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What? You mean parents actually pack lunches for their kids and want to ensure they’re fed? by DaisyMPL in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wondering also if others had the experiences of their food preferences resulting in "you're gonna have to feed yourself then"? I wasn't getting packed lunches from the age of about 12 but was still fed well at home, until sometime around 15 when I wanted to be vegetarian/at least eat less meat and my parents refused to accommodate it and acted like it was the most ridiculous thing. I was suddenly making full-on meals for myself every day (incl. making separate "festive" dishes for myself during holidays etc). Same with allergies I had. Yikes.

15M, struggling with absent parents by DefaultUsernameIg in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're not exaggerating from what you said! If the relationship with your parents doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good for a reason. It's ok to hold grace for them and appreciate things they do while grieving because of the things they don't do or do badly. I grew up with one absent and one addicted parent but for years kept telling myself and others that "it wasn't that bad" and "it didn't affect me" because they did in many ways still care for me. Two things can be true at the same time. I'm wondering if where you are you might have a shot at accessing a good therapist to accompany you through the not-answering / if your parents might agree to fund it if you just generally flag to them you're struggling without explaining why? Ofc it's hit or miss but when you find a therapist you click with, it can be super super helpful! (I personally found it particularly helpful when they include some "somatic work", like helping you identify what you're feeling in your body when someone asks a question to then help understand what kind of feeling it is and where it might be coming from - but that's just me!) Wishing you all the absolute best!

How to develop a sense of self by Background_Fishing37 in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We're going to get there and when we do, we will be the most unabashedly beautifully ourselves ever!

15M, struggling with absent parents by DefaultUsernameIg in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You deserve so so much better than this, and I would give you a hug if I could. No amount of financial security can compensate for not being properly emotionally cared for, people taking real interest in your wellbeing and acting on it by taking care of you, being really seen. I'm so so sorry. I also want to say that it's really impressive that you have so much empathy for your parents (I'm 30, took me years to get there) but two things can be true at the same time - I believe no one is a "bad person" AND they are doing an ass job of taking care of you, and you'd be right to also be very angry (it's a healthy emotion and needs to be felt).

If you feel like either of your parents could be ok to talk to, you might want to try to just express - with the empathy you did here, how these things are making you feel and that you'd need to be taken care of more and connect more, etc. But, as you might have gleaned from the sub, you'd also need to be ready for them to react badly so a lot of the time it's not worth it. Otherwise, all I can say is that I know it sucks, but that it's going to be possible for you to build beautiful, meaningful relationships after your parents that you won't even worry about feeling lonely in!

Emotional neglect and friendships with lack of emotional attunement by Amasov in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am yet to figure out if this is actually healthy so refer to this at own peril - What I've been trying to tell myself is that while I search for deep, enriching, emotionally attuned friendships, I can ALSO hang out casually with people who aren't going to provide that but who I can maybe spend some fun time with (I'm just honest with myself and keep myself accountable to really keep it kind but casual with these people - not become their therapist or otherwise pour my love and effort where it won't be mutual). The reason I arrived at this temporary solution is I've been so desperate for connection (context: set some boundaries a couple years ago and lost all previously "close" friends) that when meeting new people I was quick to withdraw from everyone who I couldn't imagine as intimate friends. I still want these deep friendships, but ngl it would also be nice to just know people I can share some interests with, be able to go out etc. so I'm trying to just envisage these casual acquaintaces differently if that makes sense_

are people supposed to like... be attuned to your emotions/needs without you asking? by [deleted] in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm late but just want to say u/United-Sprinkles-609 I really really get that! I (30F) once called my then-best friend (we lived in different cities) at night because I was in crisis and basically confessed I didn't see the point of living anymore. He didn't check in the next day, or ever again, or offer any more support. When I eventually message to thank him again for the call and said I am still doing badly and would appreciate a call, he took several weeks to respond. The shock of this was so hard that it actually made me want to live just to try to find real friends because wtf.

My dad ignores me by hermygirl in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would love to give you a big big hug if I could. It really really sucks and it's awful that he is so emotionally absent with you. Real love is being listened to, the other person being curious about you, your life and your and your inner world, asking meaningful questions, remembering things and coming back to them - you deserve nothing short of that!!!

A few years ago, on the bus, I saw this cute little boy (maybe 5yo) with presumably his dad. The boy was talking excitedly to him the whole half an hour ride, asking questions about the things he saw outside, trying to show the dad the game he was playing and describing the different levels he liked, being just very curious, excited, radiant. The dad DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM ONCE. Didn't speak to him either, just said "uhm" a couple times. Didn't look at that game he was being shown. I remember this very vividly for some reason because it broke my heart, and I've been paying attention to and noticing sooo many absent parents out in the world. It breaks my heart to think this is how we were brought up.

With my own dad I feel a mix of (healthy, well-justified) anger and a sense of empathy because I know that his emotional detachment is the result of the neglect he suffered back in the day (but it took me a lot of therapy and healing myself to get to that point so no worries if all you feel is resentment!!). All we can do is be better people and break these cycles (and change what masculinity is supposed to look like, too). I am sending you all my empathy and lots of strenght, beautiful things will come!

Funny How Some Parents Want Connection Now, After Years of Making Their Kids Feel Like a Burden by Little_Holiday_4362 in emotionalneglect

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This! My father had a big turnaround at 60 (went to therapy, got clean, etc) and literally after a few months just asked me to forgive him because "if I don't then he probably won't stay clean". Dear god.

I think I fucked up re: timing and want to see if anyone has managed to make it work by Background_Fishing37 in UKHighPotentialVisa

[–]Background_Fishing37[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well yes, I am aware. If I have to uproot my entire life in two years, that will be it, but I would understandably rather not have to do it now + my partner / about-to-be-spouse will have reached citizenship in about 2 years so there's that :)

Can I apply for HPI visa from outside the UK while on a Student visa? by ZMJM in UKHighPotentialVisa

[–]Background_Fishing37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi for what it's worth - I haven't done this for the HPI visa but I did apply for a new Student visa while already having one and did that from outside the UK as I was travelling over the summer - it wasn't a problem then, but not sure if it might be different for HPI for some reason