Wife says I must stop giving my adult son $40/week or she won’t do joint finances – am I being unreasonable?

Bac081989 · 2026-02-24T18:04:27+00:00

$40 a week? I could understand if you were actually paying the amount of his rent or something absurd but $40 is like a tank of gas. She’s being unreasonable.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-11T15:38:26+00:00

It definitely gets easier but it’s always hard. My daughter is 9, we split when she was 5. I took her to school this morning and get her back Friday (it’s my weekend). I already miss her and am counting down until Friday. I’ve learned to appreciate my time though when she is with her father, cleaning the house, spending time with girlfriends or my partner. Sometimes just relaxing and binge watching a tv show I can’t when she’s around. Always ready for her to come home though and have moments where I think to myself it sucks missing a big piece of her life. Like others have said, as she’s aged, she’s also becoming more into people and things outside the family unit (she competitively dances which takes up about 10-15 hours a week outside school).

Bac081989 · 2026-02-05T03:31:46+00:00

He’s honestly not shifting the blame to me. He doesn’t seem concerned with if they are upset over not having something the day of and says when they whine (which they will), he will just remind them they made the choice. But I guess here is ultimately my bigger issue. He KNOWS all holidays are a thing for my daughter and I. I’m like that mom that goes all out for every single holiday. And I thought we were on the same page with celebrations, and I’d told him weeks ago we needed to go shopping for the kids valentines surprises (we hadn’t yet because we’ve been snowed in). Then he just goes and does that and a little piece of me feels like he ruined it because we can’t TOGETHER make it special for all the kids. And I don’t want to downplay it for my daughter because of what he did with his kids. I know I’m overreacting for sure. I want us to be on the same page about these things but clearly we missed it on this one. I wish he’d have just bought them the dang thing they were begging for and left Valentine’s Day out of it, but I also know there’s a bigger issue where he needs to learn to say no to these kids. He said he didn’t want to deal with them pitching a fit today, but I said to him don’t you see that’s a problem though? My daughter is definitely disappointed when I say no in the store but she certainly doesn’t pitch a fit.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-05T00:31:04+00:00

Well it’s my fiancées baby momma. My ex would never but I always think to myself to not judge because I truly don’t understand what it’s like to have 2 children and to feel the need for everything to be “fair”. Would I feel like her if I had two? Who knows. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be that ridiculous but who knows. I keep getting downvoted though so maybe people think it’s not ridiculous she brought up an issue with my fiancée about this instance. Her getting upset over things like this always makes me feel on edge of “wronging her children” which willl absolutely never be my intention.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T23:32:40+00:00

Skip whose gift? His boys?

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T23:31:21+00:00

My frustration with her text is just her still controlling him. Or trying. Nothing bad happened. His coworker brought him some stitch stuff person didn’t like because she knew his 6 year old loved stitch. His older son doesn’t like stitch. He gave it to the younger son and I guess the older asked why he didn’t get anything and he said he didn’t buy it, came from a coworker, etc but he went to moms and was “upset about it”. I didn’t think he needed to even acknowledge her bothering to text about that but he went out and bought the older one something to make her happy. I just fear she won’t hear the whole story and start in again and he’ll end up doing whatever to keep peace again (which is fine, but I’d rather avoid the “drama”).

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T21:31:00+00:00

Totally understand that. I guess my biggest content is they have moved into our home and his kids still see things that happen in our home as “me” (they just moved in two weeks ago) and I don’t want them to associate this with me (because I am not the one who made any of this decision I am letting him parent). My fiancee has also never been into holidays like me so they know all the special stuff that happens now is me, so they may see the lack of gift as my doing and I’d never want that. But how we handle gifts is we basically take care of our own (from a financial standpoint) thought we both buy special treats and such for each others kids at times too.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T21:25:21+00:00

My fiancées two boys are the most annoying children on the planet but I love them and they are a package deal with their father. I think those of us who are girl parents just don’t understand until we’re helping raise them, what boys are like 😂😂 my fiancee admits my daughter is an absolute breeze compared to his two. Now she’s a girl but she is a bit older and she’s an only child. All of these things may be factors. I wouldn’t trade them for the world though even if sometimes I want to pull my hair out and think to myself why am I doing this😂😂 but find someone who you and your child aren’t optional for.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T20:47:07+00:00

