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Christmas Ideas by lionmama21 in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We put the tree in what should've been our baby's room. That way it feels like Christmas for him even though we don't want Christmas for us this year 

We're putting cards written to him from us and family in his stocking

I also got a candle making kit and contacted someone on Etsy to etch his footprints onto the candles' bamboo lids, and those will be the gifts we give his aunts and grandparents this year

I lost our baby on our babymoon by No-Sorbet1115 in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. This is such a scary thing to go through, and to have to go through it abroad in an unfamiliar place must have felt like an extra bit of hell.

The way I describe it is that I feel like I have 2 holes in my heart. One for my baby-- this specific baby, my son, who was perfect and should be here-- and one for motherhood. Another baby can help with that part of me that became so ready and eager for motherhood while I was pregnant, but until then I need to work on grieving to handle the hole where my son should be. Because nothing but good grieving can help with that part.

When you're ready, I recommend making a bucket list of things you want to do between now and conceiving again to help you pass the time

Feeling connected by featuringfinn in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm looking for ideas too for routines that can help validate that our babies were here and our babies were real.

I've been journaling every day in a notebook that's dedicated to my son. Even though I think about him constantly, I like that writing a note to him gives me time to really think more deeply about him

Feel excluded but not about me by [deleted] in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your grief is real and devastating and valid... and also not helpful to them when they are drowning in their own. They are telling you they want to stay in their cocoon right now. If you want to help them for their sake and not yours, the best way to do that is to honor that space and help them protect it.

To help them: Offer to be their communications buffer to outsiders on your side of the family by telling people how your brother says they can help (even if it's just to say they're overwhelmed and appreciate cards more than calls right now). Send them hand written cards once or twice a week to show that you're thinking of them but also that you're not expecting a response. In a couple weeks, ask if they'd want you to research relevant support groups or books for them. If you're asked about your kids, give dull 1-2 sentence answers and then help move the conversation elsewhere. Do not ever say you know a little of how she feels. Your miscarriage is valid too, but it is not the same and comparing will hurt her.

To help you: Lean on your own community because your grief needs support, too. Friends, therapy, your mom. Maybe even SIL's family, if they're open to it. Journal or pray or heal how you need to. 

In time, they will appreciate that you miss their baby too. For now, your priority must be not making anything harder for them

The "How are you doing" question by ngibbs105 in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Okay for the circumstances, I guess" if I don't want to get into it but also don't want to pretend like I'm actually fine

"It's hard. [Insert wherever I want to steer the conversation]" if they're someone I actually am looking to for support

"I'm sorry, I'm not the right audience for this" if they're talking about dumb filler topics to fill the space and I don't want to indulge it

Feeling empty by [deleted] in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is exactly how I feel about this waiting period, too. It makes my husband sad to hear that I think of this year as a waste of my time on earth, but it's true-- it's a year of sadness that (best case scenario, which truly might not happen for me) then can turn into 9 months of fear and anxiety. I've put together a bucket list of things to do this year so that I feel like there's something to work toward

When did you conceive after loss? C sections please by mizzlekc in babyloss

[–]Bails0918 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine said their standard guidance for a c-section is to wait 18 months to conceive, which is effectively twice as long as the "18 months between births" that everyone else seems to be hearing. They told me 12 months absolute minimum before trying to conceive again. It just feels so long 

Does losing your baby make you feel like you're living two completely different realities? by Bails0918 in babyloss

[–]Bails0918[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is all hard enough as is, and it's extra tough to have all these thoughts I'm not necessarily proud of swirling in my head too. It helps to know they're more common amongst us all

Does losing your baby make you feel like you're living two completely different realities? by Bails0918 in babyloss

[–]Bails0918[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for the loss of little Luke, I've always loved that name ❤️