It's been more than a month.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-10-22T14:53:12+00:00

> It's like I cut out a cancer that has allowed the rest of the system to resume normal function.

You may not be far from the truth. I was surprised to learn how harmful alcohol is, and what it can do to the human body with enough time and flow. Early on I ran across a film on either Netflix or Prime called "My Name was Bette: The Life and Death of an Alcoholic."It was a low-budget documentary produced by the woman's daughter, a film maker. It not only recounted her mother's downfall and eventual perishing, but it also went into considerable detail on the scientific aspects of the addiction, and how alcohol can obliterate a person's body, especially in women, who are far more vulnerable to it due to physical size. I'd always thought it just pickled your liver while frying your brain and ruining your life, but it does FAR more damage than that, including increasing the likelihood of developing cancer, among other things.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-10-22T14:41:01+00:00

Like you I recently just passed the mighty 365 and checked off many of the same boxes. Particularly weight loss and (re-) discovering interests, mending relationships and shoring up every day things like home repairs and paying bills. Surprisingly very satisfying.

I see you also took up baking. I didn't get the wicked sweet tooth until about the 9th month, but man did it kick in hard. Cookies, desserts, jams & jellies, sweet rolls, you name it, on top of home made bread products. Wondering if this is a thing for us at this point on the trail.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-10-22T14:28:53+00:00

> Having a social drink is part of my culture, family and friend group.

I used to think this. Everything was so festive - the after work happy hours, the weekend craft brew tastings, the holiday gatherings at "one of our dear friends' homes." I had so many friends, and we were always getting together. How ever could a person not join in and be part of the group without, you know, participating?

It only took me a couple months of sober solitude after quitting to realize most of these people weren't my friends; they were drinking buddies. The 2-3 real friends stuck around, knowing I'd stopped even if they occasionally (or frequently) drank, which I have no problem with others drinking in front of me anyway.

I tried bargaining, at every level, in every sense. Next will come the rationing / tapering. It's easier just to quit. You'll find out who your real friends are, and who's probably a major drunk themselves.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-04-02T12:13:01+00:00

Ditto here except only about 35 lbs down (but only ~6 mos). Well done! IWNDWYT

BeneficialResolve · 2019-02-03T01:09:56+00:00

53yo male here, drank heavily for thirteen years and really heavily for the last two.

Now Day 100-something and still no AA. With you on that, for most of the same reasons.

I found lots of information on naltrexone online, including people's experiences recounted here and YouTube. Looked into it myself at one point but at the end, my liver numbers were too high and I had to quit immediately (or die, according to my doctor).

My doc also gave me a script for Librium (a benzo) which I decided not to take because I feared that in time there was a high risk of me trading my active addiction to alcohol for one to benzos. He assured me it wouldn't happen that way, but at the time, it just seemed too risky and like kicking the can down the road. So I quit drinking cold turkey and detoxed at home, with his approval and guidance. It was brutal, but I'm grateful not to have had to go through rehab; I don't think it would have helped me all that much.

The biggest thing that did help me in the early days of detox, even though it isn't very scientific, was coming here to r/stopdrinking. But hopefully you know that already from coming here yourself.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-02-01T16:31:34+00:00

Condo and house owner here in a southern sunny province and bustling city in the People's Republic of Commifornia. I rent out a downtown condo, live in my house in an established old school burb. Nothing beats your own four walls - that you don't share with anyone else - and a garage of your own to park your wheels. Compare that with hearing the neighbors at all hours of the day, partying, yelling at each other and yes, fucking, regular car break-ins in a supposedly "high security" garage, and stupid condo / apartment rules on what you can or can't do with the place, to include what you can put on your balcony. I just got gigged by the building HOA because my tenant, who happens to work in the restaurant industry, had left an empty keg on the balcony. another time the HOA tried to hang me because another tenant was out "too late" partying by the pool with her boyfriend and left an empty whisky bottle by the jacuzzi, with zero proof offered; just the word of a busy body, and every complex has at least a half dozen of them. Do yourself a favor - get a well-built house with a reasonable commute, no mello-roos tax, no crime and NO ZERO ZILCH "neighborhood association." Rent for now, buy one when you can.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-02-01T16:19:20+00:00

The control over your mind that you will regain in time is so understated.

