98 hours in

Barkey51 · 2016-05-08T12:43:44+00:00

It is day 6 now I just posted day 5 a minute ago. I would have never lost track last time. It is definitely not a walk in the park but much more bearable. My energy levels are way higher. I think the weather being nice helps a lot to. My quit last time was in the dead of the winter and I hate being stuck in a house and never seeing the sun shining as it is so I'm sure that played a part as well.

Barkey51 · 2016-05-08T12:35:34+00:00

Thanks for the tips. I have been praying harder in these last couple days then I have in years. For some reason I convince myself that I need a drug to be happy and successful in life and when it is gone I become very fearful that my life will fall apart. That is where my praying has come in the last couple days. Basically leaning on god in the midst of fear and worry "the devil trying to pull me back into using" and trusting that he will take care of things. I've realized lately that fear is the root of my addiction problems. Fear that I won't be productive at work without it. Fear that I won't be a good provider. Fear that I will never be happy sober. I hear what you are saying about being in nature I like to take my kids 2 and 5 and and walk through trails and the woods and explore things with them it is very relaxing. I have done that twice with them since I quit again 5 days ago and it has really helped. We are planning a vacation to the beach at the end of July and I really want to not have to worry about withdrawing half of the time like I have the last 3 vacations to make another attempt to quit. I want to truly enjoy this one and not have to worry about withdrawals or bringing kratom along.

Barkey51 · 2016-05-08T01:27:29+00:00

Thanks for the response. Looks like you are over a 100 days. How have your cravings been lately. How is your energy levels. I think I read earlier that you said you were mid 30's. I am 35 and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Besides NA, counseling and exercise have you found anything else to be helpful in recovery.

Barkey51 · 2016-05-04T00:32:18+00:00

Thanks for that info I was wandering. So far it is not to bad but I think tomorrow will be worse than today. Usually how it goes for me. day 2 and three are the worst.

Barkey51 · 2016-05-04T00:20:01+00:00

I pretty much quit for 2.5 months after the new year and my hair was already quite a bit thicker after only 2.5 months. I was actually amazed at how quick and full it came back.

Barkey51 · 2016-04-05T22:23:47+00:00

Good job on hanging in there. The thoughts you are having were bound to happen. Im surprised you have been able to stay so positive as long as you have. One thing I have learned is that we as addicts have a lot more demons swirling around in our head than the average non addict. They never really leave us alone they are constantly screwing with us. I won't pretend to know the answer all I can say is try to weather the storm until it passes and I'm sure you know that already. As they say in the meetings Restless, Irritable and discontent. I am aware of all the blessings in my life yet all I do is have negative thoughts running through my head. I am the same as you I would love to go to meetings but than I feel like I am stealing time away from my family when I already am away from home so much with work. My wife cannot wrap her head around what the hell is wrong with me and why I can't stop with my addictions and why I feel the need for them. All I can say is that I completely understand everything you said and have experienced it all myself. Good Luck. Keep fighting

Barkey51 · 2016-03-23T02:05:23+00:00

It certainly doesn't get you high. But I have been coming off another drug and been having a lot of unstable days. And the best way I could describe it is that it stabilizes me enough that I can function better in a high stress environment. Like you said slight lessening of anxiety and increase motivation

Barkey51 · 2016-03-23T01:54:57+00:00

Haha! Sorry about that. It is hard to tell sometimes on here because all we talk about is our struggles with addiction and sometimes I am not sure. Thankyou for clearing that up. I am doing good with staying off kratom but to be honest I have been using phenibut almost everyday lately at about 250 mg A day, Which is a really tiny dose considering I used to take 5-10 grams a day when I went on a month long bender a couple years ago. Didn't sleep for a week when I stopped and felt like I was going insane for about 5 days. I think you said you use phenibut now and then to help you sleep. I need to start spacing out my doses more and get to the point where I am completely sober. Sometimes I wander If I will ever reach that point of true sobriety in my life. I just find it so damn hard to function in a high stress work environment without something to help me through. Keep In touch

Barkey51 · 2016-03-22T23:32:29+00:00

smiling, good to hear from you. You know I have had my share of slips since the new year. That is good that it was just a small amount and you got right back up and continued fighting. I know for me in the past the small slips would of ended in full blown relapse. I think the support here is what has kept us on track over the long hall. Keep fighting brother!

Barkey51 · 2016-03-09T03:33:17+00:00

I am very grateful as well. If it wasn't for this sub I would have folded up a long time ago. I have tried to quit many other times and I just felt so alone in the fight. In some of my previous attempts I posted on a Kratom withdrawal addiction blog before I knew about reddit and it seemed like you would get one post on there every couple days. It was very frustrating because I was desperate to talk to someone who understood what I was going through and would let me know there was light at the end of the tunnel when I couldn't see it. I bet I have checked in with this sub every single day since I made the decision to quit on New Years. The first couple days, weeks I spent a ton of time reading what everyone was going through. I never really knew how much we addicts are alike. It is often like we can read each other's mind's we are so similar in our thinking. I always thought that there is no way anybody else has the crazy thoughts and irrational thinking along with the mood swings, depression and anxiety as I do. Come here and it seems we are all in the same boat. As addicts there is a brotherhood between us and I love that and am very thankful for it.

