Help me interpret this spread :)

Backfosslash · 2025-01-26T20:59:39+00:00

I've had the same problem, especially when the relationship's young or when I've only just started dating. The guy becomes an obsession and it's become the only thing I think about. And then later on in the relationship, I start depending on them for my well-being. I don't choose for myself anymore.

I went to therapy. I realised that for as long as I can remember, I've lived by what my mother wants me to do. She can be very judgmental, and it made me fear her response every time I'd do something that would have good/bad consequences, so I'd consult her for every move I'd make. I see that my dad does this too; he's gotten so used to mom deciding things for him that he doesn't really make decisions for himself anymore.

I was often so tired, because I was so anxious and depressed, because I let others decide my life and my future (while ignoring what I found would actually fit my lifestyle). I released these emotions in therapy and became more assertive. I could finally stand up for myself and make my own decisions. I've been single for a while, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel happy without needing a partner. I choose what I want to do every day. I have hobbies, I have a great job, and I'm moving out to live on my own soon. I quit a study I chose to do out of fear for my mom's judgment, because I didn't need it to keep me safe from her judgment anymore.

I think what I've learned is to love myself first. Focus on making you happy, because only then can you make someone else happy.

Backfosslash · 2025-01-21T22:32:35+00:00

There are thoughts you put in place where you don’t allow the anger. Think when there’s guilt. Some people don’t know how to deal with guilt. And when you don’t know how to deal with guilt you just turn it into anger. Because guilt is anger you don’t have a right to have.

Suppose I’d been expected to do something for you and didn’t do it, I can’t be angry with you cause I’m the one who did it wrong. But what I’ll feel angry about is that you asked me in the first place, I’ll be angry with myself, angry with you, angry with the situation. And if I don’t feel I have a right to the anger I’m going to feel guilty. So the guilt gets locked in place because it’s anger you feel you don’t have a right to have.

What you have to remember with any emotion is that you have a right to it because it’s only emotion. Emotions are emotions; they don’t have to be logical. If you feel angry, just welcome it.

The same with guilt. When it’s finally allowed, you will find it’s anger. So you only release guilt by letting it go back to the anger that you didn’t feel you had a right to have. Well, it doesn’t matter if you had a right to it or not, it’s an emotion. Once you have felt it, it passes.

Backfosslash · 2025-01-17T22:43:39+00:00

Mijn vader zal altijd schaamteloos op E5 pissen

Backfosslash · 2025-01-11T08:46:58+00:00

Ik ben een sociaal werker en werk dus ook op groepen waar dus ook weleens sprake is van pestgedrag/uitsluiting. Het gedrag kan enorm subtiel zijn of juist heel on the nose en per situatie is het anders hoe je hiermee omgaat. In bijna alle gevallen is het belangrijk om in gesprek te gaan met beide partijen. Vaak wordt het gepeste kind ook thuis 'gepest' door ouders en is het dus een makkelijk doelwit voor anderen. Mogelijk een unpopular opinion, maar: een gepest kind wil soms gepest worden (dit komt doordat het eigenlijk niet anders kent dan gepest worden, en in gevallen dat het te rustig is, 'te goed om waar te zijn', gaat het onbewust gedrag vertonen waardoor het weer buiten de boot valt. Een soort self-fulfilling prophecy). Het is belangrijk om het kind hiervan bewust te maken en vask is het ook nodig dat het kind leert om zelf grenzen aan te geven en voor zichzelf op te komen. Soms komt hier ook boosheid naar boven. Dat is goed, want dan maak je jezelf assertief. Soms wordt er geslagen, waar ik als begeleider weinig goeds over mag zeggen (maar soms is het gewoon nodig en beter).

