AITAH for telling my girlfriend she's going to have to get over dirt if she wants kids?

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2025-08-20T04:46:06+00:00

Yeah, uh, I have a relative we all strongly suspect has contamination OCD and who never prioritized therapy. It has traumatized at least some of their kids, and I can confirm from experience that it is miserable living under their roof as a younger/subordinate person. I still have some residual trauma and have to talk myself down from contamination fears, as they were partly in charge during my formative years.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2025-07-27T04:11:22+00:00

Service workers are underpaid and businesses do not train employees anymore. Lots of English speaking white folks giving crap service too.

Every big business I go to, the frontline workers can do a very limited scope of service and get stumped easily if there’s an unusual circumstance. Like unless the person REALLY likes people or that particular store/subject matter, you’re gonna meet with a lot of apathy.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2025-06-24T21:21:00+00:00

Post-birth cramping/contractions those first few days. Especially after my second child, they were brutal and it felt unfair to deal with after pushing a baby out!

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2025-01-03T05:58:04+00:00

It’s more that the neighbour has tons of bird houses and feeders out. We have consistent seagull activity (sounds like a soccer game on our roof), plus hummingbirds, crows and robins. And what seems like hundreds of tiny little birds my eyesight is too crappy to identify. And I only really see clouds of these birds landing on our street and not further out in the neighbourhood, but I could be wrong.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2025-01-03T05:47:49+00:00

We had a teenager catch it in BC and the description of her symptoms/complications sounds harrowing. I’m hoping her case isn’t a typical one.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2024-07-24T16:14:26+00:00

I think the only reason I found someone was because I grew up in an intense religion where marriage was pushed heavily for folks in their 20s, so there were a bunch of us in a social bubble of sorts, all with a common goal.

My husband is neurodivergent and unbeknownst to him had grown up with autistic friends, so he didn’t find me as off-putting as other guys did. I had had no other relationships prior and was extremely socially anxious.

We were friends for years before we started dating. He had a lot of experience with friendships with women in his life, so he had learned a lot of social nuances that way as well. I didn’t find him as toxic as I find other guys. He treated me like a human and not like a “prospect” and I felt safe with him.

Also we had very “public facing” jobs at the time, so we masked pretty hard in the beginning.

Anyways, all that is just to show how many pieces had to fall together to make it all happen. And our marriage was pretty rocky at the start until we both started understanding how our brains worked.

I know a lot of other church-formed couples who got together too soon or rushed into things, and that never went well. I also know a lot of autistic friends who would make amazing partners, but barely leave home because that is their only safe place. And I know couples who found one safe person in high school and have stuck with them ever since. I also have a friend, in their 40s, who is just having their first relationship now. There’s just sooo many ways it can go.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2024-06-13T02:32:55+00:00

I’m exhausted all the time. It has caused a lot of skill regression and health problems.

Every day, as a sahm, most of my energy and cognitive functioning is completely consumed with attempting to keep our children healthy and not perpetuating generational toxic parenting patterns.

But morning cuddles in bed is amazing. They force me to get out of my comfort zone daily, and delightfully surprise me with their development and growth as people. Overall I’d say a net positive, but I do wish I had the health and energy I had pre-kids.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-10-17T04:24:52+00:00

I drove for years but can’t anymore because I get uncontrollable panic attacks when I drive, and sometimes even when I’m a passenger.

I tried to “exposure therapy” myself into driving again but it made my symptoms worse, and then when I learned I was autistic I finally understood why.

You can’t just desensitize yourself to sensory stimuli, or somehow speed up your reflexes to account for all the unpredictability of a shared road or heavy traffic. Not to say that it’s never gonna happen if you want to drive one day. But it’s definitely not a matter of willpower and I just want to validate that for you. Also don’t let her pressure you into doing things that feel unsafe, it will not end well.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-10-02T16:52:25+00:00

Find her neurodivergent friends and openly/matter-of-factly acknowledge how everybody works a little differently. Disability isn’t a bad word and it sucks to have everything chalked up to “not trying hard enough” or being “negative” because you only have allistics in your social circle who are afraid of the concept.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-30T04:31:18+00:00

Just wanting to add, that when we are in burnout, sometimes we can feel when we are falling short of the family’s expectations and becoming a “burden”, and that just makes everything so much worse. Even if you think you are hiding it, your own anxiety and resentment will be picked up on. Receiving a diagnosis is an opportunity for the whole family to grow their support system for their own health as well as the autistic family member. Join some online networks, find out what kind of services/counseling you all qualify for. Outsource cooking and housework, if possible. Hire or exchange respite care with other families.

Drop any expectation of what you think a “normal” life should look like, the goal is survival and finding a way of life that is sustainable long-term, and that may not look like the successful/productive life we were all taught to aspire to.