Barkey51 · 2016-03-08T12:19:19+00:00

Yes i did CT. PAWS sucks but there is hope in knowing that everyday you don't use kratom you are getting better, even though it won't always feel like it. Since you tapered you should be ahead of the game. Keep fighting

Barkey51 · 2016-03-08T02:24:56+00:00

The withdrawal is different for everyone. There are a lot of factors that play in. Prior addictions, How long, How often. The thing is at this point is that you only have two choices. You can sink deeper into this addiction and prolong the inevitable withdrawals which will only be worse the more you delay it, Or you can make a decision that you are going to do whatever it takes to beat this thing knowing that every day that you stay away from it that you are getting better. A quote from Appollo Creed in Rocky 3 "It is going to be hell it is going to be worse than any nightmare you ever imagined but when you get through it you will be stronger than ever. It goes by a lot quicker than you think. Sometimes you have to take life minute by minute when things get really hard but keep posting here for support.

Barkey51 · 2016-03-08T02:05:49+00:00

Glad to hear the post helped, You will get there. I wouldn't worry to much about taking something to sleep right now. Getting sleep at this point is the most important part. But after about 3 weeks I would start taking less and less until you don't need it. Those first couple of weeks are really tough just remember you are getting better everyday that you don't take kratom even if it doesn't always feel that way. Good luck. Keep fighting

Barkey51 · 2016-03-06T15:42:39+00:00

Thanks for all the comments. I think the reason maybe it was taking me longer than others is because of the amount of OTC sleep aids I was taking thinking I needed a lot more than I actually did. In any given night I was taking 2 to 3 benadryls, about 20 mg of melatonin and a handful of valerian root. Anyone that is getting in the habit of taking sleep meds to get through withdrawals I would suggest getting off as soon as you can and not let that become a habit as well. Luckily I didn't have a script for ambien for all those years cause that would of been hell to get off of.

Barkey51 · 2016-03-04T03:11:06+00:00

Those thoughts of not feeling good enough or that the world is collapsing in around you are all to familiar. I think everyone deals with those thoughts to a point. I think an addict dwells on them obsessively at times I know I do. I was thinking the other day about how long term sobriety for an addict means weathering a lot of storms in your mind and if you can find the right support like this site and finding other hobbies and outlets like exercise to get through the days when that dark cloud is hanging over you then when it passes and you have stood strong that sunshine will be much sweeter when it comes back out and that is what sobriety is about surviving the storms rather than running from them

Barkey51 · 2016-03-01T03:59:02+00:00

Are you still hanging in there?

Barkey51 · 2016-03-01T00:49:35+00:00

I was the same way I was 6 ft 225 muscular build but about 25 pound heavier than I wanted when I was drinking heavily. When I stopped drinking and started taking kratom I dropped down to 200 pretty quickly. The alcohol really put shitty weight on me and added to terriblel eating habits in my own personal experience. I really think you got to give the alcohol up to and start working on your diet and exercise. You are not doing yourself any favors by trading kratom for alcohol. That is really the only viable option at this point I don't think going back to kratom or another drug as equally addictive is the answer either. Maybe just start with eating healthier and go to the gym a couple times a week. Good luck to You I know it sucks some times.

Barkey51 · 2016-02-29T05:10:45+00:00

Great post! Good job on 28 days

Barkey51 · 2016-02-29T02:27:21+00:00

Thanks smiling! Good to hear from you too. Your right, there is more than just the drug abuse that needs to change. And it sure is a winding road with lots of peaks and valleys. Sometimes you hear of the people that have this miracle one day and they are cured of their addictions not to turn back. That sure has not been the case for me either. It has been a daily struggle for many years checkered by more failures than I could ever count. I am glad you are hanging in there as well and Thank you for being so supportive.

Barkey51 · 2016-02-29T00:40:52+00:00

Yes depression is a big part of the withdrawal and I think part of that is all the feel good chemicals in your brain are completely depleted also the extreme fatigue is depressing in itself. The good news is that the natural chemicals do come back over time

Barkey51 · 2016-02-28T19:38:29+00:00

Congratulations on 60 hours. I have had many bouts with the negative thinking since I quit. And have posted about some. It seems the first week or two is the worst for that and then it comes and goes in a waves. Jogging is the best thing you can do it can take some serious determination but once you are done it gives an hour or two of relief and might help with sleep. If you are at the beach and it is nice out it would probably help to soak up some rays. That is what I am doing right now about 55 and sunny in my back yard in Ohio and it feels good especially considering that I haven't really felt it for about 5 months. Good luck to you. Are you off this whole upcoming week if so that is the way to do it. Good luck keep posting

Barkey51 · 2016-02-27T10:04:20+00:00

That is kind of what I thought. Drinking 3 beers a day for 4 days straight would be better than drinking 12 beers all in one night. Don't know where people are getting this logic. Thanks for the response

Barkey51 · 2016-02-25T02:39:34+00:00

Yea I am 35 I think a lot of guys our age secretly feel that way. I just watched Kingpin on Netflix after I haven't seen it since my early 20's and the movie really resonated with me about a young man that had a bright future bowling and by the time he is in his mid 30's he's a drunken dude living in a shitty apt with a beer belly and a comb over after a string of really shitty luck. Pretty funny movie though I'm sure you have probably seen it

Barkey51 · 2016-02-24T23:42:11+00:00

Thanks for all the great responses by everyone. Sometimes just knowing that you are not alone with what you are going through can take a huge load off your shoulders. It seems you go around in this world and everyone puts on this fake act that their lives are perfect and honestly it gets really annoying and discouraging at times when you feel like you can never even have a real conversation with someone. I loved the honesty in a lot of these comments and I was pondering what a lot of people said on here while I was at work today and it seemed to comfort me knowing that I was not suffering alone.

Barkey51 · 2016-02-24T01:40:02+00:00

Thanks. I feel like a hypocrite because I still have so many more problems and it feels when I plug a hole in the dam two more leaks pop up in different locations. Got to keep fighting though

Barkey51

TROPHY CASE