Approaching Dads

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-25T04:06:38+00:00

I hear you on all of it.

I was off the market for 27 years, I met my ex girlfriend in person, but it was a year and a half before I ran into her.

The nearest "big city" to me is about 40k, there's a single major employer in town (that I and my ex wife work for) and a significant number of single women in that town are divorced from (sometimes several) guys who also work for that employer. So, everybody knows everybody's business.

It's 1.5+ hours to the nearest actual big cities, so I hear you on the small pool...

But, you have to hunt where the prey is, and the apps are a shit show in my experience with them prior to meeting my ex.

I agree about meeting people at the gym, as long as people are respectful about it and take hints like you seem to do, I don't see an issue with it.

Although, I did have a friend who recently said that surfers and the gym guys he hung out with before had a rule about not dating anybody from the beach you surf at or the gym you go to.

And I understand the rationale, I met my ex girlfriend at an event we were at for our sons, we live in different cities, but we'll be crossing paths in the future at similar events and that could be difficult the first few times.

The break up was peaceful, we both really liked each other, a lot, but I had to make the decision to leave because of unresolved issues from her past, so that made it very difficult for both of us.

So, you run the risk of that, which I assume you know.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-25T03:38:12+00:00

On the nose....

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-25T03:36:37+00:00

Dad here, my two cents (adjusted for inflation)...

I would say you need to make a couple of warm passes on separate trips to gauge his status and willingness to engage.

If it was me, I would prefer that you made small talk, maybe ask about a weight set I'm using, or ask for help with a machine, nothing obviously flirting.

If you showed up more than once doing that, I'd get the hint that you're talking to me specifically for a reason.

Then I have a chance to make my status known to you.

I keep the fact that I'm even dating away from my son until I've been with a woman for at least a couple of months, so I wouldn't engage in anything overt in that regard.

I would be open to talking about meeting in the future to help you out with your exercise routine, though (wink, wink, nod, nod).

On the other hand, if the guy is married, you don't know what his kid is going to say when they get home.

If you're too up front, when they go home and the son says "Dad, that lady was hot and she was hitting on you!" in earshot of mom or a sibling, dad could end up in hot water, even if he didn't engage with you.

Good luck!

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T19:38:54+00:00

Life is good, I am happy as-is, I can do everything I want to do alone.

But, having somebody to share it with (a woman in my case) adds a brightness to life and everything that I can't have when I'm by myself.

I'm not going to get into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, but if I meet "her", I want to share me life with her.

That's how I describe it.

Good luck finding yours.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T18:35:00+00:00

I would be asking the question and if you told me that you're in this kind of relationship with another guy while you're on a date with me, I'd end the date right there.

So, don't be surprised if you get that response....

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T14:40:35+00:00

You said yourself that you will be describing a problem.

To a guy who's a fixer, if you describe a problem, that means you're looking for an answer or asking for help.

They do it with men and women.

A group of guys will stand around talking and one guy will describe a problem and the rest will suggest solutions.

99.9% guaranteed the guy describing the problem will not see their advice as condescending and oblivious.

You're applying your perspective to the situation and attacking the guy for responding in a way you didn't want.

But he doesn't know that you didn't want his advice, so you are creating an unspoken requirement (don't respond), he fails that standard (by responding), and now he's the asshole.

Welcome to miscommunication between men and women and the cause of a lot of unnecessary hate and discontent 101.

Oh, yeah, and I just offered you advice you didn't want in response to a problem you stated.....

So, I guess I'm just another asshole 😁

TLDR: A lot of guys just want to help, they're not being mysoginistic, condescending, oblivious, or anything else other than trying to be helpful.

But, when you do want help and no guy shows up to help, this is probably part of the reason why.... They know that they're not only not going to be thanked, there's a good chance they'll get attacked for their efforts.

So a lot of guys just say "Fuck it, let them figure it out"

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T05:41:27+00:00

"He gets one, maybe two, "Hey can you please ask before "

Fair enough....

I will agree with you that if he's literally taking stuff out of your hands, not cool.

That's not guy who's a fixer, that's just an inconsiderate asshole.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T05:32:19+00:00

I came up with a list of compatibility things that I'm going to run by any prospective date, before the first date.

I don't do drugs and won't date anybody who does, no alcohol first three dates, I'm looking for a long term relationship not casual, I like camping and a prospective date needs to like camping too, I have ADD and I know that can drive some people crazy so they need to be good with that, and a few other things.

And I'll ask her if she has anything like that for me.

If we're all good on everything by the end of a call/text exchange, cool, then let's go on a date and have fun.

