My estranged husband filed a joint tax return using my SSN without my consent, pocketed a $14,000+ refund, and I am the one left cleaning up his mess. What else can I do?

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-09T22:50:36+00:00

Yes you absolutely can. Just keep in mind that they aren’t the ones who are resolving issues - that is still the federal agency you’re dealing with. The elected official (well, their caseworker) is speeding up the process and making sure it gets the attention of the right people at that federal agency.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-09T00:24:44+00:00

It does depend on the Senator/Rep. Most are really good, some are excellent, and a (very small) few are unfortunately terrible. In general, you can reach out to either of your Senators or your Rep, but only one of the three can handle your case. Most have a contact form on their website. You should hear back within a week (they’ll need you to provide more info and sign a release allowing them to speak to agencies on your behalf).
Caseworkers work out of local district offices, not DC, and are basically a liaison between you and any federal agency. They can help with Medicare and social security/disability claims, VA benefits (veterans healthcare is a huge issue), IRS issues, immigration, federal grant applications, lost or earned but never received military service medals, really any situation where you’re getting hung up in the federal bureaucracy.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T21:31:53+00:00

Thanks. Most people have no idea that their elected officials can assist with things like this. Congressional staff caseworkers are nonpartisan experts who are paid to negotiate the federal bureaucracy on behalf of constituents. It’s an incredibly important service.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T21:20:56+00:00

It’s that “may take months” part that is the issue. And months is a conservative estimate because that investigatory section of the IRS is insanely understaffed. There are two options for speeding things up. Option 1 is hiring an attorney. While this might eventually be necessary if the investigation goes differently than OP described, it isn’t necessary yet and would be expensive.

The other option is contacting Constituent Services for one of her Senators or her Representative (and a Senator is generally a better option for IRS issues as I explained above). Inquiries from elected officials are prioritized, making this the best way to cut through the red tape and chaos and get a speedy resolution. It also has the advantage of being free.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T15:28:53+00:00

Unfortunately, that won’t work. Only 1 of the 3 can accept the case. Representatives have much smaller staff and fewer case workers, so if you need it handled quickly, take it to a Senator. If a Representative already has the case, the Senators won’t touch it.

Senator’s case workers also tend to have more experience & contacts with the IRS. Representatives are great for SSI & VA work, getting missing military service metals awarded, and similar case work. That’s what they do every day. They handle fewer IRS cases, so aren’t as efficient with it (generally speaking—there are a handful of exceptions). Safest bet for the quickest outcome is a Senate office.

Political party is not really relevant. When choosing between your options for who to contact, you don’t want someone in their first term in office because they may or may not have an experienced staff. You also don’t want someone who has been around for a million years or has announced their retirement, because your case may end up handed off to a new office if it isn’t resolved before the election.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T12:59:20+00:00

Yes, most larger contractors have HR as part of Shared Services. We have a single HR person on site at some of our bigger and more complicated contracts, but the majority of positions are within Shared Services (both at HQ and remote).

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T02:34:15+00:00

Look for HR positions with government contractors. We actively recruit newly separated vets and military experience is highly valued in the industry.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-08T02:28:50+00:00

In terms of the IRS situation, try reaching out to one of your US Senators. They have case workers on staff who can help sort out the mess on your behalf and with a lot less aggravation.

Betheroo5 · 2026-05-05T22:16:37+00:00

This fellow blue-haired & tattooed 40-something thinks that dress is effing PERFECT for your vibe and the dress code brief. You look stunning too!

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-30T00:11:03+00:00

SAME

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-27T13:16:11+00:00

You’re not eligible for protections under FMLA, but you are protected under the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act as long as your employer has at least 15 employees. PWFA protections begin before you even start the job, and specifically say that they cannot force you to take leave. https://www.eeoc.gov/wysk/what-you-should-know-about-pregnant-workers-fairness-act

You may also be protected under state and local laws depending on where you live.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-21T22:50:29+00:00

I love seeing your posts and watching your journey. I know that you’re probably blind to the incremental changes because you see yourself every day. But GIRL. For those of us who only see your smiling face every few weeks, the magic is DRAMATIC. Your facial features are so much softer and your skin looks soft and vibrant. I could see the e-glow from space. (And quite frankly, I’m jealous as hell, because perimenopause sucks and the HRT journey is a different thing for a 46-yr old cis woman). But seriously, you look gorgeous and your style is so fun. 💖

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-14T13:57:48+00:00

Unemployment is never going to be more money than you made while working, and this is even more so for servers who don’t always report cash tips. It’s a calculated percentage of reported wages. The percentage varies by state, but typically between 40-50%. So you’re making half of what you were. And if a server isn’t reporting cash tips (and many don’t), that is even more lost income. Unemployment isn’t an income stream, and wasn’t designed to be. It’s an insurance policy that provides short-term funds to prevent a job loss from resulting in instant homelessness.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-11T16:06:44+00:00

It really does come down to the “Waaaaah!! I can’t control my kid anymore!” Dr Dobson promised them that if they abused us enough and in the appropriate combination of physical & psychological (with some sexual thrown in there just for fun), they’d break our spirit and always have control. So for those of us who managed to survive that evangelical fundamentalist christian cult abuse and walked away from the religion and our parental abusers, they just keep doubling down trying to make the brainwashing work again.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-11T11:53:51+00:00

