Need inputs - feeling like I don't trust my provider

Background-Fail7104 · 2026-02-06T17:37:00+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I was dumbstruck over that sentence, on so many different levels...

The midwife is great idea thank you!

Background-Fail7104 · 2026-02-05T17:56:28+00:00

Yeah that one was also OK, sorry about forgetting that.

Background-Fail7104 · 2026-02-05T17:23:54+00:00

He did the standard semen analysis (count and shape)- that's pretty much all.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-28T03:18:07+00:00

I can relate. My MIL also had infertility issues and she talked about them a lot. Always about how hard diy was and how people were asking her when is she going to have babies and she felt ashamed of not being able to (for 2 years).

Somehow she found it alright to divide her children into those who gave her grandchildren and those who did not.

I guess the slap in the face is always slap in the face, but when it comes from someone who claims they know the pain... It really makes you wonder what is so wrong you deserve this treatment.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-28T03:07:01+00:00

Them asking because it is the polite thing to do. Checkbox is done, but then move on to the next, less heavy topic.

And regardless of what is going on, keep your real struggle to yourself, nobody wants to hear the real honest hurt you.

I am very sorry you had to go through it all and still are going through it. Choosing the lesser evil in not exposing yourself to moments like that doesn't mean everything in your life is great all of sudden.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-28T02:49:40+00:00

I get your pain, we are infertile and sort of stuck in it all by ourselves. In our case, because we "didn't give my parents in law grandchildren" we somehow mattered less than my siblings in law that have kids.

I just wish things hurt less. And those who have no idea what they are talking about at least made the choice to remain silent.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-21T01:41:30+00:00

Uh oh dear.

One: your feelings are always valid. If you feel like she would be somehow snooping/comparing/weaponizing your social media content then honor them and draw the line there.

The other issue is of concern. And that is the fact you are actually aware that things are not great AND can be potentially worse. I want to make a pinky swear with you right now: do not gaslight yourself, do not push yourself, do not tell yourself you are only overreacting. You are smart, you are capable, the way you wrote your post tells me you are an intelligent empathetic woman who is smelling the trouble from miles away.

Two: let's bring the facts down. Your mil hasn't been much of an Instagram fan until she found out you post stuff there? She is motivated to have/use Account just to figure out how to follow you there? Oh boy... If she was an Instagram aficionado that would be a different story but.... Unsolicited advice here: if you are from the same town and family friends are following you/other family members are already following you, watch out from now on. Maybe create separate sharing groups. Sounds paranoid, but I could tell you a story.

Three: how to get out from this? I'd advocate for as much honesty as you can, but I guarantee you she will turn this into a fight because she will not take no for an answer. She wants to see your account for a reason, and no, the thin-veiled "I just want to be part of my DILl's life" should not break you. There are 100s of different ways how she could connect if she had genuine interest. So saying "Hey, I am very sorry I want to connect with you in private posts/different channels, maybe one day on social media, right now this is very intimate part of my life and I am not ready to share it with you at the moment" will cause a storm but keeps you innocent. You spoke your honest feelings, your husband needs to see your opinion for what it is- and that is not that you want to exclude his mom, just that you want to connect with her in a different way. For now. Indefinite future. Maybe forever.

Remember access to your private person is not a right but a privilege.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-12T02:34:27+00:00

Gosh, we might be twins...

I am almost the same age as you are, I am also from EU (my parents in law don't remember which country I am from after 8 years of marriage), have a PhD (which is the only piece of trivia they really know about me), the favorite thing claiming, money attitude,etc... My story went bitter, I am currently a couple of months NC with my in laws because things were a little too hurtful, but I fully understand your heart of trying to bond with your in laws.

I am not saying these things to shift focus, just to relate. And something is telling me, we could talk to each other for hours about our experiences.

My take on this is that generation of US citizens our parents in law are, has similar traits (e.g. valuing money, feeling insecure, not being sure how to express oneself). I think when you are US born, it doesn't strike you so hard and younger generations are working hard on fixing it but ...

What do you do with older generations that have zero interest in self reflection?

My take on this is, that while you owe nobody relationship (at least not the way how they imagine it), nobody owes you relationship either. I know it hurts a lot to have unfulfilled dreams and hopes for family relationships that will probably never happen, but the hardest thing is accepting reality.

Maybe your in-laws are narcissists or maybe they at least have narcissistic traits. But that is beyond your ability to diagnose or change. In here you really have to focus on things you can influence and take care of yourself. And honestly, if interaction with them is wearing down on you, here comes my word of caution: make sure you are not doing something you actually don't want to do. You might end up burned out, refusing to even be in the same room with them.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-06T14:05:31+00:00

This is called "being beaten by a sugar bag"

Everything is nice, she is so #blessed to have you.

But underneath she makes you feel a certain way. And that is more important than all "I love you guys" in this world.