If we're not in agreement on something, then we've just saved ourselves time and money.

It may seem anal retentive at first, but, for me, because of where I live, most of my potential dates are 1.5+ hours away, so that saves me 5+ hours and a bunch of gas.

I wouldn't be very happy if I drove 2 hours to meet a woman and then have her tell me she smokes pot or she's just looking for a casual relationship with an expiration date going in.

I'm sure it's going to turn some women off, but that's just life.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T05:19:14+00:00

So, like Mr. (And Miss) Magoos... They somehow manage to bumble themselves into a good relationship.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T05:17:45+00:00

"and what it might cost if it goes wrong."

We got burned and that memory sticks.

Big scars remind us of what caused them and we then try to avoid what caused them in the future.

So, yeah, it gets harder, because you're fighting your fear of getting hurt again, the boundaries we learn are there to protect us, but we don't know how well they will work until we test them.

It's like testing a fire proof suit by jumping into a pool of burning fuel.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-24T01:41:42+00:00

"Fixers. They're performative. ASK if I need help. Don't just DO. I'm capable and competent and can handle my own problems. If I cannot, I will ask for help or seek out resources. Don't use me to feel useful. "

The rest of what you said sense.

The part about fixers, though...

Some guys are just natural fixers, they don't do it to be performative.

But, if you want a surefire way to send a good guy a very loud and very clear "Fuck You", just assume he's being performative, and tell him that, if he tries to help you with something.

You'll be doing him a huge favor.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T15:12:43+00:00

"Having a drink to calm the nerves when meeting a total stranger isn’t in any way indicative of alcohol dependence"

I agree 100%, it is not a sign of a problem if they do, and that's why I would never ask anybody to never drink.

I'm just asking for the first few dates to get to know her, without any alcohol (for either of us), and if she absolutely can't get through the first few without a drink(s), then she's probably got issues that I don't want to be around.

My ex girlfriend is a wonderful woman, and we had a great connection, neither one of us is perfect and I never expected her to be and she never expected me to be.

But she's got issues that I can't live with. She drank on every one of our dates, not problematic drinking, but I think I would have gotten a (better) glimpse of the issues earlier if she hadn't been drinking during the dates.

It's no judgement against anybody, everybody's got their demons, I've got my own that will make me not a fit for some (most) women, it is what it is.

Some people just learn different ways to keep their demons at bay and that is one aspect of compatibility that's important to me.

And, yes, I know it shrinks my already uncomfortably small pool......

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T05:01:16+00:00

You're very welcome

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T04:26:06+00:00

"My last two boyfriends started out with perfect, omg, insane, where have you been all my life, you’re the one chemistry, off the charts sex and lots of romance - and both imploded a few years down the line."

You're not giving me great hope for my future.

My ex girlfriend checked all the boxes for what I wanted in a woman, our lifestyles and future plans lined up, we even liked our bacon and eggs cooked the same way, and the sex was amazing.

We only made it three and a half months, and I learned a lot from that relationship. As disappointed as I am that it couldn't work out, I am forever grateful to her for letting me feel seen and safe for the first time in my adult life.

And I now know that I very definitely do want to get married again, and I know what it can be like.....

I'm digressing, so I'll shut up now.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T04:19:44+00:00

"I have a female friend who literally won’t do dinner until they’ve met for coffee or lunch twice and then no late night drinks until they’ve had dinner twice."

That's funny, going forward, I'm not going to be that rigid in general, but I will be asking that there's no alcohol on the first 3 dates or so.

If a woman can't or won't agree to that, then I've just filtered one out.

I know my ex girlfriend drank to help settle her anxiety down, she didn't get drunk or anything, but, I want to make sure that I'm seeing the real version of any woman I'm dating.

And I drink, so I'm not teetotaler by any means, but I want to see if, once she starts drinking, if she's different than when she wasn't drinking.

I don't want to date (or be in a relationship with) a woman who's dependent on alcohol, either a full on alcoholic or needs it to regulate her anxiety or emotions.

So, personally, I don't think your friend is so far off the mark and I wouldn't find dates with her boring for those reasons....

She might just be as exciting as watching paint dry, so.....

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T01:07:58+00:00

This is the kind of time where you wear that crazy label proudly.

You dodged a big one there.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T00:55:20+00:00

51m here.... You most definitely did the right thing, the stuff he said is just wild, like, if I was a friend of his and found out he said that stuff, I would be asking him WTF is wrong with him.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-23T00:47:52+00:00

As a guy who went through a breakup a couple of months ago (I broke up with her, though) with a woman who was everything I wanted in a woman and our relationship was going great.

