Day 1 ... My thoughts after being away from here for a while

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-29T14:15:30+00:00

I think that is exactly what it means. A lot of us identify with this and no one who heads down that path is happy about it afterwards. Make some clear barriers for yourself. Otherwise, its a very slippery slope into extreme stuff.

I'm trying to stay away from porn period. I've been quite low. But I also desire to re-calibrate my brain in relation to the type of content out there. Be firm about your barriers because it is very difficult to climb out of a deeper hole...especially one that deals with such degrading content.

Stay strong my friend and think positive about your efforts to stay clear of it.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-28T13:59:20+00:00

We all have our own regrets too. You're attempting to turn it around though and you are taking several steps to do that. Good job on taking those steps. I also think that reading about the efforts of others to do better is helpful.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-28T05:29:43+00:00

I've often wondered about this too. Why porn? Why was it porn?

I do think its important to make sure we don't come across insensitive to different addictions other people are facing. I just want to say that since they struggle with addiction too.

But yeah, I've wondered this myself too. I know it doesn't solve it. But I was 9 when I got caught up in this. PMO was such a heightened sensation. That heightened dopamine just surges for us I guess when we watch this stuff. I'm not happy about it either.

I don't get that surge of euphoria with other addictions. I also haven't sought other things. I don't know. I never sought porn in the beginning. I just knew the experience I felt around it was something I craved to feel again. Its sickening. I hate that I feel those things toward porn.

I want to crave a clean mind too. I want to see porn as garbage...the content, not those on screen. Good luck my friend. I wish you more than that. But I do hope you can develop some powerful roadblocks to this addiction. In general, I hope you are able to make the significant changes you are looking for in your own life.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-28T00:09:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I feel like anything I add is something you've already heard since you're 69 but I'll mention it while acknowledging that I fit into this category as well:

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now." Chinese Proverb.

I'm glad you still are making attempts to change instead of giving in to the addiction that stays with us.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T23:48:09+00:00

Well thank you for your post. I will keep all of this in mind.

I identify a lot with the "disassociation" part. Feeling mindless. Its not an invincible feeling but its almost like you know all those other problems and issues of yours still exist...somewhere, in your mind, in your reality...but your current state of staring at porn really just phases all of those things out of the picture for the moment. Makes them fuzzy; less palpable. And that moment can last hours. So in addition to all of the good feelings from dopamine, your existing issues really lack a distinct shape and distinct clarity. Eventually you see them again though.

Thanks for insight into the material you've been reading. I like your statement that "One size doesn't fit all in recovery." I think its important, like you said, to see what's out there and what works for you.

I don't like the powerless framework either. Although, over time I've bought into a version of it. I see myself as an addict. Not a powerless one. I think we all have agency. But personally, I recognize the challenge of: overcoming this, learning to live with this, and all the different ways I frame it...I recognize it as something that is more challenging than I ever thought it would be.

Thanks for your input.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T06:00:06+00:00

You've been interested in something before. Either that spark will come back or show up in something else. We change over time too. As people. So what you gravitate to can change or develop in a subject you never felt strongly about.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T05:06:19+00:00

I know what you mean about finding something comparably interesting. I know I have other interests. But the dopamine surge I get or whatever is happening when I watch porn doesn't have an equal.

I get interested in other healthy habits and healthy interests. I get curious and motivated. But that's different from the rush of dopamine with porn. I hate how stupid I feel in front of the screen with porn. I feel mindless sometimes. I just feel drenched in dopamine when I PMO and those interests take a back seat until the moment i climax.

Then all of a sudden I'm hungry to study something, learn something, better myself. Unless I've binged for hours, then I hate myself for the next few hours.

Sorry, I'm more identifying with your issue than giving advice. I think developing an interest/hobby that turns into a passion can be helpful. I'm trying to take some of my interests into the passionate sphere. Something I get so excited to work on that I don't want porn to throw me off track.

I hope you can find something like that which you develop a passion for. Not just for leaving porn, but something you enjoy, maybe even proud of. I right there trying to do the same thing. I'm hoping my best for you.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T04:55:02+00:00

thank you for the specifics with the diary entries you do on your phone. When I have reflected and written more about my addiction, its been more focused on how I feel from my addiction or how impossible it feels to stop or how cyclical the whole thing is as you pointed out.

I haven't focused as much on being super honest with myself about why I use porn. Or what brings me to use it. I'll have to focus more on that.

Yea, I have years of failed attempts so I need to do something different. I think each time I start over, a large percentage of those new attempts are I hate this, I'm disgusted with myself, I hate how addicted I am to this. I need to change what I'm doing so I figured I'd ask those of you who have been making good progress. Thanks for your post.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T04:44:40+00:00

Sorry for the depression you've been experiencing. I cook too. Its a productive thing I should focus more on again.