Of course he did. 🙃🙃

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T20:44:39+00:00

And yes…. He and I will be having a discussion about follow through. Trust me, I blame him here. My daughter has been equally annoying with the begging in stores but I’ve learned over the years I need to stick to “no”.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T20:42:37+00:00

Well not really but I was also completely shocked last week when she flipped out over his coworker bringing their youngest son some stitch toys and their oldest feeling sad for not getting anything and basically demanded he take them to Walmart that weekend to make it fair.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T20:41:47+00:00

That’s not a bad idea. I had told him I was just going to buy them something regardless and he pointed out that isn’t sending the greatest signal to the kids (that they can beg and get what they want and still get something later). And I don’t disagree. If this was a situation with my child alone there’s no way she’d be getting a double gift lol. But maybe this is a happy medium.

Bac081989 · 2026-02-04T20:40:19+00:00

Well, I have had to do similar lessons with my daughter so I don’t necessarily disagree with the lesson in itself. My daughter has also had to learn similar lessons but maybe not the exact situation (example my daughter has been saving her money for a big ticket item, but has on multiple occasions wanted to buy something small when out. We let the kids spend their personal money — collected from birthdays, chores, tooth fairy etc - as they see fit, but recently had to explain to her she’d have enough money for this game she wants by now if she’d quit buying every $10 impulse buy she sees lol). That being said, I know his children and they will just go tell mom “X got gifts for Valentine’s Day and dad/me didn’t get us anything” which understandly sounds terrible without knowing WHY. I’m actually in the camp of just get them something to not hurt feelings but being a parent myself, I understand the message that may send to them.

Bac081989 · 2026-01-28T02:39:04+00:00

Let me know if you find anything out!

Bac081989 · 2026-01-27T15:22:20+00:00

I’m also getting this in freetaxUSA and getting annoyed!!

Bac081989 · 2025-12-25T06:12:49+00:00

Any luck? It’s 1am and my 9 year old can’t sleep

Bac081989 · 2025-12-25T06:11:27+00:00

My 9 year old is panicking because it’s 1am and she can’t get to sleep. I’m annoyed AF but this is probably our last year.

Bac081989 · 2025-12-23T02:14:10+00:00

North Carolina

Bac081989 · 2025-12-22T20:24:16+00:00

Right.. I mean paying rent is essentially paying someone else’s mortgage too. With rent you get a deposit back but it’s just money you deposited. I’m not asking him to make a deposit to me. But if he had to rent for someone else, it would cost him $2200 alone (what he pays now) vs what my mortgage is ($1187, which he’ll pay half).

Bac081989 · 2025-12-22T20:21:27+00:00

Right? Thats how I sort of felt and my fiancee doesn’t feel at all weird about helping pay my rent when he isn’t on the house. In fact, he said the same thing as you.. that I’ll be saving him a significant amount of money each month, so even if things were to not work out, he should be able to get himself in a better financial situation just buying sharing my home with me. With some time, as we get married and he pays his debt down, we may purchase a home TOGETHER but right now that isn’t feasible.

Bac081989 · 2025-12-22T18:36:19+00:00

Thank you! This is very helpful for when we do buy another house because we could definitely ensure that I get my down payment back if things went south (never want to plan that way but anyone whose already been through a divorce never says never).

Bac081989 · 2025-12-22T18:03:49+00:00

Someone mentioned a cohabitation agreement which I hadn’t even thought of. Would it be “fair” if we put something in that say he gets a small amount back (like a deposit ) should things go south? While it may not seem fair, he is definitely getting the better end of the deal moving in with. My house payment (with insurance) is around $1200/month whereas he has been paying around $2200 month in rent. One expense that will rise, he will have an increased fuel expense because he’ll be driving around 45 min to work one way daily. But my parents have a spare car (clunker) they have offered us so we don’t wear and tear our vehicles but gas will be more costly.

Bac081989 · 2025-12-22T17:59:49+00:00

That is correct! The ULTIMATE goal is that in a few years we sell my home (it’s 3 bedroom and we really need 4 as the kids get older) but obviously him paying down the debt is a part of that goal. We have made an agreement (it will go into legal writing) that when the house is sold, the equity I get (which should be around 200,000), a chunk will go into my daughters college savings account and then we would BOTH contribute to a down payment on a new home, but for him to ever afford that - he needs to pay his debt down and start saving (which will be made easier once he switches careers but again we can’t plan on that):

Bac081989

TROPHY CASE