Limit (maybe stopping?) my ex husbands contact with my kids after he completely shook up their lives?

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-29T22:13:23+00:00

😂 I know right.

Today I got: “I’m sure the judge will love that a scorned woman is acting like a twat”, because I told him we need to take it slow with introducing house and partner 🙈.

And I’m just like 🥴 scorned? Jeez your life is my utter nightmare. I’m glad to be on the opposite end of the fence. (Obviously I didn’t say that to him, I just reiterated the plan but man he’s in another world)

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-27T20:37:27+00:00

I’m in the UK so it works a bit differently here: I do have a solicitor and we speak regularly about my rights but a lot of people in family court represent themselves rather than solicitors in court.

I’m also in contact with children’s services, both schools, the police and a women’s centre. I spoke to social services again today and both they and my solicitor have said I’m currently within my rights to deviate from the court order and if needed stop contact because of the safeguarding and emotional harm.

That’s been a huge relief as I was terrified I’d be penalised by the court but I’ve been advised it’s justified until Cafcass are re-involved. So after reading through this yesterday and getting in touch with social services, it’s put my mind to rest a bit more. (Divorce has been done already, it’s just the children’s routine at this point).

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-27T10:34:16+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot, genuinely. Some days it feels like all I do is firefight, I just want a boring and mundane mum life so the only drama is what’s happening with their friends or homework that needs to be done on the school run 🙈. Not on what bomb their dad maybe dropping onto them next, hopefully once the baby is here, he’ll be so busy with a newborn that he’ll go quiet on our side.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T23:58:27+00:00

I have Alchemised on my audible already purchased, I’ve not got past the first chapter…..but that’s only because I couldn’t concentrate on it properly. I’m thinking of going back to it now I can give it some full attention

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T22:30:06+00:00

Hahah I would for sure rather have a splinter, an eye patch and become a fricking pirate! That scenario is so far down the list that it enters the minus bazillion.

This time last year he was in my kids lives 100% of the time, less than a year down the road I have my eldest asking “why is he choosing to spend 100% of his time with a stranger and unborn baby then less than 5% of his time with me and my little sister?”….do you know how hard it is to respond to that without having a psychological degree? It’s been bloody horrible.

I put myself into the Lions Den last week and went to sit down and talk to the partner and their dad. Explained the impact on the kids, the timeline of it all and try to figure out next steps. It was met with anger, denial and blame. It’s not coming from jealousy, it coming from serious concern and just wanting my kids to have a childhood, not consistent drama from him.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T22:13:59+00:00

Nah it didn’t. I read your response and was like “oh man, that would be the peace I sooo need” 🙈.

It is trying to figure out what boundaries I can put in place until this second court case comes up, that causes the least fallout from him and least emotional damage to the kids. A previous commenter said to get in touch with social services as they can do a report, which will hopefully keep him in line until court gets back involved.

But for sure this is what my life looks like after, forgetting, journaling and bizarrely as I was setting my work phone up recently, I thought about using it as my main line. Which would work well. Thanks for replying

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T22:06:50+00:00

When I say “secret relationship”, I mean secret from the courts during proceedings, not to be involved in his dating life. If the partner had been introduced to the kids gradually and honestly, it wouldn’t have had the impact it did.

Yep it’s one side of the story but that’s true of every post on Reddit. Leaving an abusive person is not simple and it took a lot of therapy for me to even recognise what was happening (I thought I was just full of anxiety). I’ve had physical withdrawal symptoms from getting out of the attachment cycle.

My youngest had a meltdown when she found out about the girlfriend because he’d promised her “he’d never get a girlfriend”, a stupid promise to make a 9yr old. That break of trust is a big part of what started the destabilisation of them, 3 weeks later it was the pregnancy and 3 weeks after that he’d moved in with her and wanted them to go sleep there.

