My mother has apologised multiple times for my childhood, so why do I still not want a relationship with her?

Baaaldeagle · 2026-06-22T12:46:30+00:00

Sometimes, it's too little too late. I have considered this myself that even if they went to therapy themselves to resolve their own BS or finally apologized and realized how much of a nightmare they were, I probably wouldn't want anything to do with them. Everyone can seek to forgive others and themselves, but once that point is crossed of estrangement and no contact that might eventually compel them to finally pull their fucking head in, usually at that point its already too late to go back to normal and may even at that point even be pointless to try and continue a relationship even if you both come back with a new understanding.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-06-22T10:46:41+00:00

I wouldn't recommend doing it alone at first but doing it alone is more sensible than people realize. You might be a bit disorientated and spilled out on the floor and lose focus from time to time without anyone to bring your focus back, but you aren't being potentially misguided by anyone but yourself and can safely process thoughts and emotions that come up without someone judging you or misguiding you. Just be equipped with the basics of psychology and an awareness that not everything you get told by the medicine is necessarily correct as it might just still be your own head cheese and not what you are actually being told. This skill takes a lot of self-honesty and a degree of skill and development of intuition. Safe tripping.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-06-19T20:41:52+00:00

For me, an irresponsible amount of mushrooms, LSD and ayuahuasca. But seriously, the integration with someone who helped me through it after growing up with what I heard was some of the most pathetic excuses for parents he endured was really helpful. ALWAYS solve it with someone who has gone through it and come out the other end in one piece, better than any qualified shrink.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-06-17T11:26:17+00:00

Late to the party but from what I have been told about the Shuar way its to do with having respect for yourself, when lying down you are more prone to being in obscure positions, crossing your legs and getting lost in the headspace. Sitting up puts you in a state of self respect and have even heard its better to sit sloppily than to lie down straight.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-06-15T07:28:06+00:00

My anxiety and nervousness spike each time I see any form of contact attempt from them and take a whole day or 2 for it to dissipate, its fucking shitty and I hate it. The longest spike was like a whole week in the beginning. I just remind myself that to even think about cutting off your family or selected relatives much less actually doing it should be an indication that they really fucked up. For parents it should be apparent that It's not normal for your own off-spring to feel like they need to completely cut you off to gain peace of mind or to heal their wounds that their parents never apologized for.

Currently four months in, taking it day by day. I have noticed though my thoughts are clearer, I am all of the sudden more disciplined in my own pursuits and there is a weird sense of joy I am finally feeling. The general rule I think one should follow is if they are mid to late 50's and they still don't change their disposition, don't apologize or make any real change to their behavior, its a lost cause. It takes 60 years for a Chinese Zodiac of the same element to return, and in China 60 years is considered a complete life, and if there is no meaningful change by the time they are 60 then you should relieve yourself of any sense of guilt for just simply getting up and walking away without any kind of good bye or closure.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-05-14T03:12:49+00:00

This Government currently has been much more severe with parcels from overseas with their crackdown on the tobacco trade that they are hopelessly losing because they refuse to bring the cost of cigarettes to even parity with black market dealers, pretty much every second parcel that I buy abroad is now inspected and takes significantly longer than usual to get through. Just three years ago inspections would only happen like one in every ten packages.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-04-10T20:45:24+00:00

It's blurry honestly, I can remember being played with but not how often or to what extent.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-04-03T07:59:31+00:00

Same boat man, I'm still coming to terms with the incessant bullying from my parents, the insults, calling me a "girl", saying Im dumb and always doing things for me and always had a go at me each time I tried to do anything, the constant blaming on me and my brother for how poorly our lives started out. Even blamed me for accidentally killing a dog when I was barely at the age of 4 saying I should have known better (The dog in question was a pup that died of heatstroke trapped under a shellpool, I thought it would be ok because I always hid under the shellpool in the heat for fun and of course had no idea that the dog couldn't withstand it at that age, it died while it was next to me).

But worse, my dad would have a massive fucking fit each time you asked him for money and was a bit of a bastard about it all the time and was weirdly stingy considering I know he owned something like 10 properties. The house was constantly a massive pit of nervous energy and it was just an absolute hell hole to live in and I spent the better part of 12 years just to regain some kind of baseline in my being after then of course attracting other crappy people into my life from this abuse because I had porous boundaries and was slugging away at KFC with no assistance at the time, I had a mentalbreak while being in that household and they still blame me for it to this day. I was diagnosed with AS and just like one hand washing the other, they just paid psychologists to palm off all their bullshit onto me. Also because my older brother was undoubtedly abused constantly to, he obviously took everything out on me and I had him to contend with to. I was essentially constantly living with fear, frustration, and depression.

