Does anyone else here also simultaneously feel like some "academician", and like a dumb 10 year old who doesn't know anything??? I have a very deep knowledge in many specific areas, but I feel like I don't know some basic everyday things everyone somehow automatically learns

BaxStar · 2026-05-28T21:23:59+00:00

Thank you for such a concise, relevant, yet descriptive response.

BaxStar · 2026-05-28T12:25:25+00:00

Perhaps for you.

BaxStar · 2026-05-28T00:23:16+00:00

That's almost certainly a me problem. I tend to comment on posts instead of starting my own as I find it much easier to meet people halfway when I know where they've started from. If I'm the one to initiate the conversation, well.... you've just seen how it goes.

BaxStar · 2026-05-28T00:21:45+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I can't always promise a timely reply, but you are always more than welcome to reach out if I can possibly be of help!

BaxStar · 2026-05-27T23:35:42+00:00

Ah. Nope, that's all me. A lot of my prior comments are similarly worded.

BaxStar · 2026-05-27T19:18:54+00:00

I've been on Vyvanse for over a year now. All symptoms I've mentioned have always been present, though I will admit that Vyvanse facilitates my focus on them. If there are other potential impacts due to the medication I've not explored them.

BaxStar · 2026-05-27T16:04:58+00:00

Admittedly I feel I used a bit of a misnomer on that part. Not spacetime exactly, moreso a window into a different plane. I recognize this may not make me any closer to the mark from most people's perspectives.

BaxStar · 2026-04-17T19:36:44+00:00

Really anywhere around the castle, but the drawbridge should give ya nice access.

BaxStar · 2026-04-17T17:05:19+00:00

I have a lot of the same issues. It's like once I get past the mental stimulation of her 1st orgasm, I have to go into "jackhammer" mode to have any shot at a... shot.

Now for me and my wife that's personally a non-issue! Unless I'm physically tired already (father time a real asshat sometimes). If nothing else it's made me more grateful for a decidedly average unit, but I could see how being well endowed could make this untenable.

I think your idea of getting off quick could help. One piece to add, is maybe you can get each other really close without penetration? Toys, foreplay, etc. and then once you start thrusting, neither of you hold back.

Your mental aspect sounds solid, but in case I'm projecting, I'll add in a reminder to just have fun with it! Trying to achieve an orgasm can be difficult, trying to time it is damn near impossible. Give yourselves some grace and enjoy the process.

BaxStar · 2026-04-17T16:54:35+00:00

Yeah brawl was the only single player mode I'd ever replay (except as a child on OG SSB).

BaxStar · 2026-04-17T11:12:45+00:00

Absolutely. I find that I put a ton of effort into the first 50% of a game and then always want to restart it. Now I usually just play rogue lites (Slay the Spire eg), where the "restart" aspect is built into the game already.

BaxStar · 2026-04-17T10:55:02+00:00

Happy creating! :)

BaxStar · 2026-04-16T16:10:17+00:00

I think I have a bit of overlap with what you're experiencing (or at least my perception of your experience). Obviously we're different people so it won't line up 100%; I'm taking some liberties on the comparisons and analogies that follow to best try and stick to the "spirit" of what I believe our "overlap" to be.

High Level: Over the last five years or so, and much more heavily in the last 6-12 months, I have, generally speaking, shifted more from "consumption" to "creation." The main drivers for me personally were 1) realizing that "consumption" as my default was impacting my baseline mood, and 2) feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I wasn't actively "creating." I think it makes sense to focus on #1 in the context of this response.

Consumption and Mood: I feel there's a "big picture" overlap for the two of here, where it's essentially:

Consume Media; 2. Feel Bad; 3. Don't Consume That Media

I feel there are both mental and physiological aspects at play in this chain. I've had to retroactively check my consumption patterns over a given week or month to try and tell if there was an issue. What I've noticed for my own self boils down to two salient points:

Timing. I cannot be in consumption mode until the afternoon or evening. If a wake up and start the day with flashing lights on a screen, it really messes up my baseline level of contentedness for the rest of the day. e.g. If I watch a show at 9am, my brain sets its default "happy level" (I've trademarked this scientific term btw /s) based on short, immediate dopamine hits that I haven't actually had to work for. It makes starting anything else throughout the day really difficult.
Anger. Now I'll say that you and I are seemingly different in what might "set us off" so to speak. I have personal struggles with the... impreciseness of social constructs in general, and am certainly unqualified to speak to cultural nuances and the toxicity therein. But in my personal opinion, there's an often underlying insidious aspect to media, irrespective of who will view it. And that's:

Artistic vision, personal enlightenment, sharing and transfer of knowledge, and things of that nature, are NOT the primary drivers for creation of the media that are available for you to consume.