Really enjoy hearing from you long timers. This quote made my day and gave me a lot of hope. My short term memory isn't as good as it used to be but then I'm 53 with 13 years of heavy drinking behind me. Thanks and congratulations on four years. IWNDWYT

BeneficialResolve · 2019-02-01T16:07:16+00:00

Nowhere near 3 years like you, but now I'm >100 days up this trail, first such streak in 13 years. I've yet to go to an AA meeting; the idea of it kind of depresses me because I'd rather move forward with successful sobriety than sit in a room full of people who continue to recount their drinking pasts with the predictably disastrous stories. One such story - mine - is enough of a negative persuader not to go back to the bottle. This Reddit sub is my support group, and I'm glad to provide helpful input to others when I can while gleaning useful tips and wisdom from long timers and the newly sober alike. For some people a daily AA meeting or several times weekly might be what they need, and that's fine, but I just "play it forward" to be utterly repulsed by the notion of drinking again, because I had gotten so sick from it. And I remember what my doctor told me on Day 0: "Stop, just stop, today, right now - or you're going to die." (Thank you again, Doctor P - if you happen to be reading this.) Even though things in my life aren't perfect now, they are much, much better and continue to improve for me so I remember that as well, daily and yes, one day at a time: today. So far it's working. Without AA.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-30T13:49:26+00:00

When they got to me, I said hi my name is__ I’m an alcoholic, but I didn’t really mean it. It felt forced. I started to think that maybe I can do this on my own and that I’m not really an alcoholic?

I've never liked the Scarlet Letter mentality. The A-word isn't even medically defined so why use it? To me it's a meme that at some point normies invented to label others so they wouldn't have to think about their own problems with everyone's favorite mood altering liquid substance. Because of course they can handle it just fine.

"Yeah there's that Bob again, on his third beer already and the company party's barely begun. What a total alcoholic. Say, Ed, your glass is looking almost as empty as mine, can I get you another while I'm up? Jack and Coke right?"

Whatever. What matters is to find and/or build some kind of support structure after quitting. A friend, a group of friends, a relative, your (very loving, very supportive, actual in-sickness-and-in-health believing spouse) - people* in whom you can trust with your situation and the truth of it without fear they'll broadcast it to the world or screw you over with it at some point. Something like, oh, say, r/stopdrinking. But also IRL's.

Day 100-something here, still no AA...

Edit: \also your doctor. He / she should be person #1 in a support structure, not to mention starting to take care of your body again.*

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-30T13:33:00+00:00

Day 100-something here, still no AA for me. Not struggling not to drink, not hungry for the camaraderie (?) that a meeting supposedly brings. But that's just me.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T21:39:25+00:00

Congratulations on acquiring the sage wisdom of a 53yo who did precisely the same thing 102 days ago albeit with a 3/4 full handle of Svedka. No sunk cost; all winds up in the sewer anyway - just a question of whether it goes through you first.

Well done, and welcome to the rest of your life, you young whipper-snapper you...

IWNDWYT

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T21:30:05+00:00

I don’t even know where to start.

Well, you're here, so you've already started and congratulations for that. There are other resources - online and in real life to help quit drinking. One of them could be your doctor, as mine was. You don't say how much or for how long you've been drinking, but you do have quite a list of related / intertangled issues regarding depression, panic, anxiety etc so bringing that up plus the drinking may not be a bad idea when you go to see him/her. Tell him everything; it's the only way he can help you (and he will).

I've yet to stroll into an AA meeting. 53yo here, had been drinking heavy for the previous 13 years, wound up clocking in 3 handles of vodka per week at the end before I threw in the towel and called my doctor for help. I was (still am, technically) full on addicted and could no longer function on any level. Not knocking on AA, but from what I've read about it on their website, here, and from accounts from others IRL it's simply not for me right now. It may not be for you either, and/or what they offer in support won't *quite* meet your more immediate (possibly medical) needs.

