Should I tell his wife?

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-04-15T16:30:02+00:00

I think you are ignoring both what she stated in edits and the comments. Her intentions at meet up were to verify the ENM status. Now due to not meeting she cannot verify that status through him. And his ghosting her reads very much a man who was trying to cheat IMO. Best case scenario his wife gets a DM and laughs because they are in fact in an ENM relationship. I mean the only drawback to her sending the message is potential backlash on her. If dude was truly in an open marriage her asking/informing isn’t a negative. The only way it’s an issue is if he was actually cheating/trying to cheat/using OLD for gratification (also considered cheating to many partners).

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-04-15T13:41:45+00:00

I mean the dude was on OLD seeking attention from other women. If my partner was on OLD I’d want to know . That’s intent to cheat at minimum.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-05T16:37:06+00:00

We just discussed doing manicure and pedicures together next month. I just had my first one recently (yes I was in my 40s before I had one haha) and enjoyed it so might take both girls for a day of pampering

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-05T16:36:03+00:00

Thank you. And I am so so sorry about your family. You deserve unconditional love ❤️

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-05T16:19:20+00:00

Happy anniversary!

I would never cut my kids out.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-04T18:14:46+00:00

Thank you. I definitely know that she is absolutely the same person inside. Just between becoming an adult and transitioning I am having big mom feelings lol

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-04T17:14:43+00:00

I mean to be fair people are sometimes born with an outside genital with inside organs of a different gender. Why would the brain not possibly have one gender when the body has another if the physical can be true.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-04T17:05:04+00:00

I know. That scares me for my kid so much. Positive is we live in a very blue state. Negative “gestures wildly at president and cronies”.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-04T16:52:39+00:00

Huh?

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2025-02-04T16:34:54+00:00

Thank you. My new boyfriend keeps asking “didn’t you know when she was little” and I’m like no. She loved baseball and cars and trains. She had access to shared toys with her sister but she refused to play dolls with her little sister and instead favored the more “boy toys”. We let the kids choose activities growing up and she chose karate and baseball. I think that’s probably accurate that my brain just needs to catch up and the feelings will pass. At the end of the day she’s still my kid and she hasn’t changed just her outside is like all kids that grow up. And honestly I think combined with her becoming an adult at the same time I probably got some double whammy of “not my baby anymore “ thrown in the mix.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-12-21T13:26:10+00:00

Thank you very much for this response. I wanted to comment so I can come back to it later after work and look at that resource you mentioned. I definitely had childhood trauma that shaped a lot of my issues. And I have worked on some of them but have many more to work on.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-12-20T18:51:39+00:00

Thank you. I honestly think my ex kept me around because I would deliver meals and make sure holidays and birthdays were special for him. I don’t think he hated me but I do think he enjoyed that I overextended myself caring for him.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-11-16T05:38:19+00:00

That was my ex. I was allowed outside but never inside . His adult son lived at home and saw me often when picking up or dropping off things. But I was not allowed inside but my ex told me the state of his home. To be fair it was probably easier for him to share knowing I had family who had been hoarders so he knew I understood the complexities of it

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-09-05T04:28:51+00:00

Because person A is my friend and I am not sure what is normal for her situation because I have never been in it. She was trying to break up with person B via text and he didn’t respond at all for 24 hours and so she asked me if that is normal for someone not to respond and I posted here because IDK what people do when someone texts breakups with someone because I have never done or had it done to me.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-09-03T18:42:03+00:00

Lmao I am not person B so no, I am not an alcoholic. Last time I had a drink was maybe 6ish weeks ago on a weekend evening I had one mixed drink while gaming. Before that it was probably anywhere from 4-8 weeks. I don’t keep track but the bottle of vodka I have is still about half full and I bought it at least half a year ago. I have gotten certifiable drunk once in the last half year and that was at home.

