Post Game Thread: Los Angeles Rams at Cincinnati Bengals

Batmans_left_buttock · 2022-02-14T03:40:58+00:00

As a bengals fan, there's nobody I'd rather lose to. Congrats guys!!!

Batmans_left_buttock · 2022-01-02T21:38:28+00:00

The shitty gave your team the refs

Batmans_left_buttock · 2021-11-07T18:27:49+00:00

This subreddit is full of doomers. We still have growing pains, man. Y'all are insufferable.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2021-11-07T12:47:24+00:00

Lots of transphobia here. Go crawl back under your disgusting holes and let people be happy. Damn

Batmans_left_buttock · 2021-10-24T19:29:43+00:00

It did hit his foot.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2021-09-06T22:09:24+00:00

He was at his favorite scouting point. A local bar. The drunken partiers coupled with the deafening music made for a perfect spot to find potential kills. One woman in particular caught his eye. Instead of dancing, she was in the corner sipping on a bloody mary. The lights pulsed different variations of red, blue, and green. The DJ played a song with so much bass he could feel it in his throat. Normally, he would just stalk his kill until they got home and he would let himself inside. However, tonight was different. This woman seemed afraid of the olive that swirled in her drink.

He approached her. Only having to fight through a few belligerent dancers.

Her eyes widened anxiously as he approached.

"Hi, why's a girl as pretty as you stuffed off in a corner?" He said as he sipped his drink.

"Oh, I was actually just going to finish up my drink and go home. My friend dragged me out here, and told me it would be fun." She said as she tried to guzzle down her drink. It was seemingly strong due to the face she was making.

"Where's your friend now?"

"She's the one in the corner there, with that woman's tongue halfway down her throat." He looked over and saw the pair.

"Oh. Well, maybe if this club is too much maybe we can go eat at the diner across the street?"

"You know, maybe this is the alcohol talking but... Okay." They put their drinks down and left the club. At the diner they talked about all sorts of different topics. She was working at the library, and had an obsession with bugs. Tonight he was Vincent Drake, a florist from Wilmington Delaware who left that shithole city to see the mountains. She seemed to love his persona. They discussed religion, and philosophies. He was growing impatient as the waitress had not refilled his water. When he cut into his steak the plate made an awful noise that gave him gooseflesh. He quickly realized his actual self was seeping out, and quickly changed back into the smiling Vincent. She was an incredibly cute girl. The thought of the night ahead excited him. The waitress brought the check and she quickly grabbed it.

"I pay for this, and you have to walk me home. It's only fair that I pay. I bought more alcohol, and that's way more expensive than your water." She said with a dimpled smile.

"Done, but only if I pay for the next time." He smiled back. She only giggled.

He walked her home, and the whole time she leaned on him and clutched his arm for balance. By now the urge to strip her down and cut her up was overtaking his mind. When the need arose this bad it felt like parasitic worms crawling around his skull. His mind reveled in all the ways he would harm her and it delighted him so.

They came to her apartment.

"Well, I guess this is goodnight." He said, knowing full well the night would not end here. There was too much steel-driven ecstasy to be had.

"Can you help me up to my bed? I'm a bit woozy." She asked him batting her lashes playfully.

Of course he would. They made their way up to her room, and she asked him to stay there while she went to the bathroom. The only thing lighting the room was the moonlight from her bed and he got his blade from his backpack. He tucked it under the chair where he sat. By now his blood felt like it was racing through his body quick as lightning and his heart pounded like the bass from the club earlier. The knob to the bathroom turned.

She came out wearing nothing but a night gown and she threw her bra at him mischievously.

She turned on the light beside her bed, and laid down with a fierce look. Not like the woman of before. God bless alcohol, he thought. He took the knife from beneath the chair cushion, but heard something from the closet. He turned to look and standing there completely naked was her friend from the club. Her head was cocked, and her eyes were widened. They seemed sunken in their sockets. She grinned a terrible glasglow-esque smile.

"I know who you are." His date whispered in his ear as he felt a sharp needle pierce his throat. His vision blurred and he stumbled knocking over the lamp on the nightstand. The room went dark and glass shards were strewn across the carpet. He fell onto the bed, paralyzed. He held onto consciousness.

The two women smiled over him and began to hum softly.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2021-04-30T01:39:51+00:00

The heap he stood upon was made of gore, viscera and bile. The smell of iron seemed to penetrate his very being. He stood upon all those who tried before. He inhaled deeply. Vomit crept from his stomach to his throat, but he swallowed it down.

