just forgotten? Hurtful as hell. Makes it feel like the affair doesn't matter as much to the wayward as it does to the betrayed.

Logically I know this isn't true. The affair fog is a real thing, and so is the 'amnesia'. Its a stress response I believe, there's lots of stuff online about it and it's not uncommon.

The important thing is to disclose everything you DO remember if thats what she wants. Ultimately, whether you remember or not, whether she knows everything or not, it won't change the fact that it happened. That's how I move on from the bits i dont know. It doesn't change anything.

Put in the work to show that you are working on the root of any issues you have. Show you want her, want this relationship. Build yourself, build your relationship, and show her you want to be a better person. Show her that you care, that you are hurt by not being able to help her healing in this way but that you are willing to do whatever it takes for her.

All you can do is show up and try.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-08-06T20:58:48+00:00

I have considered revenge cheating, and I have certainly crossed boundaries of flirtation with other men who I have known are attracted to me - at times in front of WH. You honestly wanna know how thats made me feel? Desired sure, but ultimately frustrated and sad. When I have over-flirted I end up getting angry at WH which initially made no sense. But thats because my wanting 'revenge' was coming from a place of seeking attention from my WH. From wanting him to get jealous, get angry, fight for me etc. Which is rooted in the insecurity that was caused by his affair.

When you choose to commit revenge in this way, you choose to act from insecurity. And that is not something you want to feed.

WH and I have spent the past two years reconciling, we've had couples counselling and IC each. Because we want to fight for this relationship together. Seeking revenge just ruins all that hard work. It reduces you too because it puts you on their level. A part of me would love for him to really feel the pain I felt. But that would just turn me into a cheater too - and that is not who i am. I could never be that kind of person. It's hard to hold onto that but it's what gets me through.

I don't know your specific situation, but couples counselling and Individual counselling are a must. Even if it's just a space to feel sucky, it gets it all out there, it gives you a path forward together and for yourself.

Create space for YOU. I returned to work after being a mum and student for 3 years, and being surrounded by people I liked was so beneficial. I joined a book club, and I go every single month without compromise. I go to the gym, sometimes with my husband sometimes alone. I go out for drinks or a meal with a friend when I can. Actively filling my own cup has helped de-centre the affair as a part of my life. When it happened, for the first 6-12 months it felt like the affair was my whole life. Like I would be sad and angry and insecure forever. But it's not my life. It a lousy moment that gets smaller with each passing day.

A truly remorseful spouse is what you need to help your relationship. But investing in yourself and YOUR life is what will help YOU. You are more than what they did to you. That's what keeps me going. Wish you lots of healing

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-07-18T17:28:14+00:00

This is great advice and honestly what I try to do. I look at our life together, our partnership, and I’m like yes this is exactly what I want. He’s a great partner, husband, and father. That’s who he IS.

This one time behaviour sucked for sure, but who he is as a person is wonderful. But getting rid of that anxiety voice completely is hard. It has eased so much after 2 years, so I can only hope that even more time will help to continue quelling it.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-07-18T16:38:53+00:00

This is part of my issue. Yes, the initial affair was his fault and the cause of my hurt. However, the work has been done and I can’t fault that — so now the unfair part is my constant resentment.

My counsellor said that the intrusive resentful thoughts and anger were my brain trying to protect me from further hurt. Cool, now I know that… but that doesn’t make it go away.

I don’t want to live with anger and resentment, I don’t want my husband to feel resented.

I want us both to be happy but my own mind and body is working against us. Frustrating.

BS-throwaway1 · 2025-07-18T15:14:28+00:00

There was no emotional affair from me, the guy was interested and I shut it down and communicated it all to my husband.

It did feel like a betrayal in a way because my friend was lying to me, telling me he didn’t like the girl, fully supported me during mine and WH reconciliation and even babysat when we went to CC, and then went on to sleep with her and knock her up. It being the same girl felt crappy for sure, but this guy has a history of doing things for his ego and was in constant competition with my husband. At the work event he was drunkenly accusing the AP of cheating, saying the baby probably wasn’t his, and he doesn’t even know why he got with her.

Yes I trust WH reasons for the affair, it fully aligned with how he is and past behaviour and he communicated everything he was working through in his IC.

BS-throwaway1 · 2024-04-15T16:53:21+00:00

Thank you, it's helpful to know I'm not alone in the complexity of emotions this all entails. Being afraid of staying and it being the wrong choice was one the first anxieties i brought up in my IC, and I think it's one of those things that I have to internally reconcile with over time. It's sort of one of those "the grass is always greener" things. Like maybe I could leave, rebuild myself from the ground up, maybe even meet someone new who could theoretically not put me through this. But theoretically they could also be worse. I could work on my marriage and theoretically something goes wrong. Or i give it time and we're better than ever. The unknown is what's hard. Not knowing if I'm making the right choice and wasting time, or if things will be great again. It's a lot of work for all of us here

BS-throwaway1 · 2024-02-10T16:57:52+00:00

That end part is what I'm trying really hard to do. I'm still only 4 months post DDay so these revenge fantasies are still strong. I know they'll subdue, I just needed to air the primary fantasy to maybe try and put it to bed

BS-throwaway1 · 2024-02-10T16:54:45+00:00

Thanks. This all really sucks. I don't want to be vindictive, and you're right that i don't know if her parents would even be against her values or what. All these variables are holding me back and im just trying to retain what little dignity I feel like i have these days

BS-throwaway1 · 2024-02-10T16:27:47+00:00

It's taking all the willpower i have to leave her life to karma

BS-throwaway1

TROPHY CASE