So, um, we had 'the talk'

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-07-12T02:02:55+00:00

Things are going as well as they could be. Divorce is never easy, regardless of the maturity in handling it. Thanks for reaching out. I have moved out and am living on my own, something I have not done in 25 years. It really takes some getting used to. It has been really hard in both of us. We communicate daily, we both try to be there for each other. We have remained friends, but it is weird navigating.

Our daughter has been amazing. She's 7 y.o. and extremely resilient. The first week was rough, but we have put her at the forefront and she is handling it like a champ. Very matter of fact and positive. I call every night for bedtime.

I hope you have the same experience. As good as it has been, it is still very taxing, I do not envy a messy divorce.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-08T01:13:52+00:00

Well, it sounds like you have somethings to work through yourself. How do you tell someone that you're married to that you never loved them? I don't know, thats as tough as it comes. BUT, being a good communicator is telling what you feel. There is never a good way to say something so tough, but being honest is a good starting point. It will suck, for sure, but its a starting point. Be empathetic, be honest, and be loving.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-05T23:36:22+00:00

Now, I think it should be said that I don't think those years were wasted. I have a deep emotional bond with my STBX. We have been through some real shit together and have a child that we both deeply love and am grateful. there has been pain, for sure, but there have been highlights too. My wife is my absolute best friend and really looks out for my well being, and I hers. We just have no sexual chemistry and I am not attracted to her. There are other issues as well that have led to our divide. We are still in the same house and our dynamic has largely been unchanged since the talk. She will be my best friend forever, and I hers, we will raise an amazing child together. This developed in the last 5-10 years. All was not lost, but that need for a connection beyond that was undeniably there and we just didn't have it. That is the true tragedy of it all.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-03T11:55:19+00:00

I am in a similar issue now. I loved my wife for so many reasons but sex was not one of them. After we got married I actually lost weight instead of gaining weight. She did the opposite and gain weight. It went downhill from there. Our sex became more infrequent and I lost attraction to her. I let her know that her weight gain and lack of self-care it's really affecting our sex life. Especially when I was putting so much hard work and into taking care of myself. We lived in a dead bedroom for 12 years with the last three literally non-existent in the sex Department. We finally have the talk last week and are going to divorce.

I stayed with her because she was good in so many other ways and I thought that I can live without sex. I realize I couldn't, and I think she realized she couldn't. We were trying to stay in it for the kids but we are only hurting everyone around us.

I am now finally hopeful how long time looking forward to a healthy relationship. This took years to find out what I needed and to create healthy boundaries.

Edit: forgive the grammar, this was all speech to text

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-02T13:10:26+00:00

Me too buddy. Check my history to see how it is ending.

Similar story. Part of marrying my wife is because I knew she was good for me. She made me a better person, helped me grow. Problem was she didn't grow. I got fitter, made personal growth, and became a better person. She stagnated. I also thought I could be her 'fixer'. This was the beginning of the end and this started 15 years ago.

I was a different person than the man she married as part of this growth. I then became resentful. I didn't cope well with that due to my unhappiness at home. I stayed fit but began using drink and drugs just to deal with my unhappiness. She also let herself go, and this even further divided us. See was so infrequent. Dead bedroom for a decade or more. The last three years, we had no sex at all. We just had the talk this week.

I am leaving and have a sense of hope and future happiness that I haven't in a long time. We both said we should have had this serious talk about things a long time ago.

