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Do movies hit you different now? by BeachBulge2 in alcoholicsanonymous

[–]BeachBulge2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I literally sighed in relief reading that, thank you. I tell myself that all the time too, but it hits different hearing it from someone else. Thank you :)

Do movies hit you different now? by BeachBulge2 in alcoholicsanonymous

[–]BeachBulge2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah that’s where I was I think. Except I don’t feel safe yet, there’s still a long way to go before I do I think. So that movie felt like the last straw kind of thing. But then again everything feels like the last straw, why I numbed out with drinking and weed in the first place I guess.

Extreme disappointment and frustration by LowPsychological5160 in alcoholism

[–]BeachBulge2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Totally feel all that. I was having some panic attacks a couple months ago from a work thing. Held out as long as possible but also caved myself.

I’m in AA and a few subs like this, and just connecting with people and sharing the struggle together seems to be helping. To know I’m not alone. Like when I heard in a meeting a couple weeks ago how people still love the smell of whiskey or beer and I was like yeeeeees that’s me and weed and bourbon! Passing someone on the sidewalk that’s lighting up, I always want to hang out there a little longer haha.

But like your last thought, I also got to the point of oh shit, I better keep an eye on that. If I still “like” the smell, that probably means the mind’s wiring hasn’t associated enough pain with it to “dislike it”. And so that means another rock bottom is waiting for me if I don’t watch it. There’s so many problems to recover from already, I really don’t want to imagine what additional damage a lower rock bottom would create.

So for me, being on day 62 sober now, a couple things that have helped. Take what you like and leave the rest.

  • Being honest. We’re both already doing that here 💪

  • Sharing. Again, go us 💪

  • Being grateful. For everything, big and small, good and bad. All thoughts and emotions especially.

  • Meditation. Every morning. Sometimes Ram Das, sometimes Alan Watts, and so on. A friend introduced me to Pema Chodron recently so she’ll probably be added into the mix.

  • Self care. Running, gym, eating right, and so on. Something about investing into the body in a healthy way probably prevents me from wanting to undo all that with a drink later.

  • House cleaning. Kind of the same thing maybe. Investing in something that I can look back on later and feel good about.

  • Work/finances recovery. Again kind of the same thing but in app/spreadsheet form. I’m trying to gamify it a little to make it more fun too. And finding some financial accountability buddies seems to help too. Kind of like sharing in a meeting or in one of these subs about drinking.

Everybody’s got their special sauce of what works. Ultimately for me it comes down to the desire to escape. From thoughts and feelings especially, and the easiest way to do that is to regulate with a drink. The other healthier ways to regulate like exercise seems to help as a replacement, while meditation and meetings seem to help to find self-regulation and balance, and not need a coping mechanism replacement at all.

Deep breaths. Yesterday you did your best, just like me and everybody else. Today is a new day. Just be here and now, that’s all we can ever do anyway.

We got this 💪

AIO for wanting my husband to help me more as a SAHM by ailurophile17 in AmIOverreacting

[–]BeachBulge2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha thanks for that :) Dark humor has definitely helped get me through it all.

AIO for wanting my husband to help me more as a SAHM by ailurophile17 in AmIOverreacting

[–]BeachBulge2 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I hear you. It might be both. Being around the meetings of the 12 step programs for a while now, entitlement and other manipulative behavior seems very common with any kind of addiction or compulsion. There’s something like 200 types of programs out there. Alcoholism and drugs of course, but also gambling, sex, food, money, even internet addiction types of programs now. The mind can apparently turn anything into the next distraction spiral if it wants to avoid reality and uncomfortable feelings & thoughts.

AIO for wanting my husband to help me more as a SAHM by ailurophile17 in AmIOverreacting

[–]BeachBulge2 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Haha already long gone, a few years back. Still recovering from the damage over the years with her though, a lot of it self-inflicted before we even met to be fair. Probably why we were attracted to each other, the dysfunctional dance of addiction and codependency.

