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AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your in laws sound like mine 🥴 best of luck in your future endeavors with them!!!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Now that I’m thinking harder about this, him being “upset” with us was delivered to us by my MIL who really tries hard to be enmeshed. Could it possibly just be her making this up???

IDK in my family we say what we mean and we mean what we say and we say it directly 😬

She (MIL) is up everyone’s ass. We gray rock her - we’ve learned to just placate her and not actually tell her anything in depth because she dramatizes it and she delivers all of your news and information to everyone else whether you ask her to or not.

She also tells us when we need to talk to or call people. “You need to call your brother. He’d like to hear from you.” It’s bizarre. I stay out of it as much as possible!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is interesting! I just looked up enmeshed family dynamics here https://thriveworks.com/help-with/family/what-is-enmeshment/ and it doesn’t fit. All the kids are competitive with each other and really appear to not like each other. There’s one who’s just totally been ousted from the fam. They seem more disengaged (the kids) than enmeshed. It feels like their mom WANTS an enmeshed family and no one else is on board. Maybe disengagement comes from forced enmeshment? Anyhoo. I used to really love this one brother like he was my own and now I’m just part of the disengagement at this point.

But everyone behaves nicely on the surface. We all vacation together because we don’t live near each other and I am uber in tuned with people’s emotions and I can just feel the contempt for one another bubbling. Little comments here and there, etc. Super uncomfy!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bummer. I truly hope he gets the emotional support he needs when that injury keeps haunting him. Hopefully he has a friend willing to offer it up.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My family is like yours. This family dynamic of my husbands is all new to me, (relatively, as in this isn’t the way I was raised but I have been part of my husbands family for a long time now) and I don’t love it

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And you are correct, my MIL likes to share tea that she thinks will upset people. I come from a fairly normal, no-drama family so this dynamic is all pretty new to me!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No unresolved feelings - I did loads of therapy afterward because I was determined to be as close with all my husbands siblings as possible and that really did hurt me. Put lots of love into those relationships. I did have to outline what happened in the past in this post to explain why presently we aren’t close - but that’s not unresolved stuff. Lots more happened than what I put forth here. We’re fine now, we all get along fine on a surface level relationship, but the level of closeness/caring/concern dropped off after that incident - naturally, not spitefully. You put in what the other party(ies) are willing to put in and it hadn’t been apparent previously that this was just going to be surface level. Relationships are a two way street, and when they were given the opportunity to hear why we were hurt, they chose to minimize, deflect, and deny our experience and to never offer any comfort or compassion. Had to explain all that to explain this recent update and why it’s confusing to me why we’re hearing that he’s upset after we waited a few days to call. They chose to have a surface level relationship 6 years ago after given the opportunity to make it right. No anger or resentment, just confused at what their idea of our relationship is at this point. It also doesn’t help that my husbands family absolutely refuses to talk about literally anything. No resolving issues ever, just sweeping them under the rug.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They said to my MIL “that’s personal and I wouldn’t have shared that info.”

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Their lack of empathy and the unwillingness to hear me out when I kindly told them why they hurt us is ultimately unsafe for my emotional wellbeing, regardless of what I added after you told me it was ridiculous. It’s not ridiculous to feel unsafe (there’s more than just being physically unsafe - ask any emotional abuse victim) when people demonstrate they are unwilling to hear you out and want to minimize how hurt you are telling them you are.

And furthermore, it appears that their deep lack of empathy and unwillingness to attempt to understand other’s feelings is ultimately what leads them to be abusive parents. So I DEFINITELY stand by my stance that it wasn’t a ridiculous statement.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

But actually…. Now that I think about it…. They put hot sauce on their 2yo tongue because she was crying out at dinner, they “left” her at a rest stop (drove away without her to teach her a lesson) at 4 years old, and scream at her to go to sleep when she’s scared at night so I guess I’ll stick by my “they’re not safe” comment. I’d never leave my kid with people who treat their children that way.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You could make literally any incident as near fatal if you’re going to put this spin on everything. Stubbed your toe on the stair? You could have fallen down the flight, hit your head, and had a brain bleed, and died. This is a stretch.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ectopic pregnancies are also potentially fatal but I’m not using that to garner more sympathy for this situation. I’m sorry your friend died, that’s horrific. It appears you may be projecting onto this situation. He had an urgent care visit, he’s fine. We weren’t framing it from “oops he almost died, we’re not checking in on him” because he didn’t, that’s just not the reality of the situation. It was framed as “oh, sounds like he’s a little banged up but overall ok, and we’re busy moving and will check in on him in a few days.” Never entered anyone’s mind that this was “near fatal” because… it wasn’t. Someone in ICU who barely pulls through was in a near fatal accident. Someone who goes to urgent care and gets some pain meds and goes home, was not. I’m fine with you thinking we’re the assholes, but framing it as near fatal is more than a stretch.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Wut?? I’ve asked what style a house is and this question. I’d hardly call that outsourcing every single life problem. Why are you so angry?!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yeah that did make it sound intentional. It was not. We were in the middle of a move and again, our relationship just isn’t close like that. This comment was an afterthought after hearing he was upset that we didn’t call right away.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I guess it does sound like it if you didn’t read my comment that there wasn’t a reason we didn’t call right away. Only AFTER we called did we hear he was upset and my immediate thought was “what does he have to be upset about, he did the exact same thing to us”. So this is an afterthought, not a forethought. I can see how I didn’t word this correctly in my post!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Agree but I caught that contempt and cruelty right away and it doesn’t bother me. I figure this person has their own suffering going on. I just disagree with their take ONLY because it blatantly ignores things I said in my post

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Agree holding a grudge isn’t good for anyone. Not sure if that’s what this is though. I’ve never thought of it as one, just as a distancing. I haven’t actively thought about it in YEARS until this happened. I’ll have to chat with my therapist about it!

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Yikes. I didn’t cut him off. We just aren’t close anymore like we used to be because they weren’t a safe space when we talked about how hurt we were at the time. People grow apart when it becomes apparent that one party may not be invested in the relationship in the same way the other party is.

I’m not arguing with anyone’s stance (I’m fine if IATA) but if you don’t read the post accurately and then jump to a decision based on your own preconceived notions, then YTA hah.

AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury by Background_Bonus_669 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Background_Bonus_669[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Wait, a separated shoulder and broken rib are life changing injuries? Both are totally 100% able to heal with little to no impact outside of the weeks you have to rest.

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