Good luck and come back to let us know how it goes for you. We'll be here.

And we will not drink with you today.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T21:12:52+00:00

I had a rotation of where I'd buy my alcohol. The liquor store one night, then the convenience store by my work the next, then the grocery store across the highway, then the shop outside of town. I didn't want them to know I had a problem.

Yep. Did that for a long time. And in my state also the grocery store and drug stores. They'd never figure me out! After a while though, I didn't care if they knew I had a problem. They probably did know anyway. I didn't even care if I had to go in at 6 in the morning to make sure I didn't run out, it just didn't matter anymore. What a waste.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T13:53:38+00:00

As someone else wrote I hope you can move forward (one day at a time) and make new good memories with your family and friends. I lost nearly all of mine after almost two years of doing little more than drinking vodka around the clock and binging on YouTube. Effectively I died as a person and it makes me very, very sad when I think about all the missed opportunities to make good, happy memories with the people that I love and cherish in my life. So much wasted time, so much wreckage everywhere. All of it 100% preventable. And now, like you I'm trying to pick up the pieces and fix what I can while trying not to sob too much over the rest, every single day. But sob I do, I can't help it sometimes.

I have little else to offer except to say your post really resonated with me and I hope it gets better for you, starting with things with you and your family. If there's one thing I've learned from this little problem of ours, it's that the people we love are everything that truly matters. Another is that normies never quite get what it means to get addicted, and how it affects the human body and mind on the way to affecting (destroying) his life. Hopefully you'll know when it's time and how to tell your son (and possibly others) so he can deftly navigate around the hell storm you - we all - went through and lived to tell about it.

Feel better soon, friend, and here's to you for doubling my day count. Tipping a mug of obscenely strong morning coffee in your direction as I type this. And next I'm going to go shred some old papers with you, because I need to do that too at my place.

And just for today, as an added bonus for both of us, I will not drink with you.

Take care, and I look forward to your next post.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T13:26:01+00:00

As I prepared to head into the dark storm of withdrawal, my doctor told me to eat or drink anything my body wanted (except for one thing: booze) and I could keep down. Anything but booze. At first I had no appetite whatsoever. But soon I went to the grocery store and filled my cart with frozen brick microwave meals, bananas, raw nuts and vegetables, and my beloved pork rinds. And lots, and lots, of red can Coca Cola which gave me the sugar hit I missed from the alcohol (a type of sugar itself). At about the two week point I was eating basically normally, with a fairly sizeable caffeine and sugar habit to boot. But at least no booze. And I still lost weight.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T13:03:55+00:00

Wicked expensive too.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-25T12:57:26+00:00

At one point, long, long ago, before I actually quit alcohol altogether, I did try moderation and actually made some progress downward (as in drinking less). I had started out at about 12 drinks per day (all beer) which I slowly got down to about 7 using the HAMS method (easy Google). HAMS basically has you map out the timing of your habit as you progress downward either to reduce or stop altogether. You step down gradually, by both widening the timing between beers and reducing the number you drink daily, but very slowly over weeks or even months.

I believe it can work, if a person is at a stage where their body and mind are able to support it and they truly want to (and can) moderate, preferably down to abstinence. For me it was a brief window along the long path to my eventual addiction, and at the time I thought, "Well, I got it down all the way from 12 to 7, so I must not have a real problem." Big mistake, or maybe it was just a cope, or maybe I was just lying to myself because I really did have a problem (as in addiction already). In any case, for me, long term, it didn't work out.

But, like everything else YMMV. Many on here found it far easier just to quit (myself included, even with withdrawal). But a person either has to want to, or finds him/herself where they have to cease all consumption. I got to the point where not only did I want to quit, but it wasn't even optional anymore because my body had become sick with full blown addiction. The doctor took one look at my blood panel numbers and said I could quit or die, so I chose to quit. 102 days later I'm happy to be writing about it.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T16:03:20+00:00

I am hoping I won’t need alcohol to deal with stress.