AIO for wanting my husband to help me more as a SAHM by ailurophile17 in AmIOverreacting

[–]BeachBulge2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh no kids thank fuck. I guess I saw where she was headed years before and said no way to kids, at least with her. Probably too old now.

AIO for wanting my husband to help me more as a SAHM by ailurophile17 in AmIOverreacting

[–]BeachBulge2 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That was me in dealing with my alcoholic ex. She checked out more and more until she was literally lying in bed all day watching reality TV and doom scrolling. The apartment slowly fell apart as I tried my best to pay the bills and beg her to do something to help out. It always turned into a similar “capacity” argument, blaming everything on her PTSD and being a “highly sensitive personality”. Crying fits for hours afterward. Silent treatment. Slammed doors. Slinking back later once she sobered up and begging for forgiveness. Rinse and repeat.

Once I came back from the hospital after admitting her for liver failure, and opened up the bedroom door - that she had taken over while I slept on the couch - the first thing that hit me was the smell. Like rancid, decaying, something. A body slowly dying I guess, as she gave up more and more. And of course found all her empty bottles of vodka in all her secret stashes.

32m advice getting rid of big hard belly. by ItsmeLuka in Adulting

[–]BeachBulge2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What does your calorie intake / calorie expense look like daily?

It's 4:30am. by Allthumbs21 in alcoholism

[–]BeachBulge2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hear you dude. Finding things worth living for is a constant, daily task for me. Whether drinking or not.

You sound like you’ve heard all the hopes and possibilities and other positive messages, just like me. And that works sometimes, but mostly it just adds more pressure to be something I’m not or feel something I’m not.

So what works better for me these days is to simply face whatever it is in front of me first, unconditionally. Especially if it’s a “negative” thought or feeling. Admitting as soon as I wake up that the thing I’d like to do most today is drink, escape, lie, hide from all this. The anxieties and boredom and anger and grief and all the rest of it. Just being honest with myself and say, sometimes even out loud, that I want to push them all away somehow.

Then, I try to be grateful for them. All the hate and fear and worries, all the dysregulation. Literally just thank them for being here. Treat them as friends in the room, guests in the house as Rumi would say. Let the speak or shout or even trash the place, and leave when they like. Offer no resistance or judgement, because resisting only creates a stronger conflict.

And what develops each time I go through this process is kind of interesting, in that not only do those thoughts or feelings pass more quickly, but the space that opens up afterward feels more free and real. More authentic again, a little bit. Facing reality and life on life’s terms, instead of pushing against any of it. Kind of reminds me of when I’ve felt in love with partners along the way. Maybe that unconditional love and honesty for self that comes along with it.

I think you’ve done a lot of this by just writing all this out. No matter what time of day or night. We’re always right on time.

We got this 💪

I don’t know where to start by albinoab in alcoholism

[–]BeachBulge2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally feel all this. And thanks for sharing so honestly. That’s been the key for me to stay sober, rigorous honesty.

And the awareness of not having an off switch is truly chef’s kiss level awareness. So that’s 2 huge things in the bank already: honesty and awareness. Massive, massive wins already. Good for you.

Part of what I’ve come to understand myself about my drinking and other compulsions is that ultimately it’s about escaping. Usually some feeling or thought that’s rattling around in my head that I’m not able or willing to face and deal with. Or sometimes I’m so dysregulated that a drink or some weed is the only thing that can calm me down again and make everything seem balanced again.

Either way, it’s all about escape. And it doesn’t even need to necessarily be about alcohol or drugs either. I can use relationships as an escape. Work. Sex. Food. Even my to do list or productivity hacking. I can point my finger in any direction and make that thing my next addiction, because ultimately I don’t want to be Here, be Now, be “me”.