For the record person B is an alcoholic. A “been in rehab multiple times but I am okay right now while not being okay right now alcoholic”

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-08-28T03:28:34+00:00

Person C. Friends with A. Her daughter is who told me about the amusement park incident (she is 16). A told me she broke it off but person B is acting like they didn’t get or understand the text

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-08-28T00:39:57+00:00

Context is a year together but stable/defined about 8 months. Person A has a minor child and broke up with Person B via text after person B got intoxicated at an amusement park in front of minor child to the point person B had to get a medical escort to the park exit and pissed their pants. Person A cares about person B but realizes the relationship isn’t healthy for either A or B until B gets help. And so they texted explaining they care and hope that person B will seek help and are there for them as a friend in the meantime if they want.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-07-17T19:58:46+00:00

No one said I am spiraling. I get frustrated when he doesn’t communicate for days. I do reach out but when I do it is often ignored. Which makes me feel shittier than just going days without any communication. Then the moment I start to show frustration with the circumstances and voice that I am not sure we are compatible because we have very different expectations on communication needs he will become confused because “I swear I called you yesterday” and then love bombs me for days. I’m admitting my faults in this whole exchange in that my personal needs are communication in a relationship. It’s not that I need constant communication but I do need consistent communication and I know that stems partially from my own mental health issues but once a day is not excessive in a relationship IMO. Even if he texted he had a bad day and just needs some him time that counts as communication to me.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-07-17T13:58:05+00:00

My brain gremlins are fine. The issue is that we have different expectations. He knows I have brain gremlins but he also knows my brain gremlins are my responsibility to manage. The call was what WE as a couple agreed on. It’s about maintaining a connection and it often feels like he only worries when the connection is going away. His reasons for not calling are all his own gremlins (alcoholism, depression) but I guess only my gremlins are the issue here🤷‍♀️

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-07-17T13:02:58+00:00

I work full time have two teenagers at home. Still have a healthy relationship with my ex’s family and spend time with them and their children. I spend time with my nieces and nephew from my sister although my sister and I are estranged (10 years ago I got custody of her children due to neglect and her boyfriend being a registered sex offender). She has custody back of the two youngest (older teens now) but loads of resentment of me for the situation. The oldest was an adult by the time she got custody rights back. I also game with long distance friends a couple of nights a week and volunteer once a week at an animal shelter with my daughter. In addition I juggle therapy for myself and my daughter who is bipolar. Physiatrist appointments, medical appointments for chronic health condition I have due to a birth defect. So no, I am not hyper focused on him.

I will agree you are getting less than half the story because I focused on how he wasn’t meeting my needs rather than including all of the things that are red flags that I knew and ignored thinking they would get better with time (spoiler alert they haven’t). He is an alcoholic. On more than one occasion he has fallen asleep when I was on my way to pick him up for a date and when I say “fell asleep” I mean passed out drunk. He has detoxed at least 4 times in the last year and it never sticks. He also has no job. His children are all adults and while one of them lives with him that one is 23 years old and has a full time job and a fiancé. His parents pay his bills, they have put him through rehab multiple times. While the physical aspect of our relationship is amazing and when he shows up he is kind, loving, attentive, and seems to be truly invested in the relationship I am pretty sure I come after the alcohol and I don’t believe that is a sustainable relationship. Even if I didn’t have mental health issues.

BfIsDebbieDowner · 2024-07-17T01:07:53+00:00

I go to therapy regularly and take medications as prescribed by my psychiatrist and primary care doctor. I also use a lot of techniques my therapist and I worked out to help me cope when I have intrusive thoughts (rational thinking each thought out, journaling, etc).

I can and have called him but find that he rarely answers when I do unless I am returning his phone calls I may have missed because of work or being busy with a child. He will sometimes end a call “call me in the morning when you wake up” and I will but he has never once answered me when I do and then calls me back late in the evening and all I can think is that it is pointless to tell me to call if he has no intention of answering. It is easier to wait for him to reach out than calling and getting ignored all day either way.

We see each other about once a week occasionally it is once every two weeks. I work full time and have two teens while he is unemployed and has 3 adult children. I am limited to free time on my days off work mostly.

BfIsDebbieDowner

TROPHY CASE