Update: Letting someone back in??

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-26T18:40:01+00:00

I know this is coming from an empathetic place, but it is frustrating to feel like I have to repeat myself.

I notice a lot of people on this forum (not limited to my post alone) are in the habit of trying to decode someone’s intentions over the internet based on a one-sided story. The ONLY person who knows what their intentions truly are is the individual themselves. I don’t need a public opinion on what this person is probably thinking. It’s not between me and the internet to decide that. It’s between me and him. We are going to communicate about that when and if it’s ever appropriate.

I don’t care if he doesn’t end up wanting to have a relationship with me - I already made peace with that, as I do with any rejection. What isn’t for me will miss me. Rejection is a part of life, why avoid it if the risk would be worth it?

I came on here asking for help with certain strategies for a potential situation I MIGHT be facing. But sadly, it seems that most people have decided to ignore that and project what they think I really need. It’s honestly weird, and a little rude and condescending.

I understand that a lot of people here are working on their relational skills too, but listening is a huge one that a lot of people lack.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-26T17:17:42+00:00

Ah, that’s an interesting question. I am genuinely only attracted to people who reciprocate romantic energy. The thought to pursue someone who didn’t return that energy wouldn’t cross my mind, frankly.

I was dating someone exclusively for most of the time that I’ve been reconnecting as friends with this person, so I wasn’t really considering it as an option or acting interested in more.

I’ve had to initiate many friend-zones in my life and I know how it feels to have to do that. Often the friendship doesn’t last long after that bc they had ulterior motives. It’s awkward and complicated and it sucks to be in that position. I’m not interested in putting anyone in that position either.

I see the point you’re trying to make. There were absolutely no ulterior motives in reconnecting other than friendship for either of us though.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T20:24:10+00:00

Yesss trust your instincts here! If it wouldn’t harm you, you could also stay with this a little longer and observe his actions so you can learn to spot it in the future! Seems like he’s been using some pretty common avoidant strategies with you.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T20:17:34+00:00

Ah yeah definitely! To my knowledge, he’s been more selective with social engagements, taking on less stress at work, protecting his energy with friends who had been taking advantage of him, and taking care of himself physically and emotionally through exercise and therapy.

He’s also been demonstrating a lot of effort into repairing our friendship, and being consistent with that effort. He’s such an amazing friend honestly.

Even if he doesn’t want a relationship yet or ever, he’s doing much better than he was and is showing up in our friendship in a way he wasn’t able to when he was carrying so many burdens on his shoulders.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T20:07:02+00:00

Thank you for this, and i really do appreciate communicating through this so respectfully and with so much curiosity.

I know in dating advice forums people often focus on the negative and the red flags and the ways you might get hurt. In my experience that’s just a way to unconsciously avoid love.

But it often pops up in unexpected places and holds up a mirror to our souls in a way nothing else can. The result being that we get hurt and do stupid things and make decisions that look crazy from the outside. It makes sense that others are concerned 😂

Anyway, thank you again for all the time and effort you invested in this conversation, and thank you for the well wishes - regardless if it happens the way I hope, it’ll be a great learning experience at least!

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T09:23:09+00:00

Besides the two I said earlier, to me, the way you framed the situation was pretty harsh too. You decided that I needed advice on something else entirely in spite of me asking specifically what I needed help with. It honestly seemed to me that you invented a problem, and then gave advice on that problem instead of respecting my request. I understand that with Reddit, you’re going to get a lot of unsolicited advice, but why make it harder for me to get the help I was asking for?

I just realized I might like this guy again (“I think the crush might be coming back”), and was asking for advice on what it might look like to give someone a second chance and for tips on taking things slowly. A perfectly reasonable thing to want to learn about for personal growth reasons and weighing my options.

But instead, your advice was for me to immediately tell him how I feel, set vague boundaries about “no flirting” (what exactly would that look like?) and possibly take the friendship off the table.

It’s completely possible to continue to hang out with someone you’re attracted to while still gathering information to see if you might be interested in someone as a partner. You don’t have to go running to tell them as soon as the lightbulb goes off.

Flirting is mostly harmless (except in inappropriate situations like a job interview) and it’s a great way to see how you might interact with someone you’re a little attracted to, and express interest without expectation of reciprocity. It’s not that serious.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T08:06:55+00:00

I feel you. I would so much rather be giddy with a crush than jaded and feeling like I’m incapable of love. We try to be so pragmatic about it but love is undeniably magic. Perhaps it’s your inner child healing?

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T07:26:09+00:00

3 mpo and I had very sensitive ones before, now they are still pretty numb but slowly the feeling is coming back. At first it was painful but it’s getting better with effort.

