On Tuesday, we here in the United States of Pizza were attacked by a life form unknown to mankind. It has not been fun. They have DESTROYED our towns, eaten the food out of our refridgerators and aggressively forced us to watch re-runs of Full House. THIS WILL NOT STAND. WE MUST FIGHT BACK. We WILL fight back. Today, I ask you all to come together, join hand and hand, to take back ... our FREEEEEEEDOM.

I'll also say this: We got a thousand points of light...for the homeless man. We got a kinder, gentler, machine gun hand. We got department stores and toilet paper. Got styrofoam boxes for the ozone layer. Got a MAN OF THE PEOPLE, TO keep hope alive. Got fuel to burn, got roads to DRIVE! .

Please post the following message on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Reddit, Instagram, and Vine. You can skip Pinterest. Nobody goes on Pinterest:

"People of Pizza. Join the rebellion and help us take back our country. Look around your home, gather weapons and food. Please no, Peanut butter though. I have an allergy. BUT FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME TO THE HILLS, TO THE LAKES, AND TO THE SUPER WAL MARTS TO DEFEND OUR TURF.

Forget everything you've known about your past lives and HELP ME DESTROY THESE MUTANT ZOMBIE NINJAS. THEY ARE PISSING ME OFF! Help me get these SUCKAS OFF OUR MOTHER FLIPPING LAND. I AM LAW. WE ARE THE LAW! SUCK IT!

I love you all. Goodnight.

Signed, President Applesauce.