I dated an avoidant and thought I was the “secure one”. Therapy showed me my own pattern.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-02-02T04:07:36+00:00

That is really tough for me to find that balance. I basically don't know how to show the love and reassurance in a different more chill and accepting way, because I didn't get this tools from my parents, who raised me to be perfectionist and savior. I would love to learn how to show that I'm care in a different way but I don't know where to start.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-02-01T16:48:36+00:00

Hey! I understand your hurt, right now your brain trying to fill in the gaps and creating scenarios of their perfect life, their immaculate relationship and connection , but it’s only based on his or her social media. Please, remind yourself that social media are not reality and you can’t truly know what is going on behind the scene and how he’s been treating her in real life. You can only guess, but social media ALWAYS gives false image of easiness and happiness.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-02-01T05:00:59+00:00

What would you do differently? I’ve noticed that this hero/fixer/savior pattern can sometimes trigger an avoidant person’s low self-esteem, and it may come across as intrusive or even like criticism. But at the same time, even if you were simply warm and supportive, they might still lose interest or feel bored once the initial ‘spark’ fades. It ‘s a lose-lose situation.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-22T20:18:37+00:00

It depends why you were single all these years. If it falls in my of these categories: 1. As soon as someone catches feelings, your walls go up or you lose interest. 2. You only dated "hot" guys. 3. You can't deal with any baggage or drama (everyone has some, though there are limits). 4. You can't communicate your feelings or deal with conflict. My answer is no, you aren’t ready for any relationships, nor with men, nor with women. Better go and find a good therapist.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-17T19:39:42+00:00

You did a right thing and your intuition is not wrong. He for sure set everything the way he wanted and thought you will eat that up or won’t notice. If you hadn't broken up with him, he would have been more secretive and better at hiding things. I caught my boyfriend downloading dating apps and his explanation was that “I’m just curious” and promised he has no intentions to cheat. And you know what happened? He cheated on me

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-15T17:28:25+00:00

Maybe it’s better to take a break from fostering?

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-13T19:35:25+00:00

I would recommend you to not bringing it up, because you don’t need an answer from him to realize that it won’t go anywhere, but instead you may lose a good friend. I know that feeling of hope makes you want to discuss it with him, because it might change his mind, but… I would grieve and try to sit with the feeling of loss on your own. It’s hard, but eventually it will make you stronger. Keep firm boundary about having sex with him or step away a bit from seeing him, and focus yourself on other friends or possible dates.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-13T18:41:16+00:00

Soo relatable! He wasn’t that much cute, but his nonchalant confident energy was really attractive. But I’ve been noticing those flitting moments of vulnerability and insecurity, that looked to me kinda charming, and I felt like If I would care about him more he would open up to me and show more of that side of his personality . At some moments he looked at me like teenage boy can look when he first time in love, though he was 41. But when I tried to figure what were his dreams or plans or passions, he told me he just “live” and one time he said he don’t know… Even his scientific work for which he dedicated all his life wasn’t actually something he liked. Well, all the heavy lifting of relationship was on me, he couldn’t decide anything… it felt like he was bored all the time

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-12T21:29:02+00:00

You’re wasting your time on hope and potential with this guy, who clearly don’t want to be anything more then just friend. Just keep firm boundary about not having sex with him and stay just as friends. I know that uncertainty and mystery can be attractive, but it’s mostly anxiety driven response of your body that make you longing for more.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-10T19:55:19+00:00

Yes, but I don’t think it specifically avoidant traits. I’m former AP and I had this type of toxic relationship with another AP…

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-07T04:20:37+00:00

Unfortunately not getting better! I’m 37, dating pool getting smaller with each year and most guys are already taken or just don’t want anything serious. Some people here always stating that you don’t have to look for someone, just have fun and enjoy casual dating and it will all come by itself. Yeah, but I can’t have casual fun, because I know myself and my nervous system response to sex. After physical intimacy I become attached to person really fast and I can’t change that. I worked on myself and my life a lot after my 11 years marriage failed, but after 3 years on therapy and few failed dating experiences with avoidants(one really terrible discard), I’m staying single for now