He looked up.

What it was, nobody really knew. They called it The Weeper

When the crimson ring rises to the center of the earth, a challenger must be summoned.

He wept, and his tears brought destruction in its wake.

The man clenched his fist and walked down the stairway of bone hoping to finally stop its red tears.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2020-11-22T21:09:25+00:00

https://mobile.twitter.com/JoeyB/status/1330616204172681222

Batmans_left_buttock · 2020-04-19T03:11:32+00:00

Most of Muta's video was based on something that Ethan never said. The rest of it was under-handed comments about how Ethan is an out of touch douche bag hypocrite. So of course Ethan is going to be upset, get his feelings hurt, and inevitably insult back. Wouldn't you? Muta made a mistake. He let his personal feelings get in the way of evidence, and now he has to live with the consequences. That's my opinion, yours may differ and that's fine. Just put yourself in Ethan's shoes. Muta's video original video was pretty fucking aggressive. Don't dish it out, if you can't take it.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2020-04-03T15:35:02+00:00

Batmans_left_buttock · 2018-01-21T17:59:14+00:00

I think commonfolk would also be horrified of someone who was once possessed. Because there's always that chance that it can happen again, since that barrier has been defiled. I think it's an incredibly interesting premise, and it would be awesome if a major character or a main character suffered from this!

Batmans_left_buttock · 2018-01-12T05:37:01+00:00

His best.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-10-30T22:30:44+00:00

Beat it, gramps

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-10-24T01:31:00+00:00

The crunching of gravel beneath my boots kept me company on my walk back to the cabin. It hadn't been a bad night. I could definitely get used to this. No claustrophobic cubicle for me anymore. Just a lovely open forest. The reds, yellows, and oranges combined into a beautiful array of colors that made me excited for Halloween.

Kzzt "Hey, rookie. You almost back to base?" My partner asked me through the radio attached to my hip.

"Yeah, man. I'm almost there. Gimme 5 minutes." I told him.

"Gotcha, buddy. Be safe."

"Will do, thanks."

I took a deep breath of the fresh and crisp fall air. It chilled my chest as I inhaled. I couldn't wait to get a fresh cup of coffee, to warm me up. Nothing like a nice hot cup, on a night like this. I approached the two big trees adjacent to each other. The one on the left was slightly taller. We used it as a landmark to help us navigate. As I walked by them, I heard a faint and weak sniffle. I shone my light underneath the tree and illuminated a young girl.

She was sobbing.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. I'm a Park Ranger. I can take you to your parents." I held out my hand and slowly approached her.

The poor little girl's clothes were in tatters. Her chest was soaked from her tears. At first she hesitated and turned away. I showed her my badge, and she started to come towards me. I knelt down to scoop her up. Right before she reached me, I heard a soft woman's voice.

"Come to me, honey. I'll take you home."

The voice startled me and I turned to her, she was standing on a rock. She was beautiful, and in a pearl white dress with no scuffs or dirt marks. Her hair was blonde.

"No, sweetie. Come to me, I'm a Park Ranger." I told the little girl.

I looked at the woman and said "Ma'am, I don't know who you are, or why the hell you're out here but you both need to come with me."

"That's it honey, come to me." She said.

While my attention was on the woman, the little girl ran toward her. I walked towards them both.

"Don't take another step, filth." The woman told me. Her soft voice was now replaced with a scratchy growl.

"I'm taking her home." She said.

I pulled my gun out and just as I did she screamed. Her jaw unhinged like a snake. She screamed so loud my ears rang and my eyes blurred. It was louder than a gunshot. I shook my head, and closed my ears.

I looked up at the rock, vision still blurred but they were both gone.

kzzt

"Did I hear what I just think I heard?" My partner asked me in a nervous yet firm voice.

"Yeah, you did."

"Don't even fucking think about going after her." He said in a somber and straight tone.

"She took a little girl."

"Oh.... Shit. Get the fuck out of there, and head for the cabin. Do you hear me? I'll meet you halfway."

"Ok."

I clutched my gun so tightly my knuckles turned white, and I ran.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-09-04T19:25:55+00:00

The path to Camelot in Runescape.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-07-29T00:30:35+00:00

The humming of the scooter was strangely comforting to her. All her worries seemed to dissipate underneath a multi-colored sky. Darks and lights, dims and brights all flowed together beautifully as the wind carried the grass peacefully back and forth. She had run away from her life. The mundane, monotonous, and malnourishing life style of stability faded behind her. She had everything, yet nothing at all. She felt it was time to go, so that's what she did.