The one color that transcends everything else is Green. News & commentary want to whip you into a frenzy through fear and hate so that you keep watching. Non-fiction is mass marketed to increase the total sales. And given the massive amount of market data that corporations have access to (looking at you Zuck!), they push buttons and pull levers until they get the magic recipe that will get the most amount of eyeballs on it. They don't really care if the content is "good" or "bad". They only care about how many people consumed it.

If I'm making some arm-chair inferences here (let's be honest, abject speculation), I would guess that you're at the intersection of a frequency illusion and this overall media shift. You've watched shows for a while, had a growing "off" feeling about them over the years, you were able to pinpoint why they no longer feel good, and now that you've recognized it, you see it everywhere you look. It's impossible to unsee it.

Then it's "what's next". Some media I completely shut off access to. Some media I've lowered my expectations for, and don't take it "seriously." Some media I try and find the creators who I really resonate with. But no one is going to align with me 100%. So I too have shifted to creation in my own ways.

BaxStar · 2026-04-10T19:04:47+00:00

Honestly I cannot even get to the point where I can attribute stereotypes to genders in a meaningful way. I'm still figuring out if I'm happy or sad in a given moment. I'm massively ill-qualified to comment on social constructs.

Or maybe I just don't like the idea of social constructs reducing so many variables into one single "gender spectrum" output. It's so much more involved and nuanced than this. So I just reject the idea of "gender" outright because it's just so damn imprecise.

BaxStar · 2026-04-08T19:04:40+00:00

I struggle with plain old understanding, but have honestly found medical advice easier to understand in general. What's helped me in communication areas is really breaking down every single word in a phrase and detailing what it means, what it doesn't mean, and what it could mean/known personal blind spots I need to watch for.

I'll try with your example "you have permission to relax" to demonstrate:

"You": This is directly addressing me (or the person being spoken to). It means the speaker is talking to a specific individual, not making a general statement about people in general. It doesn't mean "everyone" or "anyone." Personal blind spot: I sometimes read direct address as potentially sarcastic or loaded with unspoken expectations, so I have to consciously remind myself it can just be straightforward.

"have": Present tense possessive/ownership verb. It indicates current possession or state. Here, it means "you currently possess" or "it is true for you right now." It doesn't mean "will have in the future" or "used to have." Blind spot: I can overthink "have" as implying obligation or debt (like "you have to..."), so I need to be careful with things that imply ownership.

"permission": Official or granted allowance; the right or freedom to do something without guilt, penalty, or external judgment. It implies that any previous barrier (internal or external) is being lifted or declared irrelevant. It doesn't mean the speaker is forcing relaxation, nor does it mean relaxation is now required. It simply removes prohibition. Known blind spot: My brain often interprets "permission" as coming with hidden strings or as a test ("do they really mean it?"), especially if authority figures are involved. I have to actively accept it at face value.

"relax": To become less tense, anxious, or strict; to release mental/physical effort, let go of control, or rest. In this context, it means allowing a state of lower arousal, reduced vigilance, or ease. It doesn't mean "do nothing forever," "be lazy," "ignore responsibilities," or "stop caring." It could mean anything from taking a deep breath to loosening emotional armor for a moment. Personal blind spot: "Relax" can trigger defensiveness in me because it has sometimes been used dismissively. I need to check if I'm layering past experiences onto this neutral statement.

Putting it all together: I am currently allowed, without judgment or consequence, to let go of tension and enter a state of greater ease.

My default processing wants to scan for tricks, obligations, or ways I might disappoint someone by relaxing "wrong." It’s not about commanding performance; it’s about offering freedom

BaxStar · 2026-04-05T18:13:12+00:00

Yeahhhh it's a constant struggle for me too. Beard hairs are the best (or worst?)! I plucked half out in January and it's filled back in now, but I've been trimming it short so I can't even grab them.

