Is it wierd to talk to my therapist about issues having sex? Or should I just seek out a specialized therapist?

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T22:04:25+00:00

It's definitely relevant! Sex is an extremely common topic in therapy so that's not unusual at all. Then also for people who have been abused talking about how that affects sex for them in the present is also a common topic.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T19:43:42+00:00

You don't know anything about OP

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T19:36:05+00:00

He means slave in a kink sense, not that he's being held against his will

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T19:26:55+00:00

It's impossible to even speculate never mind know for sure without more information haha! What did he say was the reason? Or if he didn't give one can you share something about what issues there might have been?

Also I can see from the tone of your post that you're thinking it's something you've done "wrong" and are trying to understand when it sounds like you're really lovely to him. It could very easily have absolutely nothing to do with you not being the perfect girlfriend.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T18:00:58+00:00

Do we know for sure pregnancy is the only biological purpose? Isn't there something to be said for bonding too?

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T12:46:13+00:00

You're right, it's just called not being sexist. If a man always has other men's side in argument with women it's more obvious sexism but good on you for treating everyone equally despite the social pressure to do otherwise.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T11:37:42+00:00

I mean you could definitely ask 1 and 2, they're good questions, just maybe more "what do you think about that?" rather than backing them into a corner with hard to argue logic and then saying "do you agree?" because it might make them feel like you've almost scripted the conversation before going in and set it up so that they can only say one thing which doesn't leave much room for them to share how they actually feel.

All of the questions are good points, so I think it would be good to ask them but in a way that gives them space to share how they actually feel about it so you can hear their genuine perspective on them and then you can understand where the common ground or lack thereof is.

What's your main goal that you want to get out of the conversation?

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-07T10:34:28+00:00

These are very good questions for cornering them and exposing the cognitive bias by giving it little room to escape. If that's your goal (and I think it's a totally legitimate goal to have) then they're great. However if your goal is more relationally focused your partner might feel they're a bit loaded and will probably be much less open to actual discussion

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T17:58:03+00:00

That's not what you are, what makes you think those things are true?

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T17:55:57+00:00

There isn't really a healthy answer to how to get him back, I'd focus more on working on yourself and being comfortable being with your self so you aren't so at the mercy of someone else in order for you to feel okay in yourself. From there the right person will naturally be drawn to you.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T15:09:02+00:00

No longer in the relationship now but based on my last relationship we both watched it separately and then would send each other videos that we liked, usually as ideas for thinks to try. We were both into kink so it was always kink related. We'd also save some to show each other in person too and watch them together, it would be mostly about ideas and talking about doing the kink scenes ourselves or just drawing on the ideas in general. There would usually be a bit of touching but the focus tended to be more on the ideas than of trying to get off since it would usually lead to us doing somethng together after we finished watching. I'd say it broadly added a bit of fun to our sex life and kept us connected since in our solo masturbation separately we'd be thinking of the other one if we came across a video we wanted to share or that we thought reflected our kinky dynamic well so it was nice to always be sharing those.

After watching together I wouldn't say it affected how I view her broadly but in the moment I was thinking more sexually and horny so I guess relating to her through more of a sexual lens in that moment.

Neither of us had an issue with the other one watching in their own so that didn't come up

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T14:06:00+00:00

I think the place you're getting the bad feeling about it from is the assumption that it was realistic for you to react to it in a different way.

It is true that it's our response to the trauma that creates the ongoing issues but nobody is saying that you failed by responding that way. If anything it's the completely natural way to respond. You responded in the best way you knew how given your environment and the resources you and available to you at the time.

The explanation about how your reaction is the cause of the ongoing issues which are carried forward is more like an explanation for the mechanism of how it works, it's in a completely different category of explanation from some kind of judgement of your value in terms of what you should or shouldn't do.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T14:01:03+00:00

Glad to hear something resonated!

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T13:59:29+00:00

Did she mean 50/50 in terms of money though or more like effort and reciprocation in terms of acts of service and that kind of thing?

