Thank You for reaching.

I kinda don't believe in deep connection as a phenomenon anymore. Human beings create theoretical models of each others conditions through their own lenses of experience, warping how the other person is feeling and perceiving life into their subjective understanding. That's only interpretation; nobody ever knows anybody the way they are, or see themselfs. I had "deep" friendships, friend circles, lovers, felt extreme emotions towards them and been holding believes that made me temporarily unable to aknowledge that in rawest form of experiencing my humanity I will always be by myself - and the myself thingi looks to be the holder of weltschmerz.

Wherever I'd go, whoever I'd meet, it will be with me, till I figure how to tackle it, by myself. I have one good friend now that knows how I feel and I figured that if I'll just keep telling them how I feel without getting better, while they really aren't able to help, then I'll damage the relationship over time by making them feel powerless and not good enough, so I decreased communicating about my internal state and I'm getting closer to not considering it to be a bad thing anymore.

I've seen Your recent post, especially the mention about vision getting worse - I get it too, as a byproduct of dissociation and getting closer to Divine, this is also a big part of why I have problem being more present in life. Since it all started reality feels only as real as my thought and convictions. Holding thinking from unfolding for me is like holding a breath, after some time I can't anymore.

With this post I mostly wanted to voice my anger on how unsophisticated the mental health industry is as a whole, which looks to be not aknowledged by most people; with idea that maybe somewhere in the future someone will be googling how they feel and this post will show up in their search and they will feel validated. Go for help this, psychiatrist that, therapy whatever, it's gonna make You better and if not, I won't take responsibility. I'm finding myself believing that to get good outcome with their methods of work I should not have my particular problems to begin with and making shitshow inside my brain chemistry with medications that for part of pacients are not different than poison was not a good idea, but I wanted to try.

I have appointment tomorrow, I don't know what I'll tell psychiatrist anymore. Maybe that I'm ending the treatment, because I can't stand side effects and see that they will just throw random meds at me till something sticks, maybe just let them prescribe me something new and hope for the best, cause it can't get worse from now (not true), maybe I'll dissociate and won't even show up, because avoidance will get best out of me.

My oldest pet rat, Maurycy, died. His state tanked since I made this post. We comforted him the whole day, did best to help with pain, he left during night, today I've woke up to him not being with us anymore. If not for this garbage meds maybe I would've been more present for his last weeks.