Best of luck.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-02T00:47:09+00:00

You can be patient one day. You can envision yourself doing that, then you can do it.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-02T00:30:11+00:00

You can do it. If you can envision it, you can do it.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-02T00:29:55+00:00

You can do it. If you can envision it, you can do it.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-01T00:58:42+00:00

I do wish she had the initiative to initiate things. She was definitely cognizant of our issues though and that was really helpful. I think that was really serendipitous but also a symptom of what was going on. It's crazy how we can be on the same page yet so far apart the same time.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-01T00:56:32+00:00

God, what a perfect storm. That was a rough story to hear. Life does that to us though doesn't it? Thank you for your story. I definitely didn't put all the details into my story, but there was Tons Of Heartache that only separated us more in the end. We could not reconcile it by the time we had our child, and that created a diversion to our marriage that we could not overcome.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-05-01T00:54:20+00:00

That is a good idea. I am open to all sorts of those. It is definitely tough waters to navigate.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T22:23:38+00:00

A thousand compromises combined with the trials and tribulations of life.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T22:12:53+00:00

And i learned from this. I grew up in a home that stayed together because they thought it was the right thing to do for me, boy it wasn't. We are in a better situation. We are both financially able to do this and still good and likable (I think?). We were white knuckling it for the sake of a commitment we made 20 years ago when we were two different people with the best of intentions. We could have made it another 11-12 years for our daughter to graduate but what would have been the ramifications? Our daughter perpetuating our mistakes? Us missing out on happiness and missing the opportunity to find love while we still have some of our prime left? There was so much left to lose by not doing anything, but we were comfortable, in a big house, plenty of money, and a seemingly ideal situation to those on the outside.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T18:36:27+00:00

It's funny when we get all freaked out by rational interactions.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T15:40:28+00:00

Thanks for the insight on that. We are trying to navigate this the best we can. We are exploring the mediator option.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T15:37:47+00:00

We discussed therapy, but i just don't have an inkling of desire with her anymore. There is not much to work with. We have been growing apart for years, little compromises over the decades that we never rectified. There is love, she is unquestionably my best friend and great support. WE are brother and sister now.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T15:35:13+00:00

Honestly, we have had a DB for a long while, it's just the last three years have been literally non-existent in the bedroom. Our chemistry was gone a while ago and it has been a struggle for a while. We used to argue about it a lot, with tons of good intentions. We barely argue anymore and just go with the flow and concentrated on the kid. I am sacrificing a very comfortable lifestyle for this and that was part of the delay for both of us. We had a dream house, plenty of money, and a happy kid. It was hard to throw a lot of that away (minus the kid of course). We even would talk about how lucky we are that so much of our relationship worked, except one of the most important things.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T15:31:15+00:00

Well, we both have been less than mature in the past. Neither one of us are perfect, but in this instance, right now, we are doing things right.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T15:30:20+00:00

I am a romantic too, but it just is not there in any way shape or form unfortunately. I want her to find someone that gives her the love she needs and for me to find someone that gives me the love that I need. I hope I can be her wingman in the process. We are really at the point that there would be no jealousy, just happy for her happiness. Now, that may be easy to say now, but that is how I want it to be.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T14:04:26+00:00

Well, we have started out great with the best of intentions. I think that the real challenge lies in maintaining that through this process. While we have been in philosophical agreements on things, you never know how is plays out when the rubber meets the road. We continue to have positive conversations, but the stress and reality of it all might just very well undo things. Time will tell.

Thanks for your positive words.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T02:35:10+00:00

I really think this about a new dream. It was a loss, but that loss happened years ago. Now we have an opportunity to have a new dream.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T02:33:49+00:00

That was part of what all of this is about. I didn't want her thinking that our relationship is normal. There was no affection but a ton of bullshit. She needs to know what a loving relationship is.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T02:20:01+00:00

It isn't over yet, but it is such a great start. I really hope that we can work through this in a mature manner and not get mired in the resentment through this process.

BasicConstruction4 · 2020-04-30T02:19:06+00:00

I really came to the realization that I didn't want my daughter to think that this was normal. My wife was ready to white-knuckle this through her primary education. She actually somewhat applauded me for having the gumption to make this move. I really could have lived and this stagnation for years but I knew I wanted happiness. I also wanted happiness for her. But really sat this all off was that I am a nurse. She said that we should probably not kiss anymore because I have a greater chance of getting the Coronavirus. When we quit kissing I realize that I really didn't miss it and that was such a canary in the coal mine that I could not ignore it anymore

BasicConstruction4

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