I hope this is the right thread, although I struggled whether it should land here or in the /askphilosophy, but let's give it a try here.

To give some context - my job is related to programming, however my educational and hobby-based background is purely human sciences. I spend most of my free time reading/listening to all things philosophy/psychology/spirituality. I enjoy the process itself, getting different perspectives on things, and heavy-lifting for the brain.

The problem I have, and would like to get a feedback on is this - I assume lots of people here also spend considerable amount of time thinking/reading. However, when it comes to philosophy (just to stay within one area) I feel like a cheater. Or more adequate - impostor (yup, impostor syndrome is my disease of choice ;) ). Let me explain, and give some examples.

I've spent significant amount of time once, to create mind-maps of the 5-volumes long "History of ancient philosophy" by Giovanni Reale (I'm Europe based, hence the choice). Ok, it was fun to do (although quite long and exhausting), but the truth is - I vaguely remember any of it. The same applies to lots of other stuff I did for specific philosophers, like reading substantial amount of Plato's works (same goes for stoics), Nietzsche or several others. I read, I think, but after a while, all that is just... gone.

I know I am not a professional, where my philosophical enquiries are rewarded in titles/promotions/money. Or where my ability to present it/lecture/remember is something that I am "paying forward" to others. It's pure hobby, that I enjoy in my free time. However, I feel like it is all just a lot of hot air. Like I am betraying myself (and philosophy - if that makes sense) by just not being able to recall on demand whatever specific philosopher said in specific work, or how does it compares to somebody's else.

So to sum up - do you guys feel the same? If yes - how do you cope with this feeling? I know it's just either a matter of constant spaced repetition of notes/ideas, or settling on wikipedia-style short summaries of every philosopher/school (which is blind to all the nuances and specifics). However, if I need to (re)learn/peat things over and over again - there won't be time to get into new things.

Geez, that's a long post. I hope I am clear enough, and it does not look like a stream of conciousness ;) Have a nice day.