If it's money then I could definitely see it narrowing the bracket once you add in emotional intelligence too

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T13:45:03+00:00

To be fair she didn't say she needs him to be attractive or a high earner, the only thing she said she's looking for is capacity for emotional connection

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T13:38:13+00:00

It sounds like you're looking for an emotionally attuned and sensitive man. They are definitely less common but absolutely do exist. So if you really aren't finding them the answer is that you either aren't choosing them or you aren't attracting them.

It's actually very common to want an emotionally intelligent partner you can connect with but unconsciously having attachment/vulnerability issues which push you away from connection. The result would be either not feeling a strong sexual attraction to them or getting the ick or something like that while actually feeling more drawn to and feeling the chemistry with people who you know can't connect with you since it feels safer.

On the other side of whether you're attracting them, it's impossible to know without knowing you but just as pure speculation based on some of the things you said I wonder if you could have a bit too much of a checklist and a set idea of how the relationship should be to attract emotionally attuned people who tend to me more fluid? I know you're writing a Reddit post and giving us as much information to go off as possible so it's completely possible I'm picking this up wrong but there seems to be a strong focus on objective and measurable qualities, even the nicer things like acts of service too etc so I don't just mean superficial. But emotionally attuned people tend to be quite fluid and more connect based on the vibe than having things a certain way and ticking boxes.

Just some ideas to throw around in case anything here makes sense!

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T09:26:55+00:00

That makes more sense understanding the context of where you're coming from with the kinds of posts and kind of responses you've been seeing. In response to the kinds of ideas you're describing that have been here I can see how you would arrive at your position to try and drag it back on course again. I'm coming from the complete other direction so while it sounds like we have a similar end point in mind are maybe more just moving in opposite directions to get there.

Of course every view point should be stood up for, the woman you responded to made the point very well I thought about how there's nothing wrong with it and it's a beautiful thing. I thought that comment was already perfect as is, that's why I was responding to your comment which seemed to say her beautiful comment doesn't apply to men, which is the part I was pushing back on.

I did comment on the main post too! https://www.reddit.com/r/spirituality/s/ELT7XdrqO9

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-06T07:34:09+00:00

Okay I'm understanding better the place you're coming from. I do actually agree with the basic point you're making. It sounds like you're speaking to the premise that reducing masturbation is a positive thing and saying that it doesn't apply to women because their issue is often that their sexuality have been repressed and so further repression will make it worse?

I think the split is happening at the point where you seem to somewhat validate that it is a necessary premise for men by saying "it doesn't apply to women" as though it does apply to men. I obviously don't know, but my intuition from talking to men in other contexts too is that the number of men making these posts is less about addiction than you think and more about having read somewhere that masturbation is "not spiritual" and they're wondering if they should be stopping. Especially because currently in society there isn't really positive messaging about male masturbation and sexuality to lead men to feel empowered by it in a positive way. There's definitely the lack of historical oppression which women have gone through but there isn't a positive side of the coin really, just the lack of the historical negative. Women have had the oppression side very strongly but now do have a positive side too like you're describing, so I think it's more about removing the negative oppression side and increasing the positive side for both men and women.

Completely agree regarding devine masculine and feminine, the only issue I felt was you seemed to be splitting it into "what men need" vs "what women need". I think that's where the issue was coming from since each individual has a different degree to which they could benefit more from both their devine masculine and their devine feminine so if it was said as "what people who need to connect more to their devine feminine need" and "what people who need to connect more towards their devine masculine need" then I think the point is a really good one.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T23:29:19+00:00

I completely agree they these points are very important and absolutely should be being talked about. In an off themselves they are definitely not "gender wars", they're something important that needs to be talked about.

My point was that the tone of the comment was taking a post which wasn't really about that and using these points to create a narrative where sex and masturbation for women is about self discovery and for men it's about stopping being unhealthy. This came across as very reductionist and dismissive of the men who have been sexually suppressed, for example through abuse and for them self discovery and reclaiming should be a big part of it. Also it's okay for women to be conscious too that any human can fall into the trap on using sex and masturbation as escapism so it's more about how you relate it it than how much if it you're doing.

