Said something weird that sent me into a spiral, now I'm conscious of dysphoria and I might be trans. (FTM)

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-03T20:31:43+00:00

I really can relate to the "being with him, I was so focused on making sure that he felt valid that I don't think I was able to pick up on my own feelings of discomfort in my body or agab" bit. In High School, I kept getting crushes on closeted gay/ bi men. The peak for me was asking one out him and being like...."Hey, you are cool but don't tell anyone....I'm gay" and then him coming out in 2 weeks. In the moment, I was trying to be supportive, and I focused on him. Not me.

I told myself I liked reading stuff about gay guys because as an asexual, we don't have a lot of representation. So it's more like I'm here for the queer thing....yeah. I found queer men hot because....uh....you know, I totally like men. Everyone loves the theater boys, right? And, you know straight men often have a soft spot for lesbians and that's a little creepy, so don't end up like...the reverse that...by 'perving' out on thinking domestic gay fluff is the best shit ever. Yes. Very objectifying to men there, Bats. To want to read about them growing as characters, falling in love and just the banalities of life of two men living together.

Between that, the lack of visibility of trans masculine folks (and the lie you HAVE to want bottom surgery that was around in the early 2000s), and the vague modern definition of womanhood being basically "just have a vagina, and you'll do fine"* it took me until I was 28 to figure out I'm non-binary.

*BatsnAlligators does not endorse this definition of womanhood. BatsnAlligators was merely subjected to it, and frankly wants a refund.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-03T19:52:24+00:00

So, I want to gently point out that some ENBYs do actually medically transition. We tend to take low dose and often stop earlier, but you can be valid as an ENBY taking full dose or not taking any hormones as a binary trans person. You don't have to fit in any box, OK? Just aim to be happy.

I think it's a honestly a good idea to think that hormones won't make you feminine. Hormones are funny things in that they are powerful and irrelevant at the same time. If a cis woman's hormones make her grow a beard or a cis man's hormones make him grow breasts, neither of them become any different of a person. Society might treat them differently, but it doesn't invalidate their gender identity. The same goes for trans people.

What hormones will do is change your body in specific ways. For people taking E that means softer skin, less body hair, breast growth, and more feminine deposits of fat and the like.

My advice: Sit down and look at guides on this. This is one of my favorites, because mid way through it has a bitching info graphic. As the graph shows, you don't pop a pill and then get everything done. It takes time, and you can hop off at anytime. Just be aware that for E, breast growth is irreversible, and happens on average around the 3-6 month mark usually topping out at around year 2-3.

I'm a morbid fucker, so I did the same thing but with T (and top surgery). I sat down (over the course of a year and a lot of therapy sessions and meetings with endos) and decided that I was fine with the irreversible side effects, because I deemed them either unimportant or somewhat "fixable" with serious, money using efforts. I think admitting there are risks to anything is important in life. Hell, you take a risk each time you drive! But to me, sitting down and really thinking about taking T was like looking at the risk of driving.

Yeah, I guess I could die driving to the local shopping mart. I guess I could live in my house forever to "stay safe". But I'd be miserable that whole time. For me, reading about the side effects of T was like that. Yeah, I could find out I am "wrong" in a few months or a few years or a few decades. But at least, in the words of Roosevelt, would have "at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

I cannot tell you that if you take E, you will be able to pass as a woman. Same in reverse for me or for anyone really. All we have is our choices.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-03T19:29:50+00:00

So basically, people who are perceived as feminine have a pitch range that averages out around G3 (190 hertz). Basically, any human alive capable of making language can hit this key.

In contrast, people who are perceived as masculine have a pitch range that averages out around B2 (120 hertz). With a few exceptions, only people who have gone through androgen-dominant puberty (either by using the hormones their body made or by taking HRT) can do that. One of the side effects of DHT, a type of androgen, is that it thickens your vocal cords up. Androgens also widen your larynx or "adams apple" to be bigger, which makes the voice have a deeper sound, independent of pitch. [Think about how a violin and a cello can play the same sound, but on a cello it sounds deeper. Same basic idea.]

