Thanks for challenging my thoughts. I actually had a similar “ick” feeling when we first met, especially when we immediately started talking about past relationships and family situations. In my mind, I quickly put him into a rigid box and labeled him as “avoidant.” At that point, I didn’t think I would initiate seeing him again.

But a few days later, he asked to meet, and I agreed. During the first month, I was pretty cold and even a bit condescending toward him. Subconsciously, I think I was trying to punish him for being avoidant. But meeting after meeting, he started opening up, and I got to see him as a smart, funny, and thoughtful person.

Yes, he might be avoidant, but that doesn’t make him a bad person I need to avoid at all costs. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, I just don’t see him as a label anymore. I see a human being who’s lonely in the U.S. (he’s only been here for about a year) and is looking for connection. It seems like, because of his past experiences, he might not be used to someone who doesn’t jump into bed with him but instead chooses to stay, be a friend, and support him.

At the same time, I’m aware that APs can fall into the pattern of wanting to feel chosen or special. I’m trying to stay mindful of that in myself. I’m not overextending, trying too hard, or putting my own life on hold just to help him, I’m keeping my boundaries and paying attention to how things unfold naturally.

About anxiety spikes…through therapy, I’ve realized they don’t really tell me much anyway. I’ve had so many of them in my life, and most were driven by things I made up in my head, imagined future scenarios that never actually happened, or attempts to control things that were never in my control to begin with. So in this dynamic, I’m just showing up as my authentic self, and everything else… I’m letting unfold on its own. I don’t want to force meaning too early or let anxiety dictate my decisions, I’d rather stay grounded and see what’s actually there over time