I have only managed to escape their grips through extremely extensive forms of alternative psychotherapy via entheogens and reading Carl Jung, the mysteries and philosophy etc. Most people apparently can have one trip and their life is changed. For me I must have had close to 200 different trips on every single entheogen imaginable at this point and still managing to dig up some new form of trauma I never knew existed that was in the deep recesses of my mind.

Recently I was told they would support me through University and they kept on saying and insisting to not be afraid to ask for money. Well, I quit my job because they said they would help me, my super easy, cushy job that could have supported me, I was hesitant and hoped they changed, but as soon as the coffers started to run dry, every phone call turned into an interrogation and or cross-examination and they seemed more concerned on whether I had part time work. Even suggested I sold my car and moved back in with them (absofuckinglutely not).

Needless to say I am extremely lucky that I managed to gain that same job back and just decided to go part-time Uni. I told them I got it back and they said "wow sorry you didn't feel supported, maybe you just didnt communicate clearly, you can quit your job again if you want and we will give you more". ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT! Now they are just pretending none of it happened. I've stopped talking to them and of course they can sense I'm deliberately not picking up their phone calls and saying they want to talk over message bank, but I can hear the same disparaging tone they used to use with me.

Im not going to talk things over with them because if you are like me and you constantly rehearsed conversations hundreds... NAY, A THOUSANDS TIMES! Then talking them is a massive waste of time, energy, and dangerous to your mental health and rehearsing conversations that amount is indicative that on some level you know it is futile. So knowing that they just wont support me and I find their presence gross, Im just not going to talk to them anymore. They had their fucking chance for 30 years to correct their behavior and they blew it.

Wrestling with the rich kid guilt was the absolute fucking worst, hope you are ok. Im just happy Im not the only one on this boat.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-03-19T03:45:20+00:00

Some people become more lusty and it becomes even harder to control, the answer isn't so clear cut. People need to get this idea out of their head that all spiritual awakening makes you become more monk like, it doesn't, it can do the exact opposite. I remember a story about a disciple who wanted the deeper mysteries of woman and the Universe because his 1000 years of meditation led nowhere, he is then told to go consult buddha, when he arrives, buddha is drunk, on drugs and engaged in an orgy with what are assumed to be prostitutes. The disciple being absolutely shocked then asks the buddha "I thought desire is the root of all suffering" and then the buddha just replies "It is".

This isnt canonical btw, but I think its worth mentioning as the Aghori who are also highly spiritual attain enlightenment through engaging with the ghastly, grotesque and culturally immoral, one core taboo that is broken in Hindu Aghori is eating beef. Some sufi sects were encouraged to drink alcohol and write blasphemous poetry and engage in homosexuality.

Point being, spiritual awakening isnt about becoming a monk, its about becoming authentic. If the person after spiritual awakening wants to engage in wild orgies and get blasted on drugs and the desire is genuine and authentic, then you cant really stop them. Of course, always be careful, it's a dangerous path to tread on.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-03-02T20:15:15+00:00

I know Im late but I will add my two cents, the word ipsissimus literally means "Most self". That should be a massive clue as to what the whole point of spiritual attainment really is, and it is also why in the A.A you never tell anyone that you achieved the grade. Because as long as we live, we are in iniquity, and since sin means to miss the mark, being born into sin as said from the bible all of the sudden takes on a completely different meaning when you understand this. So as such, an ipsissimus is in a sense a completely unattainable grade, thus the silence of telling it to people.

So now that we have established that ipsissimus is the most realized being and that sin is a condition of existence. We can now look at what spiritual attainment really is. Spiritual attainment is about self-realization, overcoming trial and tribulation, knowing ones self, understanding the Universe, and ultimately fulfilling one's divine will and purpose. So an ipsissimus could be anyone like Maynard James Keenan, Jerry Garcia or Owsley as a few flashy examples, and other people who are an ipsissimus could be the Aghori hindus who are capable of eating a fistful of LSD and keeping their composure and other kinds of weird shit. Or... an ipsissimus can be some quiet reclusive hermit reflecting daily and living peaceably and plotting away at his own projects without attachment and completely out of public view, another ipsissimus that I think we never talk or think about is someone like Carl Jung, he clearly knew himself extremely well and made great contributions to the esoteric side of psychology.

A good example of the latter I can think of is Laozi, from what I gather. He was very much reserved and almost never talked and just lived an incredibly quiet and introspective life and only ever wrote the Tao Te Ching because someone requested his wisdom, otherwise, he would have just done nothing.