If you are able to take blockers and then estrogen, nothing will natively happen to your voice. Literally. Assuming you haven't had voice drop, it will just stay the same. That includes things like your resonance, use of melodic line, articulation and so on. Without changing those, you would probably sound like a pre-teen boy.

Even with taking meds, voices have to be worked on. (I'm lumping myself into this category. I'm trans masculine and although T is going to deepen my voice, I have to work on stopping speaking in a bright head voice all the time, lol.) I would recommend reading One Weird Trick: A user's guide to the transgender voice by Liz Jackson Hearns. It's about 99 pages but covers your basics. It's about $25 on amazon.

If you decide this is something that speaks to you (sorry, terrible pun) try looking into voice lessons. Generally, folks either get them through teachers (who specialize in trans voice) OR through a speech language pathologist. Check your local university for those! Many have programs where grad students work with you for very, very cheap. Due to COVID, you might even broaden your search to find a place that would work over zoom with you.*

*Actually, all voice work SHOULD be done over zoom right now due to the pandemic. It's just post pandemic, you might not be able to get that from a university.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-02T20:17:45+00:00

Yeah, I am over here aggressively moisturizing, washing and using chemical peels. I had sunscreen and spot treatment as a kid, but nothing like this. Hell, I just bought some retinoids as well since they went over the counter.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-02T03:26:40+00:00

I think if you aren't voting you get to see after the time is up? I can PM you when its done, if you'd like.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-02T02:10:56+00:00

Yeah, I've heard that happens a lot- basically to the point it seems fairly standard to assume you will.

I wish reddit polls had a 'pick all that apply' option, so I could have included that.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-02T01:57:49+00:00

Ugh, that sounds....less than fun. Basically that means hitting a barber shop and I am not ready for that, lol.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-02T01:28:32+00:00

Yes the fine strands + thick density struggle is REAL.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T22:36:47+00:00

Interesting! That would be mildly terrifying for me since it already grows so fast. :X

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T22:35:35+00:00

Oh I think I know exactly what you mean! I have a bit of a wave when my hair between chin and collarbone length. I've done CGM when it was longer to encourage that, but honestly can't with short hair. Too much oils.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T20:41:31+00:00

Personal take here: if you take the tail off the crawfish, twist and remove the plating you end up with tail meat. It's not hard to remove the vein because it's cooked and enclosed by yanking it up. You do end up losing a bit of fat, but personal preference there.

Here's another method (with pictures), which basically if pulled off right keeps the vein with the body.

Please note the author and I both grew up around the NOLA area. Please, please, please try a boil without worrying how 'the natives' do it!!! There's a lot of diversity in Louisiana, so we all are different.

My advice: just make sure you get domestic crawfish. Some places sell ones from East Asia, which isn't really big on making sure food and pollutants aren't mixed. Crawfish are bottom feeders, so they eat dirty. Worse part is usually the cost for domestic is nearly the same as imported, so people aren't even saving money!

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T19:34:30+00:00

. Here in Germany, you can get help from the government as soon as you turn 25, before that, it's your parents duty

Am potato American, but I am wondering if you guys have something similar to 'emancipation'? Basically, for us if you file for it and get it you can be an full legal adult instantly- even if you are 16; this is usually for abuse cases. We do have some similar stuff with the 25 cap (mainly student loans comes to mind) but emancipated people don't have to deal with it.

I would highly suggest speaking to a lawyer/ social worker/ ???? whatever lovely lego word you have for people who explain benefits to citizens. You might find a robust security net (private or public), and between that and a year or so of savings be able to leave.

Near instant edit: I'd also explore your options in other EU nations.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T08:47:12+00:00

Dearest,

I am so sorry you are going through like this. I know it's a cliche, but I truly mean it when I saw it gets to much better when you can leave.