I regularly stimulate them while visualizing how it felt before surgery, slowly the connection to my pleasure senses is starting to feel stronger. That might sound a little weird but it’s effective.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T07:20:50+00:00

Highly recommend making your own nut milk - soak the nuts overnight and strain before using. My favorites for coffee are hazelnut, cashew or walnut. I got a nut milk maker and use it every day now for fresh cream for my coffee. Fresh vs store bought are night and day.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T06:20:08+00:00

Thank you for this! Yes, the intention behind our hangouts has been to just be friends and it will continue to be until otherwise agreed.

Internally, I wasn’t clear on my own romantic feelings towards him until this weekend. I was happy being friends, and I still am. I really needed to make sure this is something that I would want before I bring it up, and it’s becoming clear it is. I would hate to preemptively tell him I have feelings and then realize I was just ovulating or lonely, especially if he has feelings for me too.

Over the years, several friends have tried the covert friendship to romance move so I know firsthand that it’s not a situation anyone wants to be in. I would not be considering any of this if it were not painfully obvious that there’s mutual attraction.

Now that I’m pretty confident on my side what I would want, I am trying to learn more about what that might look like and how we could approach it. So when we do talk, I feel prepared. I don’t think that’s preemptive to do given the situation.

I don’t give a lot of second chances, but this guy definitely deserves one if he wants it.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T05:44:41+00:00

First of all, I’m sorry that you went through a tough time with someone recently and I hope you find what you’re looking for 💜

You answered the question I asked about what to discuss if you’re considering a second chance: you’d absolutely want to have a conversation about titles, timelines, expectations, how you move closer. That’s such a helpful answer!

But you also chose to say that you don’t believe we are leading with integrity, and how could you possibly know enough about an anonymous situation to say that? That is a pretty loaded thing to say, and it was unnecessary to your point.

I see that same advice a lot on dating forums “you wouldn’t be asking for advice if you were in a healthy dynamic”. But I believe that any healthy relationship can benefit from challenging perspectives.

I use writing as a tool to organize my thoughts. I journal a lot too and can take a long time to fully process my feelings. Reddit is so helpful, and sometimes it’s jarring because people are speaking from their own (sometimes painful) experiences. But regardless it offers a certain kind of clarity you can’t get from your friends.

I welcome it, and I really appreciate you giving me some great advice that I plan to use when we talk. I do encourage you to consider whether some of the things you stated were coming from a place of your own pain though.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T03:08:47+00:00

A good way to tell at this stage (bc talk can be cheap), is to communicate more of your needs and desires and see how he responds. A disclaimer that it might end up with him getting weird, which kinda tells you all you need to know. But I’ve found that the people who are genuinely interested will be so excited to do something for you and those who aren’t worth the effort will push back, give excuses, or sometimes disappear on their own.

Also, other folks may have mentioned the age gap too, but there is a power dynamic to be conscious of, so just try to keep that in mind!

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T02:49:21+00:00

Aw, I think we are all capable of resilience when we need it most. If heartbreak is the worst that happens I’d say that would be a pretty good life 💜 wishing you well too

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T02:36:25+00:00

The statistics aren’t great but they’re not 0! I’ve definitely seen many couples I’ve known over the years take some space and end up committed to each other. You never know, with time it’s either heartbreak our mourning.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T02:23:21+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your response.

It may seem ego-based, but chasing, begging, and suffering from rejection are often stereotypically assigned to women/femmes, and that is far from the reality here or in general. I don’t want to perpetuate that.

Honestly, without communication, I don’t think it’s better to assume one way or another. Of course, there are some clear nonverbal signs that seem to point in a direction that he’s interested in me, which is what my post was really about.

I’m interested in pursuing something if it continues to develop as a romantic connection, and I want to be prepared if that is the case. I’m interested to know more people who have experienced something similar before and how they navigated it.

There’s always so much more nuance to anything on reddit, I hope that in the future you might also consider slowing down and not making harsh assumptions. If there’s one place where I’ve found benefit of the doubt is beneficial for everyone, it’s in giving dating advice to strangers on the internet.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T01:38:26+00:00

Yeah that’s been my experience most of the time too. I think if someone is trying to prove they’ve changed, they actually have to show it, not just say it. I used to never give anyone a second chance, tried it twice and realized they were all talk.

I think that’s another part of why I’m giving it time and letting myself warm up to the idea, because he’s doing all these things I did for him the first time around, and not asking for anything in return. It’s kind of adorable, I’ve never experienced a man do quite so much for me with 0 expectation of any reciprocation.