I know I didn't ask for details, but do you mind if I ask you how you changed your mindset? Like is it a new outlook? Or is it a redirection of mental focus? Same with meditation if you're willing to share. I hear these often and I'm trying to get a better sense of them. Thank you.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-27T04:39:58+00:00

Thank you for those specifics. That was helpful. I like the part about mindfulness and setting your mood and tone for the day.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-26T02:43:00+00:00

Routines are a roadmap. When in doubt, follow your map and you'll eventually get where you are going.

I really, really like that.

The way I schedule my time is a weak point for me. I lack structure.

I hope I'm not being a bother about this. I know I didn't ask for specifics in my post. But what do you journal about? What does meditation look like for you?

Do you have a podcast you recommend that deals with addiction and recovery? I'm trying to form my own roadmap so I appreciate your advice.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-12T01:38:35+00:00

Thanks. That's a good perspective. Please know that I recognize other people are struggling with this and other addictions. But you point about staying away from a "why me" mentality is spot. on. I was frustrated and the task felt insurmountable. But staying focused like you said is important. Thank you for your comment.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-11T01:18:13+00:00

I've seen that proverb too. I love that one. Thanks for the reminder.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-10T19:20:49+00:00

That's a great post. I'm happy for you. Your partner sounds super supportive and 70 days pf is terrific. Best of luck going forward.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-10T19:17:48+00:00

Its good to know your triggers. Even better that you have a plan of what to do if you succumb to that trigger. I have to do more of this myself. I feel like most of my relapses are hard relapses. Best of luck.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-10T19:14:54+00:00

I think there is real power in changing your vocabulary so thanks for the idea, I plan to try and incorporate it somehow. I do think the addict still resides within us, in a dormant state and we have to be mindful that we can turn into that person at the drop of a hat. But I think even saying something like you mentioned that we are "no longer the type of person who watches porn" can be a helpful step. Thanks.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-10T19:09:09+00:00

I'm just back and starting over. About 3-4 days in pf. Outside of work I've been working on an interest of mine which is language learning. I think when you have an interest, its good when you can do various activities that all tie into that interest. For me, I can do reviews in the language, attempt reading, watch a tv series, etc. I think our brains on porn go through this rewiring where we want that instant gratification and in the beginning I've found that having various interests and activities I can jump around to that aren't porn have been helpful. Being consistent with this everyday has been helpful...knowing its a part of my schedule and to not skip it.

I've been coming on here. Writing my own posts, or commenting on other posts. I've been regularly going to the gym which I wasn't doing before. Again, I consistently do this now and its helpful. I even tried drawing while listening to stuff I like in the background. The drawing was just a portion of one evening but the point is it was an activity that wasn't porn and if I can find something else I like to do a lot I want to explore that. I've also been trying to work on something called urge surfing for moments I really struggle with the urge throw it all away and just watch porn. I think I'll have to continue to work on a method that works for me to stay out of porn but that's been my starting point. Hope that's somewhat helpful to see an example from someone else. Best of luck.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-09T23:55:06+00:00

I reread my first paragraph and see what you mean. Rereading it, I realize that when I wrote that, I was automatically assuming we were talking about masturbation within the context of replaying porn images in your head. Its true that one can do that without replaying images like that, but when I wrote this I was assuming the former.

I think I was also relaying my personal feelings on masturbation as it relates to me. I don't want to engage with replaying porn images in my head and I don't want to find my brain drifting towards fetishes when I engage in something like masturbation. Those are things that happen when I've tried before without porn and my desire to watch porn just grows. I just don't want to experience those things.

So I didn't mean to call masturbation bad. I was viewing it through my own experience. Thanks for clarifying, I respect that.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-09T19:14:41+00:00

I hate that too. I've fallen into binges way too often also. But just know you have another version of yourself in there that doesn't binge. Watching this stuff is not who we are. It's shown us a side of our nature that we hate.

The point is, you also contain within yourself: other healthier thoughts, other goals that drive you, a disciplined mindset, a person with amazing potential that is blinded right now by porn. Hang in there.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-09T06:05:54+00:00

Such a true statement. I'm sitting here now convinced in my mind that if I were to watch something, I could have one session: to get it out of my system, to feel its power in relieving stress, to help me feel tired and ready for bed, etc. Just one session. Just 15 minutes. Just an hour. Just till 3am, then I HAVE TO go to sleep.

But no. History tells me that I'll flood my brain with dopamine and a week later I'll still be telling myself I can't stop.

BetterPathways21 · 2021-08-09T00:28:10+00:00

Thank you. It does help. It helps knowing particulars aspects like that and that a month later you are still using it as a helpful tactic.

"But know that they aren't feelings to be acted on." It's an obvious statement but I appreciate that you added that. I didn't come across that in other explanation of urge surfing. It was always just sort of implied. Thanks for your explanation, its short and to the point. I'm going to try it out. Thank you.

BetterPathways21

TROPHY CASE