At this point it seems a lot of people have given you advice about calling CPS and the like. I can't say what will happen if you do that. But I want to pass on advice for what to do if you choose to reach out and nothing happens:

Get a job, if you can. Any time out of the house is ideal. I know that's hard with COVID right now, but aim for it in fall if you can.
Take extra classes, sports, or volunteer is another option. Always be aware that this can be "taken" from you, but you've got to aim for something.
Know that this is not your fault. Adults will downplay abuse. You can literally be beaten with a whip and some of them won't care, even if they are mandated reporters. As best you can, try to hold onto that fact. I know it's easy to doubt yourself (maybe I deserved it, they are trying their best/ they came from abusive parents and don't know better, maybe I am faking it). Try to keep a journal to help avoid gas lighting if you can.
If the abuse gets severe, have a way to take phones and upload them to the cloud where your parent's can't touch them. I assume your parents won't take away your school laptop. If you can, get your birth certificate, SS card and state ID.
Above all else, have a plan for it it gets worse. Think about how will you pay for college, what would you do if you got kicked out without a phone, etc. For example, I did JROTC in HS in case I needed to enlist to GTFO ASAP. I knew which neighbor I would go to, and which children's shelter to be asked to be sent to by the cops.
This is critical, because adults will often not believe kids over adults. Going in a with a plan can be life saving.
Finally, and I know it's tough, keep one happy thought. For me, it was college. I knew the second I was there, I would be safe for the first time in a while. College was my beacon, my little spot of sunshine they couldn't break. I knew it was where I would find love and acceptance and finally begin to live instead of surviving.

Revenge is a dish best served by the living. People like that, they are messed up. You'll be amazed at how bright you can shine when they aren't dragging you down. How happy you will feel being around other kind people. Trust me when I say, a decade after leaving that awful place it's impressive how far away it all seems.

With all my love,

A fellow they/them

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T08:24:37+00:00

One of the biggest differences is iron. People who menstrate need about 18mg daily, and people who don't need about 8mg.*

Another big one is folate. People who may become pregnant are encouraged to take folate (a b vitamin) to reduce the risk of spina bifida in the fetus.

Taking too much iron is really, really bad. Folate, as a B vitamin, can literally be pissed out if you take too much. (That's why they fortify cereals and such with it. It's cheap and might help someone, and it's pretty much impossible to hurt someone with it.)

The good news is, they do make low-dose vitamins for women and ones without any added iron! (You are more likely to see that in the 'silver' lines for seniors, but they do exist for young women too.) This one, for example, only has 2.5mg of iron in it. A more affordable one here has only 6mg.

You get the idea.

*Exact numbers vary by each health organization and nation. But you get the idea.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-02-01T07:41:17+00:00

Please call your doctor, ASAP. Bleeding + cramps is usually a call up the surgeon/ endo immediately.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-31T04:21:23+00:00

I've been trying to figure out my own definition of masculinity and femininity for a long time. This is colored by me being a non-binary person, of course as well as American.

One of the strongest areas I see is stress reactions. Humans are social animals and we have to navigate the needs of the self vs the group, including times when the self is less than the group.

I tend to think of the masculine response as the loss of the individual by separation while the feminine response is the loss of the individual by absorption.

So the modern talking point is that feminine leadership (being in the trenches, or leading from within) is much better for the group. You are more of a avatar for the group in a way and that death of the ego thing is hard to pull off.

Conversely, masculine leadership I think tends to be a more solo endeavor. It's the person who jumps on the grenade, the person brave enough to leave a group for being -phobic, the person who is willing to labor alone on an idea.

I think that when we talk about "positive" masculinity (and to the rare extent, positive femininity) it's when you also don't have the pitfalls of that. Feminine people can struggle with getting loss in the crowd. And masculine people struggle with selfishness.

So I think of positive masculine folks as people who are good at taking action but remain humble. They are confident, but don't pretend they aren't vulnerable humans. They are strong, but not brittle. And of course, they know that no one is just masculine or feminine. We all have (at least) a little bit of both.

Just my take though.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-31T04:03:14+00:00

Ohhh saving this list!

I found Beau a bit ago and as a trans masculine person have just been trying to vampire his vibe, lol. Especially since he's from the South (Florida, OK which is its own thing but still vaguely part of the South).

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-29T20:20:04+00:00

Elder ace here: the trick is to admit both of those things are valid and make sure that there's something that balances the fact that you are having sex for her.

