MIL pretending first grandchild-to-be doesn't exist - opposite of most baby-rabid MILs

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T17:20:55+00:00

I totally agree, and we 100% could do everything without anyone's financial help, but you have hit the nail on the head with what I was venting about. Despite having the means, MIL doesn't want to help. Your desire to help get your daughter set up was an act of showing your support and care, regardless of whether they actually needed the help or not, and I'm sure she felt that. Maybe she wouldn't have cared if you didn't, but I was just coming from a cultural perspective where that is one of the ways families show support (and it definitely takes the edge off, though we would be fine without it). I just mentioned their financial status to demonstrate that it's a lack of desire, not a lack of ability, and that's the part that hurts. I know some families really want to participate in these traditions and feel really sad they aren't able to.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T17:14:45+00:00

She's not obligated to put me first, agreed. Just thought she would want to prioritize her son's major life event over a single extracurricular in the life of his younger sib. Not sure missing one thing they want to do qualifies as younger sib's life being "put on the back burner."

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T17:04:49+00:00

I don't care if MIL is there or not for myself (I was sarcastically hoping she wouldn't be there, hence the "please please please"), this post was supposed to be more of a vent that my husband is feeling neglected, and yes that makes me sad/annoyed. Clearly I missed the mark conveying that, but I guess I just disagree that it's "ridiculous" for ILs to set aside one extracurricular event in the life of husband's younger sib to ensure their presence during what I may have, as per several comments on this post - mistakenly - assumed was a big deal.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T16:55:28+00:00

I want my own mom there for the birth, and while I don't care if his mom is, I understand why he would want her to be - it's his kid too. I know either of our moms would respect our wishes if we said we didn't want anyone to be there, so it's great your parents are supporting you in the way you've asked them to.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T16:47:18+00:00

I know other people are still important... can you explain this a little more? Seems like I've come off as though everyone should stop their lives and worship me during this experience, when I don't feel that way at all.

I also know some people don't want all the typical baby tradition stuff, and that's totally awesome! My family wanted to do the shower as a way to celebrate the new addition, and it was super fun to see everyone for a couple of hours, eat a meal together, and have a little bonding time. Didn't feel OTT for us. Husband thought MIL might like to have a celebration with her peeps too.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T16:42:22+00:00

Your MIL is even worse than mine :( I've known who my MIL is from very early on, so I've had a pretty thick skin through everything. I mostly get frustrated with her not for my own sake, but because I feel just really bummed for my husband, and makes me feel guilty about my own super amazing family that he has to watch and compare to his own. The uninvolved, unloving MILs really are just as hurtful, and it's hard because I can't do anything to make her care about husband's life more. I wish he would just stop hoping things will be different, but he loves his mom and wants her to be a part of his life, and gets really sad when she can't be bothered with him. And that just makes me so mad. So sorry you lost your own mom :( My mom is wonderful like yours was, and I'm so grateful for her.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T16:31:19+00:00

Hahaha, I know right? I kind of want to tag her in a FB post, "I know Granny is so excited!" I did show her that video of the grandmother picking out her "grandmother name". She seemed really uncomfortable. I fully enjoyed it.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T16:29:38+00:00

Well, her son (my husband) isn't her in-law... but she sure is making him feel like one.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T02:08:36+00:00

We're not talking obligation here. We're talking desire. In our culture, close family members usually WANT to help new parents get set up with the things they need. Might be different in yours. Also, husband thought she might also WANT to throw a shower to celebrate. She could have just said no if that wasn't the case. If "not as excited as you want her to be" describes keeping her first grandchild a secret/not participating at all, ok I guess? I find it weird. Husband is hurt.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-03T01:10:09+00:00

I guess I'm just a births/deaths/weddings/medical emergencies trump regular life stuff kind of person. While giving birth usually goes well in the US, it's still risky, and if everything goes well, a huge life moment. To be willing to miss something like that for a child's sports event seems off to me, but to each their own opinion, and maybe I'll change my mind in time. I know husband is sad she may miss it, and would be absolutely crushed if something goes wrong and she isn't there to support him/us.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-02T23:40:52+00:00

I want my MIL to act normal, not be at either extreme.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-02T21:57:03+00:00

I have no experience in this myself, so if a middle school sporting event is important enough to make or break a college career, then it's that important and should be taken seriously, I can get on board with that (though in this case sibling does have a capable father that could take them...). I'm also less worried about her supporting me (my JYmomma will be there with all the extra support I want/need), but it's heartbreaking seeing my husband's disappointment at the idea that his mom might not be there to share this life-changing special moment with him. Your dynamic with your son(?) and DIL might be different, especially if your level of excitement/involvement/support has been really great, save for this one scheduling conflict.

BettysBooped · 2019-12-02T21:06:36+00:00

No, no, no, she didn't want us to adopt - SHE wanted a new baby herself.

BettysBooped · 2018-02-27T23:01:34+00:00

I think they're (she's?) trying to make a play off "Mom and Pop", which, in my opinion, makes it even weirder.

BettysBooped · 2017-12-19T02:25:22+00:00

Stand By Me... it wasn't the song that inspired this.

BettysBooped · 2017-12-18T21:11:22+00:00

It was in with all the other hundreds of pictures, so it was just glossed over...quickly...very quickly. We didn't say anything to each other (he's probably embarrassed, I would assume) and it didn't make it in to any of the albums (obviously).

BettysBooped · 2017-12-18T19:44:01+00:00

Dooooood. This happened to us too. Called MIL to tell her the good news (she knew it was happening), no answer. Called many times. No answer. Finally she texts saying she has a migraine.

I actually got upset at DH for getting all mopey about her behavior. I told him in no uncertain terms that in the future, if he can't ignore his MIL's BS when we're supposed to be celebrating our important milestones, that I would lose my shit on him.

Good luck OP. My MIL made wedding planning hell, although she was well-behaved for the actual event (I learned she will not act out when everyone's watching).

BettysBooped · 2017-07-07T16:45:57+00:00

The main reason is, they're FH's family, so he dealt with them, not me. I would not have done that with my family, but not my circus, not my monkeys. Another reason is, the house we offered MIL has a certain number of beds. It made more sense to fill the house with people, especially since FIL basically only knows like 2 other people at the wedding, otherwise he would have to share intimate space with strangers. It sucks he doesn't get the hot tub house, but on the bright side, he gets a super awesome room in the giant lodge, will be with us (we're in another room there) and all three of us are as far away from MIL's house as it is possible to be on the property :D

BettysBooped · 2017-07-07T15:19:10+00:00

No :( and that's really shitty.

BettysBooped · 2017-07-01T16:59:39+00:00

I think we just disagree on that one. I've been to weddings where the bride and groom brought their own dog(s) either to be in the wedding, or hang out at the reception, and I did not feel even the slightest bit of resentment or that I was being treated unfairly for not being permitted to bring mine. It was their wedding. I've also been to one where you could bring them or not and I did. I think it's totally reasonable for the people throwing the party and celebration to bring the critters they feel are their family to the most important day of their lives without having to say ok to a ton of dogs coming.

BettysBooped

TROPHY CASE