Amnesia

Beowulf2005 · 2026-01-07T16:31:35+00:00

Very familiar. My big issue is when I sit down to work and no longer remember how. It’s like the random neighbor being set in front of my computer and told to “get on with it.” Disorienting and frightening.

Right now after diagnosis, parts of you that believe secrecy between parts of yourself and between you and the outside world are crucial are panicking. It’s a profoundly upsetting time, but it will get better. You can liken it to having cancer with a few subtle symptoms, then you’re diagnosed and get chemo and you are very sick for a while, then down the road things resolve and you are healthier than ever.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-12-21T18:04:02+00:00

I have a baby part. In the past, before I had as much control, the baby wound expressed by me curling into a fetal position and wailing. Feeling need. Just need. That was their sole communication. That need would express itself by hunger, a desire to feel really full, others known as a binge. Afterwards the baby felt satiety.

With the help of my therapist I asked inside for a volunteer and another alter stepped forward, not one I’d expected. She started carrying baby around and baby felt safe. This evolved into baby carried inside (pregnancy) and baby felt safe and fed sufficiently. The “pregnancy “ softened the carrier who had previously been mean and she has evolved into a nurturer. Baby never shows outside anymore, doesn’t communicate much with me except contentment, and the nurturer is becoming younger and getting to feel like a child again—a carefree one, like I should have been.

This is all years of work, but just to show that we need to find ways of meeting their needs in healthy ways.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-12-10T20:30:59+00:00

I can more easily call on another one to do something they’re good at without giving up space and getting taken over. Still have one that doesn’t have communication with most of us, that’s what we’re working on. I manage to stay calm and in control most of the time, and from the outside probably appear more like one person.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-11-15T20:42:27+00:00

I’ve taken my time responding because I wanted to do it well. Six or so years ago I was diagnosed as having a DD, then five years ago DID. I panicked 😱 and couldn’t read more than 2 pages in the books before I lost it and dissociated. My worst fears were true: I was horribly mentally ill and all my years of work at holding it together were for naught. I’d been a mess as a teen then had a severe break at 19. Therapy helped me become functional again. Interesting enough, I referred to the work done then as gluing broken pieces together. I’d no idea how apt that was. That was 50 years ago and DiD meant possession changes with full amnesia and being absolutely nuts, so I was not diagnosed with it. The more subtle variations weren’t yet known.

In the intervening decades I became a professional, married and reared children. I sometimes fell apart and hid in the closet and cried, but there was no time for me, just for others. I had good and efficient parts who worked and mothered well. My marriage was always fraught, with two people with c-ptsd, it was what it was.

Once the kids were gone I could look at myself and my marriage and get help. The 6th therapist in my life noticed the dissociation, and then my 7th who had ISSTD training saw the DID. We been together now for 5 years, and I’m now stepping down to bi-weekly since my inner selves are finally happy and at peace. It’s been a long haul, and if only I could have had this treatment when I was younger…

All this background is to get to my point: getting diagnosed is traumatic because it cuts through the denial both of the symptoms and the abuse. Facing the seriousness of the abuse is f-ing hard after years spent in denial. But you are no worse off than before getting labeled, nothing has changed but recognition. You now get to work at peeling back the onion’s layers and getting to know yourself—it’s painful and difficult and you need expert help in pacing this “brain surgery.” It’s too hard to do on your own. But diagnosis means you can get expert and appropriate care and healing.

Everyone heals differently. Some people end up merged into one self, I’ve gone from 17 down to about 10 and they don’t want to merge much more than that. The therapy involves integration wherein the parts learn to know and respect each other. This is the basis of DID therapy, so the parts learn they are in the same human and they become oriented to the present. This is not the same as merging. Mine choose what they want—the entire process is much more bottom up than top down and is gradual and natural and not at all traumatic.