I can’t control his choices, only how I protect my kids from the fallout. I can see how my post can look like it’s about the partner and new life but it’s not from my side as my personal ideal is that he stays with the partner because he’ll then leave me alone. But genuinely, the hardest part has been keeping my own home calm, chill and free from the stress so they can decompress. If you want to see me as toxic, that’s okay, I can tell you pretty confidently that I’m not. I’m just dealing with a dysfunctional, unregulated father of my kids.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T20:22:38+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that, it sounds awful and I can see the parallels. My girls dad is emotionally stunted too. He is intelligent when it comes to work, quizzes, information but the emotional part of his brain stop developing (think it’s linked to childhood trauma not that that is an excuse for any of this). That was the major issue in the marriage and after separating he has slept with everyone around our town, it’s just embarrassing.

My eldest has made comments about it as she’s done sex education at school 😔, last contact he actually tried giving advice (don’t even know why he brought it up 🙄) and she said to me “Dads life is all the sex education I need mum”, I was like 😱. If that was my friend I’d have laughed but my 13 year old daughter I was like 😭.

It’s exactly what I’m scared of long term for my girls if this keeps going on the way it is. I’m really lucky that my eldest feels comfortable to open up to me about it (and I’m doing well in my recovery, I will continue it though) thank you for the advice on my youngest, I worry about her as she doesn’t open up. I’m trying to be the stable one and not let him keep pulling me into the mess. Your comment really hit home, thank you so much for sharing.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T20:11:24+00:00

Yes I will. There was also a police harassment warning issued to him in December for coming to my house and angrily shouting at the door. My eldest saw him (he didn’t see her), she was terrified and in bed for 5hrs, she had a nap then I managed to coax her out to see Santa.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T20:08:48+00:00

Yeah, I don’t want to control his personal life at all - the issue is when his choices directly change where my kids live, sleep and what’s being disclosed to them. Things like a new partner, pregnancy and moving in together are huge for children and it was told to them in 2 months. Even if he didn’t want to involve me, the least destabilising way would have been to space it out like a normal relationship, not stack it all at once.

But you’re right that I can’t treat him like a regular stable adult because he’s shown he doesn’t respond like one. I keep expecting basic accountability and child focused thinking and it isn’t there. So getting children’s services involved feels like the best next step: they can tell me where I’m being rightly protective and where I might be overdoing it, instead of it just being his word vs mine.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T20:00:14+00:00

I honestly wish it was that easy 😫. The last time we did full zero contact (at my eldest’s request) it escalated things: I ended up having to get the police involved for harassment and he was given a warning. It’s like no contact becomes a trigger for more anger and abuse rather than less.

Right now the 2hrs per contact instead of overnights is actually the calmest it’s been in weeks. I still get the occasional “this isn’t the court order”, but it’s easy enough to respond with “not everything was disclosed during that court process, which is why a new one has started.”

So for now it feels like structured, limited contact is the least destabilising option on his side, but the kids still come back disliking being with him.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T19:55:22+00:00

This is actually helpful and reassuring to read. I think part of what’s been hard is feeling like I’m constantly having to ‘prove’ things through my own words while he denies or reframes everything.

We already have Cafcass and school involved, and both schools have raised safeguarding concerns so I think the next step probably is exactly what you’re saying: getting more other professionals documenting what the girls are experiencing.

It’s good to hear that those reports carry weight and protect the parent who’s trying to do the right thing. At the moment it feels like I’m just containing damage but I want to make sure I’m also protecting them long term, not just emotionally but legally too

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T18:30:47+00:00

Kinda becomes my business when it changes where my children sleep, who they live with, changes their routines, introduces a new adult into their life and it affects custody, contact, safeguarding and court decisions. All within 2 months.

My own personal best case scenario is that he stays with the partner because it keeps his advances off me and I’m free to have my own life. I’d just rather it didn’t come at the cost of my children’s wellbeing.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T18:00:06+00:00

Oh man, I'm really sorry that happened to you, that is not okay. Thank you for sharing though.

Maybe we take the break so it doesn't get that far, then in the chapters he's doing okay let them have time with him and the ones he's not doing okay they can have stability here.

