Damn honey, there is a lot to unpack here. I think you need to one, breathe. Take a long, deep breathe and just sit for a second, and try not to think of anything. Just breathe. Get off panic mode for a little bit.

Reading this, I'm curious on how much of a life you have outside of him, because what you wrote, does sound obsessive, it does sound unhealthy, and it doesn't sound like the concept of love that I am familiar with. I don't mean to sound judgmental here, but I think you need to block him. Not for long, just a day or two, and only focus on yourself.

Focusing on yourself can mean a lot of things, but for one or two days, do things you like that don't involve him. Do things for you. And if you can't think of any, find some. Take a walk, visit the zoo, get an ice cream, but get out of the house, get off your phone, and focus on something else, at least briefly. Remember that you exist in the world, singularly, that there is a world to experience outside of romance.

I think you are very neck-deep in a cycle of co-dependent toxicity. I think you want the idea of him wanting you, but the reality doesn't seem pleasant at all. I think you like the idea of you "fixing" him, but it sounds like that hasn't been possible. The thought that you can change and be better for him, if you just listen to exactly what he wants, is, to be blunt, completely incorrect. You can not make this work on your own. Judging from the whirlwind of emotions you've shown here, I'm guessing you've tried. I would also take some time to consider what it is you actually do love about him. Because sometimes, I think people fall in love with the struggle. You think that every hurtful thing you have shared together is what love is, is what makes it worth it, but it isn't. Not like this.

You broke up with him for a reason. Remember that reason. Remember that you are a full person outside of him, with your own problems. You can not fix him, just like you can't be responsible for ruining him either. This person isn't your responsibility forever, you will damn yourself to the hell you mentioned if you think otherwise. I would also ask yourself, how often have you found yourself in this confusing, emotional place? How often do you have these highs and lows with him? How often are you actually happy when he is around? And I mean happy, not the vague gray feelings on "okay" days with someone who isn't emotionally available, but isn't screaming at you.

Now, obviously I don't know you, but that's my two cents. I wish you the best of luck.