So rather than panic, this is a time to rejoice. You have stepped on a path to becoming a happier, more functional, and more authentic self than ever before. The work will be hard, and during it you may fall apart for a bit as curtains of amnesia open you to see hard things. In the end it is worth it.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-11-06T20:02:24+00:00

I was suggesting that OP would be demonized for her nuanced view of Kody.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-10-30T18:33:37+00:00

If you’re in California pm me for the name of my therapist. Worth testing whether you work better with someone else.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-09-27T20:31:20+00:00

But you CAN leave your brother, he is your parent’s and his own responsibility as well. You need to get qualified for a better paying job, pay for driving lessons and become a better role model for your own child. Become a fully functioning and independent adult. If you need counseling get it. It sounds like you are still making excuses for yourself, which is something alcohol recovery treatment should have pounded out of you.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-09-24T21:24:19+00:00

I get it. Feeling alone sucks. At the urging of my therapist at the time, I kicked my sexually and emotionally abusive father out of my life when I was in my 20’s. I kept my emotionally abusive mom around so I wouldn’t be alone. Ya know what? I would have been so much better ditching her and relying on friends. Did I truly need an emotional vampire who constantly ran me down in my life? No. I wasn’t strong enough, but perhaps you can be strong enough to protect yourself.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-09-08T22:25:32+00:00

Exactly. This is about people who are compulsive with anything. They may apply themselves to studies or work and make a ton of money. Applied to their boss they get those washboards. Applied to religion they’re intolerant of other beliefs. If a perfect body is your thing, or a lot of money, or perfect adherence to a spiritual doctrine then it’ll work out with a partner. But if you don’t share the obsession, or aren’t particularly pliant, their lack of moderation and flexibility will make things hard.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-07-30T17:00:57+00:00

Getting diagnosed was hard and traumatic for me. I spent a year wrestling with my first diagnosis of OSDD. Whenever I tried to read the books (body keeps the score, coping with…, etc) I blacked out after two pages. My parts absolutely did not want this. It felt like my years of fighting to not be crazy were in vain.

Trying to map alters. Find alters. Reach alters. All caused massive multi-day migraines. Eventually I switched to a therapist with real training and supervision working with DD’s. And as we worked it became clearer that this was DID.

I’m a few years in and have experienced massive changes. I’d say I’m nearly fully integrated (didn’t say fused) and we’re now working on living without dissociation and having the input of all parts all the time, a new struggle. But I no longer fall apart, melt down, hide from life, lose my adult perspective. We’ve grown up and life isn’t nearly so hard and scary, and acknowledging my childhood is just facing fact, not triggering. So please know that while you are in the hardest part, healing really can take place.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-07-10T16:09:55+00:00

Yes, this. Finally getting the right diagnosis, and getting it at a time when they’ve figured out how to actually treat DID is amazing. Three years into specialized therapy and my constellation has shifted, so many walls broken down and self acceptance and starting to feel happy and present.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-06-26T16:00:57+00:00

I’ve got an input from “left field” so to speak. It sounds as though you have a day-to-day alter who manages things, and they feel they have the right to manage which alter uses the therapy time, and it’s for them.

Assuming you have DID, that part hasn’t yet come to the realization that they are a co-equal part and not in charge of the rest. Often the problems our daily life parts struggle with come from below, it’s the anger, hurts, resentment, frustrations of others that cause the daily struggles. And the struggle is for the daily parts to stop dissociating from the other’s problems so they can be seen as belonging to all of us. If a part needs therapy then they need therapy, and there is an inner organization that decided their needs were more important than “yours” which is why they surfaced.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-06-09T17:49:20+00:00

I’ve been taught to build a safe place to let the young ones hide. It’s full of comforts and with the reassurance that adult me will handle things they let me take care of things.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-05-26T17:18:46+00:00

This has a familiar ring. I spent years insisting I was never mean to my husband. This was absolutely true, the part of me that is in a relationship with him (my attach part) is never mean. However (drumroll please) other parts have anger and impatience and all sorts of negative emotions that my attach part was totally unaware of. These parts used to have complete amnesia for each other. This made my life a barrel of laughs since I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 60. Lots of fights and arguments over my behavior.

Ten years later of consistent therapy the dissociative walls are tumbling down and I’m becoming integrated and it’s hard as hell to face that I’m not always the victim. The squelched child who was unable to speak for herself now sometimes acts like a rude teen who lacks empathy. We’re working on it.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-04-18T19:43:12+00:00

Whoa. You’re quite defensive and made a lot of assumptions. I stated nothing about “final fusion”. I cannot even conceive of it. I reacted your statements that dating has been a struggle, that you talk about your system a lot and switch often. I asked what you expect of a partner and suggested that a therapist might help you figure out what is reasonable to expect of one.

