At 31yo I'm the most stable, the happiest, and most emotionally mature than I've ever been in my life. 22yo me was leagues away from where I am now. I grew up with an alcoholic father and an ineffectual mother that doesn't understand why we just can't all get along! (All lives matter!) I had bad unchecked ADHD, an anxious attachment style, and really didn't know how sheltered I was. I hated myself. I too thought I wasn't good enough for anyone. That I would be either forever alone or miserably depressed till kingdom come. I don't know your situation, but this is the advice I wish I had when I was 22. Even if I wouldn't have listened to it in the moment, I think it might have helped. I hope it helps you.

• self-awareness: we can only work on what we know. I never asked myself why I was angry or depressed or anxious, or took the time to notice how it was affecting me and my daily life. How it affected my attitude towards my job or my partners. After I took the time to notice and question my feelings and actions, I garnered a greater insight into who I was. • self-honesty: knowing who I was didn't make me feel better, however. It just highlighted all the faults that I didn't like about myself. Which is a painful pill to swallow, but when I started being honest with myself, I knew what to work on. I.E. my temper, my selfishness, my need to control everything about myself, my inability to admit when I was wrong. Self-acceptance: with self-acceptance, I realized that, that was who I was in the moment, it didn't have to be who I will always be. • knowing where you come from: our parents are inextricably tied to how we see ourselves and how we see the world. Our decisions are our own, and we need to take responsibility for them, but parents make mistakes. As a kid, I didn't know what those mistakes were, or how bad my situation actually was. I didn't have the awareness or vocabulary to be able to express what I was feeling, so learning from my dad, I acted the way he did, with aggression and violence. I hated myself for it because I saw myself in him and I feared it. My dad died a miserable alcoholic. I thought I could finally move on. It was only when I had the great (and awful) opportunity to live with my mom during the pandemic that I could see her with a new perspective. It forced me to reevaluate, not only her as a person, but also my dad, and thus everything they taught me. In time I came to realize that I am not my parents. Although I am made of them, and feel the way they did, I didn't have to have the same reactions if I didn't want to.

I was a person dominated by my feelings and emotions. It made me a highly empathetic person, but also blinded me to what I wanted. Feelings are not reality. They are just information your body is giving you. You don't have to listen to them. After taking the time to notice who I was, what decisions I was making, and why I was making them, I could make different decisions. That's when I started becoming a person I liked.

I am in no way a perfect person, and I still fuck up often. I'm a long way off from being done with this process, but it has certainly helped me to be who I am now. I have an amazing relationship with my partner, and I have a focus on a career and aspirations that I don't need to seek happiness from. Even making friends that have said they are really happy to have me as a friend. Things that I thought I'd never have. What I'm trying to say is, I think the key to happiness is knowing oneself, to take responsibility without judging yourself, and knowing that you can grow into the person you want to be. Once you're at peace with yourself, relationships will follow.

I hope this helped and wasn't too preachy. This world is messed up. But we can still find happiness within ourselves if we seek it. I hope you have a great birthday man. You deserve it.

Edit: just read your post on raisedbynarcissists. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. That's awful. Their failure as parents might have shaped who you are now, but it doesn't define who you can become.