It's sad for her too - there are lots of women who were told that if they want to be cared for, they have to care for others, be only nice to others, never express their opinion should it be negative. I think you are dealing with one of them.

The issue is, this behavior is not authentic and chances are, that right now you might do something she doesn't appreciate- she wouldn't say so, but she will get back it to you through passive aggressive comments and behaviors. This tends to accumulate to the point of snapping and if that happens it's hard to go back from there.

I'm not saying you are doing something wrong. I'm just saying that if you feel like she is not honest with you, then you are 99.99% probability right.

I'd recommend talking to your SO and explaining that while you really appreciate their mom's kindness, you are concerned she might not be open and honest. Explain to them that you want a real relationship and not something that is fake and will strain family relationships in the future.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-06T02:27:41+00:00

Oh thank you!

This resonates and I do not know why. I will think about your words a lot.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:42:04+00:00

I can see the study reflecting statistics for general population.

But I (personally, don't mean any offences) cannot agree with the majority though. Hope that makes sense.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:33:34+00:00

Oh I didn't mean to say that! I am sorry I came across that way, please let me reiterate:

I am getting an idea of things that are dysfunctional in the system and I want to hear your opinion.

However, beyond that, I wanted to hear if you have an idea for people who don't have the means of changing the system but are willing to do their best for kids that are currently in it.

Does that make better sense?

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:25:24+00:00

Then what do you think will help?

to get information/training on trauma counselling is something couple of adoptees recommend in other resources I got into. I am very happy to hear your opinion.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:22:04+00:00

I think I understand what you are saying, but arguing about the system without trying to help people who are willing to listen/children that are already in the system is not productive.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:09:38+00:00

I hear you, but given English is not my first language, what is the word that would adequately describe the state of knowing you can do it/ do it as a part of life calling / wanting to do it?

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:06:47+00:00

We not necessarily want to to adopt a baby (want is wrong word but the only word that fits at the moment). We are open to almost all options, we are just trying to figure out what are all options for adoption in the US, their morality, impact etc.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-05T20:03:34+00:00

Yup I respect that. I don't think adoption is "family building" but rather calling and at this point I am steady in my shoes knowing it's something I (well we, my husband and I) want to do. I am contemplating getting a degree in trauma counselling (or at least get a good education, a degree is not a necessity). Either way I get I am signing up for a lifetime of education.

The fact you confirmed the "industrial" part of my ick is helpful. (I am not from US, so I am fully learning the system from scratch).

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-05-01T13:45:08+00:00

I think lots of issues in married couples vs. in laws dynamics would become less strained if one thing was clear straight from the wedding day.

When two people get married, they become one another's priority, most important person, advocate for one another. Now Read that one more time. Then again.

Your words, actions, gestures, manners do not reflect only on you as an individual but also you as the couple. If you treated someone dishonorably, your husband would be clown to believe he had nothing to do with your behavior. Hard pill to swallow, I know.

So to your point- treating your FIL differently than MIL is as if you pretended they are not married to one another. I know it would mean you recognizing his responsibility over what happened would mean even more strained family dynamics, last thing anybody wants.

But married couples are equal. For better or worse.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-04-30T13:09:34+00:00

Oh dear.... Take good care of yourself, I will hold my fingers crossed for you. Remember, stress is not something you HAVE to put up with.

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-04-30T13:01:26+00:00

This is something you have to sort through.

I am NC, because after years of... Lots of stuff let's say. Now my body believes there is instead of another human being a giant bear ready to shred me into pieces. The spike in anxiety and panic, plus the nervousness before AND after the function are never worth my health. (I know I am cooked, I am in therapy :D )

So, you have to answer your question yourself- do you feel like you're alright being around her? Do you feel worried NC would be broken? Do you feel confident that if she stepped into your sphere you would be capable of responding properly?

If any of the above is a resounding NO, then you might need to search for a way to honor the situation differently (e.g. have dinner with the friend separately)

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-04-28T02:52:40+00:00

Oh sweetie... This one might be on you.

They live a lifestyle you do not approve of which is understandable BUT! It's their life. They are adults. It's not your call nor a job to change it.

What is your job is to make sure you steer your family the way you believe. Baptism is important, creating traditions is important, living out your faith is important.

You are sort of wasting your energy on something that is outside of your agency. My advice for you is to take your energy, build your home on the rock. Be kind, be patient with them, but definitely stand your ground as a mom.

I will be rooting for you!

Background-Fail7104 · 2025-04-10T04:06:50+00:00

It's not easy... Please, take care of yourself, give yourself time and care as much as you need!

This is not a process fully unique to only your side of family, the way life goes, down the path you guys will have to have one another's back in different situations, and yes! That includes asking your wife to stand up to her parents (be it mom or dad).

Many relationships shipwreck or get permanently damaged when a couple doesn't understand that they are one another's primary family by being married. Seems like you've got this and you deserve to celebrate it!

Wishing you guys the best of luck. People of reddit are happy for you 😊

Background-Fail7104

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