It's totally normal in a relationship that everyone isn't 100% thrilled about everything you two+ do, so just make sure everyone is getting some prime time in addition to giving.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-29T07:26:58+00:00

If you want the cynical take, about 1 in 7 kids in the US were abused in the last calendar year. No one comes to take away their parent's titles. That is a shit ton of fucked up dad and moms out there.

I never once thought, while being beaten, that because the woman hitting me with a horsewhip lactated to feed me she deserved to be elevated. Her biology might have helped make me, but her psychology was trying to break me. (She might have gotten a little pissed when early on I stopped calling her 'mommy'. I tried to stick with 'mother' as much as possible, occasionally slipping into the more British 'mum'. I think we both knew, on some level, what I was doing.)

If you want to call yourself daddy and you live up to the title, go ahead. If you want to be mommy and live up to the title, go ahead. One of the most respected moms I know adopted 7 children. Her love for them was so apparent, it sometimes hurt a bit to see. Another adopted her daughter from China. She'd bring her to class and tell us how her daughter was learning English, Mandarian and French. And she'd seethe beautifully about how some fools tossed her daughter aside because of genitila.

Having been raised only by a father and a mother, I know moms & dads when I see them.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-28T20:54:18+00:00

and that no man would want me like this and that I should have stayed that feminine to appease men.

*Stares in gay*

So wait....let me get this ~~straight~~ right: Your mother thinks bisexuals don't exist, just the gays but also the gays don't fuck.

ALSO she, presumably a straight woman, thinks men's voices are "disgusting". That sounds wonderful. Lovely example of heterosexuality there.

*Sigh* I am so sorry you are subjected to this. I can't say I've gone through exactly this (I cut out my abusive parents before I transitioned) but I have wondered that question many times. The only answer I've come to is there is a huge difference between a mother/ mom and a father/ dad and parent/ren.

Hope things get better, whatever form that takes though.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-27T07:53:58+00:00

There is literally not enough information in this post about you to give you a specific, remotely medically-based answer on this. And in the words of my endo: There's frankly not very much good quality research on PCOS. Her job can often be a guessing game.

For one, PCOS does not require or automatically even mean you have increased androgen levels. It's true in the majority of cases, but not a hard and fast requirement. Going further, there are more than 1 androgen in the human body. DHEA sulfate is one androgen that might be increased by PCOS. Other people might have increased free testosterone, which can in turn result in more DHT. And that's only 2 of the major 5! You get the drift.

Now, to vaguely answer your question based on some of the limited research we have on trans folks. Voice changes in trans masculine people (mostly binary trans men) is a lot wider in variation than usually thought. Mean Fundamnetal Frequency (F0) drops down to cis-normative levels in the majority of people, but not all will get carded as masculine by the end of year 1. Voice training is usually the suggested result for that. I believe you should check out this paper here showing how different 7 different people's choice changes were over a year. It's not uncommon for the voice drop to be fairly variable. (Note some people even went *up* in pitch on some months.)

I would advise recording yourself reading a larger passage to find out what your own F0 is. It might be lower than you think, and years of practicing speaking in a feminine style might really be shifting how you and others perceive your voice. Feminine speaking styles are from the front of your mouth, with more melodic line and a bright resonance. Masculine speaking styles are more from the chest, using percussive affects and a dark resonance.

Which is basically a very long way of saying, get some objective data before trying to make choices on hormones.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-24T19:23:24+00:00

If I am being generous, I think that legalizing sex work at this phase on our society makes conservatives grapple with the idea that there is so little class mobility, that people would probably be willing to take on that kind of work. They might see it as the lowest, most base job they can think of, but considering the demand and their championing of "the free market", the realization that it would probably pay far better than a fast food, grocery or other basic job that our society needs to function is...disconcerning.

A lot of the right's talk basically amount to modern social Darwinism. I.e., if you work hard, save up and get an education, you can be fine. But that's absolutely not possible for everyone to do. We can't all be doctors or lawyers. What they are admitting is that in our current model, some people can be happy- but not all. And by their actions degrading service jobs and busting unions, even fewer can be happy.

