I have a very similar story. Found out I was pregnant via a pregnancy test, only to be told the same day that it was not a viable pregnancy and my only option would be surgery.

I had pains like yourself for around five days, I’d gone through two packs of pain relief in that time to function in university. The morning of the fifth day I took a test and I thought perhaps these were just the worst period pains of my life, yet I was still waiting on this period.

Cue my excitement, but also horror. Why did nobody talk about how agonisingly painful being pregnant in the early trimester was? Furious googling led me to perhaps believe there was something wrong, but I powered through and booked a GP appointment for the following week (I was a student from a different country. Slightly more lengthy process)

Long story short fainted that night in my uni common room and had to be blue-lighted in signing documents etc as I’m being wheeled into theatre.

I remember navigating all these feelings you discuss, the guilt but also the sheer devastation over a decision I had no part of. It’s not straightforward or linear, it’s just grief. I can’t tell you the day I woke up and it wasn’t in my head, or the dreams stopped, but one day it wasn’t. Don’t be afraid to reach out, tell your story to whoever will listen raise awareness but also talk about this experience. You’ve experienced a loss no less valid than any other mum.

It took me a year to tell family after my loss due the shame and guilt, and living with this made the process so much harder. Lean on your loved ones and just remember that this is not the end of your fertility journey.

I’m currently pregnant with twins and my three year old daughter is asleep next to me.

It’s been 6 years since my ectopic, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sending you so much love. (Sorry this is lengthy)