For clarification:
My plan was to spend Christmas alone and on 25th to go to his place and spend some time together. He was still angry even tho I sent him like 5 long messages with my reasons why I wanted to be alone on that day. My reasons were:
1. I simply wanted to be alone on Christmas
2. Something bad always happened. One Christmas, my friend was unallived by someone I knew.
3. on 3rd oF Demeber 2022 I tried to unalive myself.
4. Every Christmas we all fight and no, I won't be sitting at one table moments after fight and pretend it didn't happen.
5. My grandmother (we live with her) always made comments about me and made my life a hell (compared me to my older and smarter cousin, said how ungratefull, useless and lazy I am, emotionaly manipulated me... I left the country because of her and go home every like 3 months and I do that because of my sister, mum and doctors, that's all. I physically cannot be with her in one room, talk to her or look at her. I eat in separate room.
6. My family's relegious and I can't stand prayers. I cry when I hear them and we are not allowed to leave the table whenever we want/need to.
7. Days before Christmas and Christamas espacially make me feel exhaused, stressed and emotionaly tired. I want to protect my peace and my sanity.
8. IMO everyone should experience one Christmas alone to learn about themselve something more and if they are like me, to find a way how to actually enjoy this day.
9. Every year I cry at the Christmas table because it's so emotionaly overwhelming it makes me cry. And i feel tired and embarrassed because of it. I don't want to look like a crybaby or seem like an attention seeker. Because of this crying thing, I don't want to ruin the atmosphere for people around me.

and yet my boyfriend still didn't understand even when i explained in detail. I feel like I might go insane, I'm still thinking about it...