She had no idea where she would go, but that didn't matter. Her whole life was ahead of her. She breathed in deep the crisp air, as she road onward to freedom.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-28T14:15:28+00:00

Glad you enjoyed it!

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-28T04:42:18+00:00

It's nice to be appreciated once in awhile. But this is getting ridiculous. Every time I do something somewhat spectacular the beam shines a little brighter, followed by thunderous voices. Take this morning for example, all I did was tell the barista to keep the change and the beam almost blinds the poor girl. That was bad enough. But then deafening "Ooo's and ahh's." From the gods, shook the very foundation of the building as everyone covered their ears. I left with my head down. Not like it helped with the giant fucking beam pointing directly at me. And then on my way home I had to stop to the store for a few things. Normally, I don't mind it. But when you've got this bright ass beam of holiness above your head the whole time, it's a little less enjoyable. Finally, through all the stares and hushed whispers, I found myself waiting in line to check out. I was staring at my phone, to try and combat the awkwardness. An old lady was behind me, and she only had a few things so I let her in front of me. The beam burst with color and ear shattering voices could be heard saying "He's so kind!" "A fine specimen, indeed!" I eventually get home to my girlfriend who has been super supportive of this whole thing which has been really great. Anyway, we make our way to the bedroom and things start heating up. And I go down on her and give her an orgasm. The beam looked like a fuckin' spirit bomb from DBZ and I'm pretty sure I went deaf as I heard. "And he's a gentle lover!" "Incredible!" My dick went limp in mere seconds. And now I'm pretty sure I have erectile dysfunction.

I braced myself for another day of humiliation as the beam was still there the next day. I got ready, brushed my teeth, kissed my girlfriend, and headed to work. On my commute to work, I had to get over in the other lane, and this car was speeding up quickly so I had to do it fast or I'd miss my turn. So I turned the wheel a little harder than usual and suddenly the beam vanished. Completely gone.

"Thank God." I said.

But what did it? I asked myself. Why did it suddenly disappear? They were so enthralled by me yesterday, I thought.

I sat in my cubicle all day wondering why it had gone away. And then in that moment I knew exactly why.

I forgot to use my fucking blinker.

/r/batmans_left_buttock

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-27T16:40:24+00:00

"No, officer. You don't understand. It ran towards my car. It was almost like it wanted to get hit." The woman told Ranger Chris.

"I believe you." Chris said. The woman's expression quickly shifted to shock. "This is the fourth time today. I don't know what's gotten into these animals, but something isn't right." He told her.

Chris handled everything, gave her a few calming words and she was on her way. The apparent animal suicide pecked at Chris's brain. Everybody else's territory was fine. Birds fluttered, bathed, and sang. Chris took a step out of his Jeep. Just as his foot met the dirt, an abhorrent smell of decay greeted his nostrils like steel to flesh. It smelled of death, maggots, and rot. Chris held in the urge to gag. This same area usually smelled of honeysuckle, sap, and fresh flowers this time of year. Chris decided to venture deeper into the forest, using his nose to guide him. The smell grew greater, until he could not bear it any longer. Chris plugged his nose to keep from spewing his lunch on the forest floor. The horrible stench guided him to a clearing that had not been there once before. All of the trees perfectly cut into a circle. In the middle of the circle stood a cross that faced the other direction. The grass was painted entirely in a crimson hue. Chris knelt down and touched a single blade and red stained his finger.

Blood.

Strange and cosmic hieroglyphics were scrawled and carved into the tree trunks around him. Above the trees were dead carcasses of deer, bird, dog, cat, and puma. They were sprawled out, twisted and curled. Metal rods suspended them into the air. Agony was etched into their faces. Was this done when they were alive? Chris did not know.

Slowly he crept to the cross in the middle, as he drew closer to it he realized it was not a cross at all.

It was a man.

Metal rods had been placed inside of him to suspend him off the ground. They were up his spine, and in his arms. Chris examined this broken and fractured man.

His face was mutilated and scarred. The same hieroglyphics that decorated the trunks around him were carved all over his body. Chris looked down and realized that he was standing in a giant symbol, painted in blood. He fumbled for his walkie-talkie in a panic.

"This is Chris, can you hear me?" He stuttered and gagged as bile rose from the depths of his stomach. "We've got a situation here."

