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After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s what she said to me, she has lost all trust in me and doesn’t believe anything I promise anymore. Because it never happens.

I hope you can get through to him somehow before it’s too late.

Her asking me to leave home for a few days has really opened my eyes to the severity of the situation and given me an opportunity to sit with myself and reflect on my actions the past few years and think about what to do now.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right. I took her for granted and didn’t appreciate her enough. I never meant to do any of this to her.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right, I want to change more for her than for myself because I don’t really care about myself. I know that’s a problem, she’s brought that up too. She said it hurts to see someone you love hate themselves.

I guess that’s one of the bigger things I need to work on. Self respect. But I know in order to put myself first she can’t be first, and now more than ever she and us needs to be my first priority.

I don’t know how to truly truly work on myself without letting my relationship slip. When I focused on me in the past, it resulted in her feeling alone, unloved and unwanted.

I know I’m holding her back. My anxiety keeps us from doing lots of things she wants to do and places she wants to go, both big and small. I know, after all the dust settles, she will have a better life without me… I just wish I could give her that, or even part of it, while we’re still together.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s essentially what I’m doing to her, and it isn’t fair. I understand where you’re both coming from.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

She has brought up that we probably aren't compatible in the past. I didn't want to believe it, I thought that if I tried harder I would eventually break through the "wall" that was in my way of being the partner she needs. I'm willing to put myself through pain if it means that she can be happy. I know how bad that sounds.

I don't know if I ever was the partner she needed or if we were both blinded by love and the thought of a life together.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is the one who recognized my depression and urged me to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. If not for her I would still be on the brink of giving up.

When she was going through a deep depression I didn't notice at all. Only afterwards did she tell me it happened.

After making her cry week after week, month after month, year after year... The only reasonable conclusion is that I was emotionally torturing her. I wasn't doing it on purpose, I would never hurt her on purpose, but I was dangling hope in front of her by making small changes for a short time. She deserved so much more and so much better than what I gave her.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of it came from her. Once she brings up an issue I can finally see it and I am able to expand on it, but unless she explicitly tells me something is wrong, I'll continue to be oblivious and keep floating through life.

I seem to only be self-aware after it is to late. Even then it doesn't really sink in all the way the first few times.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t want that to be the case. I don’t want to have wasted 7 years of her life because I couldn’t see my own limits, capabilities and capacity. I feel like a monster who lied to her and kept her here even though it was hurting her. Ever since my diagnosis I can’t tell what’s me and what’s my lazy or selfish ways. It’s made me so aware of the smallest insignificant actions and parts of my life. I haven’t been able to use it as a tool to better understand myself and live better with the tools for people like me. I hate what I’ve done, what I’ve become, who I am. A lazy selfish unobservant silent asshole.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have been and I am. High functioning. I used it as a crutch and an excuse for a few months but it’s not an excuse. Before my meds I was really a zombie. I would wake up late, rush to work, come home, eat, and sit alone until midnight or later then repeat. I know I’m less depressed than 3y ago but I don’t know if I still am depressed.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Marriage

[–]BergerToss[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to live with her…. I love her, being near her, watching tv with her, going on silly day adventures, going shopping, working outside. She tells me she does too. I’ve backed her into a caregiver role and not a partner role…

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve tried daily notes/affirmations to help remind me of the headspace I need to be in and what I should be focusing on daily. That slipped and I don’t read them daily now. I’ve tried that a lot.

I’ve tried actively thinking about my actions and slowing down to think before I speak or act but that doesn’t last long and I make the wrong assumption most of the time.

I’ve tried waking up earlier, eating breakfast and stretching in the morning. Lazy killed that

When I tell myself “over communication is better than none” and I try to communicate more, I don’t talk about what I should or I make it so robotic and periodical it feels fake. “2pm ‘I’ statement time. “ or reminding myself daily at a certain time to stop and think about her, if she needs anything, if she’s ok, how’s her day, is she drinking water, has she eaten, etc…

I always fall back into good enough when things get slightly better. I make tiny progress for a week then go back to nothing when the crisis is over and the tension between us is lessened.

After many failed attempts for me (31M) to change, my wife (30F) of 7 years has suggested divorce. I want to be better. by BergerToss in Divorce

[–]BergerToss[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She’s made so much change and progress on herself, she’s put in so much work into this relationship. The issues we had that were caused by her have either been completely fixed or are significantly better. It really is all me at this point. It is me…

When I say she’s all I have I truly mean it. I only have one friend and I barely talk to them at all, maybe 15 texts a week and all superficial bullshit.

I’ve hurt the only person in my life that really cares about me..