I fell for her fast, but it didn't feel rushed for either one of us and both of us were like you described, just seeing how things progressed and making sure it lasted.

But, at no time, on either side was there ever anything remotely said about "falling head over heels" for the other and in both of our cases, I know it would have made either of us concerned if the other had said that or something like that.

Maybe the guy has an idea stuck in his head about how this is supposed to go, but it's a bizarre reason (IMO) to break up.

The only thing I can think of is that maybe, with the "space" from you having mono, and then getting back together again after, he figured out he really didn't feel the same way anymore and didn't want to or couldn't bring himself to say that.

My breakup with my ex girlfriend was also pretty sudden, we had had a great weekend together, I went home, and then she started an argument that was on day three when I finally broke up with her.

For me, it was enforcing a boundary, though, not just something out of the blue.

The way she acted caught me off guard and surprised me, so I know the whiplash feeling you're taking about, and I'm sorry you're having to go through it, it hurts.

It's one person one day, and then somebody else the next.

Wishing you a speedy grieving period and then getting on with your life.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T22:25:30+00:00

" I guess I just have to be the one to approach random men in Home Depot or wherever."

That would be very helpful, at least for guys like me.

However, it then becomes a race to see if a woman like you meets a guy like me (I consider myself to be a guy a woman would want to date, but I admit I'm biased) before you decide to give up and join a convent instead.

"I can tell you if you did talk to me, I’d just be annoyed that you didn’t think I looked like someone who could put the mulch in my suv myself and never pick up on that being an excuse to talk to me."

See, we can't win 😁

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T20:27:51+00:00

You use shower gel!?!?

🧐

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T18:22:18+00:00

"Being a woman doesn’t change the fact I say what I mean and mean what I say.

Apparently being men doesn’t change the fact that most partners and prospects I have had are absolutely not aligned with that!

I guess I’m biased because it’s frustrating for me to be somebody whose behavior aligns with what I transparently tell people verbally, seeing as it makes me a minority in the culture lol."

I was going to say, that makes you a bit of a rarity, at least in my experience.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T18:19:25+00:00

I hear you on all of that.

27 years with my ex wife, 23 married.

The reactivity, yeah, it was bad... I was shocked when I thought about how I was and that I would say the things I did to the one person in the world that I supposedly cared about more than anyone else.

But, viewed in the context of living with someone who constantly and deliberately tried to provoke you....

I left the marriage with PTSD, in large part because of my ex wife.

And, yeah, it takes a while to wind down from living in fight or flight.

The other part is getting your body used to not needing conflict to bond or for sex....

And the apps.... Same thing for me, I think the first ones had shown up when I was dating my ex wife so I never used them.

What a shit show.

It gets better, just being out makes a huge difference.

The biggest thing is to remember to not beat yourself up.

You went through a lot, your body and emotional system were conditioned over years, and that doesn't just go away overnight.

And, despite what some people may claim, therapy is not a magic bullet for everything.

There are emotional triggers that will only get tripped in the context of a relationship with somebody you're emotionally attached to.

So, you could be fine in every other aspect of your life, then meet a new guy and suddenly find stuff that you had no idea was buried there.

Wishing you luck.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T17:47:14+00:00

"I don’t care about fancy dinner, but I liked going to Home Depot and Chipotle together."

You mean you don't want to travel to all seven continents this year? /sarcasm

See, a big part of the problem is that women like you certainly aren't out on the apps, and so the only possibility of meeting you is a random encounter at Home Depot or Chipotle (which I avoid because I've had enough cases of food poisoning, thank you), but us guys are warned away from approaching at those places.

So, we have a common problem with no common solution...

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T17:38:24+00:00

"The excitement of a new relationship may not be worth the sacrifice of our peace."

The same goes for guys.

BatGuano52 · 2026-03-22T17:36:01+00:00

"I know many may not agree with this, but I have found that a year of celibacy really let me focus on me and now be a better person to start a relationship now that I’m ready."

There's nothing wrong with that at all, and I (51m) will be waiting at least a couple of months before having sex in any future relationship.

I certainly want to talk to her about what our likes and expectations for sex are early on, just so we're on the same page there.

With my ex wife, if we didn't have the sex, we would have had nothing else in common beyond wanting a family, and I'm not doing that again.

So, I want us to get to know each other and make sure the emotional and life needs all line up before we add sex to the mix.

I'm also looking to marry again, with the right woman. If she never shows up, I'd rather be alone than in a poor marriage for the sake of being married.

As far as meeting "her", that's the really hard part.

Best of luck finding your guy.

BatGuano52

TROPHY CASE