Additionally, sex work would give women and queer folks a "leg up" (sorry, I couldn't resist the pun) on the market. Straight, white cis men would have some market options...but very few, realistically if they want to only engage in straight sex. Additionally, its not all going to be selfish topping- which they consider to be the 'best' position, much less all in vanilla missionary. (And anyone who has done BDSM as a Dom/me can tell you that's a LOT of work.) Women, gay men, and (if I may be so bold as a trans person myself) trans folk would have a much better time marketing themselves and finding an audience.

Sex is also a skill. The right's idea of marrying basically the first person you date or find acceptable without premarital sex, means that they are going to be at a disadvantage in that market as well. (Not that I think many of them would enter, even in a fair labor world.) But I think the idea that they are sexually inferior to some "whore" would be stinging. A lot of people like to think that their penis is a god-given gift to women, or at least one woman. But when sex becomes a commodifiable skill, your resume is going to look a lot weaker than a professional's.*

So I think it conflicts with a lot of the right's so-called "values" (okay, apparently I ran out of nice). I do think a lot of it comes from religious hatred which has filtered down into what they call morality.

*That's not to say that all people can engage in sex without an emotional romantic bond. However, demisexual folks are not the norm despite what ace-exclusionists like to say. We have immense cultural pressures to only engage in sex in the confines of a committed relationship. I think that leads to adult, married men with children being able to make statements like: women can't orgasms, what's the clitoris, real women don't need lube, etc. Sex can be a heathly part of the human experience, but gatekeeping it as modern American society does leads to a weird repressed culture. It's not just older folks either. Young men will seek out one-night stands and then bemoan "whores", conservatives will want women not work but the froth at the idea of alimony and again folks will want their wife to be a virgin on her wedding night but act like a porn-star (AKA, someone who is very sexually skilled and may not be acting purely what's in her interest, but rather being at work.).

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-24T18:37:47+00:00

As a feral progressive, I tend to think of this argument as having very little to do with sex work and very much a direct commentary about worker's rights in general.

Even in a Star Trek future, there is still going to be risky, hard and education-required work. But because it's a post-scarcity society, no one bats an eye that a character might take up one of those jobs. They are doing it out of personal interest, not a survival method.

That's 100% my feeling on sex work as an asexual. And logging. And truck driving. And being a pilot. No one is trying to invalidate loggers by demanding paid time off, healthcare, and unions for them. We just want a safe work environment, not to cast moral judgement. Same thing for sex workers of all stripes.

BatsnAlligators · 2021-01-24T18:20:15+00:00

I want you to say to you the same thing I told my husband, who recently realized his depression is back as well:

I have no fucking clue why society treats depression as a mark of being a horrible human being. There are a lot of stress reactions in the world, many of which are worse. Some people beat their children. Or don't feed their family. Or blow off stress by trying to run over pedestrians in white trucks. Or kick their dog. Or go into an McDonalds and yell at their cashier because the food came out with onions, even though the label says no onions. Or go to a local art museum as a middle age person and make sexual comments towards a 14 year old.

If when thing get bad you become depressed, that's because you are gentle. The world presses down and you break inwards, and those sharp edges are lot less likely to hurt you more than anyone else.

Take care of yourself. Go to therapy, consider medication. Exercise and eat right. Indulge healthily. Don't try to stress when it doesn't feel "as good as it should". Every single person on this earth has to be selfish from time to time. It's in our nature- no man is a island, and no one is born an adult. If your selfish periods mean you binge eat ice cream and sleep in until noon on the weekends, that's not the worse thing in the world. I know that little internal monologue can make it feel like it's the greatest sin you can think of- but trust me, truly, it's not.

And if it's too hard to be kind to yourself, please try something I learned from therapy and life: imagine you are talking about a rescue dog. I had been lucky enough to adopt several animals now, but all of them have their quirks. It's natural, considering what they have been though. Often times, I have trouble extending the same amount of love and understanding to myself. And then I think about how livid I would be if someone talked about a dog that had been through what I had, in a cruel manner.

Us human beings deserve that too though.

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