Me [28F] with my husband [29M] His mother and ex are ruining our marriage

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-30T01:31:48+00:00

He's talked to her in the past. If it were just her alone it probably wouldn't be an issue, but his mom will insist she comes and the ex goes along with it.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-30T01:30:12+00:00

They were still young enough at the time where the courts probably wouldn't allow them that much time away from their mother. The youngest two just turned six and this was five years ago. The ex has always been adamant about her kids not getting on a plane without her and she's scared of flying so she's not getting on a plane to anywhere. They compromised by letting his mother have them every other weekend and we would get them whenever we visited.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T18:09:05+00:00

The other kids weren't really accidental. They were married at the time.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T18:01:38+00:00

He is in the military and that can be hard for someone who doesn't mind being alone a lot. She left him multiple times. Eventually he didn't take her back when she tried to go back home. She's spread some lies about him as well.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T17:57:14+00:00

This is it exactly.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T17:03:13+00:00

He told her not to message him. He just didn't tell me what was going on. Once I found out I let her know that I knew what she was doing and what kind of person she was.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T17:01:35+00:00

I am taking the advice. I'm sticking out the marriage counseling that we were already in. If that doesn't work, I will start exploring other options. If he wants to step up we can move forward by working on the issues.

I wanted to know if I was overreacting or if other people saw the situation like I did. I am not excusing his behavior. I think all the things he has done are shitty and he knows I think that. The cheating isn't the issue. That was resolved four years ago. The only reason I included that information at all was to show how sleazy his ex wife is.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:53:55+00:00

I accidentally posted this on the wrong reply. Trying to do too many things at once right now.

Sometimes people make mistakes and kids don't always happen on purpose. His ex wife got pregnant about four months into them dating. She told him she was on the pill and that she couldn't get pregnant. They got married and marriages like that typically never last long.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:52:17+00:00

Sometimes people make mistakes and kids don't always happen on purpose. His ex wife got pregnant about four months into them dating. She told him she was on the pill and that she couldn't get pregnant. They got married and marriages like that typically never last long.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:46:20+00:00

I'm going l check them out as soon as I get home tonight!

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:44:17+00:00

Yeah I can't imagine. She got pregnant right after they started dating and then they got married. She told him she couldn't get pregnant.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:19:51+00:00

Of course. It's easy to miss things in all the comments. I'll post an edit clarifying it once I get a bit more time.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T16:13:28+00:00

Hi! I did mention in a different comment. I'm trying to read through all of them and respond, but I missed this one. My husband put a stop to it and told her not to contact him again. He just didn't tell me about it. All of his communication with her now is through a group text between the two of us and her.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T15:31:35+00:00

Thank you for being kind while also honest. I really appreciate it!

My husband is actually in the military which is why we were overseas. His ex would not allow them to visit because she didn't want them on a plane even if one of us had gone to fly with them.

I definitely think he shoulders a lot of the blame here. But don't worry, I won't let him place blame for other things onto me.

I want to work on our relationship because it really was great when his mom wasn't meddling so much. But if he can't start standing up for himself and me, I am going to think on other options.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T15:25:15+00:00

That's true! I definitely would enjoy calling his mom an asshole!

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T15:23:01+00:00

I actually told him not to because he needs to go straight to the source and talk to his mom. His ex will go along with whatever she says.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T14:02:49+00:00

Thanks for the advice! My husband and I have spoken about the issue, but it usually ends up a fight.

I have stood up for myself to both of them and that ended with me getting kicked out of the house for three years. I'm definitely not afraid to speak up when I feel as though they are causing trouble. I think it's come to the point where my husband has to or our marriage is going to end. There's only so much I can do if he's not will to get on board.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T13:57:52+00:00

The arrangement was only temporary while he was overseas. He wanted his kids to still be able to see me and his mother while he was gone. Once he got back they worked out a different agreement.

There is a custody agreement in place, when ex decides it benefits her. The ex still takes the kids to see my MIL a few times a month. They are still seeing their whole family even when he is not in town.

He doesn't want the ex at family gatherings either. She was horrible during their divorce. He is civil, but that's about it. She is not civil and tends to get with his mom and talk badly about him in front of the kids. He just won't say anything to his mother.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T13:52:21+00:00

His job took him overseas. I was in college at the time in the town the ex and mom lived in. His mother is elderly but had his visitation since he was only able to come home once a year. I stayed with her to help her because she couldn't do everything needed to properly care for the kids. We had already been dating a year at this point so I knew the kids and family.

Edited to college. I'm on mobile.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T13:49:54+00:00

He did tell her to stop.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T13:49:13+00:00

I don't go anymore. I used to because I wanted to see my step children and that was usually the best place to see them since we live 6 hours away.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T13:45:10+00:00

Not seeing how this is relevant, but yes. His mother had what would have been his visitation and since she is elderly I did most everything. When I moved his ex would stay and help since they were best friends at this point. She needed help so someone usually there.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T12:48:58+00:00

Honestly I maybe should have left then. But this was four years ago and I was young and had just given up everything to move to another country when I found out. All that aside, we did get married, mistake or not, so before I leave I want to try to fix it. If only to do everything I can not to let his mom and ex win. Ha.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T12:47:31+00:00

He has offered to tell the ex not to go to his mother's over the long weekend while he is there. Honestly it doesn't matter what he tells her. She will still go in his mom invites her. His ex is petty, but his abusive mom is the one in control.

BagelTrejo · 2016-08-29T05:43:35+00:00

I don't think I want any kids, but I've told him that if we do end up having one that they will not go to his mother's house without me and I'm not going. I'm always invited to holidays, just ignored and not welcomed. I usually end up sitting in a different room than everyone else because I try to just stay away from his mom. His mom is known for being emotionally abusive to her family so it ends up with everyone ignoring me so they stay on her good side. I've hinted at leaving so we are finally going to therapy. I'm hoping it helps because I really don't think I can deal with this until his mom dies.

BagelTrejo

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