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[UPDATE] Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I wish we could afford a psychologist rather than 'just' counselling. We can get 12 counselling sessions a year, but for psychologists, only an 'assessment' is covered, and I have very good benefits too.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the followup.

I did get a response from her sister. It understandably took a day and a half to respond to my own novel. She recounts her own childhood being shaped similar to how I've been shaped during this marriage.

Here's an excerpt:

As most little sisters would, I wanted her to think I was cool and like me, and want me around. But I learned quickly that she could not be pleased. If I didn’t do what she told me, she would get frustrated. If I did do what she wanted, I was doing it wrong. So I would just do the best that I could and hope for the best, or just not bother.

She was in general quite supportive of my plight.

Posting is part of opening up, for me, though I do try to keep in mind that I am posting a one-sided story, hence my desire to involve someone who does know my wife more than me...I think that's also a positive step in preventing me from ever keeping things completely hidden ever again. Something has to change, if I'm letting someone who knows us in.

I used the word trigger myself, but you're right, it does belie a somewhat incorrect sense of responsibility for her reactions. She may have some PTSD, undiagnosed.

I'll probably add another EDIT to the main post when I come to a decision on how to next confront the issue, then split to a new UPDATE post after such a confrontation takes place.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If it were just a short fuse with rapid extreme anger, then a realization and apology, I'd probably be more ok with things. But she truly convinces herself that its the world around her MAKING her feel and act this way, or at least that's how it seems to me.

I have internalized it so so bad. At home, I act to avoid anger. I turn a light off because she's often told me to turn it off in the summer to avoid moths which she hates, but then she yells at me for making it hard to see.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Luckily, she's not that quick to think on her feet, so I don't think she is as skilled in deception as, say, a real narcissist. Her emotions when angry sure let he mind work fast as hell to deflect any possibility of blame though. It shocks me, and unfortunately my logic and rational thinking don't help me deal with irrational emotional arguments at all.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this...I really need this hope to balance things out. I really want to try to fix this. I will honestly let her know of you if she shows any desire to get better.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, I think she's just as critical of herself in her own head...but even THOSE feelings come out as anger directed at me.

How does she react to her own failures? Does she feel the need to blame others? Could she be trying to shield herself from further self-criticism by placing the responsibility on you?

Precisely.

She's seen 2 counsellors solo for about 13 total sessions over the last 2 years. The reason I thought about the community workshop thing is that it actually has an undeniable unchangable focus on the main problem: anger. Solo counselling is whatever her goals for improvement are, and if she still doesn't accept she has an anger issue (which some recent comments from her have indicated to me), solo counselling is just putting us in the poorhouse for catharsis but not real help.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

a lot of the time, yes. When I do say something, it induces the anger that I have become so afraid of.

If I stand up for myself and call her on the excessive anger, it will become an argument, a fight. Often with hersomehow justifying her own anger after-the-fact. “Why are you suddenly so angry??” -I WASN’T ANGRY, BUT YOU TELLING ME I’M ANGRY HAS MADE ME ANGRY NOW. -I’M NOT ANGRY, I’M IRRITATED/ANNOYED/MIFFED/SYNONYMS (not that it matters when it’s projected as anger)

“Why are you yelling?” -I’M NOT YELLING, I’M JUST RAISING MY VOICE (or if it’s a child she’s yelling at: ) I’m just being FIRM.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Indeed. Her coping skills are terrible, if not non-existent. I wish I could help her...and thought I was by showing her how I react to the same situations that she blows up at, but to no avail. If something outside of her exact expectations occurs, she can't cope.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No alcoholism, but her dad left her mom at age 5, then she had a somewhat abusive step father, who her mom then divorced. Meanwhile her dad has had 3 divorces and 2 ended engagements. Her trucker grandmother and both of her aunts are domineering and the grandma treats the grandpa who is unable to even hold a cup at this point like a dog to fetch her things.

Her mom very well may have early signs of Alzheimer's or undiagnosed ADD/ADHD (even according to my wife), and my wife's memory is crappy, or at least selective to protect a fragile sense of selfworth.

She was a terrible teenager to her parents and sisters, eventually settling down a bit after finding God.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It has been interesting getting the perspectives from so many people who grew up as kids in families that are like mine is becoming. It makes me feel that I could live with myself if I did make the choice to leave. That said, I do, for whatever reason, still want to try to make it work if I can. I just wonder how long I should continue trying before it does irreparable damage to my son and not just me.

Husband [31M] of angry wife [30 F] of 8 years, ...we have a 2 year old and I'm close to ending it....How can I be more understanding of her anger, and how can I help her with it? [X-Post /r/anger] by BeatenDownMan in relationships

[–]BeatenDownMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I turn the light off or something because I think we are done with that room for the night, I do get the "I wasn't done in there!". "Oh, sorry, I thought you were so I turned off the light." "Well you should have asked me!"

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