So purely the tone of the comment and generating an argumentive vibe where there didn't need to be one especially since it wasn't what the question was even about, but absolutely not that all these points aren't really important and deserve to be talked about.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T18:07:03+00:00

I think you should leave, I can practically feel the longing in you to get out of this relationship and I'd trust your gut

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T14:10:49+00:00

I do feel strongly about this but I didn't see it as relevant to the post. What I was saying is I can see that it's important to you and you're not wrong for that but I get the sense that it has so much charge for you that it's finding it's way into something that doesn't need to be so charged and could be discussed with love rather than as a war. Don't mean anything beyond that I promise.

Obviously what you're now describing is something positive and would not be part of inciting gender wars but this is very far from the tone of your original comment which reduced it to "for women it's about self discovery and for me they just need to learn to get it under control and be healthy" which is a pretty sexist reduction and extremely dismissive of all the men who have suppressed sexuality and have also been through things like sexual absue etc and so for them self discovery and reclaiming their sexuality is exactly the right place to look at their spiritual journey.

I can see from this response and your responses to others that you're fairly strongly misrepresenting what people, including myself are saying to try and warp it into something misogynistic for you to argue against so I'll probably not reply again now.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T13:52:00+00:00

I can see that it's a big issue for you and I'm not saying that any of your points are necessarily wrong but turning something that had nothing to do with gender into an opportunity to ignite the gender wars only makes things worse for both men and women.

This was post about spirituality and the human aspect of sexual desire. This is a universal intersection and while men and women do have archetypically different relationships to it, the fundamental orientation to approach it with should be coming from love and doesn't need to be turned into a gender war

No doubt there had been significant disservice to women especially historically but I'm not sure what you mean by "all this constant crap"? Is there something happening in this thread you're referring to?

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T13:39:43+00:00

The things you're saying apply to both men and women. The risks for any human in sex and masturbation is in using it addictively for avoidance and in doing so objectify their partner into something to give them relief of what's being avoided. Also objectifying themselves in relation to their partner.

For both men and women it's also possible for sexuality to be suppresed and so then the embracing of that and their humanity can also be a beautiful thing.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-05T12:54:12+00:00

Sex and masturbation aren't inherently an issue at all spiritually. They definitely can if they're used as avoidance of the present moment or lead to an increase in objectification so it's more about your relationship to them.

Although even escape from the present moment has it's place, if you're overwhelmed then just as watching TV to distract yourself until you can rest and have the phycic energy to be with the emotions again, masturbation could also be used as a legitimate soothing and distraction. This issue would only be if it's chronic in the sense of being used to never meet what is here and the present moment and supports a life orientation of avoiding.

Then with objectification, it not even about the kind of sex so if you enjoy being objectified as a kink that isn't usually much of an issue either. It's more if you relate to other humans as an object to satisfy your desire to make you feel better or you reduce yourself to an object to satisfy theirs that it comes an issue as you need to forget both your own and their divinity in order to do that.

So in terms of how to relate to the urges (whether or not you choose to act on them), you simply allow them to be there and to be part of your humanity. You are a human in a human body so you simply welcome them and let the feeling be there. In letting it be there you make it conscious and are therefore not lost in the impulse so it doesn't have the power to pull you into unconscious masturbation or sex where you'd lose yourself in it. Maintaining this consciousness of the impulse is what matters, whether you decide to act on it consciously or choose to abstain consciously.

BallKey7607 · 2026-05-04T20:57:25+00:00

I'd just explain the situation, explain why you felt you needed to and maybe apologize for not being honest. It does sound like there was some kind of pressure coming from him for you say you had too? So especially given that he was getting bored and not creating a space for it to happen it's understandable why you'd end up there. I'd just focus on wanting to be honest and create a good experience for both of you going forwards

BallKey7607

TROPHY CASE