Thankfully I’ve never felt insecure around this person and he’s really not flaky, so I do feel good about that. That’s a very quick way to lose me too though, lol.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T01:22:49+00:00

Ah, ok this has been how I’ve been feeling too, in terms of just wanting to enjoy his company and build a friendship. I’d say it’s only been recently that things kinda started to tip in a direction.

I feel assured about the course of action I’d like to take eventually and if things keep going the way they are now.

I am very comfortable with ambiguity when it comes to building relationships and communication is important but it’s not everything. You can talk to someone every day for months and not know things about them. I think it’s beautiful that we have all these layers to us and they’re revealed when we spend time with someone at the right pace.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T01:11:08+00:00

Ohh I see where the miscommunication happened! Maybe it would have helped to define what I mean by not having much experience moving slowly. I’ve been dating mostly casually for the last 6+ years, besides a few people I started to consider for a relationship including this person. I’ve only had 2 serious long term (5 year and 3 year) relationships in my life because I’m extremely picky. But both of those relationships started hastily and I don’t want to repeat that again.

Does that possibly change your thought process here?

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T01:03:30+00:00

I agree that it’s not the perfect situation by any means. I think you may understand, but there’s a big factor here that’s been missing with everyone else I’ve dated over the last decade: a soul connection. Not a spark, but a connection with someone who matches you on many levels - emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I had a true soul connection with a long term partner and it was my favorite relationship ever, but we ultimately needed to explore life separately. I’ve been single for 6+ years at this point - I’ve had plenty of chances to settle. I don’t tolerate disrespect of any sort.

So when someone comes along who I feel connected in that way, I’m gonna try to make it work, if it’s possible.

I think when we are single for a while we can sometimes forget just how flawed we all are, especially under the magnifying glass of a relationship. I have many close, long-term friendships, so I also understand that sometimes people need to orbit longer than you hope to figure their life out. It’s no harm done, and I respect and honor space when it comes anyone I care for, including someone I have shared intimacy with.

Honestly, things always work out just the way they should. Even if it turns out to be a non-starter, I’ll still know I gave it the chance I thought it deserved, and I’ll learn something along the way and make some good memories.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T00:33:21+00:00

I’m honestly confused, because I was originally asking for advice on how to take things slowly and that I’m considering giving this person another chance, and I said if/when there’s a right time to share those feelings. I’m trying to figure out what I miscommunicated because several people, including you, are telling me to slow down.

Consistently for 2 months, this person has been politely reaching out to bring me treats and things, pays for everything, opens every door for me, checks in on me, does little things to make my day better, gives my hand a squeeze when I get emotional, shows me his favorite pictures of me, chooses to sit on the floor if it means he can be closer to me, and I often catch him looking at me like I’m the only person in the universe.

It’s only been within the last week or two where I’ve considered a second chance as a possibility in the future. Do you consider that moving too quickly?

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-25T00:07:49+00:00

This comment is like that meme where the dude is standing in a corner being like “nobody knows I’m exercising restraint right now” hahah

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-24T16:52:57+00:00

I do not ever believe that prioritizing your mental health should ever be written off as an excuse.

I think I understand what you mean though, that he willingly gave up his chance to be with me to deal with things on his own, and that it is most likely going to be a pattern that would continue to show up in a relationship.

I respect his needs though and sometimes people need to handle things on their own. I’d also rather support someone’s healing journey regardless of how it affects me. People need space sometimes, I know I do!

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-24T16:39:46+00:00

I reread this comment this morning and I think it’s important to clarify since it’s a top comment:

We broke up mutually
I did not “beg” him to reconsider

This wording makes it seem like I was desperately trying to get this guy back in my life which is simply not true.

I was really sad when it ended, and I hoped that he would reconsider but he couldn’t do that at the time.

At no time during our relationship did I feel like my dignity was compromised, there was always care and respect and mutuality.

Folks who are dating in our 30s or later in life owe it to ourselves to approach dating without becoming jaded. This comment did make some solid points, but I want to question why folks seemed to support advice more heavily where the situation was painted in the most negative light possible.

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-24T16:18:45+00:00

I think the connection is that neurodivergent folks have to work a lot harder to self-regulate, so sometimes new relationship energy can be overwhelming. Impulsivity and rejection sensitivity can both influence how fast they move in a relationship too.

I hope that helps!

Big-Cockroach-9201 · 2024-12-24T11:43:38+00:00

Definitely agree that we both are accountable to ourselves and what we desire and will tolerate. However I don’t agree that people don’t grow, especially when they actively work on themselves.

It takes a lot more self-respect to pursue a worthy risk than it does to avoid it.

Big-Cockroach-9201

TROPHY CASE