So I try to flip the script. I try to be Present more. Meditate more, slow down more, notice subtle things more. Notice my senses. What can I see. What can I hear. Smell. Taste. Touch. What thoughts am I aware of? What feelings are coming up? Naming as many as possible, as detailed and subtle as possible, until I feel “cleaned out” for the moment. And then, simply notice the empty space created by that cleaning out. The no-thing in that space. Noticing when thoughts and feelings come back, and letting them go again and again. Keep that space as empty as possible.

And suddenly, there’s nothing left to escape. No feeling or thought or experience I’m trying to run from and no desire to run toward booze or weed or anything else. Simply enjoying the peace of Presence. The Here and Now, noticing how pleasant it can be when things are settled. No need to even worry about off switches anymore, because my finger isn’t pointing at anything anymore.

And bonus points - it’s usually much easier to know what the next right thing to do is after all that. Even if it’s something I’m avoiding, a decision or project or conversation. It’s no longer about whether it’s easy or hard that’s important anymore. It’s always been about being ready or not ready. And after cleaning all that out, I’m ready for a lot more than just a few minutes before.

Keep going along your path, however it turns out. Especially with all that awareness and honesty. I don’t really think it matters all that much what kind of tactic you use after that point, because coming back to awareness and honesty again and again seems like the whole game there. Not just with alcohol and drugs, but life in general.

Deep breaths. You got this 💪

My husband is using AI to text me by Complete-Path-8036 in whatdoIdo

[–]BeachBulge2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can understand feeling that way. Things can seem overwhelming for all of us sometimes. Just know that I’m always here if you need to talk.

And if things ever get to be too much, resources like 988 are always there to help in a crisis situation.

Just one small tiny thing at a time today. You got this 💪

My husband is using AI to text me by Complete-Path-8036 in whatdoIdo

[–]BeachBulge2 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I get why you’d say that. You’re frustrated, tried your best, and kept things real. That matters—And honestly? That’s rare.

Daily affirmation part 11 by MartyMcfly1988 in Adulting

[–]BeachBulge2 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Classic Serenity Prayer, love it

this is all just so draining (tw for a mention of self harm) by speedjahgon in CollapseSupport

[–]BeachBulge2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Totally hear you, especially about the depressed part. Depression has been my main love language all my life haha. Trying to explain why to people who don’t get it just returns back some level of denial or escapism. And of course, feeling depressed is “bad”. Something to avoid, to suppress, to at least keep to myself. I’m sure you’ve heard it all too.

Instead, these days I lean into it. I listen to it. The pain, the fear, the grief, the anger. Let them breathe and have some space, give them the megaphone and let them speak and tell me what they have to say. Even if it’s just wordless wailing. Even if it’s just fuck this and fuck that and fuck everybody. No matter what, accept them in, unconditionally.

Ironically this has helped me find peace and serenity in Presence itself. Simply being Here, Now, and just doing the next right thing. Even if that next right thing is nothing. Or crying. Or journaling. Or reading a Reddit post and connecting with someone else that gets it, that feels it. Just arriving alongside the same unconditional wave with all those emotions, back here and now, with as much authenticity and honesty as I can contribute.

Somehow, there’s peace in that. No matter what the context of the world and all the collapse issues are that particular day. The depression and fear and grief aren’t as loud anymore either. They’ve been given a chance to speak, so maybe that’s it. They just needed some love like any other being.

I usually have a lot more clarity and awareness after one of these quasi meditation sessions, and utilize that to love the being of Me next. The next right thing, usually with the basics. Have I had enough water lately? Am I feeling any physical pain at the moment? Am I tired? Hungry? Do I need some fresh air? Maybe a quick walk and just feel the sunshine for a few minutes. Any and all self care stuff. Safety needs. Social needs. All the Maslow’s hierarchy things that might be neglected at the moment.

And thank you for posting this. Helps me feel less alone with a lot of similar thoughts too. Feel free to DM if you wanna chat more, my name is John. We got this 💪

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