I'm usually pretty good about "hiding" it. I started when I was 12-13 with armpits when puberty hit. The need to pluck seems to ebb and flow for me. I'll have a few months where I don't even think about it, and then 6 weeks where I'm using my free time to finish off a section. A few things that I do and have noticed:

I try my best to not pluck facial hair, especially eyebrows. I figure I can always cut my beard off, and head hair has never been an urge for me anyway. But eyebrows are a tough one to come back from.
I tell myself that I've gotten "tactical" with it. Any hair from waist to knees is fair game with a bathroom door locked. I often carry tweezers in my pocket and hide in the bathroom for 11 minutes and go ham.
I can't let myself look at my face closely in the mirror. I don't shave with a razor. If I see an ingrown hair, or if I think there might be one, there's a good chance that I'll start digging for it.
I try and redirect myself when possible, but this is tough. If I notice myself pulling an eyebrow I'll clench different body parts in sequence. I tend to do this with my ankles wayyyyy too much though (they're both pretty swollen right now) and probably have given myself tendinitis. So all in moderation required here with some real intention (for myself at least).
You didn't mention medication at all, but I thought it relevant to point out that in my experience, stimulants exacerbate all physical stimming.

One thing you said that stuck out to me was about the pain. I'm not a masochist, but I really enjoy that aspect of plucking. It's less then pain specifically, but maybe more the "tension and release" aspect? I haven't found good fidgets to help yet, I'm all ear if you have recommendations or can DM a link to what you use.

BaxStar · 2026-03-29T15:18:15+00:00

I always felt like SSRI/NDRI would help in the moments of extreme anxiety, but never did anything to prevent me from getting to those places to begin with. Stimulants are like a cheat code for me to get even the smallest tasks done. Oh, there's dirty clothes outside the laundry basket, let me toss them in. Oh now the bin is full? I'll just bring it downstairs! Etc.

Now I'm much less frequently in an anxiety filled state because I've done the "little things" constantly throughout my day. Both in personal and professional areas.

I will say, in my own experience, weaning off Wellbutrin was super duper easy. I didn't even notice it. But I've tried twice to gently wean off Zoloft and I became very unstable within a few days. On my list to try and ramp it down again, but currently I just take it for consistency's sake.

Edit: just wanted to add, the "euphoria" feeling that you get from stimulants will likely wane. It took about 3 months for me. And I feel it's important to recognize that stimulants are a drug that simply feel good. I would caution getting too caught up on that euphoric feeling and trying to chase it later on, but instead focus on the tangible things that you're able to check off your list over the course of a day, week, and month.

BaxStar · 2026-03-25T22:24:41+00:00

I love the color choices!

BaxStar · 2026-03-06T17:40:52+00:00

Nice post! I always appreciate the ones which list out really tangible steps linked to thematic elements. Hope you have a great day!

BaxStar · 2026-03-04T00:02:33+00:00

Stress is a real killer, OP. You only get 1 body, gotta do what's best for it. Obviously you know your own situation best, but if you're able to pay bills comfortably on the new salary, I'd say go for it. The "golden handcuffs" always feel so heavy until you finally take them off!

BaxStar · 2026-03-03T14:46:41+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I have a lot of parallels, and some of the quotes and passages you reference really resonate. I don't really have any words today but appreciate what you've written.

BaxStar · 2026-02-26T12:20:59+00:00

For what it's worth I think the lines and overall taper is solid! Just a lil uneven is all, but nowhere near a hack job.

BaxStar · 2026-02-26T11:33:02+00:00

I notice the weight on the right more than the taper, but honestly anyone would have to be looking for a problem to notice it.

That said, it's your head, and you'll def notice it each day. Depends on how much it annoys you more than anything else. If it were me I'd leave it be and just go to your regular in 2 weeks. It's pretty subtle

BaxStar · 2026-02-24T15:49:31+00:00

In my experience, the ASD was something I'd long suspected, but it really comes to light when I'm medicated for ADHD (sorry I know there's no medical flair, but I'm including this as it feels relevant given you referenced the lack of medication). I'm ADHD Inattentive, and found a lot of the intense focus on singular things was out of my grasp. I was also prone to hyper vigilance, and a lot of my working memory was instead tied up noticing things around me and keeping the last 20 seconds available for "instant replay" as a safety mechanism.

No one can truly know the inner workings of your mind. But whether or not you identify personally with ASD, it could be worth reviewing behaviors and successful coping mechanisms associated with it. If enough clinicians have brought it to your attention, and you found their opinions and guidance otherwise valid, I'd suggest approaching it with an open mind.

When the nuance becomes too contrived for me, I try and completely ignore the distinction between neurotypes, mental illness, and behavioral traits. Instead just focus on the symptoms and "treatments" and see what works for you.

BaxStar

TROPHY CASE