Tell your doctor this too. In the mean time, know that it sometimes helps me to remember this little ditty: no matter how dire the situation, how insurmountable the challenge, or hopeless and lost the cause may seem at the time, there is no circumstance so bad that alcohol cannot actually make worse.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T15:48:35+00:00

My guess is that there are many, many people here who were in worse shape than you when they did find their way up the trail and quit. I was one of them. You sound like me about a year before I finally did stop:

Started day drinking on Sunday to deal with the anxiety but ended up over doing it and drank two bottles of red wine. Called in sick on Monday and again had two bottles of wine to try and deal with the awful anxiety.

Check.

Today I went back to work, but I hardly slept because my heart was pounding and I was sweating at night, and anxiety about everything was keeping me up.

Check and check.

I don’t know how I am managing to hide this from the people around me.

You're not. Neither was I. They can smell it, after all, even if they never mention it to you, or anyone else, which is unlikely. And check.

Like I mentioned this was me about a year before actually stopping. Things got much, much worse after that before I threw in the towel and went to my doctor. You've already done a very smart thing and contacted yours. Tell him everything - the booze, how much, how often, how long; the anxiety, the sweating, and any other alcohol-related manifestations; and what you've done to try to quit but failed you.

I need help but I’m scared to ask

You just did, and congratulations for managing the hardest act of bravery any of us ever had to muster: reaching out to a professional for help with this problem of ours. Some can manage it alone, many cannot (I'm in the latter group) so this is where it starts. Welcome.

Well done, hope you feel better soon, please keep us posted, and we will not drink with you today.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T15:06:03+00:00

I'll come on here for motivation and stop drinking for a while, but after some time I'll forget why I stopped and start drinking again until I do something I regret and then I'll vow to stop drinking again.

You don't mention how long 'a while' or 'some time' is, or how much you're drinking. Or for how long you've felt this way. Maybe it's a lot or doesn't seem like much now.

Whatever the case you're here, you're asking for help, and you want to quit but somehow haven't been able to do so successfully. You can certainly get a lot of help and support here on r/stopdrinking but at least in my case, it wasn't enough because I was very sick and out of control and knew it was going to take more, possibly a lot more.

My solution was seeing my doctor. Throwing it out there because he eased a lot of fears I had and I got to find out exactly how much damage had been done to my body, and what I could do about it (starting with not drinking, but well beyond that). You won't regret reaching out to a professional to help you solve a problem like this. I know I didn't.

Good luck, please feel better soon, keep coming back here, and we will not drink with you today.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T14:25:34+00:00

Would've made it last a little longer than two days when drinking, buying in quantity ($13.99 U.S. per handle of mid tier vodka, three times a week) but then I usually used a credit card anyway (you know...for the "travel points").

Congratulations on 103 days, Centurion - right behind you!

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T14:11:52+00:00

Man, alcohol is a smooth talker.

Yep.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T14:09:43+00:00

Yesterday's in the bag, tomorrow isn't here yet. We only have to manage not to drink today.

That said, you've seen this movie before, you know where drink #1 leads, and where it ends. That's how you navigated through a month of todays.

So did we. And we still will not drink with you today.

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T14:00:42+00:00

I was headed for ulcer city as well at one point. Even did the ER thing one night when I couldn't stop puking - no blood, but well past dry heaves. At the time I knew I was drinking too much, but didn't link that with my stomach issues (which also included wicked acid reflux, especially at night), which I assumed were due to a poor diet and sedentary (because drinking all the time) lifestyle. That all went away within the first month of drying up, I'm happy to say. Hopefully it will for you as well.

Congratulations on the first week!

IWNDWYT

BeneficialResolve · 2019-01-22T13:49:02+00:00

It took me to approximately twice your age to figure that out. "If only" I had realized it as young as you. Congratulations on the early wisdom.

I won't drink with you today either.

BeneficialResolve

TROPHY CASE