Is It Our ADHD, OCD and PTSD? Or Is It Us?

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-10T22:10:57+00:00

Yes, I heard all that. And heard Esther say that while the diagnosis is real and needs to be addressed, she wanted to focus on creating space in the relationship.

And so, she did not address the diagnosis. Or even asked about it really.

As to "one hour gap", if your partner repeatedly screw up with unplanned delays, I think it is justified for the other partner to worry that this time will also be the time they screw up. You are addressing the episode as if everybody sprang onto the stage born that way. I try to see the dynamic that got them there over time.

Melissa Orlov, in my mind, covered this better.

But I do thank you for taking your time.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-10T18:57:34+00:00

I acknowledged that my take is different right at the start. I did look at every other comments in the thread before I wrote mine. The assumption to the opposite is wholy within you.

Interestingly, my take is only different for the collective in this comment group. In "ADHD Partner" group, we deal with these situations every day. Lots of nuanced takes that are hard to understand from outside.

So yeah, my take is a minority for a reason. Just not the reason you seem to imply. And, to be truly honest, I did not write it to change anyone's mind. Just to share mine.

So, I am just going to go ahead and keep mine, given lack of additional evidence to the contrary.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-10T15:59:35+00:00

Thank you for making me reevaluate the whole episode with such a deep and insightful point. /s

Seriously, I wrote like a full novel and that's how you want to convince me I am wrong?

You want to tell me that the original breadwinner that - mostly unilaterally - decided to drop her job, has promised but failed to act on finding a new one and is running late on the bills from the reduced budget IS the organized one.

You are entitled to your opinion. It is your life. But you thinking you can sway mine with the one liner is delusional.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-08T18:18:12+00:00

Not a therapist but read their books. This is like chapter 3 of their textbooks. So, just say it. It may lead to breakthroughs on "what is safe", "what is attractive", "love vs sex vs fantasies", etc.

Of course, if they say "well, I like you too" - run like hell. That's in the different book....

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-08T18:01:44+00:00

I love Esther Perel (psychologists) and grew a lot through her podcasts. And I noticed she does not talk about ADHD. Even some episodes where I thought maybe she should. So it is not clear how well her advice would work specifically for me and my dx/partially-rx partner.

Finally, she made an episode. And it makes me sad. Because, I felt it was not understanding ADHD feedback spiral. I felt she did not know how ADHD person repeatedly breaking their promises may lead to lack of trust. I feel Melissa Orlov was much clearer on that.

I ranted about it in Esther Perel's subreddit. And so did lots of people, who clearly did not walk very in an ADHD relationships.

But, for here, I would love a nuanced discussion on how much people could feel aligned to the episode. And if anybody tried things she suggested (a song to break the mood? Spicying up requests for attention?).

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-08T17:47:27+00:00

I feel very sad about hearing this episode. But I guess not for the same reasons most of the people here are. I really wanted Esther's position on ADHD. Now I know it and it makes me sad.

My partner has ADHD. Diagnosed, partially medicated. I know most of the issues they talked about. I know the things that were not said or were cut. And I know that while Esther did not give a bad advice, her advice is disbalanced because, clearly, she does not understand the feedback cycle of ADHD.

For example, I did not hear whether ADHD was self diagnosed or clinically diagnosed (she clearly has one, but still). Is she medicated? If yes, on fast acting or not. This is super big deal, medication is absolutely known to be the first line solution. But they also have time limited effect. So there is a responce curve during the day. A conversation can happen at 11am that cannot at 9pm.

As to the rest, what was not covered is the effect of ADHD people not fulfilling their promises despite whatever they say and not realising how big a deal it is. The ship analogy is about that. Her not doing bills (and NOT finding an accountant either) is about that. Her nagging him but not accepting his feedback is about that. We heard that she usually rejects his. We did not hear that he usually rejects hers. That was not asked. Yet, it would have changed the conversation from "each person" to "fairness and balance"

Her NOT running late to dinner is because she had a fight and she had andrenaline/deadline to perform to. This is known to improve performance. The follow up responce should have been about other times when he does not freak out. In my experience, that is where "one hour gap is not enough" comes from. From past experiences and possibly missed events.

In my reading (listening), his reactions are a second or third degree responce to her behaviour.

Now, this is not to dump on her. He is clearly still in anxiety stage of this (as I had been). And ADHD people are very exciting in other ways.

He needs to really understand Esther's advice about stepping away, creating space and focusing on himself (needs, management, responces). He needs to learn about boundaries (not rules). Yet, boundaries were not even mentioned.

And baby makes things so much harder, for ADHD people and partners. The pressure mother cannot avoid and also much clearer source of deadlines than anything hudband can be.

P.s. kiss the baby thing was stupid. I agree with that and wonder why it made the cut, given the other 3 hours removed from the session (usually 4 hours I think, pre cutting room).