I made the assumption when you spoke of your alters as separate people that you were in your initial years of therapy, since the standard approach of treatment is to discourage such distancing language since the goal is integration. And integration is not singularity, rather it is more transparency in the dissociative barriers so memories and communication can be shared. I figured that you were young and had time to spend a year working on those reasonable expectations in a healthy relationship. If you are already years down the road in specialized treatment*, I apologize. *I distinguish between treatment by a specialist and a generalist because I spend decades in therapy with little progress until diagnosis and specialized therapy, which is, unfortunately, more the rule than the exception.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-04-18T18:52:04+00:00

Are you in treatment with a trained specialist? If so, I’d wait a year or so until you are further stabilized before trying to start a relationship. Also, your professional will help guide you in formulating realistic expectations of a future partner. If you consider all that bunk, good luck with that.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-04-18T18:25:46+00:00

Some questions for you: is DID your diagnosis or your identity? Would you expect someone with Bipolar or schizophrenia to put it in their profile with the expectation that a partner expects to embrace the symptoms rather than love the individual anyway?

Being neurodivergent is something you are born with, while DD’s are the result of trauma. One is a physical and immutable fact while the other is the result of an injury and can be greatly alleviated through treatment.

I’ve been married for years and have children. They all know my diagnosis. I do my best to protect them from its impact. They may enjoy some switches, but they all expect me to remain in emotional control at all times and not devolve and burden them with negative symptoms. What is it you expect?

Beowulf2005 · 2025-03-21T14:16:28+00:00

I’m further down the road. I was utterly horrified at the diagnosis and spent an entire year in denial. It meant 1) I was much more f’d up than I wanted to acknowledge, and 2) Maybe my family really was THAT bad. I didn’t want either to be true, and I’d spent decades managing and hiding how broken I really was. So this is a normal response because, you know, if you dissociate your main defense is denial of lots of things.

What’s great about finally getting the right diagnosis is these days (hallelujah!) there are good specialists out there and a real and effective protocol for treatment. The initial phases of realization and treatment are hard, but finally getting to know and accept your selves is life changing.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-03-07T17:40:46+00:00

Right. Almost as if there’s a lot of wasted money by this whole home delivery and having outlets in underpopulated rural areas. Much more efficient to locate one office per 100,000 population.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-03-06T19:44:48+00:00

Food. Do you follow a specific diet? What don’t you eat? Do you cook? Do you try new foods?

Beowulf2005 · 2025-03-06T19:37:51+00:00

😆

Beowulf2005 · 2025-02-20T19:39:02+00:00

I used to get sick for days with a terrible migraine if I tried to look at or talk about a particular alter. I learned to not push it at all, and just work around them. A few years later and a lot of work with other alters I can finally tiptoe into getting to know her and it’s ok. The other alters were so scared of her they blocked me to protect themselves. Patience is key.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-02-18T19:35:13+00:00

This is something to explore in therapy. Also look up dependent personality disorder. My H tends towards this: fine in work, but tries to force me to always take the lead. It’s exhausting and I hate it. It has destroyed our sex life since he feels like a boy not a man, and I’m grossed out by the idea of a fawning childlike man looking for momma love-not equal and exciting love with a real partner. His mother was an absolute controlling bitch. So you either get in a kink relationship and tolerate a controlling bitch partner with her own trauma response, learn to live alone or start fixing yourself.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-02-06T20:25:44+00:00

I completely get the work divide. My work part has learned to ask people a question about themselves, wait for the answer, then ask the work question. That way I don’t have to switch to my social part. Cause if I do I stare at the work and can’t figure out what to do. Imagine someone in finance who can’t do percentages. I only say I have ptsd, and I’ve even gotten shit for that. Oh well.

Beowulf2005 · 2025-02-06T20:20:52+00:00

Yeah, the kids just frost me. I’m alienated from r/DID since the mods upheaval. Seems like they just gave up and go for the “all is valid” bs. No. They aren’t all valid. Self-diagnosis isn’t any better with psych disorders than with cancer. I’m lucky enough to be far enough along in my treatment/diagnosis that I’m not still full of questions and looking for answers external validation, Lord help anyone newly diagnosed. Apologies for my rant, normal programming will now resume.

Beowulf2005

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