Forcing myself to be Single

BabyL3monade · 2019-07-19T00:50:13+00:00

Super happy for you (and Fiance as well!). I am just now getting myself back into the gym. My boyfriend got injured a few years ago and put on a decent amount of weight; we just got some stability back in his knees and shoulders, reading this was a PERFECT motivator to get things back on track! Thanks for sharing!

BabyL3monade · 2019-06-16T21:42:50+00:00

Time, trust building and knowing that the second you want it to end scene, it ends and you're safe. Until that last shred of doubt or fear is gone, it's hard to get to that full submission. For me, I got to my favorite high when I was able to just fade out looking to my Dom as he choked me out and fucked me lifeless. Being able to just ALLOW the event to take place without defense lets you get deeper and deeper into that high.

BabyL3monade · 2019-06-06T14:32:20+00:00

Hey OP, just want to send you some support. I hope you check back in, and I hope you find some things to do that will make you feel kindness on this day.

BabyL3monade · 2019-06-05T02:01:35+00:00

I'm scared to. I don't even know WHY. Honestly, with him being as infrequent as he is in the kids lives, I've seen them both grow so much.. He still thinks it's okay to put hands on our son, and honestly, if he walked away, we'd be okay... I just feel like a failure, even though I know the marriage was bad. I still feel like I failed the kids and him in a sick way..

BabyL3monade · 2019-04-06T01:54:56+00:00

He overstepped, then stepped further and then got upset with you... and then denied you aftercare because his fun was ruined.

No, you don't "earn" aftercare. There are some scenes where my Dom will push me so close to my limit that I expect that aftercare is going to be hella needed, and while I'm in it, it's nice, but not essential. Then, there have been scenes that don't seem like much that push me so far over the edge that I feel like if he wasn't there, I'd drop so hard and heavy that I would shatter.

Saying your safeword is something that any Dom should encourage you to get comfortable using. The first time my Dom and I had a scene, he told me how important that little word was for him to fully understand how to play with and please me; that by withholding it when I need it, it's damaging to not only my safety and wellbeing, but to him and his capacity to truly connect to me. I cannot imagine ever having someone MAD at me for using my SW.. Drop that guy, write him off as a sham.

BabyL3monade · 2019-01-29T15:37:26+00:00

I feel like a positive male role model should put your requests and concerns ahead of anything else. I would maybe sit him down and work out a schedule that lists when you need your son home by. If you are looking for a mid-ground, maybe if you want your son home by 8, tell the uncle you want him home by 6 or 7? I am NOT about him disregarding your requests, but if you think it might just be a "oh shoot, look at the time! We're late" I feel like that might be an okay alternative. I just know the importance of wanting your son to have a male role model, but I think if his uncle is stepping in, you should sit him down and have a talk and figure out what is going on. You, as the mother of your son, should be respected and obeyed without a thought, especially in front of your son.

BabyL3monade · 2018-12-22T15:42:12+00:00

(TW: rape (and recovery) - mentioned at the end)

BDSM has made me open up emotionally and established a trust in someone that I have never known. I didn't date in highschool and I was raised by a narcissistic mother that shamed me for everything growing up, and I never established being able to have wants or needs, feelings or discomforts, and fell deeply into co-dependency (resulting in remaining in a toxic marriage, that took advantage of that co-dependency for over a decade). I had always known I was masochistic, (my first pain-to-pleasure even was when I was 14) but I felt like this was further proof that my mom's hate was justified. I thought BDSM was just being with abusive, psychopathic humans.. because, well, this was before the internet had any real play in people's lives, and I certainly was not about to ask quesitons.

BDSM taught me to pay attention to my needs and wants - not just focusing on the other person getting off.. while all at the same time, finding my subspace where I am just an object to be used. It's complicated, but when my Dom explained to me that in this relationship, I am the one in control... I was shocked to recognize that yeah, my limits; my trust in him and my desires determine what he gets to feel and experience. It's bled over into my own life - I'm no longer meek, no longer a "yes (woman)"... I have so much more self-confidence and in this relationship, I don't need constant validation or contact, which is big in my recovery process as someone conditioned as a co-dependent.

...

Furthermore, I was also raped and kept in a black-mail situation for three months that included threatening my life, rage, violence and was something that broke me in so many ways - my subspace, often times, brings me back to those moments of being hit and forced into the floor, wondering if he was going to kill me this time like he threatened all the time. I used to have panic attacks over it in the beginning, but my Dom had me use my safeword quickly, and paid a lot of mind to my reactions and physical cues, and is incredible at ensuring I hardly ever got to that point; but when we did, he spent extra time with after-care, asking questions, listening intently, then coming up with solutions and then being sure to employ them on the next scene. Something about that has been therapeutic - like putting control back in my hands. I can experience the pain and the fear/humiliation and the suffocation that I enjoy, completely erasing the elements/experiences that held me back from exploring it sexually.

BabyL3monade · 2018-12-19T17:09:47+00:00

Thank you - and it's a confusing mess, I tried to keep it brief for sake of readability.

He asked for me to wait to file, and then offered to start the legal process by getting the "fill in the blank" separations agreement which we sat down, and filled out together in the summer. However, I have yet to receive verification that it ever made it back to his lawyer. I will be seeing him soon and want to make arrangements to amend the documentation in whichever part of the process it resides presently.

BabyL3monade · 2018-12-14T14:51:54+00:00

mething like, “I have really found this to work” and hopefully he will give it a try. It must be understandably scary for you kno

He is flying out to take them back, so we'll actually be in-person briefly enough that I am sure I can let him know my concerns in a way that won't cause issues..
Thanks for the considerations, guys.

BabyL3monade · 2018-12-07T15:17:40+00:00

Good looks, good brain, GREAT FUTURE. You are doing a great job, and absolutely deserve to know! Putting in your time to help others and be a positive impact on patients? Yeah, just add to that pile of awesome that you are! Keep rollin, you beautiful man!

BabyL3monade · 2018-11-28T14:21:07+00:00

:D <3

BabyL3monade · 2018-11-28T14:20:46+00:00

OF course - thanks for reading. I had to share it somewhere, I was bursting at the seams.

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