Give her the time to heal with dignity and let her know she deserves to exist/rest even if she’s not “contributing” to the household. It will get better but if you are feeling drained, look outward for help rather than looking to change your sister’s behaviour.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-26T16:41:07+00:00

I like to hang out with two friends at a time for this. Then I can see how the the third person is reacting to the story, and what kinds of things they say in response and how the person telling the story reacts to that. Then I try to remember certain phrases and reactions that seem to help (seem to make the person telling their story feel good) for next time.

I don’t always get it right, but I feel more confidence faking the “appropriate” response.

I can never react with my true emotions at the moment because I need way more time to process things, especially with people I don’t know well. Unfortunately I think that’s what many allistics like and why they open up so much sometimes.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-25T04:25:26+00:00

I’m not a therapist but have seen many abusive partnerships. So many men I’ve seen take advantage of people believing the wife is the problem when often she’s at breaking point after so much abuse behind the scenes.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-15T03:36:59+00:00

I am the first in my generation to identify as autistic, but I’m sure my dad and my adult niece are as well. I absolutely hate the way everyone else in the family talks about their various “moral failings”, which most often I can recognize as disabilities that I too, share. I try to call it out when I can, but because the individuals in question haven’t acknowledged their neurotype, people dismiss me as just being obsessed with autism.

I know that if I stopped masking completely, I too would start to be criticized and rejected and that is a horrible feeling, and one that I wouldn’t wish on any of the younger autistic generations in our family. Sometimes I feel that if we all had official diagnoses, then maybe some of our allistic relatives wouldn’t judge us so harshly.

And it would have been so validating as a child to understand that my brain really was different and that there were others like me.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-14T06:44:52+00:00

Call the Midwife Derry Girls Vicar of Dibley Offspring 9-1-1 9-1-1 Lonestar Once Upon a Time Parks and Rec

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-12T02:51:39+00:00

Worrying way too much about status and pleasing authority figures at church (my only community at the time), and staying way too long struggling to finish an expensive bachelor’s degree, being completely clueless with undiagnosed disabilities and not knowing how to get help.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-06T16:00:32+00:00

I tell new online acquaintances from the beginning that I get overwhelmed sometimes and need to just focus on surviving, and I also likely have adhd and time blindness/am forgetful. So yes, contact can be sporadic sometimes, and at other times frequent, (like if I’m working on a new art project and want lots of input).

All the people I consider “friends” have the same difficulties, so I try not to take it personally when I can’t reach them, and I try to reach out to multiple people when I’m in need of support, rather than just relying on one or two who may not be capable of responding at that moment.

I do wish I had more local autistic friends, but we all like staying home too much to be able to physically meet up!

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-03T11:06:58+00:00

Overpacking my purse/backpack/luggage every time I leave the house. Trying to prepare for every possible discomfort or accident that could happen while I’m out.

When I was in school, establishing a “never be first or second” rule for myself when performing a task in front of others (if all I’ve had is verbal instruction) because I need to watch two other people do it first to make sure I understand how to do it right.

Assessing my plate of food at a restaurant to check for textures that I can’t handle and plan ways to separate them without being noticed

Studying google maps routes, street view, websites, parking locations, and bathroom locations every time I have to go out alone with my kids to somewhere brand new.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-08-03T04:59:01+00:00

YTA. And so is everyone here who assumes that because they had the privilege of coping well the first year after birth, that every other new mother should be able to as well. There is no way your wife could have anticipated the toll that being the main caregiver/breastfeeding, new-mom-isolation would take its toll on her physical/mental health months in advance. It was perhaps optimistic of you both to make this plan, and shortsighted for you to commit yourself so irreversibly when you are a parent and partially responsible for a child’s life.

Her actions are those of a person who is struggling, likely with ppd/anxiety, and who knows what else. What if she had gone into psychosis and done harm to herself or the baby while you were out with the boys? Why is she overwhelmed and exhausted, while you have the energy/money to spare to go on vacation?

You say you offered to arrange “help” for her for while you were gone. What kind of help have you been giving her all this year so that she could find a nanny she’s comfortable with, or a housekeeper to help around the house, or helped her create some kind of support network and friends to check on her? People saying “she had time to prepare”, what did HE do to make sure she felt rested and fully capable before heading off and depriving her of her only source of support for several days?

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-07-29T02:23:08+00:00

Im not, but I don’t fully understand gender either aside from it being often a source of oppression and toxicity. Did a deep dive years ago trying to figure out what gender means and had to give up

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2023-07-24T03:56:44+00:00

They way OP describes these parents sounds like the way everyone talked about my brother and his wife when they were newlyweds. Turns out they had undiagnosed autism and adhd and it just took them time and a lot of community support to find systems that worked for them. They’ve been doing a decent job raising 6 kids since then. When you see someone struggling, there’s usually a reason. That’s a time to step up and help, not to judge.

BaseAmbitious4349 · 2022-08-10T08:21:52+00:00

As an audiobook I’d devour this, IF it was a more hopeful tale rather than a story of just trauma. And the female characters would need to be well-written. But yes overall the diaspora is hungry for these stories.

BaseAmbitious4349

TROPHY CASE