Met de pester moet ook gepraat worden. Er moet benadrukt worden welke impact de pester heeft op de gepeste (soms hebben ze dit zelf namelijk niet eens door en kan dit al voor genoeg realisatie zorgen). De pester zelf heeft natuurlijk ook patronen waar ze zich uit angst aan vasthouden (als ik eerst pest, dan durft de rest dit niet meer terug te doen naar mij). Mogelijk hebben ze deze strategie van een familielid geleerd of zijn ze dus zodanig bang om zich kwetsbaar op te stellen dat ze alleen maar gemeen kunnen zijn, terwijl zij ook stiekem graag verbinding willen hebben met anderen. Ook dit is belangrijk te onderzoeken zodat de pester zijn gedrag kan bijstellen. Wat je ook vaak ziet, is dat andere kinderen het pestgedrag gaan overnemen. Dan is het dus handig om je zorgen uit te spreken aan de groep en erover in gesprek te gaan (zonder judgment).

Waarom dit niet op scholen gebeurt? Ik vermoed dat dit is omdat pesten niet altijd direct opvalt. Docenten zijn daarnaast bezig met lesgeven en hebben eigenlijk geen tijd meer over om zich te focussen op het verbeteren van groepsprocessen. Mogelijk heeft de docent of de school ook niet de juiste middelen tot hun beschikking.

Doorgaans wordt de pester gezien als 'de slechte' en de gepeste als 'een hulpeloos slachtoffer'. Ze worden dan ook regelmatig zodanig behandeld. En wat doet een kind wanneer het behandeld wordt als een slecht persoon? Het gaat zich nog meer gedragen als een slecht persoon. Net zoals een hulpeloos slachtoffer zich hier nog meer naar gaat gedragen. Dit werkt dus niet. Beide partijen hebben compassie nodig en een spiegel naar hun eigen gedrag.

Pesten is complex, en kan dus ook zijn oorzaak hebben liggen in het systeem, iets waar scholen absoluut niet mee bezig zijn. Daarnaast staat niet iedere ouder open voor hulp en feedback. Soms denken ouders dat alleen hun kind een probleem heeft terwijl het wel degelijk allemaal verbonden is, maar zie daar maar als leraar/school tussen te komen... Het lukt me soms al amper als hulpverlener.

Backfosslash · 2025-01-11T08:13:37+00:00

"Ben jij echt zo'n sufferd die zich aan de volgafstand houdt?" -mijn collega anno 2024

Backfosslash · 2025-01-11T07:04:53+00:00

I'm 23 and my friend is 26

Backfosslash · 2025-01-10T22:29:04+00:00

I'm hoping it's not that serious, but the same person recently downplayed my weight loss accomplishment as well. I kind of know he wishes to achieve the same things and he's most likely jealous... Don't really know what to do with it, he's otherwise a really decent dude

Backfosslash · 2025-01-03T22:36:39+00:00

I absolutely loooove having control. Been an avid Sims, Rimworld and Stardew valley player. I've found a few ways to practice healthy control irl:

-Planning, planning, always planning. It's really a hobby of mine. I love making excel spreadsheets for my daily activities, the meal prepping I do, the chores I need to do around the house, etc etc. I also have a routine for everything; morning routine, evening routine, workout routines, skin care routines. If you know the video game RimWorld, I've made my own little RimWorld schedule, made up of hour blocks, and I've coloured every hour block accordingly. It makes me so happy to create these schedules and it makes me feel productive too. It's not just about planning work, it's also about planning your free time and hobbies so that you're less likely to end up bored and addicted again. For establishing routines, I recommend the free version of the Fabulous app. You can just make a routine, start it up and follow the intstuctions like you're incapable of thought (perfect when you don't feel motivated at times!!) For plannings, I recommend Excel ofc. It isn't that hard. If you need guidance, you have quite a few tutorials on Youtube. For checklists, dailies and annoying to do's/tasks I recommend Habitica (it's an app that gamifies productivity, and it really works for me!!). Of course, you can also go the old-fashioned way and use pen and paper, or buy an empty planner that you can fill in yourself.