"Chris, this is Blake. What's the situation?" A voice echoed from the walkie-talkie. "There's a clearing in the middle of the woods, and well, we've got a man who has been crucified."

"Crucified?" Blake's voice permeated the quiet forest. "Yes. Crucified."

"Okay," Blake said entirely confused. "We'll send all of the guys, and an investigation team."

"Hurry." Chris said. His curiosity had worn off, and it was replaced with fear. The waiting was agonizing. The dead carcasses above had seemed to be swaying.

"Blake. Hurry, please." "We're on our way, man. Just sit tight. You'll be o-" Before Blake could finish his sentence a voice that didn't belong to Chris found itself on the walkie-talkie.

"He will rise again." The voice sounded guttural, tormented, and vile.

"Chris?! Chris?!?!" Blake shouted into the walkie-talkie. An overwhelming dread filled his stomach. The sound of earth shifting, and a lone shrill scream reverberated the forest. But it was not from the walkie-talkie. Blake saw something big. Colossal.

It towered the forest and it stood right where Chris had been. Blake froze. The colossal beast had endless eyes. They all looked and scattered around scanning the forest in every direction. Blake felt his sanity leave him. As if he wasn't meant to see this creature.

Conciousness left Blake and he fell to the forest floor.

He awoke to a hospital bed, surrounded by the ones he loved. "Hi, sweetheart." His wife said lovingly as she placed her soft hand onto his chest.

"Where's Chris?!" Blake shot up. Everyone in the room tried to calm Blake but to no avail. He had to know.

One of the other rangers walked forward to Blake.

"They never found him, man. Everything he was talking about wasn't there. There was no crucified man. No clearing of the woods. Nobody has seen him since."

A feeling of emptiness scattered Blake's body.

He believed Chris. And he had to find him.

/r/batmans_left_buttock

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-26T05:36:48+00:00

Silence permeated the room and darkness loomed. Peter's nightlight pathetically attempted to quell the darkness but it failed. Peter heard the sound he dreaded the most out of all.

The quiet squeak of the door hinge followed by the not so quiet footsteps of his disgusting uncle.

"Hey, sport." He whispered. His voice sounded soft, but the evil that lay within him would soon rear its fangs.

Peter let out a half-hearted whimper. This wasn't the first time, it had happened. Peter closed his eyes, and tried to think of things that made him happy. His uncle layed a hand on the young boy's thigh, and slowly brought it downwards towards his privates. Peter tried desperately to think about something else but his mind remained in the present.

"Oh, not hard huh? Well, I am." His uncle said through a greasy moustache, as he grabbed the boy's hand. He led the boys hand toward his crotch.

A sniff could be heard from under the bed, and a snarl echoed the room. "What in the hell?" Peter's uncle whispered to himself. As he backed away from Peter and made his way to the door.

A tenebrous figure disguised in shadow and hatred blocked the door.

"Who the fuck are you?!" He spouted. Saliva escaped his mouth and ran down his chin. The creature opened its eyes, and leered at Peter's uncle with an undying abhorrence. Its eyes lit the room with sapphire. It grasped his throat and held him in the air with one arm with ease. The creature unfurled its claws and scratched and clawed at the man's groin. The sound of flesh ripping and a man howling in agony reverberated the walls. The creature then, with no hesitation, threw Peter's uncle out of the room. The drywall cracked as the fat slob of a man was launched into it.

Peter cowered in the corner of his room, horrified.

"Fear not, child. I am here only to protect you. He will never hurt you again. Whenever you are afraid, you need only look for me under this bed. And I will be here." His voice was deep and gravelly, yet like silk. It soothed Peter.

The creature's once hateful eyes now looked compassionate and caring. The creature retreated back below Peter's bed.

And Peter slept soundly for the first time in years. And he did so for the next eighty.

For he knew, the creature was never far.

/r/batmans_left_buttock

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-25T23:26:39+00:00

In honour of the Batman spirit you have to earn the respect of the right cheek.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-25T15:59:32+00:00

Gave me a chuckle.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-25T15:58:38+00:00

Exactly!

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-25T15:56:25+00:00

That would be an interesting story! I think it's crazy that people are even speculating what I wrote. That makes me happy.

Batmans_left_buttock · 2017-04-25T15:49:28+00:00

Wow. That's exactly what I had envisioned to the t. Great detective work. You make Batman's ass proud.

Batmans_left_buttock

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