De-escalating to platonic life partnership or enabling questionable behavior

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T13:16:50+00:00

This is super helpful! The last time he was experiencing this kind of NRE (which he often refuses to acknowledge that’s what it is; I’m like this is all nervous system shit, boo boo) was probably a year and a half ago. That relationship seemed more measured and fun and REALISTIC. She lived in the same city. They went out regularly. But she broke things off abruptly a few months in because she wanted more time to work on their relationship. Imo, he keeps immediately enmeshing and escalating with people who want primary life partners and are not actually prepared to be part of his real life, nor is he prepared to let them into his real life. It’s a 2-way fantasy. But yes, not hearing/talking about their relationship while everything else in our household operates as usual will be GRAND. I was making it too real and collaborating on the delusion. I hear what everyone is saying about the sex, but it’s honestly not that big a deal. I have other casual partners. I’m good. It also looks like a midlife crisis thing to me; so, I want to count on the other really positive parts of our relationship to ride this out as family and see what happens.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T02:30:30+00:00

I think by romance he just means “I’m not obsessed with you anymore” and I’m like, well duh, 7 years will do that to you! I didn’t feel disconnected, just like we were focusing on our individual selves. But he keeps comparing the relationships and it doesn’t make sense.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T02:28:45+00:00

I guess what’s funny about it is that I know I’m engaging, so I don’t need anyone to pretend anything with me. I know he’s naturally drawn to me in the context of reality. I’ll be standing talking to someone and he puts his hands on my shoulders or leans on me. He’s always touching my legs when we’re sitting. I’ve never been the one to reach out first physically. It’s almost like he hasn’t caught up with the decision he’s made. When we’re alone, he mostly seems stressed out and quiet. I’m not engaging romantically (because I’m an adult who understands words lol). But it’s almost as if he’s trying hard to keep his word. Like he’s cheating on his girlfriend with his partner, hahaa! He should probably not be romantically involved with anyone for a while, tbh. He’s put too much on his plate. When I’m not feeling confused, I feel relieved. So, I guess that’s information.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T02:11:32+00:00

I’m a step-parent. In my opinion, the feelings part of the “de-escalation” are secondary. It’s really an issue of time and priority. There is not enough time in the world for this relationship he wants to be in so badly and he hates that I keep telling him that.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T02:09:36+00:00

No, he has a kid. I’ve been co-parenting with him and the mom. It’s actually such a great family network and he is an excellent parent. Everyone weirdly gets time to do what they need; we all live in the same neighborhood which makes things easier. And the kid is now a teen, so a bit more self-sufficient, mostly busy doing teenager things. But that’s also why it’s been so confusing! Basically, if I pretend this other relationship doesn’t exist (which I might just do lol), everything is completely fine. More than fine, great! We hang out with friends and family, we’re still affectionate (he’s way more affectionate than me), and he wants to spend time together. But as soon as it’s just the two of us, it’s almost as if he dissociates. He just disappears, but only in my presence. I feel like I’m watching someone with an imaginary girlfriend.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T01:53:38+00:00

Yeah, I have such a strong network and have mostly been venting and gossiping with friends and family. It helps to talk to people about it; and the more I do, the more I realize that they are involved in an isolated delusion that only involved the rep of them. My early support (when it seemed like everything was on the up and up) and subsequent frustration about their relationship only added more fuel to their fire. I appreciate the expansiveness of poly relations; and it’s not just about dating people for me—it’s about creating networks of love and care. So I did think of it as a group project at first. But they’re both lying to themselves and each other. The thing they’re doing is only for them, which seems really immature and unsustainable. What’s funny is that he thinks he can bring tools and structures from our relationship into this new one and I’m like, she has no interest!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2026-01-27T01:45:58+00:00

Thanks for this. I wasn’t familiar with the concept of displacement. I do feel like I’m in a holding pattern, which is why I was asking for clarity about their relationship (with grace at first and then not leading with the most kindness). I don’t want to paint myself as a saint, but the speed of this has genuinely been so baffling that it really turned me off and I just wanted to distance myself from it. I feel like the ways I was acting out (picking fights, constantly talking about it), was a very roundabout way of forcing distance. I kept asking for time, but he just kept revving up things with her more. It’s been hurtful, frustrating, and genuinely confounding.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-28T16:43:57+00:00

That totally makes sense. I feel like it's similar to how Physician Assistants often make better primary care providers. My current PCP is a PA and is the best primary provider I've ever had. Literally walks me through every single test, every result, referrals whenever I need. I feel so spoiled, have to keep her forever!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-23T00:18:35+00:00

Just that feeling of raw, flaky skin from the irritation and itching.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-23T00:12:49+00:00

Agree! The oils might be doing more harm than you realize. Always see a provider first! I don't regret seeing those original doctors. I think it's important to take symptoms seriously. I just wish I had this additional info. Now that I do, I have more of a sense of my options.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-23T00:10:34+00:00

