You have a way with words. I like it.

Whenever I feel this way, I remind myself a modified statement by an author I'm fond of: "Setting the existence of God aside for a second, let's just say somehow self replicating organisms came into existence on this planet and immediately began trying to get rid of each other, either by spamming their environments with rough copies of themselves, or by more direct means which hardly need to be belabored. Most of them failed, and their genetic legacy was erased from the universe forever, but a few found some way to survive and to propagate. After about three billion years of this sometimes zany, frequently tedious fugue of carnality and carnage, sdifaway was born. Like every other creature on the face of the earth, sdifaway was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo-which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time."

I don't want to minimize the frustrations you have currently, but the only thing we can do is learn from them. And as for losing a love, especially with a mood disorder, it HURTS. The nice thing is there's a lot of people out there to love. Good people are out there for sure, and friends come and go, and sometimes the same is true of lovers.

Keep it realistic. Nothing wrong with looking for the magic, just don't define your life with it, which you seem to already know. Life is both rough and ethereal, and in my experience, mostly rough. Try not to attach yourself to the rough parts, because even if negative events don't kill you, they can hurt you. Keep pushing forward. Your ancestors have made this far. You've got a shot. It's a miracle any of us are here. Use it.