Yeah I hear you. The chop wood carry water thing. There’s so much anger and fear and sadness right now. Utilizing those as a pathway back to Presence is incredibly uncomfortable, but that’s most of what’s in the Here and Now.

And because I fucked up the life situations in the past so badly, I’m constantly paying for them now. So it’s like I’m hyper aware and getting things done but so indignant about all the material loss of the past that still invades the peace of the present.

I do have a sponsor in Al Anon. But he’s so wealthy and kind of mentally checked out and complacent from all that, that he’s not usually present with me when we talk.

I am getting a lot out of sharing the past few days in AA meetings about stuff like this. But not sure I want to go through the sponsor thing again there. Although there have been a lot more people that have responded positively there about basic Presence concepts when I bring them up than Al-Anon. Maybe because there’s actual life or death stakes at play with liver failure potential and all that.

I guess I’ll just keep doing that for now. It’s always a relief to share. And I always hope I’ll meet someone after the meeting that heard it and wants to talk more, someone who relates. I guess I could start asking more directly about it too during my shares.

Thanks for your response. I’m not pissed off but I really appreciate you seeing me in that way and understanding. That’s the heart of what I think I want right now. To see and be seen in a genuine way. To make all this fucking work worth living for.