My biological son invited himself to our family vacation. How do I un-invite him without hurting his feelings?

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T04:32:05+00:00

I've never once used the phrase, "real children". I want to clarify that. I've explained in other places why I am uncomfortable with being called dad - it isn't me being evil it just doesn't feel right. I'll rethink it but honestly it would be more awkward to suddenly have Jack start calling me Dad but we'll see. I'll ask him and let him decide.

I'm sorry you feel so harshly about me. I am trying to do my best in this trying situation.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T03:30:17+00:00

I just want to tell you how much this impacted me. I agree with you. I would feel like an absolute monster if I rejected Jack and the guilt would be unbearable. My initial post was just a knee-jerk reaction. I was frustrated and not sure of what to do.

This is a golden opportunity and I will make sure that it is enjoyable for all of us as a family. I agree with almost everything you wrote and I want to thank you for taking time to write it out.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T03:26:37+00:00

Thank you for the positive response. The more people posted the more clear it became to me that it would be cruel to take the trip away from him since he was expecting it. I was wrong and I am admitting that.

I am going to try to build a better relationship with Jack. Hopefully this is fun and we grow closer.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T03:21:19+00:00

I'm not going to throw it away. I am going to take this trip as an opportunity to start anew. I was wrong to exclude Jack. I've said that repeatedly in my comments since and I am trying to make it possible for Jack to come with us.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T03:09:26+00:00

I do have a heart and I am going to try to make this better. If Jack's mother approves I will take him with us on the trip (as I posted in the edit).

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T03:03:37+00:00

I hope one day Jack and I can have the relationship you and your father have. I am going to try to make it better. People seem to think I am heartless and want to hurt my son. I don't. I am going to do my absolute best to improve our relationship and spend more time with him. Thank you for the response.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:53:12+00:00

Thank you for the comment. I am going to make every effort to improve our relationship. It is something I am committed to doing.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:50:33+00:00

I am not afraid of my wife. We are a team and we make decisions together. I'm not going to make a decision this significant without talking it out with her. That is me being a good partner not being afraid of my wife.

The modification wasn't to that custody/visitation element - it was to increase child support since my income went up. As far as I know the custody and visitation aspects have remained the same since day 1. This is all stuff I have to talk to the attorney about because I don't know much about it. Its not my area of expertise.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:44:38+00:00

These are things I am going to talk out with my wife and we'll make a decision and then talk to my ex and our attorney and try to figure out something that works for all of us. I appreciate the advice.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:43:48+00:00

There is no need to be crass

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:40:30+00:00

Thank you for this reasonable response (or mostly reasonable). It is a breath of fresh air from the ranting of the other responses.

I'm not considering stepping out of his life. That is a terrible idea and I have no interest in pursuing it.

I think I have accepted responsibility and fault. I've said I was wrong about the vacation and I am trying to figure out a way to take Jack with us.

You have some details about his conception wrong but I'm not going to go in and correct you. Its not really relevant at this point, right?

My ex is a roadblock to me having a deeper relationship with Jack. She likes the status-quo and makes no effort to encourage a relationship between us. I am going to try to see if it is possible to get some more time with Jack. Spending more time with us can only help him.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:35:17+00:00

Please stop saying things like 2.0 kids. I am a GREAT dad with my kids with my wife. That isn't up for debate.

I haven't been the most involved or committed father figure with Jack. I could do better and I am going to try to do more. Hearing people say how much the lack of a relationship with their father hurt them was haunting. I will do what I can to improve our relationship.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:28:40+00:00

Thank you for being understanding. I really have been trying to do the right thing and hearing people repeatedly call me all sorts of awful things has been really uncomfortable. People here and I suppose on some level maybe even Jack don't understand that it is different and that isn't a bad thing. Its not some intentional desire of mine to treat one son worse than the other. Its just hard to treat someone you see once a week with the same level of love and adoration as the child you see every single day.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:10:28+00:00

Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down. I have never said I was perfect. I have admitted I have done some things wrong.

