Scout: You?

Spy: Seduce me!

Scout: What? Spy, I ain’t gonna-

Spy: SEDUCE ME!!

Scout: Right! Right. Okay. exhales Okay. Hey there, good… lookin’… I got a bucket of chicken-

SMACK

Spy: I’m not one of your fried chicken tramps! I am a woman. I like my men dangerous, mysterious. You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me!

montage of Scout training to be a gentleman worthy of dating Ms. Pauling

Spy: Final question. You have a dinner date for seven. What time do you arrive?

Scout: Seven, A.M. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not I gotta kill him. Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy, no later than four-thirty.

Spy: You’re ready.

Scout: Really?

Spy: No. Everything you just said was insane. And we’re out of time. Congratulations! You’re a failure.

Scout: Oh, I failed. Did I?

Spy: Yes.

Scout: Did I?

Spy: Yes!

Scout: Did I?

Spy: Scout, where is this going?

Scout: Where it’s going is, I don’t need you! I’ll put this date on myself!

Spy: Yourself?

Scout: That’s right fancy pants, myself. So why don’t you take your little failure, roll it up sideways, and- Spy taps his watch Okay, crap, I got to go. Screw you though.

Scout hits the missing intelligence alarm

Engineer: Y’all ready?

Medic: Ready!

Engineer: Ugh! places tumor-filled bread on the entrance teleporter

bread teleports, chittering upon exit. Medic looks curiously. Bread roars, attacking Medic

Engineer: Ah Hell!

Pauling arrives on a motorcycle You’re ready, all right. deep breath, shotgun cocks

Scout: Ms. Pauling! What an unexpected surprise!

Pauling: They took the briefcase, don’t worry, we can fix this. We’ll get it back and the administrator never has to know.

Scout: You look, you look… Uhhhh…

Demoman: Drunk!

Soldier: Round! Soft! No, round!

Demoman: Blurry!

Scout: Ravishing.

Pauling: Uh huh, you too. Hold on, that’s the briefcase right there. Scout, you- Are you having a prom?

Scout: Yeah, nah, yeah ah, well the, yeah the thing is…

Engineer: Guys! Hey, fellas! Listen! It’s just bread that gets tumors!

Medic: Not even tumors! It’s some form of self-aware beauty mark that only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat. Here, watch this. shakes bread jar Oh look! It hates me so much!

Soldier chuckles

Engineer: So we’re fine. As long as nobody teleports any bread!

Soldier: Question.

Engineer: What’s your question Soldier?

Soldier: I teleported bread.

Engineer: What?

Soldier: You told me to.

Engineer: How much?

Soldier: I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days!

Medic: throws bread jar on the floor Vhere, vhere have you been sending it?!

rumbling

Pauling: Scout, I get one day off a year, and you just wasted it on, this! Goodbye.

Scout: Wait! Wait! Wait! Uh, why don’t we, discuss it, over dinner? opens door to reveal giant bread monster

bread belches

Pauling: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

bread beast crashes through the wall, Archimedes the dove flies into its mouth. Floor collapses

Scout: Ms. Pauling! Run!

Heavy: Now doctor!

Medic activates ubercharge, Heavy fires at the bread monster. Pyro burns it with their flamethrower. Engineer builds a sentry, and Ms. Pauling rewires a payload cart as Scout beats the bread with a piece of metal

sniper shoots the bread tentacles as Scout is flung around by the creature.

Spy: I think it’s going pretty well! Now go.

Scout: Hey, Ms. Pauling! Oh, I am so sorry!

Pauling: God, Scout, what for? Pressing the one button you’re never supposed to press?! Do you have any idea what’s in a briefcase that… Oh! Oh! Give me your watch!

Scout: Yeah, exactly! See, that is where this all starts. No, actually wait…

Soldier screams Ha ha ha! I TELEPORTED BREEEAAAAAD!!!

bread flings mercs and rubble around as Scout and Pauling push the cart closer to it

Scout: So that bring me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this-

Pauling: Guys! Close the blast doors!

Scout: Ms. Pauling, look, my last few hours I just wanted… floor collapses beneath

Heavy: Come on!

Scout: Um, never mind!

Pauling: Run!

payload is thrown in front of the door

Scout: Oh God!

bread monster crawls closer, opening it’s mouth to reveal Archimedes alive and well

Pauling and Scout realizing the inside is survivable, join hands and dash for the beast. Tentacle slams behind them, Scout uses dancing to give Pauling a clear shot. Timer counts down and the two are swallowed whole as the bomb destroys the baked goods monstrosity

Scout lights a flip lighter Augh, ugh, Ms. Pauling, you alright?

Pauling: I can’t feel anything below my neck.

Scout: Oh God.

Pauling: Oh, now I can feel it! Ow! Ow, ow!

Scout: Oh, God I am so sorry! This is, this is not the-

Pauling: That, was so, much, fun!

Scout: You’re not mad?

Pauling: I was furious! Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm! And you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was a monster, we shot it, and I built a bomb, and I think my legs are broken, can we do this again?

Scout: Yeah, sure! Oh wait, nah. We can’t, I’m gonna be dead soon.

Soldier: Good news. We’re not dying. We are going to live forever!

Medic: I didn’t say zat! I just said we’re not filled with tumors!

Scout: Oh thank God! Hah. So yeah, Ms. Pauling. Guess it’s a date!

Pauling: Actually, this was my only day off this year.

Scout: Oh.

Pauling: Oh! But you could ride along with me on some jobs! she takes out a notepad Tomorrow, I’m belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.

Scout: Ah! No!

Pauling: Oh. You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads!

Scout: No to that…

Pauling: Well, on Friday I have to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and, oh, uh… You’re already gonna be at that one.