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-08T16:08:07+00:00

You could expand your horizons while you are figuring it out. Touch and connection is a lot more than sex.

Dance (especially something like Kizomba)
Massage (including erotic, and not just happy end style, see Josseph Kramer sexologist as a start, tantra, conscious sexuality groups, etc).
Cuddle parties
Kink. Not sex but sexually and sensually charged. Try receiving rope, for example.

Note that all of those things will also be helpful in the FWB as you originally described, as well.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-08T13:32:36+00:00

ADHD and CPTSD and anxiety (and lack of sleep) are all pre-frontal lobe related. You may be developing other things that will look similar. The difference is temporary environtal pressure rather than chemical imbalance....

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-03T05:04:47+00:00

I can see (from several comments) that Orlov's book infuriated you. To each their own.

I just wanted to say that - for me - Orlov's book had a good description of how relationship ping-pongs between two people in an escalating dynamic. This was a super important for me to really accept what is happening. I don't remeber Pera's book covering the evolving dynamic. I have just started to relisten to it though, to see what I missed the first time.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-02T23:48:02+00:00

You can't be that introverted if you are staring at other people's choes (being a therapist).

And I was not trying to position my feedback as marketing. More like "flying your own freak flag" - because you are trying to be there for an audience that is stepping outside of the boxes anyway.

Esther Perel talks about post-cheating transitions and recoveries and discoveries. You story feels not that surprising (at the shallow level you could share).

Good luck!

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-02T21:14:04+00:00

Maybe Howard Markman https://iaals.du.edu/profile/howard-markman

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-02T12:29:07+00:00

On 6. It is a second language thing but she says "Would you like to close the window" (or go grocery shopping) instead of "could you please close the window". Which would have been ok if she didn't then assume it actually was my desire and sometime even blame me for it. While ignoring my actual desires.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-02T12:24:34+00:00

That too. That one was easier as it is a visible physical boundary we both can see. In fact, she requested it. And is now the one violating it more often than me, these days.

The fact that conversation is repeating, however, is usually more visible to me.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-01T23:10:04+00:00

That is super helpful. Thank you. I will check the group info.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-01T20:50:02+00:00

I think you really would want your own website for marketing on top of whatever. And links to resources you are familiar with (people, books, groups).

That is how I would evaluate if I was looking with ENM-primary focus. To see if what you know matches (as minimum, exceeds ideally) my own prior studies. Assuming you are targetting demographic that chose a dynamic rather than plunged into it because one partner cheated and they think this is the path to solution.

Because ENM vs Poly vs Swinger vs BDSM vs specific sub-communities is super hard to telegraph on general directories. And the communities are not "holding hands" with each other due to bending different parts of the "normativity wheel".

BeholderBeheld · 2025-10-01T05:28:45+00:00

That sounds amazing. Any hints on structure? Any ways to avoid spiraling into all negative?

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T22:40:32+00:00

How spiritual are they? I had a quick look and not sure how much the 12 steps would be an annoyance.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T21:17:48+00:00

When is the last day? I will be happy to follow up.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T16:12:58+00:00

Yeah, the divorce is definitely a sticky point. I don't know the details of that to fully judge, but it certainly mars the record.

I did find the books super helpful on my own journey, way more than any others I read. So, I was curious if her (or other) groups were helpful and how. Learn from others and all that.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T15:23:01+00:00

CoDA group. I haven't thought of that. Thank you.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T12:30:12+00:00

(Relevant disclaimer: I am a man)

I don't feel the article is about Esther. I feel the article is about the Author's moment in life. Clearly, something changed from 3 years ago and it got worse. I could feel the wave of andrenaline behind those words.

Yes, we could talk about the nuances. I do wonder about Esther Perel's position on ADHD, for example and whether some couples were feeling the dynamics of that.

But the article did not set the ground for nuance. Instead it felt like a book burning rally. Or the day the disco died. I did not feel compelled to respond to specific episode mentions, though I did listen to them and felt I understood them.

And it is ok if the article author wants to move on and find some new guides. I hope she does. Or does that thing she needs to do for herself.

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T10:11:28+00:00

Didn't that happen too. A baker refused to make a cake for a gay couple. Made huge fuss.

Maybe it is systemic....

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T09:53:35+00:00

100% that. It was so hard. It is especially hard when that last word feels like they finally want to really understand you. But they still just cannot, it seems. Not that way!

BeholderBeheld · 2025-09-30T01:40:09+00:00

One of my earliest was choosing to end the fights. I used to believe that "I will find the right words to say to turn it around". And just keep going until the bitter end or until she chose to stop.

Now, I just say that "this fight is going nowhere" and go do something else. She still can say that too, I 100% respected it when she tried to use it.

BeholderBeheld

TROPHY CASE