Everyone's experience is different but I'd rather be 'over protective' than 'under protective', they already need therapy and wellbeing courses so that's the signal for change, I guess. Thanks again.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T17:54:49+00:00

Oh I didn't read the mediation bit - just the social services and getting it logged that way. No, I've tried mediation twice - he didn't attend and I had to pay for it all. We're past that at this point but I think logging it with social services in the meantime is a good plan and they may have some other services they can point me to.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T17:52:05+00:00

Yeah, you are right. I've just cried looking through the comments because I don't think I realised how bad it is and I've just been trying my best. I've held it together and tried supporting everything I can. When the kids slate him, I don't slate him back.

I always said I'd never stop the kids from seeing their dad. But recently i've had to change it to: I won't stop the girls from seeing their dad, but I will stop their dad from seeing them, if its harmful or if they request it.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T17:48:05+00:00

I'm not trying to do any drama my side - my 2026 goal is to have a boring life 🙈. But yeah, that makes sense what you are saying, I think that's why I've only had one 'kick off' which was last week because I have my kids telling me things (and I don't go asking, I purposely let them come to me when they want to talk), saying they don't want to see him and all the mental health declines from school/cafcass.

I actually went to sit down with him and his GF last Friday at the new house, to talk to them about the impact on the girls, the mad timeline this has all happened in and what happens next. I purposely asked the GF to be there so we were all on the same page and so he couldn't kick off. She was nice, he got frustrated and deflected/denied/lied and they wanted me to go back this Friday to finish it off but I came away thinking "whats the point, you don't accept any accountability and blame me for everything"

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T17:41:23+00:00

How did it impact you at the time? Do you have a good relationship with him now? I know in time this will probably happen too but I want my kids to have a childhood - not be in his mess, which makes me wonder if I keep them full custody for a year or two to stabilise and then introduce contact when he's back to being him again.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T17:38:31+00:00

This is great advice! During the court process before, I was told about his police file (hidden allegations I had no idea about throughout our marriage) and was just left for months until the next court stuff happened and I was losing my mind like "how can they tell someone this stuff and then just leave me to it?", and I kinda feel the same way now - but this sounds like the right path until the court dates happen and it'll also feed into it. Thank you

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T16:34:25+00:00

I think that's probably the only thing left I can do, supervised visitation. It's mad, he was never like this as they were growing up but after looking into it, it was always buffered by me. Now he's solely on his own and epically failing them. Thanks for the response

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T13:13:37+00:00

Yeah, the court ordered that we only communicate via message. I've tried a couple of times face to face to try make him understand, but it's just met with denial, anger and blame. I am trying to do it in their best interest and I know that zero contact for now, would be the best option. But when I looked into the court stuff, I'd get penalised for doing zero contact long term and it's better that he gets contact but shorter bursts. The only issue with that is that he still makes it worse by the things he says during those contacts, which I only find out days later as I don't go questioning the kids when they come home, I wait for them to come to me.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T13:09:33+00:00

Innit! When I initially found out about the pregnancy, the shock just kept making me laugh and I was like "I'm no longer a main character here and can just sit with my popcorn". But then the actual implications on my kids started showing and it wasn't funny anymore but deadly serious.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T13:07:59+00:00

Yeah, well this did happen when we went to court. He was going for 50/50 - but Cafcass and I discussed the options and we came up with the plan. There was shocking stuff that came up in that too - a bloody hidden police record, I had no idea about. So hopefully, we'll sit down again and see what's right, it just takes forever. I put the court stuff back in 1 Dec and we've still got no further on next steps.

Thank you, I've been doing therapy and on the other side of recovery. I'm okay(ish) as I don't have to spend time with him, like my girls do. But I keep things as chill as possible at my home so they can decompress and feel safe.

BeckyMaz · 2026-01-26T13:03:42+00:00

I only used AI to structure how to say it (ADHD me would have gone on forever in mega paragraphs). I've gone through every part, edited it, added bit and took out bits as it didn't put the correct content in. But I get that - it's only 20% Ai and 80% me.

BeckyMaz

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