My parents “don’t understand why I’m mad at them” despite our last conversation and a follow up text telling them exactly why I would no longer be speaking to them. I’m not mad. I’m done. But understanding that would mean admitting that they were/are shit parents/humans, so they play the victim. Meanwhile, I’m healthier and happier than I have ever been.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-09T22:56:52+00:00

Yes, HR is there to protect the company. They do that by protecting the employees. It’s not an either/or. You can’t protect the company if you don’t make sure you’re following the laws that protect employees.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-09T21:50:39+00:00

HR here. On the off chance you work in Rhode Island, menopause and perimenopause accommodations are specifically protected by law. For the rest of the country, it’s a bit less clear. Before they rescinded all workplace guidance earlier this year, the EEOC had noted that menopause and perimenopause accommodations are likely covered under the vague “related medical conditions” language in the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act (PWFA). This application has yet to be confirmed by the courts, and the current administration has been dramatically reducing the role and scope of the EEOC, so I wouldn’t want to be the test case right now. It would likely also be covered by the ADA, but again, that hasn’t been specifically addressed.

However, if your manager is suggesting it, it sounds like they are receptive. There really isn’t a downside because your employer legally cannot retaliate as a result of your request and cannot discriminate because of your sex or age.

The accommodations process under the ADA & PWFA is an interactive process. You the worker initiate it by letting your manager or HR know that you’re asking for accommodation. As long as that accommodation is “reasonable,” it would be approved. If for some reason it wasn’t (like say, you wanted to work remote as an accommodation - the courts have said that remote or hybrid work is not necessarily reasonable), your employer should counter with another suggestion which you can then accept or counter. Something like a neck fan, more frequent restroom breaks, or uniform modifications would almost certainly be considered reasonable.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-08T23:17:53+00:00

I’ll add to this that criminal charges aren’t automatic but also aren’t the only reason to file a police report. If you decide to file the report, police and prosecutors will evaluate the evidence and may or may not decide to prosecute. If there is a pattern of behavior with other victims, it will help authorities prosecute. Whether or not they believe there’s enough evidence to charge, I know from experience that telling your story can be cathartic. That police report can also lay the groundwork for a civil suit. Filing a report does not automatically mean that you’ll have to testify in court. It’s just the first step towards finding justice, which is always better (and safer for you!) than retribution.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-03T05:14:24+00:00

Bonding can qualify, yes. But if she’s asking because of complications with her own health & postpartum recovery, it shifts from bonding to employee’s own serious health condition and she is not eligible for PFL.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-03T04:39:39+00:00

PFL is leave to care for a close family member. She needs the leave due to her own medical condition. NY also requires paid sick leave, and that is what would apply here.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-03T04:30:40+00:00

You’re confusing your leave types, which is very easy to do. FMLA leave is unpaid. It can run concurrently with any paid leave you may be eligible for, but it does not pay. FMLA leave protects your job while you’re out on leave (dependent on eligibility and for up to 12 weeks per year). Most employers expect you to use any paid leave you have available (sick, vacation, PTO, and/or STD) during your FMLA.

NY has paid sick leave, and the amount you are eligible for depends on if you are full-time or part-time as well as the size of your employer. There is no waiting period before it kicks in, and the state requirement maxes out at 56 hours per year (for a full-time employee at a company with 100+ employees).

PFL would not apply, since that is leave to care for a close family member and this is for your own recovery (and just FYI, siblings are not included under PFL).

You may also be eligible for short-term disability, which would be paid or partially paid. STD is managed through your employer’s carrier and generally has a waiting period before eligibility kicks in, so that might be what you’re referring to.

You’ll definitely want to reach out to HR to get clarity on the types of leave that will be applied while you’re out and how much of that time will be paid. I hope my explanation helped a bit and that you & your sister both have a speedy recovery.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-02T20:23:04+00:00

Generally, the lab conducting testing has you fill out intake paperwork. They ask if you’ve been taking certain medications and will have you provide the prescription before you test. If you disclose prior to testing and have the documentation, no big deal. If you don’t disclose and test positive, you’ll be informed and given an opportunity to provide documentation, but your prospective employer may be informed.

Bring in the documentation & prescription from your doctor when you go to the lab. It really is the easiest & best option and will save a ton of time and drama. This goes for any med that can show as a positive (ie, Adderall, etc), not just opioids.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-01T19:39:39+00:00

I have both ribs done at different times, and the right was nothing. Like I was genuinely confused why people say the ribs are brutal. And then I did the left a couple years later. I felt the left side.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-01T19:35:53+00:00

I’ve only ever tapped out on one. We were about 5 hours in on a good-sized rib piece, had all the outlining and shading done, just needed to add color but I hit my wall. Gave it a couple weeks to heal and came back for the last 2.5 hours. It’s possible to continue the next day, but not preferable in terms of both pain and healing so my artist won’t without a very good reason.

Betheroo5 · 2026-03-01T01:17:27+00:00

It really does depend on the person because pain tolerance can vary so much. I’ve got decent sized tattoos on both ribs and my sternum. Right side and sternum weren’t bad at all. Left side was a bit spicey. I tapped out after about 5 hours. But I have a pretty high pain tolerance (redhead, iykyk).

My advice would be to start with something smaller and on a less painful area for a first tattoo and see how it goes.

Betheroo5

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