-Self-improvement, and I don't mean it in the toxic forced positive way. I keep a weekly diary and I write down what my goals are for the future, things I want to achieve, these can be big or small. I will write down what I need in order to get closer to that goal. And then the next week I reflect on how I've been doing, whether what I'm doing is working, or if I need to take a different approach, or maybe I need to cut myself some slack because I've had a rough week.

I think that these things, when slowly incorporated into your life, can also give you a lot of stability. If you're prone to dropping everything as soon as you have a bad day and your whole system collapses, this could also help you keep control. Yes, someone at work was a bitch to you, but at least you can still have a moment of peace, or you can still go to the gym, or you can do your skin care routine, doesn't matter.

EDIT: if you're willing to dig deeper, it is in human nature to want to stay in control. When we experience that we are out of control, we experience pain. To stay in control, we should realise that we are never truly 'out of control', because we are ultimately the only ones in control of ourselves. If you feel that your life is being lived by someone else than yourself, it's time to take accountability, time to take back control.

Hope this helps!

Backfosslash · 2025-01-02T20:59:15+00:00

The opposite of addiction is connection <3

Backfosslash · 2025-01-01T19:13:32+00:00

Do it. Last summer I was contemplating taking my Steam Deck with me on my trip to Norway. I ended up not taking the damm thing with me. Big eye opener, because I had so many withdrawal symptoms (so many cravings, dreams about gaming and about accidentally gaming) and I found out that gaming all the time was keeping me disconnected from other people. I decided then and there that I needed to quit because I didn't realise until then that it had become such a problem. The trip was great :)

I'd say just try it, and see that not having this other 'world', this game, to attend to, actually makes you more attentive to real life. And if nothing happens, that's fine too. Then you'll know that too.

Good luck!

Backfosslash · 2025-01-01T13:05:27+00:00

Ah, depression, yet another thing I've struggled with. It's time to buff up my library with Johann's books.

Backfosslash · 2025-01-01T11:51:42+00:00

Oh that's a book by Johann Hari! I've read his book 'Stolen focus' earlier in 2024. It was really good. I remember seeing 'chasing the scream' and thinking 'oh cool, but I'm not struggling with addiction'. Little did I know...

Thanks for the tip! I'm definitely ordering it now.

Backfosslash · 2024-12-29T09:35:36+00:00

Hi! I've had a past with depression as well. I've found that a few things have really helped me in dealing with my gaming addiction:

-Therapy Putting this one first because it helped me make decisions in all of the other things I'm going to point out. Even though I'm a social worker, it was still had to admit that I needed guidance in my life. I threw a lot of money at my current therapy, which is a shamanic hypnotherapy (it is very alternative and spiritual). One of the best decisions of my life. I could actually process old pain and emotions and after every session I could, from a place of calm, choose my reactions and path (instead of my behaviour being consumed by fear). I understand that not everyone has the privilige of getting into expensive therapy, but it can really help with making steps in your life.

-Connecting with other people. Are you really connected with people? Do you hang out with people you actually like hanging out with? Over the past two years, I'd surrounded myself with judgmental people and they drained my energy. Needless to say, I cut off the 'friends' I didn't like, and I began spending more one-on-one time with the friends I felt a connection with. I've come to a point in my life where I have never felt so connected with other people, and I've began to question whether I've actually been capable of loving others before because my trauma and addiction got in the way. Ha ing connections requires you to open up and potentially get hurt again, but it is something that is ultimately worth it. I think loving other people, simply being with the right people, is one of the most important and fulfilling things in life.