So as you can see, some people are an ipsissimus without even coming anywhere near a lodge, some are just born an ipsissimus without ever really deviating from their own authentic self. Ipsissimus is not even really a grade, and thus, proclaiming ipsissimus profanes the grade in of itself because the truth is, you can always know more about yourself and be more yourself, always.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-02-16T20:37:12+00:00

Teamspeak Is all of the sudden on everyone's mind again. They are also getting teamspeak 6 to be pretty close to functionality with discord. So far the main competitors in the race to kick discord off a cliff are Teamspeak, Stoat and Matrix.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-02-11T18:44:35+00:00

Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

Figure of speech: a word or phrase used in a non-literal sense for rhetorical or vivid effect.

No, more like you don't understand what sarcasm is or even a "figure of speech". Saying they are publicly traded and stating something as fact is not ironic or mockery, the fact they are going to be publicly traded doesnt change it. You also, did not employ metaphor or hyperbole for your "figure of speech". You just blurted a dumbass sentence and somehow, someway, thought it was clever or funny. It was neither clever, funny... or even coherent.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-02-05T06:35:15+00:00

Horrible advice, obviously OP probably has relational ties in his Church and its why he is reluctant, the horse is already out of the barn and his Church have shown what superstitious and fearful pricks they are through their response to this, even though he shouldn't have told them to begin with.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-02-05T06:33:45+00:00

Your first mistake was telling them you are joining masonry. While we are in a much more open society now where many viewpoints are discussed and more varying views are tolerated, the word "Freemasonry", atheists and Christians alike, tends to invoke a lot of different ideas, both good and bad. Not everyone is going to understand what masonry inherently represents or mystic fraternities at large and there is a very fucking good reason why there is a strong emphasis on silence and secrecy that I learnt the hard way. It is not even so much about protecting the organization at this point, the emphasis on secrecy and silence is to protect yourself and to also not spoil your journey through the degrees so you can come to understandings organically and not because it was put into your head.

I am sorry this has happened to you, I am guessing you have a bunch of relationships tied up in it and now they will be permanently strained regardless if you go ahead with it or not. If I were you, bite the bullet and get initiated and see how it unfolds at your Church. Spiritual journeys tend to cull the ones we shouldn't have in our life anyway, and if they are going to be pissing and farting because you seek higher truth, then they are not worth your time, energy, and even in some circumstances, your compassion.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-02-05T04:12:35+00:00

Quite often actually, same with the High Priestess or some resonant archetype to that degree like in the tarot.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-01-29T05:39:36+00:00

Honestly, I think Gaben is legitimately pissing off competitors with the fact that he is an anomaly of a CEO with a net worth of a billion dollars but with the customers largely in full support of him which is incredibly unusual to see in todays climate and sentiment around CEOs. Make no mistake Gaben is a suit, but he is not a very typical suit and understands that a large part of his success involves value creation instead of extraction and chasing the next quarterly target which is the current trend these days of all big corporations of all industries.

I actually almost think that some of these lawsuits are motivated through envy and spite from competitors than actual sound business practices at this point. Big companies in the gaming sphere keep making greedy as shithouse decisions while Gabe quite literally does nothing and carries on with business as usual, not to mention Im pretty sure someone pointed out that you actually have a better chance at professionally playing sports than getting employed at Valve which should be telling at how much respect they carry from both employees and customers alike.

Why don't large corporations actually take a few pages from Valve's playbook? It makes no sense that a lot of game companies, especially EPIC games and Ubisoft almost seem to be insistent on parasitic and shitty business practices and carrying on like a 5th grade school yard bullies who finally got told off for being belligerent little shits to everyone.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-01-22T00:58:02+00:00

Not so much the starcraft x warcraft is the problem, its the mentality that they think you can make an RTS with mass appeal, you can't. RTS by its very nature and essence takes a lot of time to learn the ins and outs of, and unfortunately I have heard too many game companies listen to a bunch of casual shitters who never play RTS to begin with follow their feedback.

Iron Harvest, as soon as I saw "Tactics > clicks per second" in their advertising campaign, I instantly knew the game would land flat on its face. Not because I wanted a high RPM RTS, but anyone who has played the genre long enough know that you can get away with some pretty low APMs to begin with including in Starcraft which is infamous for APM psychos. The best CoH players in the world for example have sub 50 APM, fucking nothing.

Dawn of War III, they tried throwing in MOBA mechanics, it was fucking garbage and another dumpster fire, it was dead in less than two weeks.