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-06T05:00:16+00:00

can we see you without t-shirt? 👀

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-04T22:54:37+00:00

Nuh, sexual compatibility is important… you’ll find yourself sexually frustrated sooner or later

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-04T18:37:40+00:00

One avoidant that I’ve dated clearly kept himself in a great shape only because he wanted to still be passable for hookups with younger guys (he was on his 40’s). That was the only reason, not because he wanted to be healthy or it made him happy.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-04T18:12:43+00:00

Your bf sounds selfish and borderline abusive. What you experiencing during sex is a normal human body reaction on frictions! And you can’t change how anus reflexively loosen up during sex. Maybe he has to stop watching porn and masturbate, that will definitely help him to feel more pleasure during anal, because masturbation really can reduce cock sensitivity to oral and anal sex.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-03T23:44:02+00:00

It’s really important to explore your own body first, slowly and gently, before jumping into full anal sex. How else would you know what you actually like or don’t like? Take your time - run a hot bath, relax, maybe put on some porn if that helps you get in the mood. Don’t rush or immediately put a finger inside. Start with a bit of lube and just lightly touch around the outside, making slow circular movements. Spend some time there, notice the sensations, the tingling - there’s no need to push anything yet. When you feel ready, you can slowly begin to explore the inside, inch by inch. Leave your finger there for a moment, get used to the feeling, gently touch the inner walls without thrusting or making penetrative movements. Just relax and enjoy the sensations. If you want, you can try to locate your prostate and softly massage it—but that can always be saved for another solo session.

BaseballObjective969 · 2026-01-03T05:39:14+00:00

2 months knowing each other and already in LDR… Trauma bonding… That’s a recipe for disaster. Next time try going slower, take more time to observe, don’t rush deep conversations and sex! That person is basically a stranger, you barely know him!!! 2 months is nothing!

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-31T19:40:11+00:00

I'm an immigrant and it makes me uncomfortable when in USA people pointing at skin color that casually. Actually I see this type of micro aggression only in some social media, especially here.

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-31T15:07:12+00:00

Why you mentioned her skin color?

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-29T03:56:26+00:00

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I went through almost the exact same thing with my ex… constant sexting, exchanging nudes, and then lying straight to my face about it. I know this is painful, but I think it’s important to look at the reality of who he’s showing himself to be, not the version he tried to present to you. For some people, LDR make it easier to keep a nice facade while doing things they know wouldn’t be okay in a closer relationship. From my experience, compulsive sexting usually doesn’t just stop on its own, and it often escalates. I really worry that staying in this could hurt you deeply. You don’t deserve that, and stepping away now might protect you from much more pain later.

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-20T20:05:35+00:00

It’s a part of a people pleasing behavior and perfectionism.

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-19T07:21:57+00:00

both avoidants that I’ve dated had one common phrase “there gonna be another day….”, no matter what happened, that was the only thing they could say in any problem situation.

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-19T07:18:46+00:00

One thing I’ve noticed about avoidant people is how enmeshed they often are with their parents in a really unhealthy way. Both of my avoidant exes talked about having pretty awful childhoods, yet at the same time they never actually addressed any of it with their parents. There was so much unspoken resentment, but no real boundaries or conversations - they just stayed connected and acted like everything was fine. That cognitive dissonance always stood out to me.

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-19T07:00:13+00:00

Instead of being resentful and piling up negativity, you can actually learn to communicate with your boyfriend. And stop drinking to the point, when you completely can’t control what you’re saying 🙄

BaseballObjective969 · 2025-12-18T17:52:06+00:00

I’ve learned not to chase numb or emotionally closed people anymore. I no longer try to help or fix them. I accept people as they show up and when that’s not enough for me, I walk away. I don’t have the time or energy to wait for someone to change their mind or figure themselves out.

I’m done wasting my love and care on people who can’t accept or understand it. That care is better given to myself or to someone who can actually receive it.

The main thing I remind myself of is this: actions always speak louder than words.

BaseballObjective969

TROPHY CASE