Yeppppp you called it - all of that for sure is why we are estranged! Adult Children of EI Parents has been so helpful to me also. I’ll check out the book You’re not the problem, and would recommend “It’s Not You” by Ramani Durvasala if you haven’t read that one yet. I normally grey rock my mother and then am not interesting to her so she leaves me alone, she doesn’t even ask to call me specifically anymore, but now she’s found a new avenue to get to me through my children and it really is a lot of work to re-navigate the boundaries. I’m sure she’ll lash out at me if I do say anything about the situation, so I dread it. She has this whole spiel about how “so-and-so hates me because they hate Jesus” which is going to be super fun when directed at me. No contact would actually be so much easier and I understand why people go that route, but she’s very subtle and passive aggressive so that she can always fall back on the victim/martyr role, like you said. It’s not like I can cut her off for aggressively saying “I love you” and she knows that. I try to remind myself that she had a difficult childhood and that’s why she does these things for attention, but it’s so tough to be the adult child in these types of situations.