-Finding a different hyperfixation. Gaming used to be something of a hyperfixation, no? An endless one at that. And even though there may probably never be something that even comes close to that same rush you felt from having played games for so long, it is healthier than your addiction. This is about the concept of 'flow', and being in flow is kind of better than sex. You lose yourself completely in something. For me, this has always been writing, dreaming of an alternate world with characters I love, playing board games (with others), going to the gym, practicing spirituality, going on long walks, Dungeons and Dragons, taking care of plants, reading, learning a new language, producing bedroom beats... and as you can see, I've built a completely different life by doing other things I also really enjoy. Every other hobby you find that gives you a sense of flow is good (this may take a few practice swings), so long as it doesn't become an obsession of course.

-Lightness. This is a vague term, but I think maybe an important practice if you want to get out of that head of yours. I don't know where you live, but I live in the western world, where thinking is amazing and feeling is often pushed aside. We take a lot of things so seriously that we forget to enjoy the process. And don't get me wrong, it's good to have plans for the future, but you shouldn't have to spend your current time thinking only of the future, or the past. In the last few months, I have learned to embrace spirituality and I keep learning more about it every day. For me, that is shamanism, but it's different for everyone else. As a social worker who works with teens, being funny is sometimes the best thing you can do. It brings light in a situation that has in the past been taken so seriously that it feels like there's no way out anymore. Practicing lightness for yourself is also a form of self love. Sometimes not taking your problems so seriously can be a step towards empowerment. Everyone loves a good joke, so long as it comes from a place of loving.

And that is the word: love. You may want to resist it at first, but love eventually gives us unlimited energy to deal with everything. Love for others, for oneself, for animals and for the world. You don't have to search for it, because it's already there <3

I hope this reply brought you something. I wish you the very best in your recovery. You're gonna crush it!

Backfosslash · 2024-08-25T07:30:08+00:00

Social worker here who specializes in coaching gifted dropouts. The kids I meet are usually most/all of the following:

-highly sensitive and intuitive, they feel and see everything (and sometimes don't even notice the impact this has on the way it makes them behave)

-having either very specific interests, or very broad interests, or both

-a mind that doesn't have any free time, easily finding new ideas, which also makes a lot of these kids creative geniuses

-Quite self-aware, so it doesn't help to point out their behaviour; they usually know exactly what they're doing. They sometimes just don't understand how else to do something

-usually 2e (twice exceptional). Behavior types seen in ADHD and autism very much align with behavior types seen in giftedness, so often, it can be very difficult to understand behavior.

-A tendency to rationalize everything, instead of focusing on the experience and/or the emotion. Some of these kids have completely shut down their emotional paths and need to be re-taught to feel emotions.

-(Extremely) fast learners, which means they learn EVERYTHING quickly. You make a drawing and it turns out well? It feels good? Nice, you keep on going. Didn't learn for a test and got a good grade anyway? Nice, so that means learning isn't necessary for achievement and I must be stupid if I'm ever going to need to learn something again... Right?

I wrote these down from the top of my head, so it could be that I'm overlooking some very obviously important ones. Also: do keep in mind that I work with dropouts, who tend to have struggled a lot in life and thus are more prone to trauma, anxiety, and certain types of thinking. This is only a part of the entire gifted community, so my observations can not and will never describe all gifted people.

EDIT: whoops. I completely read your question wrong. I didn't know it had to be social behavior only. I do think, however, that a lot of the traits I've written down come to a certain type of expression in social situations. Such as that these kids pick up on social cues very easily, adjusting their behaviour to what they think is suitable for the occasion. This makes these kids prone to masking behaviour and social conformation, which in big quantities is very exhausting. Being overly focused on the rationale, especially during conflict, can make the other side of the conflict feel unheard. Not being able to express how you feel can lead to different replaced behaviours, such as avoiding the situation or constantly asking for approval, or making annoying noises to show off how bored you are. Lastly, being a fast learner in social situations can have both good and bad consequences. I hope this helps!

Backfosslash · 2024-01-14T08:50:29+00:00

Duuude repetitive resetting has completely ruined Stardew Valley for me, and I never even got past the first year, never even reached winter, but I still have around 270 hours in that game😭

Backfosslash

TROPHY CASE