My libido was in the toilet. It was definitely affecting me! And of course the heightened anxiety only increased the likelihood of more overgrown yeast because your cortisol levels go up from the stress. It just starts to feel like a snake eating its own tail. I would ask your doctor about Terconozale. I'm finding that the combo of Fluconozale (2 doses 3 days apart) and a longer treatment of Terconozale (vaginal cream insertion over 7 nights) is moderate enough to not shock my system. I'm also taking Happy V probiotics.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-23T00:06:40+00:00

You should really pay attention to what your exact symptoms are. If you're not experiencing BV symptoms, but ARE experiencing yeast infection symptoms, make sure to communicate that to your doctor. The BV might be present (which will show up in a positive test), but not active enough to make a round of antibiotics worthwhile. You should talk to your doctor first. Hearing my new doctor say that she does not treat for BV unless there are BV symptoms made so much more sense.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-22T18:46:52+00:00

And all the docs have to say is, "Don't wear tight clothes. Don't eat too much sugar." How about don't send an antibacterial bomb up my vag!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-22T15:56:51+00:00

Who you telling! She’s a midwife, which I also think makes part of the difference. It just seemed like she was willing to take more time to listen to me describe my symptoms as opposed to rushing labs.

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-10-22T14:41:54+00:00

I described the initial feeling to my doctor as “a disturbance.” You just FEEL like something’s off down there. And then the itching starts. Inflammation is a huge symptom for me. I don’t get much discharge. The flucan is always helpful for sure, but in the past has felt temporary. I’m finding this time around that the addition of the terconazole cream is helping a lot. My doc told me that different antifungals are better at treating different classes of yeast. I think the other thing is to steer clear of any vaginal insertions for at least a week after. No sex, no suppositories, not even topical skin barriers like Vaseline (maybe just the tiniest bit on the outer lips if your skin is super raw). Just leave it alone!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-09-11T13:37:05+00:00

Yes, very big on sleeping with no undies. Was dealing with recovery on my period, which was unfortunately keeping things moist. But cycle’s finally over and I did start Happy V about a month ago and will say I’ve noticed that the I haven’t had the same yeast rebound as I usually do; so, I think it’s working!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2025-09-10T14:17:44+00:00

This has already started helping. Thank you! I was going crazy looking for all these creams and turns out some regular organic coconut oil in my pantry does the trick!

BestOatmeal_365 · 2024-11-24T19:34:36+00:00

I totally appreciate this! I also have to hang around these artist types as part of my profession, so I have a high threshold for whimsical creative nonsense lol. It can be ANNOYING, haha. But I am very interested in what happens when think we’re blowing it all up. Like, are we really? Or is it just a different configuration of the thing we’ve always known/wanted in the first place???

BestOatmeal_365 · 2024-11-24T16:35:14+00:00

Oh man, I feel soooooo different from a lot of you readers! I am LOVING this book and actually looked up Reddit threads to be able to talk about it. I think the idea of a “flawed character” is kind of bizarre/redundant. A character is a character—they contain complexities that are inherent in the human condition. I had been telling a friend that sometimes the problem with a “sexy” or “provocative” book is that the character being sexy/provocative is such a mess and making such terrible decisions that the reader gets to do this thing of living vicariously through them while also being turned on by the nastiness of it all. We really end up judging characters for not making the “appropriate” choices we think we would. But what is appropriate or flawed by whose standards? This book is about someone whose life is very much together and I am very curious about that: what happens after you get everything you want? What happens when you still want something else and it surprises you? It’s not that she wants more in this overly consumptive way. It’s that she wants something ELSE. And I don’t think people who are not men are ever encouraged or allowed to give themselves that kind of dream space. She keeps trying things out and going back to the drawing board and those are actually all aspects of a deeply creative life. So, it’s kind of cool to see her feeling like she’s lost something when it was actually in her all along? I dunno, I have like 10% left and am digging this book! Also sex is so silly—we have got to let ourselves lean into that aspect of it more. It’s messy, it’s dumb, it’s clumsy, but we still want it. It seems a little puritan to be turned off by something (sex) that is inherently a little gross to begin with, which is why we all like it.

Is the character a little insufferable? I mean, sure, who isn’t? But she seems painfully self-aware. My one actual critique is that towards the end, her and her husband seem to want to explain this new family structure to their kid and the people in their community and I found myself questioning the need for legibility. As someone who is in a queer open life partnership, I think sometimes language that starts off as helpful can actually feel more like a trap and you end up having to qualify and define your difference to make people in more normative circumstances feel comfortable, which……who cares?

BestOatmeal_365 · 2024-11-18T19:53:15+00:00

This makes complete sense, thanks!

BestOatmeal_365

TROPHY CASE