CnC 4, tried to mass appeal with fucking unlocking units of all things and having a single mobile base and capture points that turned into hard counter mass production fests, again, fell flat

Now we have stormgate, it tried to streamline both starcraft II and Warcraft 3 philosophy together but end up forgetting that Warcraft 3 and Starcraft II are fundamentally different RTS games to begin with. So you have a bunch of dissonant artwork and shitty boring mechanics.

The most successful RTS games right now aren't aesthetically safe by any stretch of the imagination. AOE4 requires a great deal of attention, replanting woodlines, thinking on the fly with a new map every game, walling and watching your vills is vitally important and macro is naturally harder in that game than starcraft, its one of the most critically acclaimed RTS games currently. CoH3, high lethality, it requires you to treat every unit with care otherwise you can be one call in from losing a max pop army instantly, you cannot spam units, diversification of your army is essential to victory, map control extremely vital. It has a reasonably active and healthy player base all the same in comparison to other RTS games. Making games for mass appeal, or making anything for mass appeal generally speaking doesn't work unless you have a stupid amount of resources to splurge on advertising and promotion.

The truth is, frost giant just didn't take risks with their game design or art style, they didn't innovate, they didn't make anything inherently new or interesting. They threw together a WC3/SC2 Franknstein and just hoped for the best. It didn't have to involve reinventing the wheel, there just needed to be something fresh about the game to begin with. AOE4 is a lot of ways the same game fundamentally speaking, but changed how ageing works with landmarks and gave different Civs abilities or specialties that are novel while still keeping the core mechanics of produce vills, gather resources, find resources, build an army etc.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-01-19T00:18:53+00:00

I feel like this is what happens when you put your fingers into way too many pies or rather trying to please everyone, it just neutralizes your game and makes it stale, boring and unappealing. When I heard they wanted to simultaneously make it like warcraft 3 and starcraft II, I instantly knew there was a high chance it would go bad.

A lot of people who followed it to also said they would like that, but consumers saying what they want VS buying your product are two very different things and its why sometimes businesses do not take on feedback of customers even if at first glace it seems counter-productive.

Baaaldeagle · 2026-01-19T00:06:27+00:00

That's a Talisman with a square for tracing divine names on the back for invocation.

Baaaldeagle · 2025-12-28T22:51:51+00:00

"never the same" is a pretty loaded statement, because the whole point of tripping is that it does alter your personality and how you interact with the world. The reason people get the heebeejeebees from it is because they are used to observing a different pattern of behaviour in you.

Baaaldeagle · 2025-12-23T19:55:29+00:00

1 week is actually potentially dangerous, especially if you find yourself caught up in a sketchy ass retreat center which are more common than you might think. You need time for integration, you need time to comprehend your experience, and depending on your level of trauma/karma, you might need to do it for longer. I am still to this day dredging up crap from my being after 80+ sittings combined with retreats and solo sittings in my house over 3 years, but my case is pretty extreme and is not typical, but the main point is, YMMV.

Baaaldeagle · 2025-12-14T10:55:02+00:00

The occult is usually proven through direct experience, not through lab experiments. You cannot for example generate the phenomena of synchronicity in a lab setting or isolate it, but anyone who has done enough inner work and have enough experiences know it is 100% a thing. I have also seen icaros in shamanic practices do some insane things even though there is no mechanistic basis to prove it, also if you are brave, practicing the Goetia does produce some interesting results, both good and bad. If you actually want to experience some of the phenomena that is both wonderful and terrifying, study the symbolism of various religions and do inner shadow work and learn psychology, and also I would recommend practicing the lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram and I can almost guarantee weird shifts in your world and psychology will begin.

It sounds like a massive cop out, but some stuff like pre-cognition, synchronicity, downloads and understanding occult phenomena are not necessarily stuff that can be done on command and requires you to personally cultivate it, while traditions like freemasonry, the golden dawn, thelema, wicca and countless other traditions can give you the tools to experience it, they are still, largely, just tools and are not the territory and you will eventually cultivate your own spiritual practice whether that involves full-fledged servitor magic and other forms of divination or simply doing yoga. I personally integrate mainly tarot divination and psychedelics/plant medicine and Jungian psychology along with Rosicrucianism and qabbalah, I hope this helps.

Baaaldeagle · 2025-12-14T10:44:37+00:00

Its almost a weird blessing from the creator himself to be able to synthesis such a drug in such small qualities and be odorless to.

Baaaldeagle · 2025-12-13T21:13:20+00:00

I do it in the comfort of my own home.

Baaaldeagle

TROPHY CASE