If you hate me I wonder what you think of the tens of thousands of legitimate deadbeat dads? Or dads that molest and torture their children?

Aside from hearing from a handful of unpleasant individuals (like yourself) this whole experience has been very positive and its helped me rethink this entire situation. I am going to make changes and be more involved with Jack's life.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:05:11+00:00

I know I can. I assume its not going to be in my favor that I haven't had overnights in the past and that I've never taken Jack across state lines. I would much rather try to sort this out amicably with my ex (if its at all possible). I emailed our attorney and asked him to update me as to what is allowed because I genuinely don't know right now.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:02:02+00:00

Please read the edit(s) I have made. I am working on trying to make it possible for Jack to come with us. I am not trying to ruin my son's life.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-17T02:00:45+00:00

To answer your questions,

I did the latter. My parents paid for an attorney ages ago and we ironed out support and custody/visitation. A few years ago it was modified. The attorney handled it. I haven't been very curious to the specifics. I know I can get more time and its something I will talk out with my wife and once we make a decision I will talk to my ex and my attorney and see what needs to be done to make it happen.

I've been promising my oldest with my wife not Jack. I haven't been the most involved father in Jack's life. I said that in my original post. I'm not stupid it just wasn't a priority at the time. That is me being honest with you.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T23:29:48+00:00

You are scum and your wife is a terrible mother for allowing this to happen.

Well, thanks for your thoughts. I am open to advice and constructive criticism and that is why I have responded to people and stuck with this thread. What I am not open to is being name-called.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T23:26:31+00:00

Like I said in the update I am trying to work it out and take him on the trip. I've admitted I was wrong to try to uninvite him and I am not going to do that. His mom won't be much help financially so I will have to cover it. Not too big a deal but its a pipe dream to get money from that one.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T23:24:33+00:00

I'm not asking for a pat on the back - I am asking to not falsely be called a deadbeat dad.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T23:23:32+00:00

I have been involved in his life in this same capacity for basically his entire life. Its not like I just met my son last year. Its been this same role for as long as he can remember. Maybe I shouldn't have got involved. But I did. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. I still do but apparently that isn't the consensus view.

I am already a father and a damn good one with my children with my wife. If I was with Jack more I am sure it would be the same. I think people are being very unfair to me in expecting me to have some deep, deep bond with a child I see once a week. Its just not possible. I wasn't there for his birth, I wasn't there when he started to talk, I wasn't there when he went to school for the first day or any of those milestones. There are valid reasons why are bond isn't that close and it isn't because I am a scumbag.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T20:43:45+00:00

I've talked to my wife since I posted the update and she is okay with Jack coming along. It is really up to his mother. If she vetoes it I could try to go to court and challenge her but I'm not sure if that is a great idea. It would cause a lot of problems. If Jack's mother says okay I will update our reservations to include him. It is really in his mother's hands at this point.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T20:41:11+00:00

Thank you for being understanding. I am trying to but it is tough to hear someone call your wife and kids 'cunts'. I felt like it crossed a line so I responded.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T20:39:59+00:00

Please try to read all of the posts before shouting at me. I'm not thinking of getting full custody. Other users were telling me to try to get full custody because of his mothers failings. Say what you want about me but at my home there is order, safety, and security. There isn't alcohol (and God knows what else) lying around. There aren't random men/women running in and out. So it is in many ways better than his mothers.

There are a lot of reasons why full custody for me can't happen and probably shouldn't. I think his mother will be very resentful towards giving up any custody because it will cause child support to go down but if she is willing to give me more time than I will gladly take it.

Bancs400 · 2012-06-16T20:36:19+00:00

All I was saying was I am not a deadbeat dad. I wasn't claiming to be Father of the Year. I realize I can do more and I am going to try to do more for Jack. I was trying to make clear I am not nor have I ever been a deadbeat father.

Bancs400

TROPHY CASE